So upset with DH, really don't know what to do

[lewislola]

DH and I had a really good sex life - I fell pregnant on the pill last year, resulted in a mc at 18 weeks. For various reasons, sex life since our mc last April has been rubbish - we've literally had sex 6 times.

We got married in June just gone... 3 out of those 6 times were on our honeymoon.

DH was so upset when he found out we didn't conceive on our honeymoon, despite me telling him it was impossible as not during FW. He keeps telling me how he "can't believe" I've not conceived in the past year - keep explaining that you need to have sex to have a baby he said ok, let's try harder from now.

Start of this cycle I bought digital OPKs, told him in advance when I thought I may be ovulating. OPK confirmed ovulation yesterday, told him, all positive reactions then last night got into bed... and he switched on sky sports news. Tried to cuddle in, kiss him etc... told me I was being a "pest" and to "leave him alone."

He loves kids, constantly talks about how much he wants a family. His best friends gf has recently had a baby, he has nieces and nephews who he adores, we bought our house specifically with the intent on raising a family there. I started my own business and am earning more through it than my FT job (which I hate) however DH and I discussed that it would be best to stay there until I fall pregnant for the mat pay. We are financially secure, he has a very good job - there is absolutely no reason that I can see or he has voiced that would make him back off.

I lead awake until half 3 last night wondering what's wrong with me, why he won't sleep with me. I'm mid 20s, a size 6, would like to think fairly attractive... he is late 30s.

Decided to talk to him about it this morning - was as diplomatic as possible but really upset. He completely flew off the handle with me, telling me I don't understand how hard he works, to "take the pressure off and we might have a baby", how I'm so demanding, nothing makes me happy.

I'm so upset - I don't know who to talk to in RL, he makes all the right noises about wanting a baby. I'm stretching myself working a job I hate plus my own business (plus all the housework and looking after the animals). He leaves the house at 7.30, gets home at 6. Spends the rest of the time in his boxers watching tv. I genuinely don't know what to do or how to resolve this 😢😢

I am also very very guilty of stropping about my family not doing enough while announcing "it's just quicker if I do it myself"! It is quicker but it's not solving the problem. They can't win if I insist on being the only one allowed to play. I think lots and lots of us are guilty of that.

It sounds very much like now is not the time to add a baby to the mix. Have you considered maybe having some counselling together?

X post. You are going to be a Single Mum, but with a controlling twat in the background.

The marriage was a good move, in the sense that a parting will be easier and less messy, than if you were living together.

Justanothernameonthepage's advice is spot-on, start using birth control (if you're still going to sleep with this man-child)!

I'm glad to hear that you're going to think things over this weekend, you deserve so much better than this. I can't believe he's 38, he sounds like a petulant teenager!

At 25, you have your whole life in front of you. I do believe in second chances, so in your situation, I'd give him a chance to change his behaviour - tell him straight that you won't put up with these mixed messages and laziness at home anymore. If he won't change, leave him behind and find someone more worthy of your love. Good luck!

You have just got married, this is the best and most loving your husband will ever be. Its all downhill from here. If you hardly have sex now, what do you think will happen when you have children. Are you prepared for a life of celibacy?

he’s covering all his tracks!

Google "Living with the Dominator" on youtube, and the book. Written by Pat Craven who developed the Freedom Programme that helps women get out/recover after coercive, controlling and abusive relationships.

This level of control (the sex in particular) is scary, and you are not pregnant yet (when it often starts or ramps up). Please think seriously about your future. Sadly, if you want it to be happy it probably won't be with him.

I guess how he is acting now is the same type of behaviour manifesting in a different way - I think you're right. This is just another form of abusive behaviour. That's really worrying and it makes me wonder how he would be if you actually did have a child. Becoming a parent and living with a baby/child can make these sort of behaviours very much more likely, and very much more acute. Baby's are stressful. He is likely to feel out of control, with both the home situation, and of you since you would then have another role in life that puts him firmly second. I would think carefully whether you really want to continue to build your life with this man, about what type of father he would make (totally different being a parent compared with seeing him interacting with family or friends children) and about how being a parent might worsen his behaviours towards you.

Think very very carefully. Every single update you have posted puts him in an even worse light. He's gone from sounding like a lazy bloke who's feeling the pressure a bit, to a complete arsehole who is controlling and emotionally abusive.

That message was horrible. What exactly do you have to be grateful for? His Lordship sitting in his pants whilst you wait on him hand and foot?

You have one life. You are only 25 right now. Think very carefully about whether you want to spend your fertile years with him being treated like an idiot and working yourself into the ground.

You are worth more than this. You know you are. You also know in your gut that something is wrong. Deleting his browsing history and messenger is a huge red flag.

If you want to dig further, then google has a number of articles on how to recover browsing history depending on which one you use. Likewise with FB messenger.

Even if he is terribly upset about the MC, it doesn’t absolve him from being shitty towards you, and the more this thread continues, the more it’s coming out that he was horrible all along. I’m sorry love. This is who he is. I think you can do better than this selfish lazy man.

Aww OP i feel so sorry for you, for being 25 you seem to really have your head screwed on and your life in order and you really don't sound like you deserve to be treated like this.
I think your husbands issues are really not to do with you at all so try not to blame yourself.
As much as his behaviour is by no means acceptable and i'm not sticking up for him but it sounds like there is definitely some kind of mental issue going on, maybe depression brought on from the miscarriage? Although if he's seeing a therapist surely they would of picked up on this. I only say this because my DH was a bit the same, he was becoming more and more lazy, lying in front of the tv all evening, not helping with any household chores and would start an argument or fly off the handle if i had a go at him or nagged him about anything and was constantly putting me down or putting the blame on me for things. I eventually cracked and said i'd had enough and wasn't putting up with his shit anymore and he broke down and told me he thought there was something wrong but he'd been too scared to say anything, went to the Dr and was diagnosed with depression, he saw a councillor for a bit and is now on medication and is like his old self again.
Or maybe he is having issues with actually having sex, if he is really feeling the pressure and wants a baby as much as he says he does perhaps its getting too much and causing performance issues in the bedroom department? If this is the case he will obviously be feeling pretty crap about himself and maybe trying to pass the blame onto you to make himself feel better

I would try and reinstall messenger and Facebook the ipad may remember the password and auto fill for you so you can have a look as thats not normal!

I would recommend you buy a copy of 'Why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft. And do the Freedom Program too.

When people show you who they are, listen. People don't change. Or very very rarely. It's great he's having counselling but I would bet a sizeable amount of money that a few years down the line he will slip back into bad habits and be worse than ever. Particularly if you have children with him.

There are so many women on here who will tell you from very bitter experience to run a mile from someone controlling rather than have a baby with them and getting stuck with them. This is a really good chance for you to save your own future in all honesty. I get you must yearn for a baby but give that future baby of yours a great father and a happy childhood. Not a childhood of walking on eggshells or arguing or a tantrumming father. I really feel for you right now but you are the only person who can get yourself into a better situation. Lots and lots of people marry the wrong person or get too involved with them. There's zero shame in saying 'this isn't the right thing for me now.' Far far better to do it when there are no dependants involved.

I've read up to page 3. Honestly, get him gone. Use your time to find a guy who knows how to pull his weight in the house (poor baby gets home at 6 and is so tired, aren't we all but we still put dishwasher/washing machines on, tidy up etc), knows or is keen to learn how a women's fertility cycle actually works and doesn't treat you like shit.

My man knew nothing about periods and fertility when we met beyond what he had learned from friends but he went looking for info so he could understand and be an active part of the ttc process beyond the "active" part.

Don't don't don't have a baby with this man. You have serious issues in your relationship. Why doesn't he do any housework when you both work full time? You aren't his servant.

He doesn't even sound like he likes you let alone loves you.

Do you have options to leave? Even for a trial separation?

Reading back through, this thread doesn't portray him in a positive light. My DM was very concerned how he acted on the weekend when she came to visit.... I thought nothing of it.

He is a generous, usually kind person and always thanks me for looking after him. I do it because I love him.

I'm just sick of not feeling good enough, feeling rejected or unwanted. Surely when you're in love with someone, wanting to sleep with them is a normal thing???

I've always wanted a family but the taste of what could have been after the mc is too much. Everyone keeps saying to me "gosh if you fell go on the pill you'll fall pg really easily" - not helpful when I'm set up, ready to go....!

Thank you all for the kind words... I think I'm going to have to have a good conversation with him this evening. I don't even want to look at him at the minute.

Please don’t have a baby with this man.

Treat it as a lesson - learn and move on and don’t go near a controlling dick ever again.

If he doesn't get FW he needs more education about fertility. And why would a few times on HM suddenly get you pregnant? There was a famous fertility guy not long back (names gone, sorry, mind fog) who said regular, frequent sex at least 3times a week fertile week or not, was best way to get pregnant. He said he'd seen so many couples who thought sex once a week = automatic pregnancy. I think he's blaming you which is grossly unfair & immature.

He is a generous, usually kind person and always thanks me for looking after him. I do it because I love him.

Just bear in mind that abusers can be really lovely, gentle, caring men. My ex was. It made it very hard to leave. We loved eachother, he was desperately sorry for treating me badly. He tried so hard to change.

It didn't stop his abuse escalating. It didn't stop him effectively trying to completely break me so I wouldn't leave him. I'm not saying your dp is that bad but just bear in mind that if abusers were all bad, you wouldn't fall in love with them or stay when they were treating you badly.

@gendercritter

When people show you who they are, listen. People don't change. Or very very rarely.

Hmm, I don't entirely agree with that. It really depends on whether they WANT to change or not. I was the one who needed to change my behaviour (DH gave me an ultimatum a few years ago ) and I did change because I valued our relationship. I'm honestly a v. different person now...not quite angelic, but getting close. .

@AmICrazyorWhat2 @gendercritter

I do believe people can change but only if they really, really want to. He is an inherently lazy personality and finds it v hard to motivate himself to do something he doesn't want to do. So it's whether he'd be motivated enough to change long term and whether he even loves me enough to try....

@lewislola

If that does turn out to be the case and he can't be bothered to change, you have your answer. LTB and find someone worthy of your love.

People like this don't change. Please don't have a baby with this bloke.

I had a very controlling boyfriend when I was younger, it changes your perception of normality and what's acceptable. I stuck it until I got so fed up I couldn't have given a shit as to whether he was alive or dead, you don't want to waste as much time.

A good relationship should make you feel secure and able to express yourself. You're in anything but.

My DM was very concerned how he acted on the weekend when she came to visit.

What were her concerns?

I hate to add this to the mix, but having read the thread, I think he's found someone else. He doesn't want to have babies with you anymore.

He is a generous, usually kind person and always thanks me for looking after him. I do it because I love him.

Why does this man in his late 30s need looking after?

OP you are young and you will find someone who

a) doesn't need looking after
b) will give you children

Leave him.

Now getting msgs along the lines of "so, so angry and hurt, you don't know how much I want a child, how dare you say that I don't want one, I can't tolerate your behaviour"

Seriously ffs what have I done wrong here. I didn't reply to his last message.
Am close to having a complete breakdown 😢😢😢