Terminating accidental PG after DC1

[Begentleplease]

Have namechanged. Please don't flame me...

Don't want to drip feed sorry if this is long. I have a DC, 2 and a half. Gorgeous, loved to bits, but I did find the first two years very very tough- not a good sleeper and parenthood came as a huge shock. I work free lance, very demanding job that I love, women very rare in the job. DH is a devoted father, does his fair share and more and we have lots of grandparent support. We are financially ok. I got pregnant accidentally (birth control fail). I don't feel ready for DC2. We always talked about 5 year age gap. My career has only just recovered and it was gutting to see all my contemporaries race ahead. I feel that it might be fatal to a job that I love and have fought so hard for to stop again so soon. My work is not compatible with BF, irregular, sometimes 16 hour days, no structure for breaks.

We have decided to terminate and try again in 18 months. I have lead this decision, DH supports, but is upset. I have never terminated before and I feel rotten about it. i already have a strong connection to this PG, and feel so ashamed that I got pregnant and that I am going to do this. I feel that a second DC now would be detrimental to my marriage, to my ability to parent current DC and to my career, and that these factors trump the potential of this new life... but I feel morally it's very hard, to throw something like this away.

Has anyone in a similar position done this?? Did you regret it?

I am fully pro choice but find in this instance i feel the whole future of this person that I am terminating. I do not want to tell my friends what is happening, or my family. Talking to DH is very hard as this is his child too and he is determined to support my decision, but it's cruel to get his hopes up and then decide to terminate so I can't explore all my thoughts fully with him...

I feel terrible about sex as well now :-( which I guess is just deserts.

I think my rational mind is made up that it's just the wrong time and not what we planned, but my heart hurts a lot. AIBU to terminate when we could do this, but it would be better to wait?

I have a 7yr old DD and only wanted 1. I would abort another pregnancy (with great sorrow). However I know my husband would support this.

Yes. The 5 year gap is in many ways a bigger challenge. Can you outsource more help? Cleaner or child care?

I terminated triplets which were conceived the first time we had sex after having twins. If I had gone through with the pregnancy (and they all survived - and if I survived) I would have had six kids aged 3 and under. I already had health issues from carrying twins, we would have had to buy a people mover and moved to a completely different city to afford to rent. We already had no family support and limited friends and income due to job situation, and just so you know...
While it was far from pleasant, I do not regret it at, and neither does my husband.

Eleven + years later, I have three healthy kids. My husband and I know how hard it is to afford to raise them in the manner (nothing fancy, I assure you!) we like! It’s so hard to give them all the attention they deserve!
Ultimately only you know your situation, your body and your personal ethics. If you can truly come to a decison, one way or another, neither situation is going to be the end of the world. Whatever you decide, you’ve got this!!!
If your partner is truly on board - even better!!!
Good luck!

I won’t comment on your choice around terminating or not.

But your rationale around 5 year gap is a bit off - I think a 5 year gap is hellish. they can’t entertain each other they don’t like the same things. I’d received snider this rationale as I think it’s off the mark.

Could your DH take parental leave instead of you?

AIBU is probably not the best place for this..

If you do continue with the pregnancy will it be impossible to continue with you job? My SIL has a high flying career and went back to work after about 12 weeks. She is lucky that she has a fab support network in that her mum doesn’t work through choice so can and does babysit whenever. She was able to schedule meetings which were convenient to her and able to get a lot of work completed in the evening and just set emails to send out in the morning so it looked like she was in the office. Is this something you can do? Loads of nursery’s take kids from 6months and will bottle feed expressed milk if you choose.

I think delaying for 18 months isn’t realistic as I think it could impact you emotionally more than you can imagine as you are not 100% detached from your current pregnancy and have already looked to the future of this child.

It’s a hard call OP and only one that you can make. Even with your DPs input it ultimately is up to you as you are the one carrying the baby.

It is entirely your decision. But I would say that if you already feel a strong connection to this pregnancy and are planning to try again in 18 months then termination might not be right for you- it would be different if you were terminating because you never want another child. Would you consider counselling, to talk through your feelings about the pregnancy with someone neutral?

If I got pregnant now, I would terminate. I’d be extremely sad and regretful but another child and especially another pregnancy would not be right for us.

However, I have decided that I do not ever want anymore children, I enjoy the idea of another child but know that the reality would be too much.

I think if you’re of the mind that you would like another child in the near future then you will definitely regret this although I have heard of people in your position terminate and then successfully have another child later on, personally I find the idea of that quite cold however that’s none of my business.

I think you’ve posted this because you don’t want to terminate though, even though you feel it’s right at the moment, That’s okay too.

I think you also have to face the reality that you might still feel the same about your career in 5 another 2.5 years time.

@NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom so much of this decision boils down to this one thing. I spent my 20 busting into an industry that applauds men who have kids and leave them to work stupid hours. I had a regular employer, they dropped me when they found I was PG. it's taken two years of nerve to get back to a position where I have enough work coming in (half the income as before) and I feel that I need to give it more time so that I don't immediately get trashed again. I don't know if I could take it a second time.

Your body, your pregnancy, your choice. Just make sure you’re certain in your decision before you go for it.

OP, I would terminate too in your position. That's not to say I think you should (your decision alone) but just that there is someone else out there who would do the same. My DD is 6 months and I'd rather risk never having another child than have a small gap - I also found the early stages really tough and couldn't do it with a toddler around.

There's a 5 year gap between my brother and I and it was great. I was old enough to help out and entertain him, as well as being independent myself. We're not very close now because of various outside factors but we were really close growing up and loved spending time together both as children, teens and young adults. I don't think big gaps are always doomed to fail.

@SchrodingersMeowth

I don't want to. You're right. But... I'm so scared of the consequences of going ahead.

How do I get the thread moved? Never done it before? By reporting it?

But if you already feel connected to your pregnancy, what are the chances that getting back to your previous level of earnings is going to be a good enough consolation prize?

I hope that doesn't sound harsh, I really really don't intend it to. I just worry that the one can never make up for the loss of the other and you'll end up regretful, and also bitter about your industry; it seems like the damage is (partly at least) done there already anyway.

As far as I’m concerned, your reasoning is completely valid. What I would do is immaterial.

I have a 5 yr gaps between my DC and it is far from hellish. I know myself well enough to know I couldn't have coped with a smaller gap. My DC are close and all adore each other.
In your situation I would personally not continue with the pregnancy.
I feel for you having to make this choice though. It doesn't matter what I or anyone else would do though. We are not you.

I would never say you should or shouldn’t do this, it has to be your decision. However, I will tell you that I terminated an accidental pregnancy (also bc fail) when my dcs were 9 and 7. It was absolutely the right thing for me to do and I have never regretted it. I love my kids to bits but I have suffered with depression and anxiety for a long time and found pregnancy and their early years very hard. I knew it would probably be the end of my marriage if I had another baby because I would find it difficult to cope, and my DH would find it hard to cope with me. He would have been OK with another baby, but was supportive of my decision, as was my mum who is the only other person who knows about it. Do what is right for you and your situation.

@SchrodingersMeowth and yes, I'm afraid it feels cold. and calculating and that feels fucking horrible. I feel like it's a terrible thing to do- so much so that I can't voice the thought I'm having as I don't want to upset people on this thread who've done it. But I feel I have to do it. Thanks to everyone being supportive or giving an opinion. It's helpful.

If you’re going to later on anyway then maybe it’s better to have the hard parts over and done with now.

If you don’t want to do this 100% then you will regret it and it may taint your enjoyment of any future pregnancies if you are not able to put it out of your mind completely.

I’d say be completely honest with your DP, maybe you can come to an agreement and a plan in order to limit the damage to your career. Be confident when you announce it (if you go ahead and even if you don’t feel like it) and maybe it won’t seem like such a massive deal in your field. You’ve already broken the barriers just by being a woman, that shows their is room for change. It might not be as bad as you think.

Also BF is wonderful (I bf my youngest, oldest I couldn’t) but it’s not mandatory and plenty of kids thrive on formula, or mixed feeding with expressed milk?

And as I said before, my feeling of it being “cold” is just one persons opinion, despite personal feeling, I’m pro-choice and would never show judgement if someone confided that this was the path they chose.

You have to look after yourself first, it does sound cold but it’s also true.

There* not “their” ffs.

Yes report it and they'll move it for you.

I think in your shoes I would terminate. It sounds like you don't want another dc other than the fact that you are getting emotionally attached now because you're pregnant. It's absolutely ok to terminate. Have you had any counselling? That might help you decide.

Well,I don't normally comment on these type of threads because it's such a huge decision that the mother has to live with ,either way....but from what you have said,I would say your not 100% sure that is abortion is right ? Otherwise you wouldn't of posted this to ask....why not take a little longer to think ,before making a decision you can't change after it's done...I won't say what I would do I in your situation as that's irrelevant,...why not have some time to think through and plan how you could make this work...sometimes closer together babies are much easier than spaced out x

I understand all the PPs who say they couldn't terminate in your position but from what you say I have a feeling your mental health might take a serious dive if you go ahead.

Do you think you would cope emotionally/practically if this baby had additional needs? Of course I am not saying you should terminate just in case for that reason, but you do need to seriously if/how you'll cope in that scenario.

Sorry ..that came across wrong...I mean that abortion is right at the moment in your situation x sorry .