Terminating accidental PG after DC1

[Begentleplease]

Have namechanged. Please don't flame me...

Don't want to drip feed sorry if this is long. I have a DC, 2 and a half. Gorgeous, loved to bits, but I did find the first two years very very tough- not a good sleeper and parenthood came as a huge shock. I work free lance, very demanding job that I love, women very rare in the job. DH is a devoted father, does his fair share and more and we have lots of grandparent support. We are financially ok. I got pregnant accidentally (birth control fail). I don't feel ready for DC2. We always talked about 5 year age gap. My career has only just recovered and it was gutting to see all my contemporaries race ahead. I feel that it might be fatal to a job that I love and have fought so hard for to stop again so soon. My work is not compatible with BF, irregular, sometimes 16 hour days, no structure for breaks.

We have decided to terminate and try again in 18 months. I have lead this decision, DH supports, but is upset. I have never terminated before and I feel rotten about it. i already have a strong connection to this PG, and feel so ashamed that I got pregnant and that I am going to do this. I feel that a second DC now would be detrimental to my marriage, to my ability to parent current DC and to my career, and that these factors trump the potential of this new life... but I feel morally it's very hard, to throw something like this away.

Has anyone in a similar position done this?? Did you regret it?

I am fully pro choice but find in this instance i feel the whole future of this person that I am terminating. I do not want to tell my friends what is happening, or my family. Talking to DH is very hard as this is his child too and he is determined to support my decision, but it's cruel to get his hopes up and then decide to terminate so I can't explore all my thoughts fully with him...

I feel terrible about sex as well now :-( which I guess is just deserts.

I think my rational mind is made up that it's just the wrong time and not what we planned, but my heart hurts a lot. AIBU to terminate when we could do this, but it would be better to wait?

" I feel that a second DC now would be detrimental to my marriage, to my ability to parent current DC"

To me those are two sound reasons to go ahead with a termination. It also sounds like a scenario where you could easily end up with PND if you kept it since the first was so difficult.

But you should be honest with yourself and your husband that if you don't truly believe you'll want to start trying in 18 months then don't promise that as a way to alleviate guilt and sadness for you both. It could end up causing more marital problems in the end if you say that and don't mean it.

Take care of yourself.

Must admit I wouldn't abort, but you have to do what's best for you and your health (mental AND physical,) and also for your career and life in general.

I would look at it - would you be happy if you never fell pregnant again and couldn't have another child?

Hi OP - im in a similar position to you - however i already have two children. I went for my termination yesterday. I am happy to speak to you via private message if you would like. If not - remember, you must do whats best for you, and your family, not what a group of women advise you to. Take care.

No judgement from me OP, I am completely pro choice.

That being said though, you don't sound sure you want to go ahead. You say your career is on shakey ground, if you are so easily dropped, how would you feel if you terminated this pregnancy but we're still made redundant. I personally wouldn't place too much emphasis on career when making this decision in these circumstances.

Firstly it's totally your choice.

My experience is we planned in a 3y age gap but lost the pregnancy late on. Eventually got pregnant again and now have a 5y age gap. It can be tough as they're so different, have different interests etc.

I also found with work that others who'd had kids in a relatively short time got on better as they got the maternity leaves out of the way in a relatively short period.

But you know your job/industry better than I do.

Can you take more time to decide what's best?

I did it, and I am so glad I did. I know I could not have coped with it at the time.

Good luck.

What will be different in your career in 18 months? Will your career really be more secure?

I really am all for a womans right to choose, but trying for a baby 18 months after a termination just seems a bit dubious to me. That might be the wrong word. Someone at the start said crass, maybe it's that.

Can you confide in your mum or is there a close friend in RL you can discuss this with?

Agree with paintedwingsandgiantsrings, having a termination is also likely to impact your MH, especially if you already feel a connection to the baby.

I have a 6 yr age gap between DC1 and DC2, and a 15 month age gap between DC2 and DC3 - would go for the 15 month gap every time.

Do what you feel is best
I will say saying that you don't think now is the right time but you might try again in 18 months is a bit odd and maybe what may be making it hard for your DP? For the sake of 18 months?
I know you want to get back professionally but it might be harder to work yourself up and then be off again in two years time. It might be easier to have another child (if you want another) now and then when you are done work your way up, your employers may feel more security with you.
Having said that you've got to do what you feel is best.
Do remember that no two children are alike and your next may be a better sleeper than your first. You will be more confident as you have done it all before.
Hope you Come to a decision that you both feel happy and comfortable with, whichever you choose :)

💞
Before you go consider this, you’re using the skills and persona you use at work, rationality, clear sightedness etc. and it’s not working in making you feel at ease with your choice.
Whatever happens look into getting a better balance in your thinking, even if it’s just knowing that sometimes you have to go with your gut- rational thinking doesn’t help.

I don't know how practical it is in your situation, but PP suggested your DH taking parental leave and you returning to work 2 weeks after the baby's birth. Maybe that's worth considering and seems like a compromise between getting behind on your career and terminating.

I value my career and went back after 6 months (and switched to formula then). I know of a few self employed people who have gone back after 8/12 wks because they are the only earner or main bread winner and it was all they could afford to take.

Personally I'd go with stick at one, and, going by your words on here, be prepared for some heartache.

Or, find a way to keep this one. Bottles. Nannies. Home help. Etc., etc., etc.

If it's not right for you it's not right for you, it is hard to predict what this child will be like though with regard to sleep etc. My 2nd was better than my 1st who was great and my 3rd was an absolute nightmare so I don't know what we would have felt if she had come along first! I also have an almost 5 year gap between my 2nd and 3rd and I found that quite a difficult gap, yes the older one was more helpful and self sufficient but it's harder to find things for them to do together. I now have a school leaver, teen and primary school age. Finding ways to keep them all entertained is difficult. If it is what you want do it, if it's not don't! No one on here can tell you what's best for you

I'd try looking at it the other way down the telescope - why do you want another child? It sounds like your first child has been a very difficult experience for you thus far and that your career is very important to you - what do you think a second child will bring to your family that will make it worth the stress and sacrifice?

I think the timing might be a red herring - there's no such thing as the right time to sacrifice sleep, money, professional credibility. There's only a right time to welcome another little life into yours. If the benefits of that outweigh the negatives for you, overall, the timing isn't the issue. From what you've said it really doesn't sound like you feel your family needs another baby to be complete.

I think you might find it easier to accept your decision if you don't frame it so much as being about 'timing' and instead see it as 'what's right for our family'. The one motive feels shallow and mercenary to you and you aren't comfortable with it; the latter is closer to the truth I think and may alleviate some of the guilt you feel. This framing would also help you from taking it too hard if and when you do try and get pregnant again, if you then struggle to/can't conceive.

It's a bugger though OP, I do feel for you :(

I think the vast majority of responses here have been measured and kind.

If you're still reading OP you were brave to post this on AIBU but it's probably given you the greatest range of honest views you could ask for.

My thoughts:
You don't have to have any ''right'' reasons to terminate. It's entirely your choice and no one else's business. So clear your head.

Consider this - which ever option you decide, be brave now and face the fact that you may be mentally damaged either way.

One way could be a horrendous struggle. The other could mean a life time of regret. (I don't mean to be unkind or doom laden) Would it make the decision easier if you accept than neither option is going to be a perfect solution. Decide which is the least worst. Free yourself from trying to chose which is 'best'.

anyway. And all the best to you. I've been there.

No judgement here too. Although I would worry that a termination would also affect your MH AND your marriage.
But yes I am pro choice with no strings attached. So I am behind you.
I also have a five year age gap and it’s brilliant and not hellish at all. My two adore each other. They both have to compromise a bit to ensure we do activities suitable for both, but which siblings don’t have that.

Just to add a slightly different voice... I had a termination for similar although not identical reasons. I don’t regret it at all. It was absolutely the right decision for us as a family.
You have to be sure though.

My BFF had a much wanted baby , it was her third baby, she was given a sterilisation and next thing she knew she was pregnant again, it seems she was pregnant when they sterilised her despite a pregnancy test. I knew what she was like inside her heart and mind and that she would not be able to live with herself if she had a termination. l supported her in what she decided (terminating the pregnancy) , she had a breakdown after it and was so ill. l am in tears now thinking about the state on her. Bless her heart. So l suppose what l am saying is can you live with your decision , only you can know that. I wish you all the very best and l am so sad for you & my friend she is seemingly back to normal now but of course it leaves scars.

zeeboo what was the point of that?

Are you similarly amazed and horrified by men who routinely put their jobs above their families? Are you amazed and horrified by people who choose not to have children at all?

Scrolling past would have been just fine.

@zeeboo I'm a Sahm so have no agenda here but some people's jobs are the difference between them and their already existing child having a decent level of living. I'm not surprised someone would put their career above a potential child, because let's face it, that's all a pregnancy is - potential.

Zeeboo jeez don’t read the thread about the husband leaving his wife and children abroad on holidays for work. I’m sure you’ll have a lovely epithet for that to stitch on your sampler.

Completely support your decision. I would say that there is never a right time to fall pregnant. Always a promotion/new project. We had two under 2 and half at one point. We are just coming through it and I’m soooo excited about my job/our life. Not being pregnant or dealing with babies again. If you want a second child then I would do it now. As one OP put a large age gap can be challenging as you can’t get them to do anything at the same time. I am currently having a cup of tea watching them play together (don’t get be wrong-in 10 mins my rest work be over)
Mwushing you well with your decision