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Original poster

So upset with DH, really don't know what to do

201 replies

lewislola · 17/08/2018 12:20

DH and I had a really good sex life - I fell pregnant on the pill last year, resulted in a mc at 18 weeks. For various reasons, sex life since our mc last April has been rubbish - we've literally had sex 6 times.

We got married in June just gone... 3 out of those 6 times were on our honeymoon.

DH was so upset when he found out we didn't conceive on our honeymoon, despite me telling him it was impossible as not during FW. He keeps telling me how he "can't believe" I've not conceived in the past year - keep explaining that you need to have sex to have a baby Confused he said ok, let's try harder from now.

Start of this cycle I bought digital OPKs, told him in advance when I thought I may be ovulating. OPK confirmed ovulation yesterday, told him, all positive reactions then last night got into bed... and he switched on sky sports news. Tried to cuddle in, kiss him etc... told me I was being a "pest" and to "leave him alone."

He loves kids, constantly talks about how much he wants a family. His best friends gf has recently had a baby, he has nieces and nephews who he adores, we bought our house specifically with the intent on raising a family there. I started my own business and am earning more through it than my FT job (which I hate) however DH and I discussed that it would be best to stay there until I fall pregnant for the mat pay. We are financially secure, he has a very good job - there is absolutely no reason that I can see or he has voiced that would make him back off.

I lead awake until half 3 last night wondering what's wrong with me, why he won't sleep with me. I'm mid 20s, a size 6, would like to think fairly attractive... he is late 30s.

Decided to talk to him about it this morning - was as diplomatic as possible but really upset. He completely flew off the handle with me, telling me I don't understand how hard he works, to "take the pressure off and we might have a baby", how I'm so demanding, nothing makes me happy.

I'm so upset - I don't know who to talk to in RL, he makes all the right noises about wanting a baby. I'm stretching myself working a job I hate plus my own business (plus all the housework and looking after the animals). He leaves the house at 7.30, gets home at 6. Spends the rest of the time in his boxers watching tv. I genuinely don't know what to do or how to resolve this 😢😢

OP posts:
Ohyippedydooda · 18/08/2018 06:39

My DF has emotionally manipulated and controlled my DM their whole marriage and she wishes she had got out years ago when she was young- and by that she means in her 40s! Now late 60s and is leaving. Please don't wait so long, it's a heartbreaking waste of a life.

I hope you slept well and feel clear headed this morning. Your DM will welcome you with open arms and the genuine love will overwhelm you x

KERALA1 · 18/08/2018 07:37

You sound so lovely op and him so horrid. He is not kind to you the one basic essential of a marriage.

I had a volatile abusive long term relationship before I met dh being with dh after him was heaven. So easy! No arguments! No games, kind and supportive to each other. We have way more sex than you and we have 2 kids married for 14 years! It really shouldn't be this difficult. You are so young throw him back in sea, starter marriage, find a better one.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 18/08/2018 09:10

Morning OP. Hope you managed to get some sleep. Keep in touch - there is a lot of support for you here. You don't need to share every detail if you don't want to, but if you need a hand to hold or a place to vent then MN is a fantastic place for it.

SalemBlackCat · 18/08/2018 09:24

What on earth is FW and HM? I have looked at the Mumsnet Acronym list, they are not on there, google doesn't help either.

TeacupTattoo · 18/08/2018 09:25

FW is fertile window for ttc.

TeacupTattoo · 18/08/2018 09:31

OP, I married a man 13 years older than me when I was in my early twenties who talked the talk about family and children, but he was actually a very unpleasant man hidden beneath his professional-man exterior. I ended up leaving with a two year old and being single for many years. A marriage needs to be built of kindness, respect and decency to the other person because you truly care about them. Twenty years later I have such a marriage with a lovely, lovely man and our family is gentle.
Do NOT get trodden down so much you think he is all you are worth!! He is deeply unpleasant, lazy and selfish and those traits are intrinsic to him.
I really, really hope you leave him as you are worth so much more!!!!

SteviaStephanie · 18/08/2018 09:36

Lots of good posts on the important stuff, hopefully they will help you a bit, OP.

I just wanted to add on a small practical note: if you were planning to stay at your job to get the mat pay, you should check your contract - often you have to repay it if you leave within 6 or 12 months of your mat leave ending. This could mean negotiating with them or working there for another 6 or 12 months after your mat leave finishes. I just thought i’d mention it in case it hadn’t occurred to you.

You sound lovely, I hope things get easier for you Flowers

Godowneasy · 18/08/2018 11:49

As another poster mentioned earlier, I think he's reading these posts, and he deleted his browsing history because of it.

It would fit in with his controlling and jealous behaviour.

KeiTeNgeNge · 18/08/2018 12:06

Congrats on leaving him!

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 18/08/2018 13:29

Love and Flowers OP. Hope you are safely at your dm’s getting spoiled. x

BlueSuffragette · 18/08/2018 14:54

Hope you are ok at DM. Let today be the first of the rest of your life away from him. You have many years ahead of you, make them happy ones away from a man who tries to control you. In time you will create a new happy life. Stay strong. Best of luck.

BrynhildurWhitemane · 18/08/2018 15:59

OP, if he's the jealous sort, check your devices for things like keyloggers.

gendercritter · 18/08/2018 17:34

Hope you're doing ok today

cobblett36 · 18/08/2018 20:48

OP, I hope you're doing okay. I don't have much advice to give apart from I agree with all the other advice you've been given.

We are the same age and our marriages could not be more opposite, this is supposed to be your honeymoon period and you're thoroughly unhappy. Please don't blame yourself, from the sounds of it you're pretty amazing, you've got EVERYTHING going for you. And I hate to say it but i feel your DH wants a trophy, someone perfect to show off, and look after him. Occasionally he'll polish you up to make it all seem okay. Men like that make beautiful women feel like this, sometimes due to jealousy. Sometimes due to the fact that they are sheer twats.

Speak to your mum, sending hugs. You really are in so many people's thoughts. X

bertielab · 18/08/2018 21:24

Take both dogs. They will be better together. And in all honesty he might use it to get to you. I hope you are at your DM's now with your animals and have told her everything.

derxa · 18/08/2018 21:58

OP In a loving marriage there is no drama like this. You sound like enemies fighting a war. You're completely incompatible. There's something going on on with him that we don't know. However you do sound a bit controlling yourself. I would file for divorce.

Pigglesworth · 19/08/2018 02:53

I'd pay attention to his (long-term pattern of) behaviour, not his words. He is emotionally abusing and gaslighting you. Interesting that he is significantly older than you and you're in your mid-20s. I'm in a happy relationship in which my partner is 11 years older than me so an age difference can be fine/meaningless, but it can also be a red flag for an abusive person trying to control someone younger/less sure of themselves/insecure/more naive (given your parents' unhappy relationshop model). I would definitely leave, you have been assuming the best of him but his relationship history of highly controlling behaviour is a huge red flag and I think this pregnancy issue is his new way to gaslight and control you - rather than him being "hugely better" since counselling.

MadameOvary · 19/08/2018 15:25

OP, please keep posting. SO MANY of us have been in similar situations. I fell for a man 12 yrs older than me when I was in a very vulnerable situation and knew fuck-all about abuse. It turned my life into utter hell. If I knew then what I know now I would have booted him out of my life at the first red flag.

pickledparsnip · 19/08/2018 16:38

Hope you're OK OP? I was in a relationship with a man 13 years older than me when I was in my early 20s. I too miscarried. He was very very manipulative, but the only person who saw straight through him from the beginning was my Mum. He hated her. Please get away from this man.

diddl · 20/08/2018 08:11

He said that you could only take one dog-well that's not fair on the dogs!

That is the same two dogs that he couldn't bother to feed when you weren't there?

AngelsAckiz · 20/08/2018 09:07

How are you today OP? I've read the whole thread, I'm so sorry for your situation. It seems like you will very quickly feel so much better once you put some literal and emotional distance from him.

pickledparsnip · 20/08/2018 13:02

I really hope everything is OK.

PhoebefromFriends · 22/08/2018 06:36

Any updates OP? Really hope you're OK.

Doingreat · 22/08/2018 07:41

How are you feeling op?

rainbowstardrops · 22/08/2018 08:44

Oh @lewislola I do hope you're ok and that you went to your mum's at the weekend.
How are you feeling now? Thanks

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