So upset with DH, really don't know what to do

[lewislola]

DH and I had a really good sex life - I fell pregnant on the pill last year, resulted in a mc at 18 weeks. For various reasons, sex life since our mc last April has been rubbish - we've literally had sex 6 times.

We got married in June just gone... 3 out of those 6 times were on our honeymoon.

DH was so upset when he found out we didn't conceive on our honeymoon, despite me telling him it was impossible as not during FW. He keeps telling me how he "can't believe" I've not conceived in the past year - keep explaining that you need to have sex to have a baby he said ok, let's try harder from now.

Start of this cycle I bought digital OPKs, told him in advance when I thought I may be ovulating. OPK confirmed ovulation yesterday, told him, all positive reactions then last night got into bed... and he switched on sky sports news. Tried to cuddle in, kiss him etc... told me I was being a "pest" and to "leave him alone."

He loves kids, constantly talks about how much he wants a family. His best friends gf has recently had a baby, he has nieces and nephews who he adores, we bought our house specifically with the intent on raising a family there. I started my own business and am earning more through it than my FT job (which I hate) however DH and I discussed that it would be best to stay there until I fall pregnant for the mat pay. We are financially secure, he has a very good job - there is absolutely no reason that I can see or he has voiced that would make him back off.

I lead awake until half 3 last night wondering what's wrong with me, why he won't sleep with me. I'm mid 20s, a size 6, would like to think fairly attractive... he is late 30s.

Decided to talk to him about it this morning - was as diplomatic as possible but really upset. He completely flew off the handle with me, telling me I don't understand how hard he works, to "take the pressure off and we might have a baby", how I'm so demanding, nothing makes me happy.

I'm so upset - I don't know who to talk to in RL, he makes all the right noises about wanting a baby. I'm stretching myself working a job I hate plus my own business (plus all the housework and looking after the animals). He leaves the house at 7.30, gets home at 6. Spends the rest of the time in his boxers watching tv. I genuinely don't know what to do or how to resolve this 😢😢

@gendercritter I think I'm feeling a bit emotional...!

I've put this all to the back of my mind and last night was just the final straw. He keeps telling me I'm young and not to stress then in the next breath "I'm 38, I don't want to be an old dad."

Since the mc I've wanted nothing else but a baby. Yes I'm only 25, I have "time" on my side but I've worked hard to set us up financially for this. I'm exhausted and just want it to happen, I just can't understand why he doesn't want it to.

Sorry about your miscarriage OP x

Perhaps your OH wasn't as happy about the previous pregnancy as he thought he'd be and doesn't want to admit it? Either way though he should be being honest with you.

I would stop tracking/trying and next time he brings it up just mention again that you need to have sex to have a baby. Let him come to you, and if he doesn't then you may need to consider your options.

""I think people are being quite generous about him.""

I thought exactly the same.

"" I'm beginning to feel like there is something wrong with me or he doesn't find me attractive anymore.""

Recognise that you are in a toxic relationship and this is the result.

That text reads similar to the stuff that my DD's abusive Partner used to send/say to her.

OP go onto the relationship board and read the links about recognising an abusive Partner.

Don't have a baby with him, until all of the other issues are solved.

Timescales need putting on changes, so he doesn't up the behaviour and you get worn down and use to it, to the point that he convinces you it's you and everything is fine.

You are not being remotely U.
He is being a selfish prick.
Not a single thing you have written about him sounds positive. And you are describing things factually, so it's not as if you are putting a negative spin on it.

TIme for some self-care. Let this loser stew in his own self-centredness.

I've just gone onto his iPad and he's deleted all his browsing history.... he's also deleted Facebook and messenger, which he had on there last night....

Op be totally honest here do you really "have" to re-load the dishwasher or are you, like me, a dishwasher stacking control freak? I hold my hands right up and admit that the fact that Mr Elbows doesn't load the dishwasher "properly" does my head in but he does do it. The thing with telling husbands that they're doing everything wrong, telling anyone that they're doing everything wrong, is that they just stop doing it. It'll be exactly the same thing when you've have a baby. He won't pull his weight because nothing he does will be right. The same principle applies when you turn sex in to a job. People's sex lives are always better when they're not stressed, worried or up in each others grills.

You know you're fertile, you know you can conceive, you don't need to be obsessing about ovulation and demanding that he jump on like some sort of service. That way problems lie and they're problems you don't need. He's got a point when he tells you to just back off and let it be. He's telling you he's not comfortable and you need to respect that. He's talking and you need to listen even if you don't like what he's saying. If you keep up the pressure he will stop talking because, just like dishwasher, there's no point. Then it's too late. I'd put money on it that's he's completely terrified that you'll go through another miscarriage. Keep talking but make sure you listen too, even to what he's not saying.

Beware of mn "advice" that tells you your marriage should be all about what you want, when you want it and that your husband isn't allowed feelings, emotions, humanity or an opinion and should essentially just be a house robot.

@lewislola

www.thehotline.org/what-is-gaslighting/

but I've worked hard to set us up financially for this.

Has he worked equally hard? It's interesting you didn't say "we" there. He's much older and doesn't want to be an older dad - you'd think he'd be the one making sure everything was financially sorted, wouldn't you?

Don’t have a baby with him.

You’ll be back on here posting that he hates the baby and does nothing to help either with the baby or round the house.

He’s basically just a twat. You can do better. Time is on your side!!

OP how is he going to be if you have a bad pregnancy? Will he care for you and take over the running of the house? After a bad birth, or difficult pregnancy, would he do the same and be understanding?

Are you noticing a change since the Counselling started?

I've never met a Woman who needed Counselling to do housework. It's only some Men that can't function as Adults, because of past issues.

I hope you get a wake up call, besides from this thread, very soon.

What jumped out at me is that you need to thank him for hoovering?!!!

Does this work both ways?

There's far more issues going on here than his wanting or not wanting a baby. It sounds like a pretty poor situation for you and perhaps you might consider why you're accepting of it? While he gets to do (or not do) whatever he wants. And passes the blame on to you if ask him to do something (reasonable) he doesn't want to do.

Sorry for your loss OP. I hope things get better for you but please consider what a future with this man would be like.

Here's something about gaslighting: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201801/how-know-if-youre-victim-gaslighting

I've worked hard to set us up financially for this.

That’s great, it’s not going to go away. Just make sure you have kids with the right man. Rushing in to kids with the wrong man - you will regret for the rest of your life.

He's sending out some very mixed messages. Telling you not to put pressure on, yet applying pressure to you by telling you he was disappointed not to conceive on your honeymoon. Wants it to happen naturally, yet doesn't want to be an old dad.

He's either being manipulative here, or he's having some issues around the idea of pregnancy/having a child, but doesn't want to or know how to talk to you about it.

You say he has issues around control though, and that he's seeing a therapist for this? How does his controlling nature usually present within your relationship? Have things improved since he's been having help for it?

I would reiterate what other posters have said. Don't have a baby with him, at least not yet until you sort all of this out. It sounds like you have various problems that need addressing. You both need to be willing to address things though, not just you.

@FlyingElbows you are completely right.

With housework, I have gone past the point of "praising" him for the crap job he has done, when he's decided to do it... along the lines of "if you want a job done do it yourself." Ive tried delegating, I've tried nagging, I've tried not saying anything... it's just easier when I do it myself.

With ttc, I never even mentioned "FW" to him until the honeymoon last month when he was convinced we'd conceived after sex 3 times so I don't think it's pressure as such. He was so diligent about "trying" and that's what I think I've got so upset about.

Someone who isn't up to something doesn't delete his browsing history.

OP, end this 'mystery' this weekend by confronting him and making it clear that you are no longer chief cook and bottle washer.

He's not being fair to you, and absolutely doesn't deserve all of the effort and heartache you're putting into this relationship.

I suspect there is something behind his refusal to have sex with you (erectile issues, fear of actually conceiving?) but he is being grossly unfair in refusing to talk to you about whats going on and then trying to make you out to be somehow at fault. He's being a dick, making you doubt yourself and your sanity - and that's before we even get to the fact that he's treating you like an unpaid maid service.

What are you getting out of the relationship? You sound sensible, hard working, caring and altogether too good for this shit.

You are mad to even think about having a baby with him. You are on the road to divorce the question is do you want to be a single mum, or have the chance of a happy family with your second husband.

Just go on the divorce/separation section, read a few threads and see what your future holds if you continue down this road.

I've just looked at the links re gaslighting - thank you to those that posted... eye opening to say the least.

He has been very controlling in the past, very jealous and possessive- not just with me but with previous partners. He has been 100x better since he has been seeing his therapist - around a year now.

I guess how he is acting now is the same type of behaviour manifesting in a different way.

@AgathaF you've hit the nail on the head here. It's the mixed messages I can't cope with. If he told me he didn't want a baby for X reason, fine, no worries... let's readdress when you're ready. It's the pressure to be pg when we are not having sex that I can't cope with! We talk about a family on an almost daily basis - eg whether to travel to my family or his family at Xmas, "we'll have to see what is happening first" or "X at work is pg, I can't wait until that's you" - it's so so frustrating

My DM raised me and my DSis by herself - DF was a total arsehole. Maybe that's why I've let myself accepted this? My best friend is a single mum to twins, I've seen how hard she struggles and I definitely don't want to be in that position if I can help it.

Really, really peculiar to delete browsing history. I know for a fact FB messenger was on his iPad yesterday as it pinged in the evening.

I think I'm going to get away this weekend and have a good think about what to do, as his behaviour clearly isn't acceptable

Just leave? Seriously, what thinking have you got to do?! The man is clearly a twat who will be an utterly useless father.

OP I'm sorry to hear about your MC, unfortunately I don't understand why you are with this man? Is your self esteem so low that you are going to put up with this shit? Really think you need to get some RL support and seriously consider your future with this man, he sounds horrendous and frankly stupid.

He's stringing you along. He has no intention of having kids with you. I imagine this is why you have barely had sex since the miscarriage.

He's not coming across as husband of the year I must say.

"I guess how he is acting now is the same type of behaviour manifesting in a different way. "

Yes, it is. So the Counselling is shifting the control, not diminishing it. I'd put money on it escalating once you are pregnant.

Can I ask why you are so accepting of him not being able to do housework?

I would leave him to do it, then say that you can't have a baby whilst the house isn't clean.

You are going to be handed the Baby back because "you settle him better than me", or, "I can't handle dirty nappies, like you can".

Is a child going to be able to emotionally rely on him and be allowed to be their own person?

It's very cruel to go ahead with a Baby to a controlling person that you won't challenge.