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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being a dick about this?

350 replies

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 07:57

I’m 18 weeks pregnant with twins, and I’m high risk. I have complex mental health issues that include very severe anxiety.

DP insists he needs to sleep for 12 hours everyone day otherwise he feels exhausted and upset. It keeps causing arguments.

I have told DP that his sleep impacts on our lives because it stops us doing family days out, it means I have to manage DC1, who has SN, alone every morning and make the breakfasts and get ready and get organised while pregnant. It means I barely get any time with DP.

He keeps saying he will sort it and every time I bring it up I’m “nagging” which apparently makes him resistant to change and makes him less likely to sort it.

He then says I have a weird fixation on what’s “normal” and if I just accepted as a family we do things differently I would be happy.

But I am not happy. I don’t want the kind of childhood for my DCs where this happens. I come from a family where we used to get up early and go to visit castles, go for picnics, and have days out. Not waste our lives in bed. It makes me depressed and contributes to how isolated and anxious I feel.

Apparently when I mention this I am unsupportive and uncaring about his issues. He insists it’s a medical problem.

I have tried implementing household sleep schedules, letting him have a day without the dc to lie in, making him a strong coffee, but all that does is get me accused of being a control freak who wants to control his sleeping.

It’s not me is it? He’s making me doubt myself. He is being a massive dickhead isn’t it he?!

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 17/08/2018 07:59

12 hours every day is not normal. Could be just be actually avoiding parenting the children?

lackingimagination · 17/08/2018 08:00

Enormous.

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 08:00

Oh and I mentioned recently I want us to make mor friends with dcs a similar age because I feel lonely as none of our (his!) friends have dc.

He said that he won’t like them and he’s not going to abandon his friends and he’d rather see “his boys” than have “dinner parties” (he said that with disdain).

His friends are his high school friends and they’re nice people but I feel it’s quite juvenile? He’s being a child about all of this isn’t he?

OP posts:
sexnotgender · 17/08/2018 08:00

He’s being a dick.

How is his precious 12 hours of sleep going to fare with newborn twins? Let me guess... you’ll do it all?

SocialPiranha · 17/08/2018 08:00

He is a total fucking dickhead. And a selfish one at that. Why in the world has he decided to have children if he “needs” 12 hours sleep (or he becomes upset- wtf is he 2 years old?!)??

I can’t see your relationship lasting tbh but that’s no reflection on you. It’s all on him.

Haberpop · 17/08/2018 08:00

What time is he getting up? I think it is unreasonable of him to lie in bed while you get to do breakfast duties every day, do you ever get a chance to have a morning to do as you please?

Dementedswan · 17/08/2018 08:00

Can't he go to bed at 8pm after doing bedtime for dc1?

Never heard of this before. Strikes me as selfish. I would love to sleep for 12 hours a night but realistically it's not going to happen.

What would he say if you decided you need to sleep ?

GlassSuppers · 17/08/2018 08:01

No it's not you.
Does he suffer with depression? Find the DC difficult?

You can't carry on like this OP. Could he go to bed earlier instead of waking up later? Thanks

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 08:01

Could be just be actually avoiding parenting the children?

When he’s awake, he is a genuinely good parent. He’s a great dad, very hands on. DP is like a big child himself and DC loves playing with him, he’s also good at setting boundaries.

The problem is he’s not awake enough.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 17/08/2018 08:01

He is being a massive dick.
Lazy and selfish.
Opting out of parenting.
Being manipulative.
Does he have any good points?

lindyhopy · 17/08/2018 08:01

Yes he is being a massive selfish dickhead. I guess he does not manage this 'medical condition' by going to bed early so that he can get up early?
Does he work?

harriethoyle · 17/08/2018 08:01

He's being a total wang. You are definitely NBU.

Chuggachuggatoottoot · 17/08/2018 08:02

Yes he is. You poor thing. What does he do for a job?
I'm sorry but he needs to step up.
You're pregnant with twins FFS!
I hope you've got some family nearby to help support you.

Girlslikeme · 17/08/2018 08:03

When does he fit in work?

What hours is he actually sleeping?

endofthelinefinally · 17/08/2018 08:03

Cross posted with all the posts after your OP.
Having read more I will now add "immature".

notheretoargue · 17/08/2018 08:03

Yes, he’s being a massive dickhead. It sounds like he’s got a sleep disorder, and he needs to sort that out ASAP or else how is he expecting that you deal with twins?

My dh was like this. Turns out he has sleep apnoea. Wish he had gone to the doctors years before, especially when the kids were small!!!!

Feltcushion · 17/08/2018 08:03

Does he also have mental health issues? Is he depressed?

Karigan198 · 17/08/2018 08:04

Total dick. Ex DP slept in all the time. We’re now divorced and new DP isn’t a dick. Says it all really

endofthelinefinally · 17/08/2018 08:04

Actually. You said it. He is a big child.Sad

Flev · 17/08/2018 08:04

Probably a daft question - but has he had his thyroid checked? I found myself heading straight to bed after work for many months as I had no energy left - turns out I had an underactive thyroid and now I'm on medication my energy levels are back to normal.

Like I say, it's a slightly off the wall suggestion - but suggesting it to him might be be a way of pointing out that his sleep needs are not "normal".

SocialPiranha · 17/08/2018 08:05

He’s discouraging you from making new friends? He sounds more than just a lazy selfish dickhead.

Nononannette · 17/08/2018 08:05

I’d love to stick a Fitbit on him to track his sleep and see how much he actually gets.
He deserves sympathy IF he has a medical issue BUT I’m betting anything he hasn’t seen a doctor and has no diagnosis. You can’t go on like this really I think it is enough to give an ultimatum. Is he depressed about life and sleeping to avoid things? Whatever, a doctors visit is called for.

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 08:05

What time is he getting up? I think it is unreasonable of him to lie in bed while you get to do breakfast duties every day, do you ever get a chance to have a morning to do as you please?

Sometimes I do because my mum has DC1 for two nights in the week, so both of us have two nights off.

He gets up anywhere from 9am to 12pm, but the 9am is a recent thing I have insisted on. Until about two weeks ago it was 11pm ish.

He does have depression sometimes, and ADHD. I also have ADHD. I suspect he is upset about something and not handling it well but I feel he is taking it out on me.

He goes to bed between 11 and 1 and says it’s because of his ADHD. I have said if he needs so much sleep then why not sleep earlier, he says he wouldn’t get an evening then. This really annoyed me because I feel he is prioritising that instead of our family.

OP posts:
paintinmyhairAgain · 17/08/2018 08:05

sounds like he needs a kick up the arse tbh ! 'his boys' how old is he ??
sounds like he's skipping out on family life, i would seriously consider my future with someone like this. he says it's medical so has he seen a doctor or is it self diagnosis of sticky mattress syndrome ?
Flowers for you.

sexnotgender · 17/08/2018 08:06

So what time is he going to bed and getting up at? I’ll bet my bottom dollar it’s not 7-7.

Does he work?

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