Terminating accidental PG after DC1

[Begentleplease]

Have namechanged. Please don't flame me...

Don't want to drip feed sorry if this is long. I have a DC, 2 and a half. Gorgeous, loved to bits, but I did find the first two years very very tough- not a good sleeper and parenthood came as a huge shock. I work free lance, very demanding job that I love, women very rare in the job. DH is a devoted father, does his fair share and more and we have lots of grandparent support. We are financially ok. I got pregnant accidentally (birth control fail). I don't feel ready for DC2. We always talked about 5 year age gap. My career has only just recovered and it was gutting to see all my contemporaries race ahead. I feel that it might be fatal to a job that I love and have fought so hard for to stop again so soon. My work is not compatible with BF, irregular, sometimes 16 hour days, no structure for breaks.

We have decided to terminate and try again in 18 months. I have lead this decision, DH supports, but is upset. I have never terminated before and I feel rotten about it. i already have a strong connection to this PG, and feel so ashamed that I got pregnant and that I am going to do this. I feel that a second DC now would be detrimental to my marriage, to my ability to parent current DC and to my career, and that these factors trump the potential of this new life... but I feel morally it's very hard, to throw something like this away.

Has anyone in a similar position done this?? Did you regret it?

I am fully pro choice but find in this instance i feel the whole future of this person that I am terminating. I do not want to tell my friends what is happening, or my family. Talking to DH is very hard as this is his child too and he is determined to support my decision, but it's cruel to get his hopes up and then decide to terminate so I can't explore all my thoughts fully with him...

I feel terrible about sex as well now :-( which I guess is just deserts.

I think my rational mind is made up that it's just the wrong time and not what we planned, but my heart hurts a lot. AIBU to terminate when we could do this, but it would be better to wait?

You've asked for opinions so I'll give you mine, there's no way in the world I could terminate a pregnancy just because it wasn't the exact right time.

You've got to do what's best for you, but I think the "try again in 18 months" is too short a time frame, maybe even a little crass.

I haven't done this, but my friend was in your situation and terminated. I supported her, and I support you.

However - she wasn't able to find the right time to have another baby, and is now unlikely ever to. And I just feel really sad for her, that she never found herself in a place where she could have everything she wanted at the same time.

Sorry, I don't know exactly what to say. There's no easy answer to this one.

I'll also add that to me, that way of looking at having a child is quite materialistic and cold. Doesn't suit you now, so get rid of it and do it again when it does. Again sorry, but you did ask.

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. I’ve not been in a similar position, however I just had DS2 with s 5 year gap.

I found ages 18m to 3 years gruelling and I seriously considered stopping at 1 I felt so at sea.

However the 5 year gap is really tough - impossible to occupy them both, I’ve gone back to nappies, sleepless nights etc and I’m now old.

Personally I’d consider having the baby now IF you know you want another later but you should not feel guilty for doing whatever is best for your family.

I have no idea how your finances work but can you afford some help at home to enable you to get back to work earlier?

I would add though, that my DH and I have talked about an accidental pregnancy now, and I would terminate if I were to get pregnant even though we could financially afford it. Mentally and emotionally I couldn’t and that is just as important.

OP aibu is the absolute worst place to put this, you'll get pages of people telling you they would never do it, its not ok, you're selfish etc. It's your body, your choice. End of story.
A pregnancy is only a potential person at the best of times. It doesn't suit you now, what more is there to it than that?

As someone who is trying for dc2 but found out I'm unlikely to have another child, I'd say don't terminate. You don't know what the future might deal you and you may not get another chance.
You are in a stable relationship, you have a home, money and a career. There is never a perfect time to have a child.

Do what’s best for you, but if you are thinking of a second in 28 months time, why would that have less of an effect on your career than getting it out of the way now? Also, life doesn’t always go to plan. How would you feel if in 18 months you can’t have a second?

Any reason is a good enough reason to terminate imo, it makes no practical difference so there is only so moral judgement attached to whether you are suffering enough.

If its not the right time, then it's not the right time.

I had a termination after my second child. I hadn't long recovered from giving birth, it had been 18 months but i lost a huge amount of blood and then contracted sepsis - recovery was long and difficult.
Hardest decision i ever made but i wasn't ready for another baby, i may never be ready for another baby.
For whatever reason you don't want this pregnancy you have choices and they're your choices. Be kind to yourself, and do what's right for your family

Thank you for the replies. , i would
be happy to stop at 1. I know it sounds like a stupid consideration but my career has very little security and if I am not careful I will be left with nothing, and I am highly specialised, not really transferable skills. I was lucky to get away with having a child at all.

Wow this is a tough one OP. I feel for you I really do, though I have not been in this position. It is a position I fear myself however and do not envy you. Sending lots of hugs.

I think maybe making a pros and cons list might help... sounds awful to boil it down to that but I found it really helpful when I was struggling with my emotions when I was pregnant

Cons:

Your career will have to wait again for another 2+1/2 years?
More tiredness
More sleepless nights
More baby time
Less me time
Less freedom
Less time as a couple
Etc.

Pros:

Another wonderful baby
More laughter
More smiles
More 'first' moments
An amazing connection
A wonderful family

You need to add more to each list obviously. But if the pros outweigh the cons for you, you have your answer. If not, then termination is the right choice. It's okay to not be ready... emotionally particularly. If you cannot get into the right head space then it wouldn't be fair to your marriage or your kids.

Pros and cons... hope it helps?

Tough being female isn't it, more so in a male dominated industry
You don't need to validate your choice to anyone other than yourself, just be certain this is the right choice for you

Yes, I have done this and had no regrets whatsoever. I already had one DC and had very similar reasons for terminating. There is no doubt in my mind that I made the right decision. All your reasons for not wanting to continue with the pregnancy are valid. It is great that your DP will support you whatever you decide.

Oh my days... I had that all spaced out so it would read easier but for some reason it decoded to put all my words together in one unreadable jumble 🙈 sorry OP. Hope you can still make sense of that x

I guess you just need to consider what's going to change in 18 months that will make being pregnant then better than being pregnant now.

If you know things will be different enough that that's better timing, then fair enough. If the problem is more that you find it hard to go off plan and circumstances are actually not likely to be that different, then perhaps you need to consider a bit more.

@Begentleplease i would do the same in your situation.

I want a 5 year gap before my next (if we even have a 2nd, we may stick with 1). My LO is 7 months and i am only just starting to feel like myself again and am excited to get back to work. I want to work to my next promotion, and get oureelves set before we think about another.

We want a big gap because i don't want to be at home with 2, and we couldn't afford 2x nursery, we will wait until LO is goibg to be going to school then may try again

You say "I already have a strong connection to this PG". Have you thought through all the options? You have support from DH and from grandparents - could you consider formula feeding? Not the ideal but then neither is termination.

I completely understand your reasoning, and the only person you need to justify this to is you, but but if you terminate and then don’t get pregnant again at the right time? Or it never feels quite right? A 5 year gap will probably be harder as they won’t play easily together, getting the baby/toddler years over now will probably be better for your career in the long run as your kids will be at the same stages. If you never wanted another child I’d understand but as you do, I don’t think this decision makes sense, especially as you’re already not feeling great about it. I do think you might regret this in the long term.

if you are worried about the baby-period being so tough & ruining you career, can you afford a full-time nanny & go back to work early? So take just 6 weeks off, don't bother with breastfeeding past that, spend money on childcare (the nanny will look after the older child too) and allow yourself to focus on work.

if you are lucky enough to be able to throw money at the baby-care problem, it can be solved.

I don't want to sound materialistic- I think it's weighing the possible detriment to existing DC when I feel only just able to be a decent parent now that we are finally getting some sleep (just in the last 3 months), and bringing something new along, which might knock us all down again. I feel like I only just got back on my feet... but I really take on board what the posters who don't agree with the idea are saying. That voice is very loud in my head too which is why I posted.

Which might include considering if DC2 is right for you at all. I don't mind that harshly. It could be that one child is right for you

Honestly. I really really feel for you OP. I'm pro choice but couldnt rationally do it in your circumstances and live with the decision.

I too have a young DC and have also really struggled with parenthood but and we've decided one DC is fine.BUT I think if I found out I was pregnant again accidentally I would struggle to have a termination.

My career has also suffered, and to be honest I don't think one or two children would make any difference. Employers just see a mum and that's the problem (in my case)

I also work in fertility and have seen so often couples who really struggle to conceived a second child after no problems with the first.

If you can afford a child and can look after it please reconsider. You genuinely will struggle to live with this decision i your main reason is career as opposed to severe financial hardships or other .

I would advise asking for the thread to be moved to either pregnancy or relationships boards, people are a lot more understanding on those. AIBU is basically asking for a flaming, it’s very rare every poster will be supportive and I’ve already read a few unsupportive comments on this thread as it is. You don’t need that judgement.

You’re well within your rights to terminate for any reason you see fit. It doesn’t matter whether that’s a purely financial decision or anything else. It’s not right for you so don’t do it. You are also free to TTC whenever you want in the future, whenever it feels like the right time for you and your family.

Regardless of your reasons (They are your own, as is your right) you seem quite sad about it already. Are you sure you want to do this? My kids are 2.5yrs apart. The early stage is gruelling but I'm focused on the fact that they'll have each other as playmates in 2 years time. Totally worth it. If you intend to have a second child in as little as 18 months will your career not take the same hit as it would now?