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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being a dick about this?

350 replies

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 07:57

I’m 18 weeks pregnant with twins, and I’m high risk. I have complex mental health issues that include very severe anxiety.

DP insists he needs to sleep for 12 hours everyone day otherwise he feels exhausted and upset. It keeps causing arguments.

I have told DP that his sleep impacts on our lives because it stops us doing family days out, it means I have to manage DC1, who has SN, alone every morning and make the breakfasts and get ready and get organised while pregnant. It means I barely get any time with DP.

He keeps saying he will sort it and every time I bring it up I’m “nagging” which apparently makes him resistant to change and makes him less likely to sort it.

He then says I have a weird fixation on what’s “normal” and if I just accepted as a family we do things differently I would be happy.

But I am not happy. I don’t want the kind of childhood for my DCs where this happens. I come from a family where we used to get up early and go to visit castles, go for picnics, and have days out. Not waste our lives in bed. It makes me depressed and contributes to how isolated and anxious I feel.

Apparently when I mention this I am unsupportive and uncaring about his issues. He insists it’s a medical problem.

I have tried implementing household sleep schedules, letting him have a day without the dc to lie in, making him a strong coffee, but all that does is get me accused of being a control freak who wants to control his sleeping.

It’s not me is it? He’s making me doubt myself. He is being a massive dickhead isn’t it he?!

OP posts:
Xenadog · 17/08/2018 09:23

I would march him to the doctors and sit in with him on the appointment. I’d be telling the doctor everything he has said to you and then wait for the response.

Do you have much family support help from friends? I’d be looking elsewhere for support when the DT are born. He sounds like a selfish twat TBH and unless he sorts this out will just give you more hassle.

LannieDuck · 17/08/2018 09:23

I think I would take the approach of him needing to pull his weight with the overnight childcare duties. It's up to him how he manages his sleep, but he needs to do 1/2 nights.

Or you could say that when the twins come along, you'll deal with them, and he'll have to deal with DD1 by himself. Maybe sleep in separate bedrooms so he doesn't just default to you?

paintinmyhairAgain · 17/08/2018 09:23

if my dh was remotely like this i'd kick his arse to the kerb, how dare he blame you for being nasty in going out without him what a complete arsehole. there doesn't appear to be any redeeming features in this relationship.

LeftRightCentre · 17/08/2018 09:25

think you have to accept that you've chosen to bring three children into a very dysfunctional situation

This. It's astonishing how many procreate with someone who shows him or herself to be unsuited to parenting and then they procreate again! Is having only one child so bad that it's preferable to bring two or more children into a family where one parent is a dick? Is it because it's just too hard to find another more suitable potential parent?

This person will never change. This is who he is.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 17/08/2018 09:25

Ideally he'd agree to see a doctor and sort the problem out (if there is one) but he could easily see and doctor and lie about what they say ("the doc says I actually need more sleep or my head will eventually fall off").
The aggression actually concerns me more. Yelling at you for that length of time in the middle of the night when you are pregnant is a massive overreaction. I think you need to speak to women's aid or similar and find out the signs to look out for(in terms of the situation escalating), and prepare to have to leave. Obviously he may never become violent, but you're vulnerable and you need to be careful.

PerverseConverse · 17/08/2018 09:25

To refuse this blood test?http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3335799-To-refuse-this-blood-test

OP's recent thread

LeftRightCentre · 17/08/2018 09:27

I would march him to the doctors and sit in with him on the appointment.

Except you can't. You can't force an adult to go to the GP, send him to the GP, demand to sit in with an adult at an appointment, etc.

winterdeballesteros · 17/08/2018 09:29

To be fair, the op chose to have one more child, not two more - she can't control twins!

Pathetic is the word. Even if he has a thyroid problem and needs extra sleep he could go to bed at a reasonable time instead of gaming.

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 09:30

Thank you to the person who posted a link about hypothyroid. I’m going to ring our GPs, book him in and try to talk him into going as he has many of the other symptoms listed.

Thanks for the complete ignorance about anxiety, too. That’s really kind of you. I’m glad you think I’m a shit mum because I have a phobia of getting my blood taken, although what relevance that has to this I’m unsurex

OP posts:
Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 09:30

Unsure*

OP posts:
Broken11Girl · 17/08/2018 09:33

Didn't see your had last post. I had the 'drunk' thing too, genuinely couldn't speak or walk straight if forced to get up, even threw up. I think you're right, something is wrong. He needs to go to the GP and go back until they listen, could you go with him and explain? His health is his responsibility but he might need support to deal with it.

RestingBitchFaced · 17/08/2018 09:33

If anything you are under-reacting rather than over-reacting! I don't know how you put up with this selfish, childish behaviour! He is going to have such a shock when those twins arrive. He sounds like a prick doesn't even cover it, you need to sort this out asap

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 09:34

Broken11

It’s honestly not normal. I think he’s handling it like a dick but I think deep down there’s an issue with it, and I want to help him.

Thanks for the very helpful reply by the way, I’m going to go with him and explain. He’s from a family where they won’t go to the doctor unless their legs are hanging off so might need a push

OP posts:
Veterinari · 17/08/2018 09:35

You might also want to consider coeliac disease screening - it can leave you exhausted

Loonoon · 17/08/2018 09:36

Excess sleeping can be a symptom of depression OP, a way of escaping the world. Is there any chance that is the case here?

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 09:37

Thanks, I’ll ask about that.

He genuinely is lovely usually, its just his sleep and his response to it that causes these issues.

OP posts:
TwistedStitch · 17/08/2018 09:37

Why on earth did you push for another baby when he wasn't ready? The whole situation sounds really shit. Your poor Mum has your child 2 nights a week, that's more like a shared custody arrangement than a grandparent relationship. As others said you are just going to have to accept that you've chosen to bring more kids into a very dysfunctional situation and that he isn't going to change. And if his aggression continues you need to consider the safety of your kids too.

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 09:37

Excess sleeping can be a symptom of depression OP, a way of escaping the world. Is there any chance that is the case here?

He does have depression at times, but his sleep remains the same so I don’t think it’s the cause.

OP posts:
Chocolaterainbows · 17/08/2018 09:38

It is a very sad situation.

So you have two parents, both with complex mental health issues, who produce a child with Sen and then decide it's a good idea to carry on having more children.

How utterly selfish.

PerverseConverse · 17/08/2018 09:38

I'm not ignorant about anxiety as I have diagnosed anxiety myself along with PND, have had an eating disorder, and am awaiting assessment for ADD and ASD. However I don't use them to get my own way. I didn't say you're a shit mum.

harshbuttrue1980 · 17/08/2018 09:39

You both have mental health issues, and you both should treat the other with sympathy. If he needs that amount of sleep then he should see a doctor about it, but don't dismiss his need as being made up just because it isn't a need that you understand. Of course I agree though that if he does need 12 hours of sleep he should be going to bed earlier and cutting down on the gaming.

Do either of you have a job? I can't see how paid work fits into this scenario, but working would give you both structure to your days.

Where I do think YABVVVVU and unhealthily controlling is to have decided that it is immature for him to still have his friends from school and that you want him to make new friends just because YOU want new friends. If you want new friends, go and make them - and you have a right to spend time with them while your DH does parenting duties. However, he has the same right to spend time with the long-standing friends he likes. He shouldn't have to throw away friendships just because you haven't bothered to make friends. Both parts of a couple need friends.

Aaaahfuck · 17/08/2018 09:39

He sounds like a child. I know that's not very constructive op.

You are not overly obsessed with 2hat is normal. He's not doing enough to be a parent. If he had a medical condition then I think it would be more legitimate and you would have to work around it as a family. However it doesn't appear to be the case.

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 09:40

Your poor Mum has your child 2 nights a week

Hmm

My mum looks after DC1 while I am at work. I’m not always home for DCs bedtime due to transport. Therefore for consistency, it’s easier for DC1 to stay at hers on the nights he is at my mums the next day. It’s not a shared custody arrangement. Both my mum and DC1 love having time together, I don’t see what is wrong with that at all? My mum is quite young and retired.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 09:42

So you have two parents, both with complex mental health issues, who produce a child with Sen and then decide it's a good idea to carry on having more children.

How utterly selfish.

Are you saying people with mental health issues shouldn’t have children? And that children with SN are somehow less than children who don’t have SN? Because that would be very ableist.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 09:43

Do either of you have a job? I can't see how paid work fits into this scenario, but working would give you both structure to your days.

He works shifts and I work part time.

OP posts:
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