To think DP is being a dick about this?

[BlairWaldorfsHeadband]

I’m 18 weeks pregnant with twins, and I’m high risk. I have complex mental health issues that include very severe anxiety.

DP insists he needs to sleep for 12 hours everyone day otherwise he feels exhausted and upset. It keeps causing arguments.

I have told DP that his sleep impacts on our lives because it stops us doing family days out, it means I have to manage DC1, who has SN, alone every morning and make the breakfasts and get ready and get organised while pregnant. It means I barely get any time with DP.

He keeps saying he will sort it and every time I bring it up I’m “nagging” which apparently makes him resistant to change and makes him less likely to sort it.

He then says I have a weird fixation on what’s “normal” and if I just accepted as a family we do things differently I would be happy.

But I am not happy. I don’t want the kind of childhood for my DCs where this happens. I come from a family where we used to get up early and go to visit castles, go for picnics, and have days out. Not waste our lives in bed. It makes me depressed and contributes to how isolated and anxious I feel.

Apparently when I mention this I am unsupportive and uncaring about his issues. He insists it’s a medical problem.

I have tried implementing household sleep schedules, letting him have a day without the dc to lie in, making him a strong coffee, but all that does is get me accused of being a control freak who wants to control his sleeping.

It’s not me is it? He’s making me doubt myself. He is being a massive dickhead isn’t it he?!

I am not ableist. I am a realist.

If you are in a difficult situation already it seems crazy to complicate the situation further.

You and your family are going to require a large amount of support and the more children you have the more support you will need.

My comment still stands that it is selfish.

Well you initially said your Mum has your child 2 nights a week so you get 2 nights 'off' but now that's changed to if your work hours need it? Whatever. You've admitted on this thread that you've pushed another baby that he wasn't ready for. It's massively irresponsible to push a pregnancy that one partner isn't ready for especially when there are already SN and mental health issues at play. I say this as someone who has a child with SN, and as someone who is medicated for depression, anxiety and sleep issues (before I also get accused of being 'ableist').

I'm the type of person who needs lots of sleep. I have 3 kids though so I don't actually get lots of sleep. Last night I had 5 and a half hours. It's just being a parent. His needs do not come above the needs of the family. I try and catch up on sleep by going to bed early when I can or having a lay in on weekends but I know that while dc are young my need for sleep is outweighed by the needs of my family. He needs to get himself sorted. I could not co parent with a man who acts like your dh.

So while I'm sympathetic to your dh and his need for sleep, 12 hours is really taking the piss out of you and your needs. If he was that desperate to get enough sleep he would go to bed earlier.
Good luck op

You and your family are going to require a large amount of support and the more children you have the more support you will need.

Not really. I cope just fine most of the time, despite my anxiety. I’m just sick of DPs sleeping because it’s getting me down.

I can usually manage to do everything myself and am fairly happy doing it.

Well you initially said your Mum has your child 2 nights a week so you get 2 nights 'off' but now that's changed to if your work hours need it? Whatever.

We get two nights off as a result of the arrangement but the reason it’s there in general is because she has him when I am at work.

I was the one who suggested it and wanted it but I didn’t force him either. He agreed.

I think you both need a lot of support to be honest. Is this a good environment for any children to be brought up in? You both sound very very obsessed with your own needs if I'm being brutally honest. My youngest is 20 and it's only now that my needs are even close to coming first in my life.............when you have kids, you put them first. Both parents

How do you think you are going to be able to do everything yourself with twins and a SEN child?

It’s not remotely realistic.

Is this a good environment for any children to be brought up in? You both sound very very obsessed with your own needs

How am I obsessed with my own needs? I spend all my free time with my DC and have a routine and structure for us. My DC is a well rounded child and very happy and comfortable, and we are very close. Everything I do is for my DC.

Why doesn't your partner look after DC while you are at work

Why doesn't your partner look after DC while you are at work

Because he works shifts and is sometimes working the same time as I am, or is sleeping as he does nights and evenings.

You both have mental health issues, and you both should treat the other with sympathy. If he needs that amount of sleep then he should see a doctor about it, but don't dismiss his need as being made up just because it isn't a need that you understand. Of course I agree though that if he does need 12 hours of sleep he should be going to bed earlier and cutting down on the gaming.

Agree with this.

OP, you need to have some empathy for your OH in the same way you expect him to have empathy for you.

It's a good idea to go for tests just in case there is something that can be fixed, but if there isn't anything wrong then you need to work together to find a solution, which would ideally be that he goes to bed earlier.

If he went to bed at 9pm and got up at 9 then that's not so bad. That is, if he's doing his fair share with your child.

If he went to bed at 9pm and got up at 9 then that's not so bad. That is, if he's doing his fair share with your child.

I would be happy with that.

I’ve got lupus and prior to that diagnosis was labelled with fibromyalgia. Sometimes I genuinely DO need 12hrs sleep but a) I’ve got a diagnosis and a consultant and take loads of drugs and b) I’m not a twat about it. My DH is very kind and good at getting up with our children on his own if I am having a bad couple of days, but it’s by no means every day and I also still hold down a job three days a week, get the older one to school on my days off and have the baby all day on my own. I haven’t opted out of parenting and life because I’m tired!

Are you saying people with mental health issues shouldn’t have children?

I think anyone with significant mental health issues should think very carefully before having children. Parental mental health issues deeply impact children and are a risk factor in children developing mental illness of their own.

It’s really not a good idea for one partner with mental health issues to push for more children with another partner with their own mental health issues, who says they are not ready. That should not be ignored.

It’s really not a good idea for one partner with mental health issues to push for more children with another partner with their own mental health issues, who says they are not ready. That should not be ignored

We discussed it and decided to go with my time scale rather than his. That’s what most couples do. They mention both ideas, talk about them, and decide who’s idea is best or come up with a compromise.

Not sure if he qualifies with 12 hours per night, but have you considered hypersomnia? I believe that it is possible to get a modafinil prescription if this were to be the case. I have a friend who had her life changed by this medication!

We discussed it and decided to go with my time scale rather than his. That’s what most couples do. They mention both ideas, talk about them, and decide who’s idea is best or come up with a compromise.

So you got your own way.

The health issues were already there.
The situation with your DP was already not ideal, but you wanted another child.

And now you are complaining about the situation when you are only 18 weeks pregnant and the twins haven't arrived yet.

Sorry if this has been mentioned but is he on any medication that might cause him to have such a high sleep requirement? Also is there a chance that he can move away from shift work? It can really screw with some people’s circadian rhythms.

My DH needs 10 hours a night to feel normal but gets on with less because we have young children. And when I was pregnant with twins and exhausted he did EVERYTHING. But I do think if that would be harder to do if there is a legitimate medical reason why he needs so much sleep.

So you got your own way.

We discussed it and when it was discussed, he agreed with me. What’s the problem with that exactly?

Also I didn’t ask for opinions on my children.

As with any teenager I would put this behaviour down to too much gaming late in the evening.
This man is behaving exactly like a very spoilt and badly socialised teenager.

Tbf I think suggesting that people who have one child with a disability should not go on to have subsequent children is a bit shit.

With that being said, I do think that things sound a bit dysfunctional. I don’t think the DP is the sole problem here.

I don’t think the DP is the sole problem here.

What am I doing that’s making this worse? I’m genuinely trying to help.

You asked for opinions on the situation with your DP.

The situation was already bad when you had just one child.

It would have been practical to sit down with your partner before getting pregnant to discuss the current situation and what you were happy/unhappy with. Once he/ you had made adjustments and the situation had improved then go for further children.

But that didn't happen and you are here on MN complaining about an avoidable situation.

It makes me

Hes being a massive cunt. It sounds like he is trying to avoid being a parent at all

But that didn't happen and you are here on MN complaining about an avoidable situation.

The situation isn’t worse because of the pregnancy. I can handle the children and childcare side of things.