Terminating accidental PG after DC1

[Begentleplease]

Have namechanged. Please don't flame me...

Don't want to drip feed sorry if this is long. I have a DC, 2 and a half. Gorgeous, loved to bits, but I did find the first two years very very tough- not a good sleeper and parenthood came as a huge shock. I work free lance, very demanding job that I love, women very rare in the job. DH is a devoted father, does his fair share and more and we have lots of grandparent support. We are financially ok. I got pregnant accidentally (birth control fail). I don't feel ready for DC2. We always talked about 5 year age gap. My career has only just recovered and it was gutting to see all my contemporaries race ahead. I feel that it might be fatal to a job that I love and have fought so hard for to stop again so soon. My work is not compatible with BF, irregular, sometimes 16 hour days, no structure for breaks.

We have decided to terminate and try again in 18 months. I have lead this decision, DH supports, but is upset. I have never terminated before and I feel rotten about it. i already have a strong connection to this PG, and feel so ashamed that I got pregnant and that I am going to do this. I feel that a second DC now would be detrimental to my marriage, to my ability to parent current DC and to my career, and that these factors trump the potential of this new life... but I feel morally it's very hard, to throw something like this away.

Has anyone in a similar position done this?? Did you regret it?

I am fully pro choice but find in this instance i feel the whole future of this person that I am terminating. I do not want to tell my friends what is happening, or my family. Talking to DH is very hard as this is his child too and he is determined to support my decision, but it's cruel to get his hopes up and then decide to terminate so I can't explore all my thoughts fully with him...

I feel terrible about sex as well now :-( which I guess is just deserts.

I think my rational mind is made up that it's just the wrong time and not what we planned, but my heart hurts a lot. AIBU to terminate when we could do this, but it would be better to wait?

NadiaLeon it's utterly irresponsible to tell someone to get a termination, it needs to be their choice.

And, get of your high horse about a baby should be wanted not resented what sanctimonious nonsense.

Hi OP

Sorry you've got to make this decision, it's clear it's a very difficult one.

There is no right or wrong answer. Could you talk it over with a counsellor? Your husband may also have mixed feelings and so I think I would talk over with him again as long as you're both honest and he knows youre still erring on the side of a termination.

How do you think you would feel if you went ahead? Guilt or relief or both? And then again if you manged to have your 5 year gap? Only thing I'm not sure about is if your career is so difficult to build up again...do you think you will actually want to go through with it in 5 years? When you have passed the toddler stage - starting all again? Only asking as I think some of the issues you have now about having a second will be the same in a few months or a few years. So this may be a question about having another kid at all rather than having another kid now

Is there a third option at all like having the baby but getting a nanny or your husband being primary carer etc?

Good luck whatever you decide

nd, get of your high horse about a baby should be wanted not resented

if thats a high horse I hope we're all riding on them. Unless youre suggesting a baby should be resented, not wanted?

Lalliella

I think that as you are so undecided you would regret the decision if you go ahead with the termination. Think about yourself as an old lady looking back on your life, what will you value most? Your career or the people in your life? Imagine if you terminate and then can’t get pregnant again. I am biased because I had fertility problems but I believe that if I was in your position I wouldn’t terminate as your reasons aren’t strong enough and I think for me that the guilt would be too much to handle.

I 100% agree with this post. I feel you would have far more regret terminating a pregnancy because it came a couple of years early for you. It might also do terrible damage to your marriage. I really hope that you go ahead and have your second baby, and that your husband/family support you well through the tough early years. Within no time at all your children will be bigger and much less demanding of your time and energy. You will have decades of your life left to work on your career.

It is really your own choice after a lot of discussion with DH.
I know of someone who got pregnant "at the wrong time" and had a termination. She said that the arrangements were made far too easily. After a time and supposedly "a right or better time" another baby was conceived which was born. Decades later this lady still wonders about the terminated baby, would it have been a boy or girl but she thinks she knows the answer to that, would it have been clever or not, would it be dark or blond haired, tall or short. The baby born a bit later is not a very friendly sort of person and has a bit of a nasty streak (not just hearsay I have seen it myself). The lady wonders how it would have been if the terminated baby had been born.
This is decades later and the lady is still wondering about that baby and that to me is the main issue.
I do not believe that babies know when they are meant to be conceived or born so I just don't think that people can make it "the right time".
Wishing you peace with your eventual outcome.

The OP is asking for opinion on what to do. Loads of people are saying keep it, and I am of the other opinion. Of course it's the OP and her OH's decision. That was never in doubt.

I don't think it's in the least bit irresponsible. At least no more irresponsible than anyone offering an opinion on this thread. Either option could turn out to be the wrong one for the OP. Not everyone faced with an accidental pregnancy shrugs and slips into the future and lives happily ever after. That's why women fight for the right to choose.

I think by saying "try again in 18 months" all you're doing is kicking the can down the road. The problems you face now will be the same in eighteen months- you'll still be tired (if not more so because you're that bit older), your marriage will still be tested. The nature of your chosen career means you'll never have the level of security you think you need- and even then, when you had your DS you had achieved a level of success that disappeared in a puff of smoke. There will never be "the right time".

You say you think you're quite happy to stay at one, but then talk about trying again in 18 months. That sounds like deep down you're happy with one, but don't want to actually make the final decision to not give him a sibling. It's like you want to be removed from that decision ("it was never the right time") rather than own it.

On the other hand you do talk about feeling an attachment to this baby. Maybe that's hormones, but it could just as easily being your heart. If I were in your shoes if I ever wanted another I'd be rolling with this one, keep the pregnancy quiet and get sterilised immediately after, and FF to facilitate an earlier return to work- I know someone professionally who just did this. It's not pretty but imho it's better to get it out of the way now and then focus on your career with no need to take further time out in the future.

There's no way (in your shoes) that I'd choose a job over a healthy baby : they are such a gift. And you would be very presumptuous, to assume that you would get the chance to conceive again.

My parents conceived me by accident. I was their first pregnancy, and very much a mistake! They were young and poor, and totally not ready for a baby, but they went ahead anyway, cos my Mum could not face an abortion. They struggled by and eventually, got themselves in to a better position financially to try for a sibling for me....

They had 7 miscarriages and 2 babies that died a few days after they were born. Turns out, that they carry a genetical condition, and for me to have been born healthy was extremely lucky. My point is, that a healthy baby doesn't always come along, when you snap your fingers. They are a miracle.

If you had to pick now, between losing your existing child or your job, what would you pick? It's kind of the same, because once this baby is born, you will love it exactly the same as the child you already have. Within seconds of seeing it's face.

10 years from now, none of this stuff about your job will be important. But a child will be.

And i have suffered recurrent miscarriages too that nearly broke me. I still would take no crumb of comfort from someone else having a child they weren't ready for.

18 months will fly by, the pros and cons will still be there.

Hi OP, sorry you’re having to make this decision. Your situation does sound pretty unique with your particular career likely to suffer so much if you were to have another one so soon, and only you know the intricacies of that.

I’m very much pro choice and tend to think of it as a tiny little cluster of cells and nothing more in the early weeks. For that reason I know I’d feel better about making a decision to terminate as soon as possible in the first trimester to reduce the likelihood of having feelings of regret etc later on.

We only get one life and you know you found it tough in the first year of DC1 so your trepidation is understandable.

I know women who’ve terminated in the early weeks and never regretted it so don’t feel you have to be swayed be pro lifer posts. Good luck whatever you decide.

I terminated a pregnancy when my son turned 1, it wasnt planned and was a BC failure. 3 years on, I still regret it.
No way could I terminate in your circumstances.
I have 3 under 5, it's hard v hard but a termination would never cross my mind now

I am pro choice but personally in your situation I could never terminate. Mine are closer together than I had hoped, as I got pregnant the month after I stopped breastfeeding. Didn’t realize how fertile I’d be but we were open to another baby so weren’t using BC.

I also have a career in a male dominated industry and struggle with feelings that I’ve been left behind too. But I love my children.

Can I ask if it hasn’t come up already - what kind of BC failure? Given you were wanting a 5 year gap would have thought IUD or implant. Which of course can fail but rarely.

Oh OP, what a hard decision

In your position, and especially given that you love DC1 so much (which I mention because it will mean you are aware of what a baby would be like and how you would feel), I personally would have the baby now. I think from your post that you would regret a termination. Whilst it is ultimately your decision, it does also sound as if your DH would regret it, and that could lead to emotional problems for him later, however supportive he is.

BUT that’s only based on words on a screen which of course I have interpreted my way. Perhaps talking to a counsellor as soon as you can arrange it would be best? Lots of luck with whatever you decide; it’s not an easy one at all 🤞🏻

I do think the idea that you need an abortion now but would have a baby in 18 months is really hard to read.

Your body, your choice.

If it was my body and my choice I'd either terminate and stick with one child - because I don't think you're likely to feel any more secure in your career in a years time or two years time, it's really difficult to go back to the beginning once you've got your first child "off your hands" so to speak with school etc. and I think a five year age gap is pointless. They'll be too far apart to really play together and your older one will remember it more and is probably more likely to feel left out (in my opinion) - or I would keep the baby and deal with it. This is a better age gap, won't feel as much like starting over than it will in a few years and it won't feel like you're risking as much if you've not put as much work in as you will have done in a couple more years.

For what it's worth my first child was extremely hard work (and still is to some extent), my second is an absolute dream.

Go for counselling... no one else can decide this for you as there is no right answer, only what is right for you. Some good options on here though so maybe Find out if you oh could and would take paternity etc so you know your options. Good luck op, it’s an awful situation

Can I just ask that people stop saying how awful a five year age gap would be? As someone with a larger gap not through choice I find it a bit tough reading how my dd1 would be better off without a sibling at all, and I don't think this is true. I think the point that there is no ideal gap is valid though. None of the difficulties will have vanished and though you might have rallied a bit mentally, new challenges will arise. I think it'd be valid to say you don't want this baby now and that you may one day be ready to try again. To commit (mentally or by promising to DH) now to trying again in 18 months is the bit that doesn't quite add up, though I have every sympathy with a very difficult decision.

Totally depends on you and your partner’s feelings and how you would cope. If you were saying you only wanted 1 then it would be more straightforward but I can’t get my head around you saying you would terminate and try again in 18 months. In 18 months you will have the same fears and issues, for many people there is rarely a perfect time. It sounds like the first time was hard and a shock but there’s nothing to indicate a second would be the same. I think you are probably kidding yourself if you think waiting 18 months will change your circumstances hugely.

Age gap discussion between siblings are ridiculous and pointless because you each persons situation and kids are different. I had a gap of 2 years and it was dreadful, boy and girl who seemingly hated each other on sight and have never enjoyed doing the same thing. Worst gap for me. My best gaps were 13 months (2 girls who have a fantastic relationship) and 4 years (boy and girl who get along brilliantly)
People can share their experiences but someone else’s would be different. Do what works for you.

I did this. Financially I couldn't have coped at the time (well I thought I wouldn't have) so we took the decision to terminate. A month after doing so I got a huge payrise and my husband got a massive inheritance so the finance wouldn't have been an issue. I regret it everyday. We are now TTC and have had 4 miscarriages on the bounce so it is even more gut wrenching and I hate myself. It is your call and everybody has their own reasons, but just make sure it's definitely what you want.

I do understand why you're considering this and it's obviously a difficult decision. The fact you feel that you feel you want another child in a couple of years makes it harder.

I know a lot of people have had terminations and don't regret it at all. But I know plenty of people who have suffered awfully to the extent it interferes with their entire life. Unfortunately there's no way to predict which of the groups someone might fall into (if either). Personally I regret it so much, if I could I would change things and if it had happened more recently it would have impacted my ability to work and parent more than having a child would! I have had counselling and am a lot better now but it took years to reach this point.

But if you decided to continue, you don't have to take long off work. You could return after a month (or even less)!which surely couldn't affect your career much? Or get a nanny as others have said, or you DP take on the majority of childcare, which may actually make things easier than they are now for you as 16 hr days and no breaks can't be easy wit a young child. But I can't see how it would be easier to take time off in a a couple of years time compared to now.

And if breastfeeding isn't compatible with your job, don't do it. It's not compulsory!

People are saying you have to be happy with your decision, but how can you ever be when you don't how you'll cope in either situation? I just hope that all works out for you whatever you do x

OP

What does concern me is the fact that you said you will try in 18 months for a baby. I don't think much will change in that time , the issues will still very likely be there. Although I am pro choice, for me personally, I could not terminate knowing I was going to try again in 18 months. I could not terminate a child whilst already planning to conceive another.

I too am not sure why you aren't saying you will try when you are ready. Why the 18 month time frame?

I am sorry you are in this position, I know how very hard it is to have an unplanned pregnancy that you are not ready for but also have a strong connection to the pregnancy. In my case I went through with the pregnancy and it worked out well, but my situation was very different to yours.

If you do go ahead with the termination I would seriously think about your plans to conceive in 18 months times. That is a lot of pressure to put on yourself and a lot of potential disappointment for yourself and your husband. If you aren't ready for another child that is fine and you can try to conceive when you are ready.