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AIBU?

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Original poster

So upset with DH, really don't know what to do

201 replies

lewislola · 17/08/2018 12:20

DH and I had a really good sex life - I fell pregnant on the pill last year, resulted in a mc at 18 weeks. For various reasons, sex life since our mc last April has been rubbish - we've literally had sex 6 times.

We got married in June just gone... 3 out of those 6 times were on our honeymoon.

DH was so upset when he found out we didn't conceive on our honeymoon, despite me telling him it was impossible as not during FW. He keeps telling me how he "can't believe" I've not conceived in the past year - keep explaining that you need to have sex to have a baby Confused he said ok, let's try harder from now.

Start of this cycle I bought digital OPKs, told him in advance when I thought I may be ovulating. OPK confirmed ovulation yesterday, told him, all positive reactions then last night got into bed... and he switched on sky sports news. Tried to cuddle in, kiss him etc... told me I was being a "pest" and to "leave him alone."

He loves kids, constantly talks about how much he wants a family. His best friends gf has recently had a baby, he has nieces and nephews who he adores, we bought our house specifically with the intent on raising a family there. I started my own business and am earning more through it than my FT job (which I hate) however DH and I discussed that it would be best to stay there until I fall pregnant for the mat pay. We are financially secure, he has a very good job - there is absolutely no reason that I can see or he has voiced that would make him back off.

I lead awake until half 3 last night wondering what's wrong with me, why he won't sleep with me. I'm mid 20s, a size 6, would like to think fairly attractive... he is late 30s.

Decided to talk to him about it this morning - was as diplomatic as possible but really upset. He completely flew off the handle with me, telling me I don't understand how hard he works, to "take the pressure off and we might have a baby", how I'm so demanding, nothing makes me happy.

I'm so upset - I don't know who to talk to in RL, he makes all the right noises about wanting a baby. I'm stretching myself working a job I hate plus my own business (plus all the housework and looking after the animals). He leaves the house at 7.30, gets home at 6. Spends the rest of the time in his boxers watching tv. I genuinely don't know what to do or how to resolve this 😢😢

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 17/08/2018 19:50

Have a long talk with your mum and listen to her.

I think she's got the measure of him.

If you must contact him, just ask one question: 'How do I get pregnant if you won't have sex?'

But seriously, don't even consider having a baby with him. He's awful.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 17/08/2018 19:52

I was in a controlling relationship with someone 13yrs older too OP. Funny- that number seems to definitely be unlucky for us! You’re still so young that there’s a better life out there for you.

AyUpMiDuck · 17/08/2018 19:56

Does he control the household finances OP?
Do you know what he earns and where his money goes?

I'd get a slush fund started ( give it to your DM) and make sure my income is totally ring-fenced ready for the day I move out. #ExitStrategy

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 17/08/2018 20:07

he said that I couldn't take the one we bought together

Now imagine trying to leave him with your baby.

cheesydoesit · 17/08/2018 20:11

I'm sorry about you miscarriage OP. It's a really horrible and lonely time. Your mum sounds lovely and like PP said, I'm sure your family will be so relieved if you were to tell them you had left your husband. It speaks volumes that your mum was the one who looked after you during your mc rather than your husband who could have used it as an opportunity to behave like a loving and supportive partner and reciprocate looking after you in the ways you do for him. All the best CakeFlowers

cheesydoesit · 17/08/2018 20:12

And I completely agree with ifiwasabird's comments. Cut your losses.

PhoebefromFriends · 17/08/2018 20:16

OP are you actually going to be safe tonight in the horse van? I really think you should go somewhere more secure than that. He's absolutely vile and you have to stay strong.

TallTilly · 17/08/2018 20:24

Oh please don’t sleep in your horse lorry. Please find somewhere safer. Is your Mum far away?

TallTilly · 17/08/2018 20:25

If I was your Mum I’d be frantic at the thought of you sleeping in your horse lorry

Weepingangels · 17/08/2018 20:53

Can you go to a b&b instead? He sounds awful. Your good words on him do not ring true with his actions. If you look at him, really look would you notice you are trying to defend him? Trying to make him sound better to convince yourself you should keep trying?

You do need to get away. I hope you find what you need.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/08/2018 21:13

By horse van, I'm assuming OP has one with a built in sleeping area, not that she's sleeping on a bale of straw in the box area.

Not the best, but secure and private.

Coyoacan · 17/08/2018 21:19

I can just see you getting up after giving birth to a child to go look after the horses and dogs, OP.

If you are so frightened of being a single parent, don't have a child with this man. It is actually much easier to be a single parent than to have to look after a manchild at the same time.

Original poster
lewislola · 17/08/2018 21:34

Thank you for all the concern - my lorry is lovely, it's very secure and has a big double bed, tv etc... not a bale of straw!!!

Going to try and get my head down and sleep, I'm feeling exhausted... I am so devastated

OP posts:
TallTilly · 17/08/2018 21:40

It’s a lucky escape x

WineAndTiramisu · 17/08/2018 21:42

I'd go back very early in the morning, take the other dog and never go back. He's an abusive arse and will only get worse, how dare he blame you for not getting pregnant when it's all on him refusing to have sex. He's controlling and abusive, get out now.

Ask your mum what she really thinks of him. You have plenty of time to meet someone else and have a family, don't waste any more time on this wankbadger

Inertia · 17/08/2018 21:46

I’m sorry for your loss- a miscarriage at any stage is awful, but at that stage it can be a horribly traumatic experience, and I hope the counselling you’ve had has helped you to process it.

I think you’re wise to stay on the pill while you consider your future. Your husband’s behaviour towards you doesn’t appear to be a grief response- it looks like he is deliberately trying to mess with your head, in that he screams at you for not providing him with a baby yet refuses the intimacy needed for that to happen. It’s a classic abuser tactic- there’s no way you can do right by him, it’s impossible. Having a child with this man is likely to set you up for years of heartache.

It sounds like your mum may well have the measure of him- I would confide in her.

TatianaLarina · 17/08/2018 22:21

I hope you’re getting a good night’s sleep.

One thing to bear in mind is that if he gets wind that you’re seriously thinking of ending it, he will go on full on lovebombing you. Controlling men never like to lose their control object even if they don’t value them. Everything will change he will say, he will be different. And then he will go back to being how he really is.

My guess is he picked you because it’s easier to control younger women, it’s very common.

Sarahandduck18 · 17/08/2018 22:23

Please don’t have a baby with this man child!

BrynhildurWhitemane · 17/08/2018 23:12

OP, I'm hoping you've managed to get to sleep by now, but when you come back, there will be lots of support here for you.

I really wish I had got out when I was your age. My subsequent DCs are the only things I don't regret about my relationship, but they were affected and are only recovering because I did get out. Finally, at the age of 50.

I so wish I knew then what I know now.

OP, I am sure your mum will have lenty to say, please listen to her. Don't fall for anything this wazzock will undoubtedly promise to do to get you back, he simply won't change. I've got the same problem, he promises much in carefully crafted emails, but I don't respond because actions speak louder than words.

DeadDoorpost · 17/08/2018 23:35

No advice but hoping you tell your DM everything and get sorted. Better to be out of a bad relationship than in a loveless one. Flowers

HPandBaconSandwiches · 17/08/2018 23:56

Oh OP, he’s doing a real number on you.

Please tell your Mum everything. Don’t forget she’s been through recognising a poor partner and getting a divorce. She will help you and has only your best interests at heart.

Collect information - bank details, copies of statements, etc because this is heading towards the courts.

You cannot change him. You do not deserve this.

And trust me, if a man is selfish and lazy before having kids, you will end up at the depths of despair after. Having kids is bloody hard - it NEVER brings you closer together unless both parents contribute equally. It will tear you apart but tie you to him forever.

I know you want a baby. And I’m so so sorry about your MC. But please, if you want to give him another chance, put it off for a couple of years and work out if he’s actually going to be a good and equal partner.

Talk to your Mum.

NotTheWayISeeIt · 18/08/2018 00:52

.

SilverBirchTree · 18/08/2018 01:03

He sounds immature lazy and selfish. You're working 2 jobs and yet do all the housework? You're also somehow meant to conceive a child on your own?!?

LTB.

CanuckBC · 18/08/2018 05:48

I agree with the others. He is being very controlling. I would be very suspicious of him deleting everything. An innocent person doesn’t delete all social media due to doing nothing. Do you know his password? Or someone that was on it? Were you a friend on his Facebook and Insta?

Weepingangels · 18/08/2018 06:26

Please talk to your mum and be completely honest. I suspect she has had the measure of this man for a long time. Good luck Flowers

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