I’m “cheating” because DS is going to private school 🙄

[cinderellaeggs]

MIL just found out that DS is going to private school and announced that we are “cheating” and it’s “not fair” because SIL’s children can’t go.

It’s not a competition!

She's batshit. Buying tickets ahead of time isn't cheating, it's sensible!

OP, own your decision and the moral choice. In this country it's perfectly legal to send your child to private school, but you're doing so in the hope that your son will get more resources at school, will do better in his exams, have more extra curricular activities, and more contacts, that in the long term, will increase the chances of him accessing the best places at universities and access to a better career.

We do live in a country which we know is not a meritocracy, and those with access to resources will do better. People at private schools dominate certain professions.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-35641061

You are using your financial resources in the hope that your DS will be ahead of your SIL's children in the queue. It's entirely natural and legal, but it is what it is.

She’s obviously on glue.

This makes me think of a book I read once where 'unfair advantage' was removed to make everyone equal. So people with good eyesight had to wear glasses that disrupted it, very intelligent people had an implant in their head that fired every 15 seconds so that they couldn't form complicated thoughts, artistic people with good fine motor skills had to wear thick gloves etc.

Does she also think it's cheating to feed your DC a good diet so that they grow tall and strong. What about genetics, there is still an inherent advantage in being white for instance, is it cheating for two white people to have DC. It's also an advantage to be male, is it cheating to have sons?

She has a very weird view of the world. I mean there is a political point to be made that all children should have an equally good education, but that's not what she's saying, she appears to think that showing any in your DC and their futures is cheating.

She's an idiot...keeping one party down in favour of the other is moronic to say the least

Who knows whether private school gives an edge...lif is far more complex than that

All you can do is give the best you can with your knowledge and resources at the time which is what you are doing...sil can do the same

Am getting your mil is one of those people who feels that others shouldn't try or do well because she is bitter about her own life (I used to have one like that)

Screw her she's not the one making decisions

So how did you think people would respond? That YANBU? Did you ultimately want a pat on the back then?

You've pulled off quite a feat here - a thread which contains both issues about private vs state whilst still adhering to the MN adage that all MILs are satan in granny form.

I will say it again: YABU. I don't care whether or not you name-changed.

If it's not against the law, fuck what other people think.

VladmirsPoutine I expected others to react pretty much like they have, not v politically, apart from the occasional one who has a point to make for personal reasons.

This makes me think of a book I read once where 'unfair advantage' was removed to make everyone equal. So people with good eyesight had to wear glasses that disrupted it …

There is of course, an interesting discussion about what equality is, but your analogy is false, and you must know it. Private education is akin to, on the basis of family money, giving children a leg up.

My whole anti natal group stopped talking to me when I finally told them where DS was going to school!! 11 years later and he's still at private school and doing really well. I have no regrets and plenty of friends!!! Haven't spoke to any of my NCT group since!

TBF I think tutoring for the 11+ is kind of cheating. If they aren't bright enough to pass without tutoring then tbh they aren't bright enough to go. Plus tutoring means that kids with money have a huge advantage over those whose parents cannot afford it so I agree with MIL on that one, especially if SIL cannot afford a tutor and her child is disadvantaged.
However that's for grammar and scholarships. If you're paying for a kid to go who is normal ability then IMO that's just lucky, not cheating because a normal state kid wouldn't have the chance anyway.

Just tell her that instead you are buying into catchment of a top local state school. On mn that doesn't seem to provoke any arguments about unfair, so the same hypocritical logic might appeal to her.

Ah, so you wanted to be told how wonderful you are. How wonderful that you and your husband can afford private school. Hopefully that witch of a MIL dies soon, eh?

Why do you keep using the term 'political' how are my posts political?

You've posted a self-congratulory thread. How am I being political?

and the glasses analogy is bollocks and you know it.

Xenia double that if you pay full fees! We’re in London.

Dan yes, sister’s children get a discount and with scholarships end up paying about 10%.

Working at the school and being bright is probably cheating also!

I wouldn't give this even a second's thought tbh.

My DH and I constantly have this discussion (not cheating but the private/state) I think ultimately even though state schools where we are - are amazing. We will have to fund private from 11+ because it does give the kids a ‘leg-up’ I have lots of proof. I work in an industry where I have the knowledge of people’s backgrounds. I have to do background checks on individuals and those in the highest/most well paid positions even if they got a 2:2 at Uni - went to private school.

I am now even more lost as to what vladimir is actually going on about as to how it's cheating to want to do right by your children!
Could never in a million years afford private school but I don't think people who do send them there are "cheating."
You could say the same about food if you take that attitude. Knowing how to cook from scratch from simple ingredients - are you cheating at their nutrition over those who only buy ready meals? Of course not.

@rainbowsandsmiles I have never said it's cheating. I inferred that I think this is an inflammatory thread.

VladmirsPoutine Then report me!

vladimir, I never said you did say it was cheating, sorry if I wasn't clear - I meant I have no idea what your posts mean, even more so than the OP's MIL who thinks it's cheating to send kids to private school
If you don't think OP is genuine, maybe best to report? I'm taking it at face value as people do say bonkers things sometimes, MILs and DM's included

YANBU if your AIBU is wondering if YABU because you think your MIL is bat shit crazy.

She definitely is.

You could say the same about food if you take that attitude. Knowing how to cook from scratch from simple ingredients - are you cheating at their nutrition over those who only buy ready meals? Of course not.

No you really can't. Teaching your child to cook is broadly accessible to everyone, and even if it wasn't, a child could teach themselves to cook when they're older, and it's unlikely to be the key determining factor in determining the course of their life. Furthermore, if one child can cook, it doesn't stop someone else from cooking (it's not zero sum).

However, with private education, it is not open to everyone, and it's likely to have large impacts on your child, at the relative expense of someone else (there is some degree of it being zero sum, because there are only so many places at Oxbridge, medical school, and only so many legal training contracts).

This is what I mean about owning it. The deal with private education is this:

Pay £X,000 per year. We will increase by X00% that your child will be offered a place in law school, Oxbridge etc, and push your child ahead in the queue. This is at the expense of those who can't afford these opportunities.

Yes - people who send their children to private school are buying their grades (that's what we were told!). I suspect that my clever DS who works bloody hard also has some input to them too.

There are many reasons why people may chose to go down the private education route and yes it may be an advantage to do this. There are also people who move catchment areas to get into better schools (cheating!) or get their vicars to sign to say they are regular churchgoers (when they don't) (cheating!).

People should learn to live and let live. Each to their own.

As far as your MIL is concerned OP - smile and wave!
I am waiting for the "haters" this Thursday to ask how my Dc got on so they can compare grades and tell me how little Johnny got the same without them having to pay. You know what I hope little Johnny does. I have done what I think right for my child.

I have tried really hard with state schools. Then moved to private.

I work full time and life is much better in terms of day to day organisation. My eldest no longer vomits with anxiety daily SO THATS A PLUS. Not so much about grades for us at all.

IDGAS what anyone else thinks my life is better and its my money, my kids, my rules. Maybe my local state school shouldn't have been shit. Just saying.

Grow a really tough skin OP would be my main advice. They should be handed out in hospitals instead of those fucking Bounty packs.