So upset with DH, really don't know what to do

[lewislola]

DH and I had a really good sex life - I fell pregnant on the pill last year, resulted in a mc at 18 weeks. For various reasons, sex life since our mc last April has been rubbish - we've literally had sex 6 times.

We got married in June just gone... 3 out of those 6 times were on our honeymoon.

DH was so upset when he found out we didn't conceive on our honeymoon, despite me telling him it was impossible as not during FW. He keeps telling me how he "can't believe" I've not conceived in the past year - keep explaining that you need to have sex to have a baby he said ok, let's try harder from now.

Start of this cycle I bought digital OPKs, told him in advance when I thought I may be ovulating. OPK confirmed ovulation yesterday, told him, all positive reactions then last night got into bed... and he switched on sky sports news. Tried to cuddle in, kiss him etc... told me I was being a "pest" and to "leave him alone."

He loves kids, constantly talks about how much he wants a family. His best friends gf has recently had a baby, he has nieces and nephews who he adores, we bought our house specifically with the intent on raising a family there. I started my own business and am earning more through it than my FT job (which I hate) however DH and I discussed that it would be best to stay there until I fall pregnant for the mat pay. We are financially secure, he has a very good job - there is absolutely no reason that I can see or he has voiced that would make him back off.

I lead awake until half 3 last night wondering what's wrong with me, why he won't sleep with me. I'm mid 20s, a size 6, would like to think fairly attractive... he is late 30s.

Decided to talk to him about it this morning - was as diplomatic as possible but really upset. He completely flew off the handle with me, telling me I don't understand how hard he works, to "take the pressure off and we might have a baby", how I'm so demanding, nothing makes me happy.

I'm so upset - I don't know who to talk to in RL, he makes all the right noises about wanting a baby. I'm stretching myself working a job I hate plus my own business (plus all the housework and looking after the animals). He leaves the house at 7.30, gets home at 6. Spends the rest of the time in his boxers watching tv. I genuinely don't know what to do or how to resolve this 😢😢

Hmm, I don't entirely agree with that. It really depends on whether they WANT to change or not

Yes but then respectfully you are in the minority.

When I was trying to get up the courage to leave my ex I asked a therapist about this. She was 70 and had been a therapist for 40 years. She had worked with some abusers and many abuse victims. She said to me it is exceptionally rare for people to make significant, lasting changes.

Sure, if someone accepts they have a problem and they want to change it is possible. But I think people are creatures of habit. As soon as life knocks you a bit or you're exhausted chances are your old habits reappear. There will always be exceptions. I know someone myself who had a massive shock and he ditched being a bully and has been decent for 30 years. That isn't the norm.

So he calls you a pest when you try to TTC in your fertile window and then blames you for not allowing him to have a baby??

It's frankly cruel to tell you he hopes you'll be pregnant soon while rejecting you.

I think he's using your sadness about your mc and longing for a baby to keep you in a relationship on terms that only benefit him, not you.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you just have to work harder at your relationship or at pleasing him and it will all be OK - relationships are not meant to be actively hard work. Relationships are meant to uplift you, not drag you down.

Why was your DM concerned?

He's reestablishing his control, you've questioned him. Hence the messages. You'll end up telling him to fuck off out of your life one day, tell him a bit sooner and don't waste your life. You're so young, you'll find someone and it'll all be better.

He's a total dickhead. I think you need to hash it out, even if it's a horrible conversation - you can't have a baby without having sex more than a few times a year.

I'm sorry about the loss of your baby

I'm afraid it sounds like your dh is playing around messing with your head.

He's emotionally abusing and gas lighting you.

Please get yourself away for the weekend at least and spend time with people who love and care about you.

The deletion of his web history and messenger apps is enough alone to tell you he is not to be trusted by a long mile.

He sounds like some kind of sicko.

If your DM has concerns about his behaviour ( I wonder why ) then tell her some of the things you have told us on this thread so that you have some support in real life.
You obviously know deep down that you do not have a normal, loving relationship with this man or you would not have posted here.
You are young, go off and find happiness.

Don't message him. TALK to him. Have a frank conversation about it.

Don't ignore this, it won't go away.

You are young. You have your life ahead of you.

I'm so sorry to hear about the late miscarriage.

He is pushing the blame back on you. Controlling behaviour.

You know I would confront him and ask him what is actually going on, that he is behaving very strangely and is clearly hiding something. And then I’d watch him like a fucking hawk to see how he reacts and what he does next.

He is gaslighting and manipulating you.

Given previous information, I would start looking for other evidence of another woman.
Try to re-install messenger on the iPad.
At the same time, take whatever steps you can to protect yourself, your belongings, material, sentimental or valuable possessions, and prepare for the worst.
He's just working his story out to tell his family/friends.
Take the initiative here, because he's about to dump and run - and put all the blame on YOU.

I imagine it feels like a massive, impossible step to leave and start again, but honestly it really shouldn't be so hard at this stage of your relationship. It should be so so easy! The honeymoon period is called this for a reason! The real test is when you have a baby, and from what you say this will become a living nightmare of a situation. If you leave now you never have to see him again, have a child and you are tied for life.
Please confide in your DM, sibling or friend you really trust. Someone that knows him too. Show them this thread. If they agree then LISTEN. Don't become another desperate mum and wife seen so often on here

@IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan

A little outing but DM came to watch/help as I was taking my horses to a competition. I was taking 2 plus a friends so lots to organise (by myself I'd like to add). On the morning of the show I realised I'd lent out a useful but non essential item to a friend who I assumed had put it back. He launched into how disorganised I am (I'm not at all). DM very cheerily told him that if I didn't have so much on my plate maybe I may have remembered to check!

She commented on a few other things ie not helping with clearing up after dinner, we were late back from the show and he didn't even think to feed the dogs... just little things.

OP, I was in a controlling relationship when I was younger. It wasn't related to children, but we had a joint plan we were working towards - except it was really just me working, he would repeatedly sabotage my efforts, whilst blaming me and wondering in a hurt way why I couldn't be better at achieving this thing he really wanted for both of us. So your story sounds familiar. I also used to do everything for him, in the beginning I felt caring and appreciated, by the end I did more and more desperate to avoid his increasing criticism and verbal abuse.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss with the miscarriage, it's so hard. And I'm sorry to hear what you're going through now. I just wanted to share my experience because when I was in the middle of it I really couldn't see what was happening, it was only afterwards getting support I realised how common the pattern of behaviour was. If it's any help, it was hard, but I left and moved on. I wish you all the best in this really difficult time.

Ummm, I'm not sure I would WANT to have a baby in the CURRENT situation.

Once you have a baby,maybe by a one off sexual interaction or the virgin birth - how is anything going to get better?

Doesn't sound like he wants to have sex, it sounds like he wants a baby. When that didn't happen -the charm has gone.

Does this man look after you, cherish you, love you, romance you?

I would actually think a few things running through my head?

1. He's having an affair? As his behaviour is too odd
2. He is hiding something. He is gay - wanting a baby so quickly and without sex
3. He doesn't love YOU
4. He is abusive

Can you leave for a while and go and stay with someone such as parents and go no contact and get some thinking space for a few weeks. This isn't normal behaviour.

Your mum is wise. Listen to her.

I'm old. That doesn't mean I'm wise but trust me when I say "looking after" a grown up gets very tedious indeed after a few years.

Imagine having a baby, or several children, to look after and he still expects you to wait on him hand and foot. Neither would he think to look after his own children. (He doesn't even think to feed the dogs? MASSIVE red flag.

You sound lovely. But you have picked the wrong man. Cut your losses while you are young and relatively free of ties.

Just seen your message. I'd take dogs etc and go to my DM for a few weeks and send him a message saying ............

I've HAD enough. You want a baby and won't have sex. How the hell do you think that's going to happen? Is my name Mary? You blame me. Do you think you have some sort of super sperm so you don't need sex to get pregnant? You say I'm pestering you if I try and cuddle you etc. You knock me down and abuse me. Get off your high horse. I've left and gone to DM. I will be gone for a while. Don't contact me. I can't stand you and the way you are treating me at the moment. I want a baby in a loving marriage. This isn't loving. Your aren't respectful, you aren't nice to me -why would I want you?

Seriously have some time out and think about if you want a baby with HIM. Do you want 50 plus years with him? I'd confide in my DM and get some counselling for me -you can't change him. So what do you want right now? I would want space

My hart sinks when I read statements like "I've probably portrayed him in a bad light, he also does XYZ nice thing." That's exactly how abusive people work, hardly anyone would stay if they were abusive all of the time.

Thing is, there are certain traits that no amount of good stuff can balance out. My DH is untidy and procrastinates about stuff. That can be balanced out by the fact he's kind and loving towards me all of the time. Even laziness can be worked on as long as they're not expecting you to pick up their slack. Controlling, gaslighting, unfounded jealousy - those are red flags which not only decimate your self esteem and sense of worth but can also escalate into actual physical danger to yourself. Think long and hard about whether you want a baby with this man get out

I think I'd want to be a stuck record in your situation - every time he so much as mentioned that he wanted a child or the possibility of you getting pregnant, I'd ask, very calmly, why he doesn't want to do what is required in order to conceive one. If he worked himself up into a temper every time, I'd again calmly ask him why, when it was he who introduced the topic in the first place. Ultimately he'd have to find an answer or, at the very least, shut up about it.

Your mum is wise. Listen to her.

This!!

Also, he didn’t bother feeding your dogs because “he forgot” or he just decided it’s not his job. Those dogs are your baby. That’s exactly how he will be if you have a baby and then have to go and deal with your horses, or go out with friends, or go and see your mum. He’ll “forget” to bath it, or put it to bed, or make it dinner. You may be horrified at the idea of that and think “no way!” But believe me, I’ve seen the threads right here on MN where women have had to work late and come home to hungry children and husband blaming her because “how was he supposed to know what to give them”. Honestly. He let your dogs go hungry because he is either too thick to realise dogs need to eat (is he really very thick?) or it was deliberate because he sees it as your job. Is that someone you would trust to care for a baby?

Whatever else may be going on - he does not want a baby. He's trying to turn this onto you. He isn't going to admit the truth. Your DM can see his behaviour for what it is, you need to listen to her.

Your mum is wise. Listen to her.

I agree with this. He sounds controlling and untrustworthy as well with deleting apps etc.

Please please don’t do joint counselling with him. It’s never recommended when one partner is controlling/abusive.

It sounds like your gut is telling you not to trust him and that his behaviour isn’t right. I think it’s time to trust that.

He is stringing you along, OP. There’s no way he actually wants a baby. He must have been shocked when you got pregnant on the pill - that’s probably why he won’t have sex with you at all now, in case it happens again.
He makes all the right noises and claims he does want a child - this is utter bullshit purely to shut you up and keep you working as his housekeeper and cash machine.
Please listen to all the many, many PPs who are telling you to leave this abuser.

@lewislola

He is abusive. Therapy is not appropriate for abusive people; it just ends up reinforcing their behaviour. In this case it's just coming out in new ways, so he can say "look, aren't I good, I don't do X any more", when he does Y and Z instead. Only a perpetrator's course is suitable. And most people still never change.

Nobody can make you leave him, but I wouldn't want to stay. And I certainly wouldn't have a child with him (even if he actually wanted one, which he clearly doesn't; it's just another thing to criticise you for). Having a child together traps you into being involved with/controlled by him to some extent for 18 years, even if you split up.

Plus abuse tends to get worse during pregnancy, e.g. if they weren't violent before, they may become so.

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft is a good book. And the Freedom Programme website might be useful: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/