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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m “cheating” because DS is going to private school 🙄

217 replies

cinderellaeggs · 21/08/2018 13:05

MIL just found out that DS is going to private school and announced that we are “cheating” and it’s “not fair” because SIL’s children can’t go.

It’s not a competition!

OP posts:
Topseyt · 21/08/2018 14:36

I don't think it is an inflammatory thread. What a ridiculous comment.

I think OP's MIL sounds like someone who begrudges private education because she and others including the SIL cannot afford it, while OP can and has chosen to.

We can't afford private education, but we don't have anything against those who can and who have chosen it for their children. It isn't cheating.

OP, I suppose your MIL also thinks that booking a holiday well in advance to make sure of getting what you want is cheating too?

Ignore her. You are the parents. You make the choices, not her. She sounds ridiculous.

HarryPotterNerdAlert · 21/08/2018 14:36

11+ tutoring isn't cheating. The stuff in the exam isn't taught at Year 5 so they would have no way of knowing how to do it. The stuff my DC is doing is Year 7/8 stuff, no way they would know that from school. On an open day at a secondary school, we went into a Year 8 top maths group, the stuff they were learning is what my DC has been learning through tutoring. If a child is not intelligent enough, they won't learn it even with tutoring.

firstworldproblems2018 · 21/08/2018 14:37

Re private vs state, and private being an ‘advantage’ you can buy- yes, that’s true to an extent, but not all state schools are equal. Is it ‘cheating’ or unfair that a child goes to a good state school? Just because you haven’t paid for it doesn’t mean it’s not excellent- so you could argue that good or outstanding comprehensives or grammar schools are also ‘unfair’ because of the rubbish school down the road...

AlmaGeddon · 21/08/2018 14:38

Well when it comes to our DCs we do our best. I can see that if you can't afford a good school it would be galling but such is life. It would be nice to buy your DCs out of class disruption. But to suggest someone should pay for SILs' is nuts.

Twombly · 21/08/2018 14:41

Well, she's being silly and rude, obviously. But I notice your OP says not that SIL's children "won't be going" to private school, but that they "can't go", which suggests a difference in financial resources between your MIL's son and daughter. While that's not uncommon, your choice of school is going to exaggerate the difference between your DC's life and that of his cousins, in terms of what experiences and opportunities money can buy, which by its very nature is a divisive decision. I don't think it's unreasonable of MIL to be upset about that, though "cheating" is a stupid way of expressing it.

Tutoring for the 11+ is cheating though, in my view, undermines the nonsense rhetoric about social mobility that underpins the grammar system, and does intensively prepared children a disservice in the long run.

rainbowsandsmiles · 21/08/2018 14:42

However, with private education, it is not open to everyone, and it's likely to have large impacts on your child, at the relative expense of someone else (there is some degree of it being zero sum, because there are only so many places at Oxbridge, medical school, and only so many legal training contracts)

Fair enough, but I still don't think it's cheating if you can afford it. As I said before, there's no way we could afford private school, but I wouldn't begrudge those who could and think they shouldn't send them as it's cheating. It's just such a bizarre attitude to have, not to mention bitter and a way to make yourself feel crap.
If people can afford it and want to send theirs there, why not? That's up to them.

LayOfTheLand · 21/08/2018 14:42

Re private vs state, and private being an ‘advantage’ you can buy- yes, that’s true to an extent, but not all state schools are equal. Is it ‘cheating’ or unfair that a child goes to a good state school?

Yes, there's definitely a scale and there are many many ways to gain advantages in life. Private education is however, one of the most egregious ways of gaining an advantage and the most open. It seems disingenuous to hide from that.

Lweji · 21/08/2018 14:44

I'm curious.

Is she familiar with the definition of cheating?

If she mentions it, just ask her why she considers it cheating. Keep digging as she answers. Just like a 3 year old. Why? Why? Why?

LeighaJ · 21/08/2018 14:44

@cinderellaeggs

I think what VladmirsPoutine meant is "you're cheating" because you changed your username. Grin

firstworldproblems2018 · 21/08/2018 14:48

I don’t disagree- private education undoubtedly gives you an advantage, but my thoughts were more about the disparity between state schools and how they are wildly different- so is it ‘cheating’ to, for example, choose a house in an area with an excellent state school? I don’t think many people would say it was, and yet these state schools get much better academic results than some private schools... mind you, academic results are by no means everything. (A whole other thread!)

LayOfTheLand · 21/08/2018 14:48

I wouldn't begrudge those who could and think they shouldn't send them as it's cheating. It's just such a bizarre attitude to have...

On the contrary, it seems entirely natural. If it's entirely natural for people who can afford to buy advantage, it would seem natural for those who can't afford that their advantage to be a bit irked.

If people can afford it and want to send theirs there, why not? That's up to them.

Education is political, and choices over education present moral choices. Not everyone makes the same decision, but it's reasonable to recognise that it is a moral and ethical question.

firstworldproblems2018 · 21/08/2018 14:49

Sorry, above was to Layoftheland

nannyCrumb · 21/08/2018 14:49

@Lweji

How often is act like a 3 year old your advice? Do you think it works?

I have a job interview next week...

LayOfTheLand · 21/08/2018 14:51

Is she familiar with the definition of cheating?

I just looked up the OED definition of cheating, and the first definition is

"Act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage." It's an ethical question about whether private education is unfair, but if one thinks it is, private education is cheating.

en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/cheat

THEsonofaBITCH · 21/08/2018 14:52

There are many many threads on private vs state education which generally end with:
State educated get higher level grades than private educated at Uni;
State educated get higher acceptance levels than private for Uni;
State educated get higher representation in government than private;
so there is zero advantage to private education - so exactly how can it be cheating? For the record I was state educated but all my kids are private and I think its worth it even despite the "proofs" listed above. In the end its down to parents to decide what is best for their child

Lweji · 21/08/2018 14:53

How often is act like a 3 year old your advice? Do you think it works?
I have a job interview next week...

It's not "act like a 3 year old". It's ask why like a 3 year old. Quite different. Smile
It works when people are talking out of their arse. You keep asking them to justify their position. I.e. you keep asking them why.
Instead of justifying your position, make them justify theirs.

In OP's case, she doesn't have to defend herself, but question MIL.

Originalsaltedpeanuts · 21/08/2018 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

midgesforever · 21/08/2018 14:54

My DC currently attend a private school, they have an advantage over their cousins who don't, not so much in the basics, which are about the same as the state school they used to go to but in terms of the music, dance, sport stuff. Their cousins have advantages over some other DC in the state system because their parents moved to a good school area before they started school. None of this is cheating but it isn't equitable either.

Lweji · 21/08/2018 14:54

It's an ethical question about whether private education is unfair, but if one thinks it is, private education is cheating.

But, why would private education be unfair?

LayOfTheLand · 21/08/2018 14:58

But, why would private education be unfair?

I think John Rawls answered this in Justice as Fairness.

Originalsaltedpeanuts · 21/08/2018 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sonjadog · 21/08/2018 15:07

This reminds me of someone I studied with as an undergraduate. He thought that all university libraries should close down and only the books on the reading list should be sold in the book shop. Students should have access to reading list books only and reading anything else was "cheating" on those who didn´t. He was an idiot.

LayOfTheLand · 21/08/2018 15:07

State educated get higher level grades than private educated at Uni;
State educated get higher acceptance levels than private for Uni;
State educated get higher representation in government than private;

Interested in the evidence for this. I have seen evidence that people from state school tend to better at university than those privately educated, with the same grades, but that's what one would expect.

abigailsnan · 21/08/2018 15:13

My youngest son started school at a private school when he was 3.5yrs old and it was not for his good but for mine, I had to rerurn to work as at the time (yrs ago) the interest rate shot up and we needed a second income.
It was cheaper to send him to private school than pay a childminder/nursey fees.
We did consider taking him out when he was 5 and swop to state school but he had come on leaps and bounds and made some good friends we ended up keeping him there until he moved to grammer school,there has never been any bad feeling from his elder brother or sister or PIL as they understood the reason why we did it.

Leesa65 · 21/08/2018 15:16

She also thinks tutoring is cheating and passing the 11+ is cheating and taking the children to a museum or local history spot in the holidays to review or get a jump on a school project is cheating.

Batshit Grin

OP, never in this lifetime could I pay for a child of mine to go Private . However, if I could I probably would do (and I am not a fan of Private Schooling as it gives advantages denied to many, but that is by the by). Sounds like pure and simple jealousy to me from your MIL and SIL.
Do what you feel is best and as for taking them to places of historical interest, there is NOTHING stopping SIL taking hers to such places too ! Good on you for that I say .