So upset with DH, really don't know what to do

[lewislola]

DH and I had a really good sex life - I fell pregnant on the pill last year, resulted in a mc at 18 weeks. For various reasons, sex life since our mc last April has been rubbish - we've literally had sex 6 times.

We got married in June just gone... 3 out of those 6 times were on our honeymoon.

DH was so upset when he found out we didn't conceive on our honeymoon, despite me telling him it was impossible as not during FW. He keeps telling me how he "can't believe" I've not conceived in the past year - keep explaining that you need to have sex to have a baby he said ok, let's try harder from now.

Start of this cycle I bought digital OPKs, told him in advance when I thought I may be ovulating. OPK confirmed ovulation yesterday, told him, all positive reactions then last night got into bed... and he switched on sky sports news. Tried to cuddle in, kiss him etc... told me I was being a "pest" and to "leave him alone."

He loves kids, constantly talks about how much he wants a family. His best friends gf has recently had a baby, he has nieces and nephews who he adores, we bought our house specifically with the intent on raising a family there. I started my own business and am earning more through it than my FT job (which I hate) however DH and I discussed that it would be best to stay there until I fall pregnant for the mat pay. We are financially secure, he has a very good job - there is absolutely no reason that I can see or he has voiced that would make him back off.

I lead awake until half 3 last night wondering what's wrong with me, why he won't sleep with me. I'm mid 20s, a size 6, would like to think fairly attractive... he is late 30s.

Decided to talk to him about it this morning - was as diplomatic as possible but really upset. He completely flew off the handle with me, telling me I don't understand how hard he works, to "take the pressure off and we might have a baby", how I'm so demanding, nothing makes me happy.

I'm so upset - I don't know who to talk to in RL, he makes all the right noises about wanting a baby. I'm stretching myself working a job I hate plus my own business (plus all the housework and looking after the animals). He leaves the house at 7.30, gets home at 6. Spends the rest of the time in his boxers watching tv. I genuinely don't know what to do or how to resolve this 😢😢

I read a book about workplace psychopaths years ago and the one thing that has stayed with me is that training makes them better at being psychopathic. It helps them understand how to mask it better.

Be one of the ladies on a thread who says I see this now and not one who comes back in a few years totally trapped.

He's trying to make you the problem.

That way, he can justify his actions in his head - Be they an emotional affair or a physical one. Because you "drove him to it".

^ This is good advice too.

Oh OP. I've been reading this thread with increasing anxiety. You need to leave this man if you want to be happy. Nothing will be his fault unless there's something to be gained for him. He will unload the blame on you, he will shift the dialogue until you're tied up in knots trying to get him back on point. But he won't- because he doesn't want to. He wants his own way and he will try and shut you down anyway he can. There is no compromise with someone like this. Sorry but it's better to know now than 10 years on.

Is there any way you can go stay with your mum (or a friend) for a few days? I really think you need to get away so you can evaluate your feelings, your marriage, and what you truly want for your future.

I know with horses it's probably not feasible, but if there's any way you can get away, I think it would be wise. You may think you and he are going to 'talk', but it's going to be you explaining how you feel and him telling you why you're wrong. It's going to end up with him as the victim/martyr and you as the 'abuser' who needs to change. That's NOT a helpful conversation for a marriage in trouble.

He is a generous, usually kind person and always thanks me for looking after him. I do it because I love him

Sure he does! That's your 'payment' for doing everything. Gee, 'thank you'. How generous is that? A better payment would be kindness in return and looking after you! Without an ulterior motive!

I'm very sorry for your loss.

But I wouldn't want a baby with anyone who knew that I also worked full time and was still left to deal with all the housework and animals while he sat in front of the telly/games. Fuck that!

Imagine adding a baby into the mix ... all that will be your job as well ... no thank you!

I've just gone onto his iPad and he's deleted all his browsing history.... he's also deleted Facebook and messenger, which he had on there last night....
Oh dear.
This is not looking OP.

Please don't have a total breakdown
Have a total BreakUP!
He sounds like an abusive pig TBF.

Do you want this lazy twat as the father of your DC??
He won't get any better when a baby comes along.
In fact, abuser ramp it up massively when this happens.

Really think about this.

He’s horribly manipulative OP please see this for what it is.

He’s fucking with your mind.

If you don’t want to end up a single mum then please get wise quickly.

I’m wondering if he’s somehow seeing your MN posts, hence deleting his browsing history and his last text to.

I’d change your passwords to all your online stuff including MN pdq.

Your Mum sounds like she's got the measure of him. But because she loves you, she doesn't want to launch into a rant about what a tosser she thinks he is. I bet you'd be in for a shock if you asked her for her honest and no-holds-barred opinion of him.

He's being a monumental dick. And your self-esteem must be in the toilet if you think that a "thank you" is all he needs to proffer for you running around after him like a child.

Raise your standards. Get angry. You look after him because you love him and value him. What does it say about his feelings about you that he can't be bothered to even feed the dogs when you are busy?

Case in point. DH and I have both been working today (I work from home so technically do slightly shorter hours because my 'commute' is about 30 seconds!). The kitchen is a shit tip because I've had a manic day. DH immediately came in to my office when he got home, kissed me to say hi, offered me a cup of tea and went and cracked on with tidying up the kitchen. He's not perfect - not by a long shot! But he knows that him saying he loves me is not enough. He needs to show me that he does with how he behaves every day.

Dry your tears, pack a bag and ring your Mum. Take the dogs and stay with her for the weekend. Ignore his messages. You sound like a bright and lovely young woman. Don't throw yourself away on someone who doesn't value you.

You really can do so much better than him. He's still controlling you - can you not see it?

Him ‘forgetting’ to feed the dogs is odd. He knows they need to eat, right?

Every so often a thread comes along where I wish that it was possible to press a button and transfer all of the wisdom and strength that comes with experience and being a bit older.

OP please don't be put off by the strength of feelings here. MN is a fantastic place for support in situations like this. Keep posting - people can and want to help you, even if it's just to listen.

Only wish someone could transfer all their wisdom to me 🙏🏼

So he came home from work and I told him that I was going to stay with Dm for the weekend. He was screaming at me telling me that he wanted a baby more than me as he's almost 40, I was psycho, I was controlling, that I've "shafted" him. I tried to stay really calm but it was really upsetting.

I've come to the beach with the dog that I had before we were together - he said that I couldn't take the one we bought together and wasn't going to argue.

I can't get anyone to help with the horses tomorrow morning so I'm going to stay in my horse lorry tonight and go back to my mums tomorrow. I'm at the beach now ready through all your meessages.

Thank you all so much, it's so nice to have a hand or two to hold, I feel so vulnerable and want to kick myself for allowing myself to be hurt in the first place.

just little things

I think the little things are everything

I once broke up with an ex and my parents were so relieved. They'd kept quiet and been polite about him and he did have lots of good attributes. But there were so many little ways he didn't take care of me. There was a chair that had broken that I loved sitting on because it helped my back pain. It was a 10 minute job to fix (but difficult for me to do as I had painful hands). My parents visited over the months and only told me afterwards that they were keeping note he hadn't fixed it for me.

My brother in law visited once and immediately jumped in and fixed it for me without asking.

The little things matter. And they become great big things if you have the misfortune to become seriously unwell, for example.

I feel so vulnerable and want to kick myself for allowing myself to be hurt in the first place.

I felt like that and I still do with regards my abusive ex. It's not your fault, clearly you have vulnerabilities. These men spot them and exploit them. You take care of yourself for these next few days. And keep talking here if it helps.

He was screaming at me telling me that he wanted a baby more than me as he's almost 40, I was psycho, I was controlling, that I've "shafted" him. I tried to stay really calm but it was really upsetting.

I’m sorry you’re upset, he’s showing his true colours.

You’re psycho? Hmm. This is all about his midlife crisis. He seems to see you as a means to an end - a babymama come housekeeper.

I’m sure your mum will look after you. You might ask her what she truthfully thinks him.

@gendercritter I'm glad you're out of that situation. That's the thing - id like to think in that situation he would do whatever he could but reality is, in the 4 years we've been together, I've been lucky enough not to be unwell or anything awful happen - the most traumatic event was the miscarriage but I spend most of that at my DMs so she could look after me.
I'm so upset that he turned everything round - I'm the psycho one, I'm the controlling one, telling me I didn't mean my vows.... I did, but I can't live like this anymore. I'm happier with my dogs and horses alone.

@TatianaLarina I've been called lots of things but never psycho! I'd like to think that I'm quite a rational and level person!!

I'm so upset that he turned everything round - I'm the psycho one, I'm the controlling one, telling me I didn't mean my vows.

I know this is hard, but try not to take these comments to heart because none of this has anything to do with reality. None of it is true.

Well done for getting out xxx

It's so hard to stay calm. The thing is, if you say 'you won't have sex with me so how am I supposed to get pregnant?' the comeback will of course be 'well I don't feel like it because you're on at me all the time'.

You can't win in this situation by fighting him, you can win by walking away. I wonder if he has an OW but isn't in a place to make a go of things with her (or if it's just ended) and so you possibly getting to the point where you leave HIM doesn't fit his narrative of how it's supposed to go...

Whatever his cunt-motivation, you're still better off without him. What a tosser.

Thank you @RubiksQueen

There was a girl he works with - I say girl as she is 22, constantly posts pics of herself in thongs on Instagram - that I was a little suspicious of a while back but I'm not sure he would be brazen or bold enough to be unfaithful, in honesty, especially at work.

OK, I'm back-tracking on my talk of "second chances" for him to change.

This behaviour is completely unacceptable, he sounds unhinged. I'd pack a bag and go to your Mum's right now. He doesn't deserve you or a child.

I'm so upset that he turned everything round

DARVO - it is classic abuser behaviour.

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

Silence is your best weapon now. No matter what he says or does, don't respond and don't engage. And fuck leaving the jointly owned dog there - he can't even be bothered to take care of it. Wait until he's out and take the dog.

And do me a favour. Tell your Mum everything - even the sex stuff. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You need to be honest and you need her support.