Terminating accidental PG after DC1

[Begentleplease]

Have namechanged. Please don't flame me...

Don't want to drip feed sorry if this is long. I have a DC, 2 and a half. Gorgeous, loved to bits, but I did find the first two years very very tough- not a good sleeper and parenthood came as a huge shock. I work free lance, very demanding job that I love, women very rare in the job. DH is a devoted father, does his fair share and more and we have lots of grandparent support. We are financially ok. I got pregnant accidentally (birth control fail). I don't feel ready for DC2. We always talked about 5 year age gap. My career has only just recovered and it was gutting to see all my contemporaries race ahead. I feel that it might be fatal to a job that I love and have fought so hard for to stop again so soon. My work is not compatible with BF, irregular, sometimes 16 hour days, no structure for breaks.

We have decided to terminate and try again in 18 months. I have lead this decision, DH supports, but is upset. I have never terminated before and I feel rotten about it. i already have a strong connection to this PG, and feel so ashamed that I got pregnant and that I am going to do this. I feel that a second DC now would be detrimental to my marriage, to my ability to parent current DC and to my career, and that these factors trump the potential of this new life... but I feel morally it's very hard, to throw something like this away.

Has anyone in a similar position done this?? Did you regret it?

I am fully pro choice but find in this instance i feel the whole future of this person that I am terminating. I do not want to tell my friends what is happening, or my family. Talking to DH is very hard as this is his child too and he is determined to support my decision, but it's cruel to get his hopes up and then decide to terminate so I can't explore all my thoughts fully with him...

I feel terrible about sex as well now :-( which I guess is just deserts.

I think my rational mind is made up that it's just the wrong time and not what we planned, but my heart hurts a lot. AIBU to terminate when we could do this, but it would be better to wait?

I did thius and it was the right decision at the time however it took 15 years to have my second child. You can only know what's right for you.

Wouldn't be my, choice, I can't think of what your career is but it doesn't sound very nice, where they will dump you at a moments notice, and just because your pregnant (illegal btw) not something I'd imagine I would like to do. The thing is in 18th months what is realistically going to have changed, I don't think there is a perfect time that doesn't exist and there is no perfect age gap for siblings its all down to chance as to whether these things will work out so I wouldn't put to much stock on these factors.

I am completely pro choice. If you are happy with the decision then you do what is best for you.

My concern here is that you don't sound 100% convinced. Do you think that the small doubt might grow into a huge regret?

For what it's worth I have a 4 and a half year age gap, not by choice it just took that long, and I found that very hard. They were never really playmates and when we went out what suited one didn't the other.

I really feel for you. I think just be sure in your decision and whatever you decide don't beat yourself up about it later. Whatever you choose is the right choice at that time.

OP, just the fact that you have posted on here tells me that you have not yet decided what to do and are having doubts. My gut feeling is that if you're having doubts about having a termination, don't do it.

Having the baby may not be as bad as you imagine it. All babies are different. If you go ahead with this pregnancy, you might well find that the baby is a better sleeper than your first or is just easier in general. You've done it all before, so you'll be more relaxed - and your older child could actually be very helpful for entertaining the younger one.

In your position, id try to imagine how yoy might feel if you terminate. Are you going to get to milestones (like the edd) and find it crushing because of what could have been? Im pro choice. It is your right amd your decision which you do not have to justify to anyone but yourself. However, as a fellow career woman, I just want to add a different perspective: Your contemporaries might appear to have rushed ahead, but they are likely to take a break to have their own family and you will be in a position where you catch up and over take. You are going to take a break at some point soon anyway if you look to try in 18 months. Think about what you truly want. Im currently at my dads hospital bedside after he almost died, partly because he works too hard and refused to slow down. His words: what the fuck did I waste all that time working for? I know that he is in a very different position to you and it isnt equitable, but im looking at him and looking at myself and all the shit I missed out on because I love my job and im so determind to achieve everything and I am thinking WTF am I doing? I put off tryi g for number 2 because of work, and what followed was 14 months of hell struggling to convieve, a miscarriage and a chenical pregnancy. When I finally concieved I spent my whole pregnancy worried. Im going to shut up now because im probably not helping. There is no right answer, only the right choice for you. Good luck with it all

@ACatsNoHelpWithThat
I don't think my mental health would be great no. It wasn't for the first two years. Maybe it's unrealistic but I felt like we shouldn't have another child till both me and DH were on a healthy even keel emotionally and we just aren't yet.

In reality will it be any different in 18-months as the work situation won't have changed? You'll still risk losing it all.

I'm also freelance, although not in such a specialised area. With my last child I carried on working - I probably only had about 2 weeks off, although I did get someone in to help (I hired my own freelancer, who took on some of what I did). I don't know if that's possible in your own line of work, but thought I'd put it out there...

It would have been very hard for me to stop work entirely and build it back up again so I weighed up having a child, which was something we felt we wanted to do, against the financial/individual need to work and decided to try do both. It was bloody hard and I felt sad I missed out on a mat leave, but we got through it and I don't think DC has been adversely effected!

I haven’t read all of the responses, so I apologise if this has been said already. One of the most sensible yet simple things I ever read on the Pregnancy Choices board was this:
Imagine you wake up tomorrow and you’v miscarried. How do you feel overall? There’s your answer.

Btw, you may find more support over on the Pregnancy Choices board. Wishing you well.

@Winterbella it's something like being a fashion designer. Something I'm very lucky to do, and I always the older men I work with what they regret and they ALL say not spending time with their kids.

I don’t see how waiting 18months is going to make much of a difference

Pro choice means being pro all choices - and I am. You don’t need to justify this decision, you don’t need a ‘good enough’ reason to terminate. You don’t want to be pregnant now - that’s all the reason you need.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Have some counselling op. One or two sessions might be enough. £80 well spent. Look up counsellors near you, or find a therapist. Good luck.

I've asked MN to delete this thread, I'm worried it's identifying and I'm finding it heartbreaking as well, thank you so much for all replying, I've taken screen shots to mull over all the incredibly helpful things you've all said.

The perfect time never comes. You are young and in a better position to cope with pregnancy, have a healthy baby and get through the first tough years. There are 10 years between my oldest and youngest and it was so much more difficult 10 years later, you haven’t got the same resilience or restorative capabilities, physically and mentally. You are in a secure relationship, young, you have got everything for it to go well. Waiting for ‘the perfect moment’ is a complete fallacy. Not to mention such a thing as secondary infertility. Your circumstances might be perfect eventually but there is nothing to say your body will play ball when you tell it too...

Have you thought about shared parental leave with your DH? You could then get pretty much straight back to work (as early as 2 weeks after the birth I think?!). Unless you're planning to change career a couple of years from now I think you'd just face the same problem when you did want another DC!

Having a termination if it's not really what you want and you feel forced into it is inviting bad mental health.

In an ideal situation you wouldn't get pregnant until you felt you were in a good position mentally. But - you are pregnant, that boat has sailed.

Having an abortion isn't undoing a pregnancy as if it never happened. It's going ahead with something that can also be bad for mental health if you're not 100% sure it's the right thing to do.

Your worries are practical - perhaps there are practical solutions if you explore them? You could do that here with us if you want to.

You're worried about how it'll impact your career, you say your career took a hit last time but you also say you've managed to come back from that, so that's good surely? You know even if it takes a hit again, you can come back from it given time - don't you?

I don’t think you should terminate, because

a. You have said you already feel a strong connection to the pregnancy so I think you would regret an abortion
b. You want (or are at least open to) another child in the future

Best of luck whatever you decide.

It's a hard one that only you can decide.

I'm going to project my own suitaution here but I had a very difficult 1st pregnancy and year after birth, was not able to work. Went back to work got back on the career ladder, felt good about myself etc. I kept putting baby no 2 off. I'm now in a situation where I have to face up to the fact that baby no 2 is not going to happen. I'm gutted. I'm kicking myself for waiting so long. I feel like on my death bed it won't matter a f**k that I had a nice job. I wish my daughter could have a sibling.

Only you know though. It's tough being a women sometimes.

Begentleplease a good way to save a whole thread if you're on a computer can be to click "show all messages" then go to print it but save as a PDF instead.

I’d be asking myself, what if I don’t conceive in 18 months, what if I don’t get another chance at motherhood? What would I regret more, losing the child or losing the job? This really is your decision and no one can make up your mind for you. But think hard about the future and what you really want, what you want in old age etc. An admirable career is a brilliant life achievement. A family is also a brilliant life achievement

Please don’t feel guilty - about getting pregnant or considering termination. You know what you can deal with. Please , please, please don’t put work above your family. I worked so hard - now I’m unemployed on medication having had a total breakdown. Work could not give a fuck. Never heard from them since the day occupational health made my gp appt. anyway, please get your family around you - your closest friend you need love and support not judgement .

I don't think there's any wrong reason for choosing a termination. It may seem cold to some but I wouldn't sacrifice my career if I found myself unexpectedly pregnant. A pregnancy is just a potential child, and as a female (also in a male dominated industry) I am more than potential mother. My life goes way beyond my ability to have babies.

OP the reason you don't want a baby at the moment is irrelevant. It is your choice.
Any reason is good enough.

@Mammysin thank you

I think if you decide to go ahead you need to take advantage of any counselling offered first. My daughter had a termination of a pregnancy because the baby was deemed "incompatible with life", and they decided to terminate rather than wait for it to happen naturally, to make things easier on themselves and their other children. It hasn't made things easier on them. Their grief is still as strong, and she says the guilt is terrible. She and I are both pro choice, though anti termination for ourselves. If you had the baby, would you be able to afford help with childcare, maybe a maternity nurse? You sound so unsure, and my heart goes out to you. This is a very difficult decision for you.