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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Terminating accidental PG after DC1

193 replies

Begentleplease · 17/08/2018 12:30

Have namechanged. Please don't flame me...

Don't want to drip feed sorry if this is long. I have a DC, 2 and a half. Gorgeous, loved to bits, but I did find the first two years very very tough- not a good sleeper and parenthood came as a huge shock. I work free lance, very demanding job that I love, women very rare in the job. DH is a devoted father, does his fair share and more and we have lots of grandparent support. We are financially ok. I got pregnant accidentally (birth control fail). I don't feel ready for DC2. We always talked about 5 year age gap. My career has only just recovered and it was gutting to see all my contemporaries race ahead. I feel that it might be fatal to a job that I love and have fought so hard for to stop again so soon. My work is not compatible with BF, irregular, sometimes 16 hour days, no structure for breaks.

We have decided to terminate and try again in 18 months. I have lead this decision, DH supports, but is upset. I have never terminated before and I feel rotten about it. i already have a strong connection to this PG, and feel so ashamed that I got pregnant and that I am going to do this. I feel that a second DC now would be detrimental to my marriage, to my ability to parent current DC and to my career, and that these factors trump the potential of this new life... but I feel morally it's very hard, to throw something like this away.

Has anyone in a similar position done this?? Did you regret it?

I am fully pro choice but find in this instance i feel the whole future of this person that I am terminating. I do not want to tell my friends what is happening, or my family. Talking to DH is very hard as this is his child too and he is determined to support my decision, but it's cruel to get his hopes up and then decide to terminate so I can't explore all my thoughts fully with him...

I feel terrible about sex as well now :-( which I guess is just deserts.

I think my rational mind is made up that it's just the wrong time and not what we planned, but my heart hurts a lot. AIBU to terminate when we could do this, but it would be better to wait?

OP posts:
NadiaLeon · 18/08/2018 11:49

Your choice OP. We will support you either way. Do what's best for you.
A small likelihood but if you had a baby with defects, you'd maybe regret your choice. No guarantees you'll have a healthy baby now.
Most women who get pregnant don't ask the internet if they should keep it. That's a massive red flag and don't ignore your spidey senses.

Kpo58 · 18/08/2018 15:03

OP why is it better for your career to try and have another baby in 18 months where you are likely to loose your clients and have to rebuild (again) than now when you haven't completely rebuilt your client list from your first DC? Would it not be more detrimental to loose them a second time and look "unreliable" long term?

LimboLuna · 18/08/2018 15:19

There will never be a right time, there will always be a reason not to.
It is completely your choice, it really is. As someone who had (note had!) a crappy child friendly career I wonder if actually your better off ripping the plaster off now and getting the whole baby thing done now instead of setting yourself back again in 5 years.
In 5 years you have school to contend with (school plays, parent mornings, school holidays) as well as all that goes with newborns.
It’s easier to occupy two similar ages then one who wants CBeebies and one who wants cbbc. People I know who have with that age gap so a lot of farming out to friends to do something one wants to do.
As well as setting your career back again.

There is no right or wrong, you have to live with your choice, not me or the next poster. I wish you well op Flowers

FASH84 · 18/08/2018 17:01

I understand your thought process OP, we had been told we'd need fertility treatment. I had just started a new secondment, promotion, lots of travel, amazing career experience and potential. I fell pregnant. We've gone ahead because I'd never forgive myself if this was my only chance, but I do feel sad about my career. It's a consideration a man will never have to make, my employer is very female oriented and I have good maternity leave etc, but it will still have an impact. I know I'm not cut out to be a SAHM I need the very intellectual challenge of my job, it's not a popular thing to say but I've accepted it's who I am. I do want this baby a lot, but if DH could've done the pregnancy and career impact bit I would've been fine with that. You need to make the choice that's right for you.

FASH84 · 18/08/2018 17:10

*realised that wasn't clear, we didn't have the treatment, we were told we'd need it, so I thought I had a bit more time, around another eighteen months at least and that's if it worked fairly quickly

violets17 · 19/08/2018 10:42

OP - I'm sorry you're in this situation. I was too and made the decision to terminate. Mine was an IUD going AWOL so I honestly had no clue I was pg and was binge drinking a bit at the time. I already had 2 DC but was single. I would have gone ahead if it wasn't for the drinking and I do feel sad that it turns out it was my last pg (years ago now).

My opinion fwiw is that you have the absolute right to terminate of course. But if you are in a position that you can manage and have a good relationship then you may find it hard to live with later.

bracken101 · 19/08/2018 12:05

Your body, your choice. I will tell you my experience, I had an unplanned pregnancy when my youngest was 18 months. In my heart I desperately wanted a third child, but we had been through a really rough couple of years, I struggled with the early baby days, we had financially struggled but I had recently got a job that I loved, but was temporary however there was a chance of a permanent contract. I felt that if I had this baby, that chance was gone and I would be reducing the quality of life for my existing children to have a third. Therefore I felt I had no choice but to terminate.

I went through with it but felt I couldn’t tell anyone other than my husband. He had the children so had to go alone, so hard I nearly bottled it.

For about a year I was very low, crying a lot and found friends pregnancies very hard. Two had babies in the month mine was due and that was the hardest time of all, I grieved. But time heals and despite the grief I still felt I had done the right thing for my family. I still imagine the age of the child, and what might of been, but I am at peace with my decision.

My husband was very supportive either way, but I had to make the decision. I found sex very hard for ages, the guilt of getting pregnant when I got carried away for one moment, and the failure of the MAP.

He had a vasectomy as I knew I could not have another after going through it.

You need to do what you feel is right for you, your family and your mental health. Be kind to yourself.

Clawdy · 19/08/2018 12:17

Even if you succeed in having another child in a couple of years, you will always look back on the lost one, and wonder about what it would have been, how old it would have been now.....Go with your heart.

poppyseed1663 · 19/08/2018 12:35

I really feel for you. It is a tough position to be in. However, I wouldn't terminate just because it wasn't the exact right time. You never know if you'll be able to have another in 18 months time and as the old saying goes 'there's never the "perfect " time to have a baby'.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Essexgirlupnorth · 19/08/2018 12:55

I'm sorry your previous employer treated you so badly over your last pregnancy. It is crap woman get treated like that. It is your pregnancy and your choice to terminate.

In your position I couldn't do it but my work situation is different as I would go back to the same job. I wouldn't take your future fertility for granted. You say you wouldn't regret your termination but what it you can't get pregnant when it is the right time. I also struggled with the early years and we didn't starting trying for a second child till first was three. Now she is about to turn 5 and I haven't got pregnant and now I'm not sure if I want to get back to night feeds and nappies.

No one can force you to have a baby you don't want.

Chattycat78 · 19/08/2018 13:46

I’m afraid I agree with the poster above. Never take your fertility for granted. I have a friend who has tried for several years for a second and it hasn’t happened (as yet).

Babies come along when they want, and not always exactly to the schedule we want.

It’s a very tough position to be in. Flowers

Chattycat78 · 19/08/2018 13:49

.....I should also say that I don’t comment lightly. I had to terminate one of my twins a few years ago at 12 weeks because he or she was too sick to survive. Do not underestimate the effect that this may (or may not) have on your mental health at a later stage.

pouraglasshalffull · 19/08/2018 13:49

I personally wouldn't be able to do this. If I was in a position to financially support and be able to raise another child there is no way I could get a termination just for your own convenience

Its your own choice, if your not ready for DC2 your not ready, if you wouldn't be fully committing to it then its your choice, I just couldn't go through with it

pouraglasshalffull · 19/08/2018 13:52

You said a second child would be detrimental to your marriage but also said DH is upset despite supporting your decision, who's to say he might regret letting you go through with it and end up resenting you? Don't just presume that because you got pregnant now you will be able to again in 18 months. You would regret terminating DC2 if you couldn't get pregnant again

Good luck whatever you choose to do

AlansLeftMoob · 19/08/2018 13:55

I would also advise that you ask this question in a different forum.

You are not unreasonable to consider a termination. If there's a reason for you to consider it, it's valid.

MeyMary · 19/08/2018 14:04

I'm so sorry OP. This is your choice and idk whether strangers' opinions could be helpful.

Somethings that have occurred to me when reading this:

You'd be happy to stop with one but will try again in 18 months... Will things be significantly different in 18 months? (It seems like a rather short amount of time)

Do you want to try again in 18 months? If yes, how would you feel if it didn't happen / if you were to struggle to conceive?

Or are you just willing to try again because your DH wants a 2nd child?

DemocracyDiesInDarkness · 04/09/2018 10:52

Hi OP, I woke up thinking about you. I hope whatever decision you came to in the end feels like the right one. Don't feel like you have to reply, I just wanted you to know that you're in someone's thoughts.

Be kind to yourself Flowers

SlimmingMumOf1 · 04/09/2018 10:53

Not been in your position but I have had a termination and I don't regret it. I knew I was not ready to have a baby at that time.

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