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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m “cheating” because DS is going to private school 🙄

217 replies

cinderellaeggs · 21/08/2018 13:05

MIL just found out that DS is going to private school and announced that we are “cheating” and it’s “not fair” because SIL’s children can’t go.

It’s not a competition!

OP posts:
agnurse · 21/08/2018 21:35

Coyoacan

My parents homeschooled us. My dad's salary was such that they could afford for Mom to be a SAHM.

Was that cheating? Was that unreasonable? I honestly think we got a better education than we would have at public school. We did attend an online program for high school and my youngest brother attended a public high school. 4 of the 6 of us graduates valedictorian.

GunpowderGelatine · 21/08/2018 21:38

How weird! We had some very odd comments when people found out we were sending ours private. People are strange

GunpowderGelatine · 21/08/2018 21:50

You are using your financial resources in the hope that your DS will be ahead of your SIL's children in the queue. It's entirely natural and legal, but it is what it is.

What a weird thing to say. I doubt OP is trying to get one over on her nephew Hmm and why wouldn't it be legal to send a child to private school?!

GunpowderGelatine · 21/08/2018 21:55

Only in MN land is it considered poor form to give your child a 'leg up' and want them to have the best possible education, because the next family don't get that chance. With respect, I care about my family, my children's education, which is why we send them private. I think some people (including some on this thread) expect an apology for that Confused

Jeanclaudejackety · 21/08/2018 22:06

I don't necessarily think privates Better it's nothing to do with thinking other kids are getting a leg up or whatever.

When I can send my kid to an outstanding state primary then grammar and spent approximately £0 on it then why would I send her to a local private school that has a swimming pool and a swanky climbing frame but lesser exam results?

TabbyMumz · 21/08/2018 22:15

Placemarking

Original poster
cinderellaeggs · 21/08/2018 22:30

Of course I’m not trying to get one over on SIL. I didn’t even know it was a competition. I’m doing what is best for my boy right now.

I don’t even know SIL’s thought on the subject, only MIL’s!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/08/2018 23:09

Was this comment made to you? Or her DS? Or the both of you?

Some MILS save all there craziness for the DIL and are angelic when their DS is in earshot.

YANBU.

She's talking nonsense. Shows her own lack of common sense.

Rebecca36 · 21/08/2018 23:11

Not her business. You're not cheating neither are you in competition.

Original poster
cinderellaeggs · 21/08/2018 23:16

She said it to both of us. Saw the box in the hall that had had DS’s uniform in it, asked about it, we told her, and she just went “Shock that’s cheating!”

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 21/08/2018 23:19

She’s right but it’s your child so you have to do what you believe is best for them.

SandyY2K · 21/08/2018 23:25

Those saying it's not fair because they are getting an advantage in private school...you can apply this thinking to anything.... from private health care...nicer holiday destinations...bigger houses....nicer cars...clothes etc

That's life.

Nobe

SandyY2K · 21/08/2018 23:31

Didn't finish. .
None of the Queen's children achieved the A grades required to study at Cambridge, yet they got in... now that's unfair.....but such is life.

Private education is not unfair IMO and if could afford it...I would have my DC in private schools.

None of the ridiculous funding cuts that state schools suffer from.

Mommybearx · 21/08/2018 23:37

She sounds annoying. I’m sending my kids to private and sil isn’t, but I would be so annoyed if my mil said that, instead of seeing your kids have a nice advantage and looking at them as individuals on their own path she may be comparing them to your sils kids like a competition like you said, it’s like if they can’t get those benefits nor can yours. Absolutely selfish. Would say to her how is it cheating- what’s your problem with them having the best education to give them an opportunity to further things. It’s not even about careers I honestly think good private schools can make kids confident etc.. it also cuts it kids which are naughty and distruptive to other kids and gives them perspective on studying. She should understand you choose what your money goes on and it’s basically got f all to do with her

LittleLionMansMummy · 21/08/2018 23:38

Those saying it's not fair because they are getting an advantage in private school...you can apply this thinking to anything.... from private health care...nicer holiday destinations...bigger houses....nicer cars...clothes etc

I don't think you can equate parity of access to decent standards of education and healthcare (necessities) with holidays and nice cars.

Mommybearx · 21/08/2018 23:50

__missperegrinespeculiar

If private schools did give an advantage to kids, I think they should be banned, they would indeed represent a way of buying privilege, and yes, therefore a form of cheating

As it is, the evidence is mounting that they really do not give you a better education at all. It is simply the wealth of the parents that is linked to better outcomes, not the school per se, so, no problem if you want to waste your money on a private education

——————-

U will see state schools giving advantage over others for example one in a bad area not achieving as well as one in a better area- both state schools
So how does it bother you if one is privately paid for? How should they be banned.

My husband and I work and if for example we choose to spend our money on education instead of the pub or shopping sprees or what not that’s our choice unlike ‘some’ other people who have no desire to prioritise this. There was a time I couldn’t afford it but I chose to buy a house in a good catchment area to send my kids to a outstanding ofsted school, i wasn’t bitter that I couldn’t send them private.

They can do better as kids tend not to be naughty in the classes or disruptive therefore ruining the class for other kids, they have a different mentality from the start and have better resources. This doesn’t mean every state school doesn’t have this or every state school child is naughty or doesn’t have the right mind frame- they do and unfortunately those focused kids tend to have moments where the teacher has to keep stopping due to some other kid being disruptive - that’s exactlt how it was for me in a school in a low class area and that is why I’m sending my kids private

Original poster
cinderellaeggs · 21/08/2018 23:55

LittleLionMansMummy Some people would rather have a nicer car and better or more holidays than spend that money on education. DH thinks SIL would. Different priorities.

Basically some people have and/or earn more money than others so can afford more stuff. That doesn’t make you a cheater in MILs book though, I think MIL’s reasoning is you have to use that money in a certain way to be a cheater.

OP posts:
IHateMats · 21/08/2018 23:56

Feel for you OP, we have a parent like that at our (state) primary. Frequently very vocal against the private sector only but if she won the lottery her kids would be there in a shot! Haven't read the whole thread but have you thought of suggesting SIL tries for a bursary at the private school at the next point of entry?

GunpowderGelatine · 22/08/2018 01:07

Do we all have to live to the most disadvantaged person's standards for sake of fairness? It's beyond ridiculous for adults to stomp their feet because someone has something 'better' than them (and in the same breath argue that it's not better at all 🙄)

BlueJava · 22/08/2018 01:13

Just let her have her views, smile and carry on. My parents also have crazy views on such things - my father spent a long time telling one of my sons why he should leave school at 16 and not study again recently! I didn't point out he's academic and will enjoy it because Dad didn't agreeing with me going either - so pointless. Ignore her, be nice, but do just as you want.

MalloryLaurel · 22/08/2018 07:55

If she feels that strongly, why doesn't she pay for sil's dcs to go? Your dc, your money, your choice.

LayOfTheLand · 22/08/2018 08:37

What a weird thing to say. I doubt OP is trying to get one over on her nephew and why wouldn't it be legal to send a child to private school?!

That`s quite some misinterpretation of my post

Xenia · 22/08/2018 08:44

Plenty of people are happy with state schools. I was happy to pay school fees. You could say people are cheaters who take student loans out as they are putting an unfair burden on the state or it's cheating to go to university as you are advantaging yourself over those who don't go.

(Re the royal family Prince Harry did not go to university and that was probably due to his exam results and his mother got pretty poor GCSE results. I don't think it is that easy to get into good universities with poor exam results in the UK which sometimes surprises rich foreigners thinking you just bribe the institution. People like the Beckams could not get their children into certain academic private schools for example as it's done mostly if you can pass the entrance exam for plenty of those schools without even a photograph of the person to make it fair; although universities now have systems the other way round - some positive discrimination)

SparkyBlue · 22/08/2018 09:14

@IHateMats I don't think OPs SIL is bothered it's her mil who has an issue. OP please take zero notice of your MIL. It's your child and your money and you obviously had good reason to choose this particular school. Don't engage with her on it. In saying all that I am in Ireland and constantly shocked at the amount of angst and discussion on here about State v Private education. It's just not a thing over here(well I think it might be in the Dublin area but not for the rest of the country).

yoghurtmaker · 22/08/2018 10:51

SparkyBlue Do you get to know what the schools are like, the reports? That is a lot of the issue here.