Terminating accidental PG after DC1

[Begentleplease]

Have namechanged. Please don't flame me...

Don't want to drip feed sorry if this is long. I have a DC, 2 and a half. Gorgeous, loved to bits, but I did find the first two years very very tough- not a good sleeper and parenthood came as a huge shock. I work free lance, very demanding job that I love, women very rare in the job. DH is a devoted father, does his fair share and more and we have lots of grandparent support. We are financially ok. I got pregnant accidentally (birth control fail). I don't feel ready for DC2. We always talked about 5 year age gap. My career has only just recovered and it was gutting to see all my contemporaries race ahead. I feel that it might be fatal to a job that I love and have fought so hard for to stop again so soon. My work is not compatible with BF, irregular, sometimes 16 hour days, no structure for breaks.

We have decided to terminate and try again in 18 months. I have lead this decision, DH supports, but is upset. I have never terminated before and I feel rotten about it. i already have a strong connection to this PG, and feel so ashamed that I got pregnant and that I am going to do this. I feel that a second DC now would be detrimental to my marriage, to my ability to parent current DC and to my career, and that these factors trump the potential of this new life... but I feel morally it's very hard, to throw something like this away.

Has anyone in a similar position done this?? Did you regret it?

I am fully pro choice but find in this instance i feel the whole future of this person that I am terminating. I do not want to tell my friends what is happening, or my family. Talking to DH is very hard as this is his child too and he is determined to support my decision, but it's cruel to get his hopes up and then decide to terminate so I can't explore all my thoughts fully with him...

I feel terrible about sex as well now :-( which I guess is just deserts.

I think my rational mind is made up that it's just the wrong time and not what we planned, but my heart hurts a lot. AIBU to terminate when we could do this, but it would be better to wait?

Don’t listen to the all the bleeding hearts who use flowery, guilt ridden prose to try and make you keep a baby you don’t feel ready for.

It is only your choice and no one else’s.

All I would caution is contemplate how you would feel if you terminated the pregnancy and then down the line found you couldn’t conceive any longer.

We have 1 DC, and have been trying for DC2 for 18+ months now. With only one Mc to show for it.

Nothing happens in life like we plan it to, so I would just say really think about long term and not the next 1-2 years.

I firmly believe you should do what is best for you and your family but I felt I needed to comment as from your OP and other comments it really doesn't sound like termination would be the right choice. I understand that it has happened at entirely the wrong time and you are probably panicking a bit and wishing it just hadn't happened. I think the feelings you already have about the pregnancy mean that it is likely that you'll really struggle if you go ahead with the termination.

It's scary deciding to have a second especially when you've had a tough time adjusting to one but as much as a second undoubtably adds work, it doesn't come with the same shock to the system adjustment as the first. You are already parenting. I would also be wary of assuming that leaving a gap will make it easier, is think the opposite would be true. You'll just be leaving the crazy baby phase to then jump back into it. I also see your career concerns differently. So your career took a hit the first time and you are a couple of years down the line and still trying to rebuild. Let's say you decide to wait, continue rebuilding and then have another child. Surely all that effort rebuilding your business will be wasted as it will take another hit. Wouldn't it be better to have the baby, manage the impact on your career as best you can (as you say you have lots of support) and then concentrate on rebuilding properly, with no plans for further interruptions?

I'm not making a judgement, I just feel from your own post that termination in this case isn't the way to go

I conceived DD2 when DD1 was seven months old. Having them that close together got all the nappies, sleepless nights, etc out of the way in one fell swoop. I would have been horrified at the thought of going through it all again when DD1 was 5 and at school!
OP, there is probably no perfect time to have a second child. It will disrupt your life, make demands on your time and affect your career whenever you choose to have it.
It is absolutely your decision and nobody else can tell you how to live your life or how to prioritise your career versus family - but if you were doubtful enough to post on here, then I think you need to explore all the possible childcare options before committing to a termination. And maybe your employer would also prefer you to get all your pregnancies out of the way in one go, rather than threatening more disruption at some unspecified point in five years time or so?

You’re choice but as you’ve posted in AIBU I am going to give my honest opinion, never in a month of Sundays would I terminate in your situation, you want another child in a couple of years anyway. A couple of years go extremely quickly. I have DCs but terminated a pregnancy a few years ago due to abnormalities and feel shit about it all the time and will be sad about it forever.

Sorry that you find yourself in this position op
Sorry also that there has been so many judgmental posts.
I can share my own experience with you, I don’t know if it will help or not.
I had an abortion many years ago when I was young. Years later I married my same dp and had a child. We now have a second on the way.
The abortion I had was very distressing, but if I hadn’t gone ahead, that baby would have had nothing like the secure life that my ds has. I do feel guilt and sadness, but there is not so much regret.

So I had dc1, and we were thinking about dc2. I knew that a second mat leave etc would really stall my career prospects. So when it came down to it I had to make a decision. When I looked back what would I truly regret. Halting my career, or not having that second child.
I knew a second child was more important.
I also didn’t want a large age gap, why spend five years or so rebuilding your career to take another mat leave. I also didn’t want nappies, buggies and snotty children for years and years. Best have that stage together in my opinion.

So I suppose the only advise I can offer, is for you to think five years ahead. How would it feel if your career had taken a back seat, but you have two children close in age, going on holiday in a family of four, etc. How would your finances be affected by this? Is there something else you could do for money? Once you have had this second child, presumably your family will be complete and that hopefully would mean no more interruptions for you, if it’s possible for you to get back into your field, or if you choose something new.

Or on the other side in five years time you could have your ds, and a newborn? How would that likely impact on your job then? Could you see yourself starting over once he is at school etc? (To some this would be ideal, it would be my nightmare!)

Or in five years time, you could have realised you will never have a good time for your second. You will always worry too much about work and you never took the plunge to conceive. You have one dc, and your career is flourishing.

What appeals to you the most? Which picture makes you feel happy/which makes you feel sad the most?

There are pros and cons to everything, and I think it is impossible to have it all.

I wish you and your family the best whatever you choose.

Your choice is the only one that matters. If you want one DC and feel that is right for your family then I think that's a totally valid and even selfless decision. But in all honesty I think your logic is off on the wait 18 months thing if you really do want a second child. All age gaps come with challenges and I don't think it'll be easier in 18 months' time, and that's even assuming you fall quickly when you do start trying. I have a 4 year age gap when I wanted a smaller gap and sometimes feel envious of those whose children are at closer stages but you play the hand you're dealt. Financially although you may have cashflow challenges to work through it is actually cheaper to have them closer together in the longer term.

I wouldn’t comment on terminating - it’s too short personal and no one should try and make you feel guilty.

I would however, say a 5 year gap is not ideal. I have 2 friends with this age gap and they wish they’d had their children closer together.

Take it steady before you decide. Your logical brain isnt the only thing at play here, You need to make a decision you wont regret. I think you should have some professional counselling from an unbiased counseller ( ie not the pro llife lot)

I personally think you've made the right decision. If internally you are looking for support/justification by asking a question here, I'd say: you don't need justification. It's the wrong time for you. period. You don't "owe" children to anybody. What's more, a lot of people's lives were ruined/made much more difficult than what they cope with with the additional, unplanned child.
Best of luck to you and your family. If more people actually were thinking, when in such difficult situation, their lives (and of those around them) were much better.

@begentleplease would you consider some crisis pregnancy counselling to help you make your decision?

I used to work in a role where women were asked about their previous pregnancies and it was extremely common for women to have had at least one termination up to that point. It’s not widely discussed which means that there is still stigma attached to this decision.

Some of the people who have given you a hard time on this thread will have had a termination, too.

My observation is this: if you feel doubt in your heart you are likely to feel guilt afterwards. If you feel sure but sad you will feel sad afterwards but accept it as one of life’s difficult experiences.

If you have time to think some more you probably should.

As time goes by, will you remember the pregnancy you terminated?
Will the child/young adult etc. forever be on your mind?
I guess I’m asking if you’re the type that will carry the burden of this forever.

That is emotive though. Of course she will remember it. That doesn't necessarily mean it isn't the best decision. And although the advice always seems to be that if you have any doubt you shouldn't terminate imo it's 100 times better to regret a termination than to regret a child, even if chances of coming round in time are strong.

I’m pro choice and support lots of patients with decisions either way. I would suggest not to proceed with termination if there is any tiny doubt whatsoever. Nobody ever comes back to say they regretted continuing a pregnancy, only the alternative. If there is doubt, it might leave you open to potential regret. Don’t rush your decision.

I couldn’t do it in those circumstances. It is however your decision and I hope you choose the right one for you and your family .

I'm sorry you are in this position OP.

I work in a related area and I think a really useful question (as already mentioned) is: if you can't conceive in the future would you regret the decision?

Also, maybe your job isn't compatible with another child whenever you have it? I understand the sleep issues etc that come with babies but there are always problems/issues with kids that require time and attention whatever their age.

Good luck!

I'm just wondering if you have considered not taking a long maternity leave.
I have peers in my industry that return after as little as two weeks...

Do you do follow up with your patients? Afyer 1 years? After 5? After 15? Just because they dont come back to tell you they regret going ahead - and let's face it, that's a pretty huge taboo in our society - doesn't mean none of them do.

I agree, tbh, that it seems illogical to terminate and then try again in what is a very short space of time, to have all the issues you fear now kicking in later. Perhaps your decision needs to be yes or no to a second child full stop, not yes or no to a second child now. (Unless you are just about to embark on a career step that will be really, genuinely decisive and can only happen now - like a huge research grant or something - which doesn't sound to be the case).

I think your thinking now is being driven by a sense of having 'only just escaped' from a difficult time and being 'caught up' in it all again, if that makes sense. There is the risk that if you tried again, that sense of being 'caught up' may be all the stronger for having had a taste of even-keel life/progressing career etc in between.

I'll add a warning about the curveballs life and fertility can throw you. I have three children and have had six miscarriages spanning almost a decade. One mc, one dc, two mc, second dc, three mc, third dc. I had my first mc at 27. Potential factors were found but the whole picture was so contradictory and confusing that I'll never really know what caused them. I would never assume the reproducibility (iyswim) of a pregnancy.

I think that as you are so undecided you would regret the decision if you go ahead with the termination. Think about yourself as an old lady looking back on your life, what will you value most? Your career or the people in your life? Imagine if you terminate and then can’t get pregnant again. I am biased because I had fertility problems but I believe that if I was in your position I wouldn’t terminate as your reasons aren’t strong enough and I think for me that the guilt would be too much to handle.

My concern here is that you don't sound 100% convinced. Do you think that the small doubt might grow into a huge regret?

I understand this point, but do you not think its better to perhaps regret a termination than it would be to regret a baby, a massive life change? If you somewhat regret a termination there aren't wide ranging implications for other people, and you can try again. If you have a baby and regret it (and please let's not pretend that doesn't happen, it really does), then you could ruin a marriage, a career, the other childs life, etc etc.
I've always thought that if you're not 100% sure you should have the baby, you probably shouldn't.

Also I think people who say children are more important than work didn't really understand OP's position. Its not just about someone enjoying their job and putting it first (though thats a valid choice). If someone loses their job or can't make their career fit around multiple children, that could mean a vast drop in standard of living. It could mean not being able to afford the mortgage, and all the knock on effects.

OP I can’t comment on whether you should terminate or not, only you can decide. But I will say that you don’t really sound to me like someone who actually wanted another child, at least before you were pregnant with this unplanned one. Planning a five-year gap, to me, feels like someone who’s dreading the next baby but feels obliged to provide a sibling.

If this is the case, just know that it is completely fine to have an only child. Only children actually have a lot of advantages. I believe being an only child is preferable to having such a large gap.

💐

You're absolutely right in terminating. A baby should be wanted, not resented. Do not look back after doing the deed. Youre stronger than As woman who felt she had to have the unwanted baby.

I had a termination once - it was very tough on my mental health and I felt the guilt was unbearable. But having said that I know it was the right decision for me.

Big hugs OP, I really feel for you. Sorry that hasn’t been much help Xx