So upset with DH, really don't know what to do

[lewislola]

DH and I had a really good sex life - I fell pregnant on the pill last year, resulted in a mc at 18 weeks. For various reasons, sex life since our mc last April has been rubbish - we've literally had sex 6 times.

We got married in June just gone... 3 out of those 6 times were on our honeymoon.

DH was so upset when he found out we didn't conceive on our honeymoon, despite me telling him it was impossible as not during FW. He keeps telling me how he "can't believe" I've not conceived in the past year - keep explaining that you need to have sex to have a baby he said ok, let's try harder from now.

Start of this cycle I bought digital OPKs, told him in advance when I thought I may be ovulating. OPK confirmed ovulation yesterday, told him, all positive reactions then last night got into bed... and he switched on sky sports news. Tried to cuddle in, kiss him etc... told me I was being a "pest" and to "leave him alone."

He loves kids, constantly talks about how much he wants a family. His best friends gf has recently had a baby, he has nieces and nephews who he adores, we bought our house specifically with the intent on raising a family there. I started my own business and am earning more through it than my FT job (which I hate) however DH and I discussed that it would be best to stay there until I fall pregnant for the mat pay. We are financially secure, he has a very good job - there is absolutely no reason that I can see or he has voiced that would make him back off.

I lead awake until half 3 last night wondering what's wrong with me, why he won't sleep with me. I'm mid 20s, a size 6, would like to think fairly attractive... he is late 30s.

Decided to talk to him about it this morning - was as diplomatic as possible but really upset. He completely flew off the handle with me, telling me I don't understand how hard he works, to "take the pressure off and we might have a baby", how I'm so demanding, nothing makes me happy.

I'm so upset - I don't know who to talk to in RL, he makes all the right noises about wanting a baby. I'm stretching myself working a job I hate plus my own business (plus all the housework and looking after the animals). He leaves the house at 7.30, gets home at 6. Spends the rest of the time in his boxers watching tv. I genuinely don't know what to do or how to resolve this 😢😢

Do you think he may be fearful of the chance of another miscarriage? He may be struggling with his feelings around this.

I knew someone who similarly lost a baby at the same stage of pregnancy - my heart goes out to you.

Her husband was devastated by the loss, but kept his emotions held in. But he kept avoiding the possibility of having another child. When it eventually came to a head, it turned out he just couldn't face the possibility of going through that loss again, or seeing her go through it. He couldn't cope with his emotions around the whole subject, so hence the anger/avoidance. Counselling helped.

Big hugs.

Did he used to spend every evening watching tv in his boxers? I'd find it hard to get turned on by a man like that.

You’re still quite young fertility wise, do you think maybe take a break from ttc?

Sounds like he knows deep down that he is as responsible as you for creating a child but it makes life easier for him just to make it "your fault".

I also reckon the more he sees his behaviour is upsetting (and that he is getting away with it) the more it will continue.
Try, hard as it may be, backing off, be super confident, start looking out for yourself as opposed to his needs. Put yourself first. Not only you will feel better for it but also he will notice the change and undoubtedly come crawling back.

I think you really need to see a therapist and ask him to do it as a couple.
But until you're both on the same page, look at going back on birth control, right now, his actions are very clearly showing he doesn't want a baby (no matter what his words are). Whether you get through this as a married couple or not, pregnancy will only amplify the stress and cracks in the marriage. Getting to the point where you can both talk about it calmly and set a pattern for conflict resolution that doesn't involve exploding at each other is super important- especially as the initial sleep deprived newborn state is a major stress.
And sympathies for your loss.

DH was so upset when he found out we didn't conceive on our honeymoon, despite me telling him it was impossible as not during FW. He keeps telling me how he "can't believe" I've not conceived in the past year

This would be an unacceptable way of speaking to you even if you were having sex six times a day seven days a week. I'm really sorry, OP, going through a miscarriage is bad enough without this nonsense on top of it. I would be saying to him that I understand that he's upset about not conceiving yet but blaming you is not the way to deal with it. And I would not be having sex with him whilst he was talking to me like that.

for your loss

I agree that this is nonsense. He is wilfully misunderstanding the process, or pretending to - such as the honeymoon not being your fertile week, and the fact that saying you're pestering on a fertile day means no dice for another whole month.

Either he is a knob who doesn't want a baby and is saying he does so he can kick the can and string you along, or he is scares of another loss and doesn't feel he can tell you. Only you know which is more likely.

Thank you all.

It's such a heartbreaking situation - and him not wanting me/rejecting me is starting to take it's toll. I'm beginning to feel like there is something wrong with me or he doesn't find me attractive anymore.

He's reassured me it's not about the mc, I think we are both past that, I sought professional help at the time - he is currently seeing a therapist for something unrelated but I know the baby has come up a few times.

@HollowTalk no, something that's only happened since Christmas really. It isn't my favourite trait but have let it slip as he does work hard.

I just don't understand why he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore, I really don't 😢 it sounds like I'm a sex addict but 1-2 times per month would be fine, just A chance at conceiving and feeling loved/wanted to a degree...

@Ghanagirl it's impossible to take a break when we haven't even been trying!

Did he know that it wasn't a FW whilst on the HM?

If so then it does seem as if he doesn't want to TTC-especially the not wanting to on a fertile day.

Might that all have seemed too clinical/planned for him?

If you only lost your baby in April, what does he mean when he says he "can't believe" you haven't conceived in the past year? It's only 4 months since April

Sorry, I should have been clear. Not therapy about the loss, but about how he is treating you. Ideally it would be couple therapy, but even if he doesn't want to, citing his current therapy, going solo can help clarify options, boundaries and what you want.

He dosnt sound very supportive,why is he in his boxers watching to ,while you clear up around him like his mother? Is he doing half of the domestic stuff? I think you can do much better than him.he dosnt sound very kind or supportive

I wouldn’t want to have a baby with someone who was behaving so badly
His actions really don’t match his words do they ?
And sitting all evening in his pants watching TV...yuk !
You are both young. Go out and live a little.

Tv not to

@diddl yes he did... but then he's also said things to indicate that he doesn't really understand what FW is and believes you can get pregnant at any point in your cycle. So unsure if he is playing ignorant or not?

@InfiniteVariety we lost the baby in April 2017, sorry I should have been clearer x

@Justanothernameonthepage yes that's not a bad idea actually... I may try and book somewhere in. It would be helpful to get an objective, unbiased insight

@Slimmingsnake he's not a particularly domestic type!! No he doesn't do much at all.

@MirriVan thank you, that's helpful... I'd like to hope the mc has upset him but have a gut feeling there maybe more too it x

You've got two issues here - your sex life and his attitude towards you and the housework.

The first one can only be sorted out with honest and open conversations. Tell him that you aren't trying to make him feel bad but he needs to stop talking about how keen he is to have a family if he's not prepared to be honest with you about why he doesn't want to be intimate. One won't happen without the other and whilst he has every right not to want to have sex, you also have the right to honesty from him about why this is the case.

The second one also needs a frank conversation. Why are you running round doing a FT job, caring for your animals and doing all of the housework as well? Why isn't he pulling his weight? Is he under the impression that he is a guest in a hotel? Does he think that food magically appears and cooks itself, that shirts mysteriously reappear washed and ironed, that bins empty themselves? If you are going to have children then does he expect you to do all of that work as well?

One thing is for certain; assuming you get your sex life back on track I wouldn't be actively TTC until he's sorted out his 1950s attitude and started doing his share of the shit work and chores, as people like this only get worse once children come along.

Oh and FWIW I don't particularly enjoy housework. But not being "domestically inclined" doesn't give you a free pass not to lift a finger. I'm sure there are plenty of tasks he has to do at work that he doesn't enjoy.

he's also said things to indicate that he doesn't really understand what FW is and believes you can get pregnant at any point in your cycle. So unsure if he is playing ignorant or not?

It never ceases to amaze me how many men are really quite ignorant about women's bodies, anything to do with menstruation, fertility etc. He may just need educating.

I think people are being quite generous about him.

He sounds like he has what he wants (a wife to cook and clean and provide emotional support) and he's now settling into a life of being king of the castle and doing sweet f.a.

I absolutely couldn't be married to someone who sat in front of the telly in his boxers and did nothing else. Doesn't he have any hobbies or do exercise, or have an understanding of needing to chip in with running the home?

I don't believe the no sex thing is because of the MC. My best guess is he is having issues with his sex drive or ED. Does he watch a lot of porn?

Don't settle. I know you are married but you are so young. I bet you're lovely. You have a long life ahead of you and you have every right to be happy. It's absolutely not unreasonable to want sex a few times a month to a few times a week - he's not 60 and ten years into a stale marriage. This is very unlikely to be an issue about you or how desirable you are. Do not let him convince you otherwise.

This reads more like a control tactic when you look at it all in the round. A very successful one too: you're racing round trying to bend every which way to be perfect and appease him and satisfy him, and feel too shit about yourself to even contemplate that maybe the problem is his behaviour not yours.

How long have you been together?

You keep saying how your husband "works so hard" and you therefore don't want to begrudge him sitting in front of the TV all night every night. How did you reach this conclusion?

From your posts:

Husband - works full time, then comes home and watches TV.

You - work full time, and run a business, and do all the housework, and look after the animals.

You're the one who sounds in need of a rest. What possible grounds can there be for you to do all of those things while he makes no contribution? And how on earth would you manage to do all that with a child? If he's not doing his share of household tasks now it sure as hell won't start once you have a child.

The way he's been speaking to you is unacceptable, and not how you speak to somebody you love or respect.

And no, I'm not calling him an evil monster, nor do I hate him. What I hate is the shitty way he's treating you and the damaging impact it's having on you. It's not normal or OK.

Did you tell him you were ovulating? I used OPKs and my partner found he didn’t like knowing when it was the fertile window as he felt under pressure and worried about letting me down if he was tired from work etc. It worked much better for us when I didn’t tell him!

It does sound like he might have issues around ttc/fear of another loss. Perhaps try intiating sex away from your fertile week and see how that goes? I agree with others therapy might help too if you can get hom there.