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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being a dick about this?

350 replies

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 07:57

I’m 18 weeks pregnant with twins, and I’m high risk. I have complex mental health issues that include very severe anxiety.

DP insists he needs to sleep for 12 hours everyone day otherwise he feels exhausted and upset. It keeps causing arguments.

I have told DP that his sleep impacts on our lives because it stops us doing family days out, it means I have to manage DC1, who has SN, alone every morning and make the breakfasts and get ready and get organised while pregnant. It means I barely get any time with DP.

He keeps saying he will sort it and every time I bring it up I’m “nagging” which apparently makes him resistant to change and makes him less likely to sort it.

He then says I have a weird fixation on what’s “normal” and if I just accepted as a family we do things differently I would be happy.

But I am not happy. I don’t want the kind of childhood for my DCs where this happens. I come from a family where we used to get up early and go to visit castles, go for picnics, and have days out. Not waste our lives in bed. It makes me depressed and contributes to how isolated and anxious I feel.

Apparently when I mention this I am unsupportive and uncaring about his issues. He insists it’s a medical problem.

I have tried implementing household sleep schedules, letting him have a day without the dc to lie in, making him a strong coffee, but all that does is get me accused of being a control freak who wants to control his sleeping.

It’s not me is it? He’s making me doubt myself. He is being a massive dickhead isn’t it he?!

OP posts:
ResistanceIsNecessary · 17/08/2018 08:23

Oh and agree with Pastures. I am a bit zonked and knackered if I don't get 9 hours - whereas DH manages quite happily with 6-7 hours. However that doesn't stop me dragging my arse out of bed and getting on with life. If I need more sleep then I go to bed earlier.

ToesInWater · 17/08/2018 08:23

Yes, he is being a total dick. If he needs 12 hours sleep it needs to come out of his evening, not the morning when his family needs him. The fact that he hasn't worked this out is what makes him a dick.

mrsm43s · 17/08/2018 08:23

I think different people need different amounts of sleep, and if he needs 12 hours of sleep, then so be it, and its not up to anyone to dictate how much sleep another adult is allowed.

BUT, (and it's a big but), the extra sleep he wants needs to come out of "his" time, rather than "family" time, and needs to be taken in such a way that you are not being left with more than your fair share of the childcare/housework etc to do. So if he wants an extra 4 hours sleep than the expected norm, then he needs to sacrifice his free time, his gaming, his tv watching, his evenings out - not be absent for a big chunk of the morning. So 7-7 or 8-8 would be a reasonable sleep pattern for him, but 12-12 isn't, because of the impact on the family. If he needs the sleep, then he can't stay up late!

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 08:24

He does help out around the house when he is awake. He’s been doing everything while awake because I’ve been very ill with HG.

When awake and rested he is fantastic. The problem is the other side.

OP posts:
chickenowner · 17/08/2018 08:24

My first thought was maybe he should see his GP. I need a lot of sleep myself so I sympathise but 12 hours seems excessive. I'm wondering if he has a physical or mental health problem leading to this tiredness?

Either that or, as a pp has said, he's trying to avoid parenting and housework.

epicclusterfuck · 17/08/2018 08:25

If the thyroid result is TSH then in some countries other than U.K. he would be diagnosed as hypothyroid. Does his dad have type 1 or type 2 diabetes? Thyroid disease can be autoimmune and related to type 1 diabetes, there are other autoimmune illnesses that could be affecting him too. A check up with GP would be a good idea.

bobstersmum · 17/08/2018 08:29

He needs to man up, who needs 12 hours sleep!! You and your dc and unborn dc need him to sort himself out. With young children you just have to kiss goodbye to guaranteed sleep.

RhiWrites · 17/08/2018 08:29

So what’s his plan? He does as he pleases and you do all the work?

He’s selfish. Why did he even have children if he wasn’t going to parent them?

OP, how do you feel? Are you just going to keep on or can you imagine a future without him?

Shambu · 17/08/2018 08:31

I think you have to accept that you've chosen to bring three children into a very dysfunctional situation. You say he was like this before then shifts - he's not going to change. It feels like you're trying to change him into or hoping he will change into the type of man you dreamed having a family with and I think you need to accept he is not that person.

The fact that he harangued your for an hour when you disturbed his sleep does not bode at all well for parenting newborn twins.

Essentially you will be parenting three children alone.

If I were you I would contact SS before the birth, explain your complex needs and ask what help there may be available after the birth.

I think you have to be honest with yourself that this relationship may not survive twins and get strategies in place now. Otherwise you may end up heading towards breakdown.

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 08:31

It was a TSH result.

His dad is a T2 diabetic.

He is honestly lovely when awake but I feel like he is two people, one my lovely partner and the second a moody teenager

OP posts:
AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 17/08/2018 08:33

You will have four “children” to tend. He is not a “partner”. Family planning, might be the way to go OP.

mydogsayswoof · 17/08/2018 08:35

I would leave him, sorry. He's selfish and doesn't see anything wrong with it. He's a shit partner and a shit dad. He's not a good dad if he's sleeping half the day, gaming at night and being nasty to his kids mum.

SunnyCoco · 17/08/2018 08:37

I need more sleep than most people due to medical conditions

However if I haven’t managed to go to bed early enough I still get my arse out of bed at the crack of dawn to bloody get on with it

When you’re a parent there’s no other option I’m afraid

ResistanceIsNecessary · 17/08/2018 08:37

Stop making excuses for him love.

He's only "lovely when he's awake" because he is getting his own way all of the time and gets to live his life exactly how he wants. Wanders off to work with you running the house. Wanders back in and spends his evening doing a spot of light and fun parenting and then gaming. Going to bed when he feels like it with you under strict instructions not to disturb his sleep because it's a "medical condition".

Come ON. Surely you can see he is taking the complete piss out of you?

Oh and just a thought, I suspect your anxiety and MH would improve were you not constantly having to tiptoe round this dickhead...

museumum · 17/08/2018 08:37

I feel I need a huge amount of sleep. For me that’s nine hours ideally. I always go to bed at 10 to balance seeing my dh in the evening after dc are in bed with also getting up at a reasonable time.

Fairylea · 17/08/2018 08:38

Even if he has hypothyroidism he doesn’t NEED 12 hours of sleep, he can manage on less, he’s just being unfair.

I have hypothyroidism, Addison’s disease, asthma and anaemia. We have a child with autism and learning disabilities. None of us have slept more than 5 hours straight in 6 years (since he was born). We’ve survived. (And I was diagnosed with Addison’s during that time so it hasn’t always been well managed).

He needs to get up at a reasonable time and take part in family life. Opting out like this is crazy.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 17/08/2018 08:39

i second the GP-I wonder if he is not getting good quality sleep?
Does he snore? Wonder if he has something like sleep apnea which makes you very tired?
I also wonder if a fit bit that tracks sleep would help as you can see the quality of your sleep and how much of each type you get - it helps me as sometimes I don't think I've slept well when actually I have...
It may help with him cutting down actual hours as he can see the quality and benchmarks for each type have been met on less hours.

junebirthdaygirl · 17/08/2018 08:39

Is he on medication for depression or anything else..Some of those meds can make you zonked and sleep a lot.

NoSquirrels · 17/08/2018 08:40

Have you asked him what the plan is for when the twins arrive? Has he thought about it? Make him tell you explicitly that he wants you to do it all. At least then you’ll know what he thinks of you.

What does your mum think of him? She gives you 2 nights with DC1 - is that because she knows you’d be on your knees because your DH is so selfish? What does she think will happen when the twins are here?

My DH needs a lot of sleep and functions badly without it, prone to migraines etc. So I did a lot more with DC and babies, and it is horribly hard - BUT he’d get up and do the morning shift and wouldn’t stay up late to take the piss, AND he was apologetic about it. And I still resented it at times, and I didn’t have twins or a child with SN or anxiety and ADHD myself.

You need loads of support, he’s not going to offer it, so you need a plan for who will.

endofthelinefinally · 17/08/2018 08:42

No wonder you suffer from anxiety. He sounds an absolute nightmare.

NynaeveSedai · 17/08/2018 08:42

My ex has ADHD which he self medicated with cannabis and major sleep issues. It didn't get better and contributed to the end of our relationship as he was not a present or reliable partner, and his behaviour when woken was absolutely foul.

I accepted that it was a sleep disorder and linked to his ADHD but given that he was self medicating and wouldn't do ANYTHING that might have helped I couldn't put up with it.

He did put our DC at risk by falling asleep when meant to be looking after him.

violet0805 · 17/08/2018 08:43

Has he always been like this with the sleeping?? Or is it something he's come up with to get out of helping with the babies (nightfeeds etc)??

P.s he sounds like a major dick

NynaeveSedai · 17/08/2018 08:44

Also - my own mental health suffered being with him and after we split I developed anxiety almost entirely due to worries over him looking after DC. That didn't alleviate until DC was old enough to keep them self alive and entertained for a few hours without supervision Hmm

LagunaBubbles · 17/08/2018 08:45

think you have to accept that you've chosen to bring three children into a very dysfunctional situation

This. He won't change. You can't change him into your vision of the ideal family man. When the twins arrive it will just get worse.

Nixen · 17/08/2018 08:45

I can’t understand why you thought getting pregnant would improve this situation?
He sounds like an absolute waste of space