Terminating accidental PG after DC1

[Begentleplease]

Have namechanged. Please don't flame me...

Don't want to drip feed sorry if this is long. I have a DC, 2 and a half. Gorgeous, loved to bits, but I did find the first two years very very tough- not a good sleeper and parenthood came as a huge shock. I work free lance, very demanding job that I love, women very rare in the job. DH is a devoted father, does his fair share and more and we have lots of grandparent support. We are financially ok. I got pregnant accidentally (birth control fail). I don't feel ready for DC2. We always talked about 5 year age gap. My career has only just recovered and it was gutting to see all my contemporaries race ahead. I feel that it might be fatal to a job that I love and have fought so hard for to stop again so soon. My work is not compatible with BF, irregular, sometimes 16 hour days, no structure for breaks.

We have decided to terminate and try again in 18 months. I have lead this decision, DH supports, but is upset. I have never terminated before and I feel rotten about it. i already have a strong connection to this PG, and feel so ashamed that I got pregnant and that I am going to do this. I feel that a second DC now would be detrimental to my marriage, to my ability to parent current DC and to my career, and that these factors trump the potential of this new life... but I feel morally it's very hard, to throw something like this away.

Has anyone in a similar position done this?? Did you regret it?

I am fully pro choice but find in this instance i feel the whole future of this person that I am terminating. I do not want to tell my friends what is happening, or my family. Talking to DH is very hard as this is his child too and he is determined to support my decision, but it's cruel to get his hopes up and then decide to terminate so I can't explore all my thoughts fully with him...

I feel terrible about sex as well now :-( which I guess is just deserts.

I think my rational mind is made up that it's just the wrong time and not what we planned, but my heart hurts a lot. AIBU to terminate when we could do this, but it would be better to wait?

It's a really tough decision but it's yours. It doesn't matter what I would do or what anyone else would do in your situation. It sounds like you're really thinking every aspect through and I'm glad your husband is being supportive - though it's a shame you don't feel able to talk your feelings through with him, I think it's lovely that you're trying to protect his feelings too.

I can so relate to how you're feeling, I found myself pregnant again when DD was only 9 months old, and I just couldn't be happy about the baby, only completely overwhelmed with all the things 'wrong' with the timing (it really was awful timing). It's obviously not that you're 'prioritizing the job', you simply can't disregard the financial stability of that job, especially as you already have a child to provide for.

It's an awful feeling as of course you want to keep any baby you've made! Nobody takes this decision lightly, and if you're feeling driven to something as awful as termination then your reasons - whatever they are - are good enough.

As it happens I decided to have the baby, for all the reasons mentioned in this thread - but miscarried. Was shocked and devastated, cried for a couple of days and felt terribly guilty - but deep down I knew it was the best outcome. Had my second child 18 months later and everything about it was 'right'. Just sharing my experience, Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think it might be worth thinking about what you could do differently that might make it more manageable or less daunting. If you bottle fed, hired a nanny, if DH took the parental leave, sleep training etc. Does thinking in these terms feel less overwhelming? If different ideals don't fit together, then they aren't ideal for you and you will never meet your own expectations. I'm only saying this as you sound so sad about it, it is completely your choice (but so are all the parenting decisions). It's not that your reasons aren't good, just that there is wiggle room in them. Job isn't compatible with BF - could just as easily be a reason to bottle feed, for example.

Talk to your DH about the details, not just the problems, see how much he would be willing to do or compromise on. Good luck with whatever you decide.

The book/film the Children Act is very similar to your job, there was never a right time for her to have a child , always the demands of her career .

@zeeboo

You asked in AIBU so I'll answer honestly rather than scrolling past.
How anyone can put a job on the same level of importance as any human being amazes me.
How anyone can put a job on a higher level of importance than their own child horrifies me.

What an ugly post! As a pp said, you should have just 'scrolled past!'

@Begentleplease

I am not sure you WANT a termination, and you're not are you, coz you wouldn't have posted on here.

Please think seriously before aborting. I am not totally against abortion (pretty indifferent to it.)

I think a small-ish gap between kids (like about 2 years or less) is much better than a 5 year one IMO.

As I said earlier, do what is best for you and your health, but make sure it's the right decision.

it’s very rare every poster will be supportive and I’ve already read a few unsupportive comments on this thread as it is. You don’t need that judgement

Why would the OP have asked for opinions if she only wanted to hear one type of answer?

What if you struggle to get pregnant again, to the timescale you wish? Have you considered if you would be happy with 1 child?

As others have said, maybe have this thread moved to the Pregnancy board. You might get more constructive advice. And it might be kinder to those facing infertility.

Pro choice and actually if I was pregnant now I’m
Not sure that I would have it (large age gap, family complete, my age etc) however, if I was planning a second and it just happened sooner than I would have liked I would def have had the baby. Your husband is obviously keen to keep the baby too. I would really reconsider as it’s not that you don’t want another baby - just that the timings wrong.

I’ve terminated due to the wrong timing. I went on to have a further pregnancy in about 18m.

I have no regrets at all, it wasn’t pleasant at the time if course, but it was absolutely the right theming for me and for our family.

You do not have to justify yourself to anyone and you do not need to feel guilty.

Try and be kind to yourself

Ok throwing a random thought is your partner able to halt his career instead of you

OP if you are still reading - so sorry you're in this position and totally support your ultimate decision. I do wonder though if it will impact your relationship to a point where it isn't repairable if you go through with this as it sounds as though your husband does want this baby but is being incredibly supportive and prepared to take your lead. However I think if it were me I would be very worried this would ultimately lead to resentment on his part and a sadness that just can't be made right- particularly if there were problems/disagreements down the line in when to conceive more children. I have 3 children under 4 and waited until late in life to try for children as I work in a professional role where it is hard for women to succeed. It's tough and I won't lie and tell you my most recent maternity leave hasn't led to problems with my current employer leave (even though only my second mat leave with them) but I wouldn't change it. It is possible to make it work if you try and if you are determined enough I am sure you could get through it. Some PP have given some great suggestions re nannies and feeding/paternity leave which means you are not the one taking the career hit. Wishing you the best and peace with whatever decision you come to xx

I posted on her a while ago (probably a different name back then!) About the nerves I had about being pregnant again. About the same gap as you. The same feeling of only just getting my life back. But i posted it the other way round- about feeling bad about keeping it when I might resent it. The support here was really strong.
Ill start by saying its your- and your DHs- decision. But a termination is not the only option. So the questions id be asking myself are:
18months later is not a long time. Will things really be different then career wise?
If you find that this is your last chance to have another child, will it upset you if you take that chance away from yourself? And DH.
Practically is you taking a career break/MATL the only option? Are there really no other options for childcare? Can DH do it? Can you get a nanny? Do you have to breastfeed?
And finally- do you actually want another child? Does DH?

I had a MC so never had to answer all ny questions. And its been a year and while I'm not so sad now I'm getting to realise there is no right time. There honestly hasnt been a right time to try again in the past year and I can't see a right time in the next.

I will be honest and say that I am pro life.

I have two children with the same age gap and can tell you that you are going to miss out on the amazing bond that your ds could have with his sibling-your baby. I also want to clarify too that your baby is someone not something! They are a person, a human being, not an object to be discarded.

It sounds to me like your career is not compatible with family life, you have a family! Your ds needs a Mummy just as much as the baby you are carrying! Sixteen hour days are not going to help you have a good relationship with your son. In your shoes I would retrain rather than kill my baby. Look at your son, can you imagine him not being there? At what point of your pregnancy would it have been ok to abort your son?

There are so many careers out there, you are clearly intelligent and are more than capable of retraining or starting your own business. I think if you do abort your child, then it’s only fair that you make sure that you don’t fall pregnant again.

Disclaimer, to those angry pro choices who disagree with my post- I am entitled to an opinion, that is what the OP asked for by posting here and that is what I am sharing! I have no intention of returning to find out the outcome of this awful post. So bitch about me all you want, however I won’t be reading your replies so it is up to you if you want to waste your own time!

I’m not going to react to your post CaledonianQueen but I do think if you voice an opinion you should own it, rather than posting then hiding from the responses.
Although I don’t know why I wrote that as you won’t read it anyway

I think if you do abort your child, then it’s only fair that you make sure that you don’t fall pregnant again

Why's that exactly? In punishment?

I don’t think you should terminate, because

a. You have said you already feel a strong connection to the pregnancy so I think you would regret an abortion
b. You want (or are at least open to) another child in the future

This is what I thought.

Good luck, OP.

It's been raised by a few pp, but will the op's DH consider taking parental leave? Until the option of a male partner taking parental leave is something everyone thinks about and it is considered perfectly normal by mothers, employers, colleagues, we're getting nowhere.

I must admit to feeling the same way as CaledonianQueen. It sounds to me that your work life as it is now will make it terribly difficult to combine with being a parent to one child, let alone two. I’d really be focusing on changing work rather than ending a pregnancy.

I feel for you, being in such a position, but honestly, the baby for me would always come before the career. I wish you all the best in making your decision. It is such a difficult one.

My parents were in a similar position to you OP, except it was her first pregnancy. She terminated - I was born 2.5 years later, when they were ready. My mum still has some sadness and guilt about it but equally, still thinks it was the right thing to do (the two are not mutually exclusive).

her? my mum's

I'm sorry your going through this. If I fell pregnant now I think I would have too terminate but I have the dc we want and can cope with 2.

Your situation is tricky because you want another one, everything people normally need in place is there ie money, marriage, stability etc. And you want a second... There are pros and cons with gaps and having two close together. After 1st it took another 6 years to conceive!!

It's been just as hard in its own way as 2 close together. There is much stuff we can't do due to the younger.
If I was you I'd bite this bullet and get it over with, then your done and can get proper contraception and once yiu have shortly young years over, it's done for ever and you can do everything work wise.

Having myself waited so long for no 2 I wouldn't bet on guaranteed 2nd child exactly when you want it.

I have to agree with CaledonianQueen. My family (including unborn baby) before work every time.

OP, it sounds like a lot of your (male) colleagues would also put their DC before their work, given a chance to do things all over again.

YANBU. It is your body your choice. People terminate pregnancies for a multitude of reasons each of which is important and relevant to them. The only thing i have a concern about is the bit where you said you'd try again in 18 months and this seems to be the bit that brings your dh on board with this termination. You went on to say in a later post that you would prefer to have no more children because of the struggle with no. 1 and the impact on your career. I think you need to be completely honest with your dh on this. Is there a potential that in 18 months you still won't want another child so not want to try? If there is you need to communicate this with your dh so he knows that there may never be another.

It's your choice- obvious Yalu. But for me- a few points. You want to progress in your career for 2 years, then again take mat leave- meaning you'd still be behind your contemporaries. Your child now sleeps- and if you have another non sleeper, will be doing the same in 2 years, not now. Your reasons aren't reasons I'd go with to terminate in all honesty- the sleep and the career may be exactly the same. This way, two kids, and can focus on work if that's your choice without another mat I teruprion and progress.