So upset with DH, really don't know what to do

[lewislola]

DH and I had a really good sex life - I fell pregnant on the pill last year, resulted in a mc at 18 weeks. For various reasons, sex life since our mc last April has been rubbish - we've literally had sex 6 times.

We got married in June just gone... 3 out of those 6 times were on our honeymoon.

DH was so upset when he found out we didn't conceive on our honeymoon, despite me telling him it was impossible as not during FW. He keeps telling me how he "can't believe" I've not conceived in the past year - keep explaining that you need to have sex to have a baby he said ok, let's try harder from now.

Start of this cycle I bought digital OPKs, told him in advance when I thought I may be ovulating. OPK confirmed ovulation yesterday, told him, all positive reactions then last night got into bed... and he switched on sky sports news. Tried to cuddle in, kiss him etc... told me I was being a "pest" and to "leave him alone."

He loves kids, constantly talks about how much he wants a family. His best friends gf has recently had a baby, he has nieces and nephews who he adores, we bought our house specifically with the intent on raising a family there. I started my own business and am earning more through it than my FT job (which I hate) however DH and I discussed that it would be best to stay there until I fall pregnant for the mat pay. We are financially secure, he has a very good job - there is absolutely no reason that I can see or he has voiced that would make him back off.

I lead awake until half 3 last night wondering what's wrong with me, why he won't sleep with me. I'm mid 20s, a size 6, would like to think fairly attractive... he is late 30s.

Decided to talk to him about it this morning - was as diplomatic as possible but really upset. He completely flew off the handle with me, telling me I don't understand how hard he works, to "take the pressure off and we might have a baby", how I'm so demanding, nothing makes me happy.

I'm so upset - I don't know who to talk to in RL, he makes all the right noises about wanting a baby. I'm stretching myself working a job I hate plus my own business (plus all the housework and looking after the animals). He leaves the house at 7.30, gets home at 6. Spends the rest of the time in his boxers watching tv. I genuinely don't know what to do or how to resolve this 😢😢

I really really wouldn't be getting pregnant with this man. Where is Any Fucker when you need her?

I'm stretching myself working a job I hate plus my own business (plus all the housework and looking after the animals). He leaves the house at 7.30, gets home at 6. Spends the rest of the time in his boxers watching tv. I genuinely don't know what to do or how to resolve this 😢😢

^this is an alarm bell!! Please listen to it. Don’t have a child with him as long as this continues. Seriously. Read through the relationship boards- it’s full of men who carry on exactly like this after the babies are born. The wives always think he’ll change. It’s doesnt happen. And it’s not ok.

He's treating you like shit.

Sorry but it's true.

Why on earth would you want a child with him? He needs to grow up, share the load and appreciate his wife. Shit happens to all of us, but we don't sit around in our pants watching TV as a result.

We lost a very beloved baby at 26 weeks FWIW which is why I said shit happens, but I'd have left DH on the spot if he was behaving like yours is........

I can't comment on whether this is a situation where your husband is being deliberately difficult or not, but I can say that more than five years after a late miscarriage, my husband and I have each had counselling separately this year for other reasons and it's come up as a big issue for both of us. I think we were both horribly traumatised by it, and having a successful pregnancy after it didn't 'cure' the trauma, it just buried it a bit and it surfaced again in other ways. Counselling may be worth a go.

Thank you all for your advice.

Re all the comments about the housework - yes you're right and in honesty I think I've taken on the lions share for an easier life. It's definitely easier than having to reload the dishwasher for the hundredth time or having to thank him for doing the worst hoovering job you can imagine... mil was a SAHM so think this is likely the root.

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery this is what I put it down to but even when I've tried to explain he either forgets or plays ignorant. He is an intelligent man and I've tried to involve him as much as I can. Again, just makes the right noises but doesn't listen.

@gendercritter your post made me cry!! He has just started playing football once a week. He takes an interest in our horses but wouldn't think to ride himself, just likes looking at them. He doesn't watch porn that I know of - but maybe there is an OW? I wouldn't know when he'd possibly have time but I guess it would explain things...?

Just received this from him.... I can't stop crying 😢

Good decision to go back on the pill OP. Although abstinence would be my preferred contraceptive in your situation. He’s being an absolute jerk. I’m sorry.

I think it's important to consider whether you want a child with him now, as he is.

He sounds utterly selfish. He sits there in his pants while you do all the housework. He's a lot older than you but expects you to do everything. He is angry that you're not pregnant when you've had sex six times in the last 18 months - is he completely stupid?

Forget about what he was like. Think about what he's like now. Is this the sort of man you hoped you'd be married to? Is this the sort of role model you want your children to have?

Now all you need is someone to be grateful for - that's a horrid message to send .

My first thought was that he really doesn't want a baby, he just doesn't know how to tell you.

My second thought would be that I wouldn't be married to a man who did nothing around the house. You work full time AND run a business. I daresay that if you actually calculated 'hours working' that you work more than he does, it's just that part of it (your business) is probably run from home and/or that you have a shorter commute. He's counting his work from the moment he leaves the house until he walks back in the door. He's counting your work as the time you walk into your workplace until the time you walk out of it and isn't adding in your self employment.

Personally, if he wasn't invested enough in our marriage to see a counselor about fixing the inequality in work/housework balance as well as figuring out why he's putting up roadblocks to conceiving, I'd be gone. Life is too short and you are too young to be playing Sisyphus, doing all the work only to get nowhere.

I wouldn’t like the pressure of ‘I’m ovulating, we need to have sex now’.

To me his message reads like the pressure and expectation to have sex when you tell him has become a turn off for him. Just ditch the OPKs and just have unprotected sex, when you both feel like it, regardless of what part of your cycle it is.

But he needs to do more round the house now, definitely.

What is that he's having therapy for? You say it's unrelated, but any stress or MH problem is capable of affecting libido.

And what is his work? He has a long working day, but it's not unusually long. There are plenty of men who work longer hours at jobs involving hard manual labour who manage to father and look after children.

But ultimately he needs to explain himself without getting emotional and without seeking to blame you for wanting what you had until relatively recently. If he's not prepared to do that or to take any steps to help himself, it's hard to see the situation going anywhere but further downhill.

"mil was a SAHM so think this is likely the root."

So was my MIL, but when my husband moved out he had to keep house & work to pay the bills!

He didn't somehow forget that when I moved in!

You deserve better than being treated in this way OP.

Can you go stay with a friend for the night, get some space? Tell him he's hurt you and you'll come home when you're ready to talk to him about it. I'm a bit worried for you OP, has he always been this... abusive? That text doesn't read very well, he comes across like he's gaslighting.

I hope things work out for you flowers

The picture has gone?

Please don't have a baby with this knob. he really doesn't like you very much. You deserve to find someone who treats you with kindness and respect.

Regardless of the sex/baby-making aspect (and I think it's quite possible that he might be scared of conceiving again after the miscarriage), you quite honestly shouldn't have a baby with him unless he pulls his finger out and does his fair share of the household tasks. He should NOT be arsing around on a sofa all evening while you run around cleaning, after you've both got back from full-time jobs, however 'hard' he works (you are working harder, frankly, by doing a job you hate and trying to run a business on top).

Women should not be putting up with men who do this.

Sorry I made you cry, lovely. Fwiw I think his response is manipulative. Some people are very skilled at making you run around affter them, trying to make them ok. Don't play that game. It's a waste of time and energy and will drive you a bit mad.

The porn - well, some men find the time when you would swear they don't ever watch it. . It wouldn't surprise me if he's watching a lot. It puts men off having sex with real women sadly.

You don't deserve any of this. A relationship should be making your life better. Yes people have ups and downs but if there are a lot of downs and strops and difficulties this soon in, that is a red flag. Your dh sounds like a giant child tbh.

Can you go away for a few days on your own and have a good think. You have lots of time ahead of you to have a baby, so at least that is a positive.

At least you're still young, so you've got another ten years before you need to worry about getting pregnant. Probably best to sort out the issues with him first before you actually do. Why is he so lazy around the house? Why does he sit in his boxers all evening? Is there an OW? (I'd be rather concerned). Is he actually committed? Does he really want a baby with you?

OP I think you need to read the writing on the wall (and the text).
He’s a massive knob and you’re very young so have plenty of time to get out and start again.

If you do all the housework on top of working FT, what will it be like when you have to do the kids alone on top.

Controlling you into staying in your job and running your business - no doubt he likes the money - but it’s your life.

Thank you all. I'm glad that the consensus is that I'm not BU 😢 he has a history of being controlling, which is why he is seeking help. I wouldn't care if there was a reason why he didn't want sex - whether it was because he didn't want a baby or because of me or MH reasons. I just want to know... I'm so done with wanting a baby, getting me/us financially set up and him literally not wanting it, yet telling me he does.

Can someone explain gaslighting please?

To pps that have suggested letting it happen naturally - it literally would not happen at all. If we had sex regularly I would happily delete apps etc and just see what happens. I'm only letting him know when I'm ovulating etc as he keeps saying he wants a baby and I thought ok, he will know that we NEED to have sex now in order to conceive one. It's so frustrating!

It’s a blessing that he doesn’t to have sex frankly, think you need to stop trying to have a baby with him. This relationship does not sound like it’s going to survive.

Suggesting you’re the unreasonable one for ‘putting a stop’ to TTC is a joke when he’s the one refusing sex. It’s manipulative in the extreme for him to be trying to put this on you and sounds really controlling.

So sorry to read about your miscarriage

I mean, I'd be done with him after that message.

But, in response, I would want to ask him how he expects it to happen naturally if you have had sex X times in a year. But then the gaslighting bit is that he'd say "So now you keep count. Lovely. So much for letting it happen naturally". It's basically twisting everything so you doubt yourself.

I would be strongly suspecting another woman.