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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being a dick about this?

350 replies

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 07:57

I’m 18 weeks pregnant with twins, and I’m high risk. I have complex mental health issues that include very severe anxiety.

DP insists he needs to sleep for 12 hours everyone day otherwise he feels exhausted and upset. It keeps causing arguments.

I have told DP that his sleep impacts on our lives because it stops us doing family days out, it means I have to manage DC1, who has SN, alone every morning and make the breakfasts and get ready and get organised while pregnant. It means I barely get any time with DP.

He keeps saying he will sort it and every time I bring it up I’m “nagging” which apparently makes him resistant to change and makes him less likely to sort it.

He then says I have a weird fixation on what’s “normal” and if I just accepted as a family we do things differently I would be happy.

But I am not happy. I don’t want the kind of childhood for my DCs where this happens. I come from a family where we used to get up early and go to visit castles, go for picnics, and have days out. Not waste our lives in bed. It makes me depressed and contributes to how isolated and anxious I feel.

Apparently when I mention this I am unsupportive and uncaring about his issues. He insists it’s a medical problem.

I have tried implementing household sleep schedules, letting him have a day without the dc to lie in, making him a strong coffee, but all that does is get me accused of being a control freak who wants to control his sleeping.

It’s not me is it? He’s making me doubt myself. He is being a massive dickhead isn’t it he?!

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 17/08/2018 08:45

I'm sure most parents of babies and small children would love that much sleep, or even half that haha but being a parent does mean you have a lot less sleep than you'd like, it comes with the territory. He sounds incredibly selfish.

IceCreamFace · 17/08/2018 08:46

If he literally need 12 hours sleep then he should go immediately to a sleep clinic. If he doesn't he should stop being a massively selfish twat.

SocialPiranha · 17/08/2018 08:47

He’s become aggressive to you while you’re pregnant? He needs to leave. It won’t get better. Get rid of him.

I know it’s hard to see it now but one day you will. Hopefully soon.

ArcheryAnnie · 17/08/2018 08:47

BUT, (and it's a big but), the extra sleep he wants needs to come out of "his" time, rather than "family" time, and needs to be taken in such a way that you are not being left with more than your fair share of the childcare/housework etc to do. So if he wants an extra 4 hours sleep than the expected norm, then he needs to sacrifice his free time, his gaming, his tv watching, his evenings out - not be absent for a big chunk of the morning. So 7-7 or 8-8 would be a reasonable sleep pattern for him, but 12-12 isn't, because of the impact on the family. If he needs the sleep, then he can't stay up late!

This is a very sensible comment.

He's chosen to have a family. He needs to step the fuck up, and become a decent human being. He is currently being a massive dick, and putting his own wishes (not even needs - wishes) over his responsibilities as a parent, and as a non-dickish partner.

I'm not surprised you are anxious, OP.

Neshoma · 17/08/2018 08:49

I have no answers for your current situation, but I think you should consider a good contraception after the twins are born. It seems you both have medical issues and already have one son with ADHD, your life is going to very hectic for a few years.

OP, did he want more children (as little sleep is one side effect).

Iloveacurry · 17/08/2018 08:50

Does he have a job?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 17/08/2018 08:51

Oh god wait until your twins arrive! Then you will know what tiredness is

The thing is if his condition genuinely means he needs that rest then I think you need to meet him halfway somehow

I don’t think it’s that important to be out early before 12? When you have twins then it’s going to be hard to get out the door at all

What shifts does he work? They can also play havoc with sleep

Aridane · 17/08/2018 08:53

He gets bad depression and has been suicidal before, so I don’t think it’s just low mood. He does have a psychiatrist. I’m tempted to call his psych myself but I feel like I am interfering

This puts a different slant on things. Can he go back to GP / be Re referred to pscychiatrist for a mental health review?

BarbarianMum · 17/08/2018 08:55

Sounds like you're up shit creek tbh. What on earth did you think would happen when you added more children into the mix?

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 08:57

I have no answers for your current situation, but I think you should consider a good contraception after the twins are born. It seems you both have medical issues and already have one son with ADHD, your life is going to very hectic for a few years.

OP, did he want more children (as little sleep is one side effect).

We aren’t having any more children after the twins. My pregnancies are high risk and affect my mental health.

I was the main driver for the pregnancy. He wanted children but would have waited longer between them but I didn’t want a huge gap and because I have health issues wanted to get the difficult parts over.

OP posts:
Frouby · 17/08/2018 09:02

Fuck. That. Shit.

He 'needs' 12 hours of sleep? No. He wants 12 hours of sleep. After he has spent from 8pm until 1am gaming.

My dh needs about 7 or 8 hours of sleep. He is sometimes up at 5am for work. So goes to bed at 9pm usually. I need about the same so if I have to be up by 7am I make sure I am asleep by 11pm.

It's called being an adult. When those twins arrive you are going to have 2 newborns, a toddler and a fucking man child to deal with. Get him to the GP. He either gets a diagnosis and a cure/treatment plan or he sorts it himself now.

And as for not having family days out because he doesn't get up in time, fuck off without him. Get used to being a single parent. You almost are now. A single parent with a slightly helpful teenager that pitches in when it suits them.

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 09:04

And as for not having family days out because he doesn't get up in time, fuck off without him. Get used to being a single parent. You almost are now. A single parent with a slightly helpful teenager that pitches in when it suits them.

Lol, that’s what it feels like!

I told him we are going to the park without him if he doesn’t get ready on Saturday and he said I was “being nasty”.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 17/08/2018 09:11

I grew up with a dad like this... His social life meant he often wasn't up much before midday on weekends... It was shit...

He just continually opted out of family life....
He would often get up for lunch... Go out to hobbies /catch up with work he'd missed by doing his hobbies during the week,reappear for teatime... Then be asleep in the chair...

I can't tell you what a rubbish impact it had on our family....

He prioritised his (solo/with other people) hobbies over family life....

It was shit

Booboostwo · 17/08/2018 09:15

There is no excuse for going to bed at 1am if he then needs to sleep till midday. Does he play games in the evening? If he stopped playing at 8pm he might find it easier to unwind and go to bed at 9pm, still giving him 12 hours and a reasonable waking time at 9am.

I go to bed at 9pm with the kids so I can wake up at 7am before them to walk the dogs. Something’s got to give when you need a little t of sleep and you can’t sleep through half the day leaving your partner to do all the childcare.

HelpmeobiMN · 17/08/2018 09:15

If he thinks it’s a medical issue is he seeking help for it? If he legitimately needs that amount of sleep to function then he should be seeing his GP. I suspect that if he really felt it was a medical issue he would be getting it sorted - not using it as an excuse to check out of his parenting responsibilities...

Backstabbath · 17/08/2018 09:16

One of the most ridiculous situations I've read for a while.

Pathetic.

sexnotgender · 17/08/2018 09:17

My ex husband was like this.

I remember one Christmas morning our daughter had to wait until about 11am to open her presents as he couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed. He’d have gone mental if I’d let her open them without him as that ‘wasn’t fair’. Being fair only seemed to work in one direction though. She was about 5 at the time.

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 09:18

Thank you everyone. This has reassured me that it isn’t just me. My anxiety makes me think I overreact and I don’t trust myself to make judgements so thank you.

I am going to try to talk to DP. I’ve been trying to wake him for twenty minutes but he won’t get out of bed.

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 17/08/2018 09:18

12 hours isn't normal and he needs to have the medical possibilities investigated further. I have ADHD, it has quite the opposite effect on my sleep, same for everyone else I've known with it.

He should try a sleep schedule, too much sleep can make most people feel more tired.

If there isn't a medically proven reason for it then I'm inclined to think he's just taking the piss.

supersop60 · 17/08/2018 09:18

I haven't RTFT, sorry. Yes, he's being a dick.
12 hours is not normal for anyone - there was a study very recently showing that too much sleep was as damaging to health as too little.
I'm sorry, I don't have any suggestions. There are wiser people on here than me.

sexnotgender · 17/08/2018 09:19

I think the correct medical term is lazyfuckeritis.

trojanpony · 17/08/2018 09:19

think you have to accept that you've chosen to bring three children into a very dysfunctional situation

I 100% agree with this.
he is “suicidal” at times sleeps 12 hours a day and you have “complex mental health issues”.
what on earth possessed you to go ahead with another pregnancy???

In terms of practical advice another trip to the GP should be on the cards for him, and the advice around managing his sleep around the family so 7-7 or 8-8 is a good one which he should be complying with.

Failing that I would be using two forms of contraception in the future making plans to leave.

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 09:19

I have ADHD too and it doesn’t do it to me either.

But I do think there’s something wrong because when I try to wake him it’s like he is drunk. He doesn’t drink or take drugs.

OP posts:
Broken11Girl · 17/08/2018 09:20

I'm not going to join in the slating of him, some people do have medical or mental health issues that mean they need more sleep.
I wouldn't appreciate being nagged about it and controlled and told when to get up like a naughty teen either. Why can't you make new friends by yourself? You don't need his permission. If he feels like shit he might not appreciate the idea of enforced naice couple socialising. And if he gets up at 9-12 that's not too late to go out for a family trip.
I know society thinks there's some moral virtue to being up at 6 and in bed at 8 though, sick of people who can't do this being judged as lazy Hmm
A TSH of 4 is hypothyroid by the way. The NHS is just shit at treating it. As someone with hypothyroidism it really does make you feel shit. Depression is also linked. Shift work also fucks your mental and physical health.
He does need to be proactive and get his health sorted. That's not easy when you feel exhausted though. It's not acceptable but it is understandable to do an ostrich. I'd point him to www.thyroiduk.org/ and get him to see his gP with that info and explain that he's sleeping 12 hours and this isn't really sustainable. Coming from a place of helping him, not resentment and controlling will get better results. I don't mean that in a nasty way, I've just been there and been judged when I genuinely felt like death.

PerverseConverse · 17/08/2018 09:22

Having read your other thread I feel very sorry for your existing child and the children you are currently pregnant with. What kind of life are they going to have when use your "complex mental health issues" (a phrase you have adopted after it was suggested on your other thread, rather than an actual diagnosis) to stamp your feet to get your own way ("I've got a needle phobia but am ok with it as long as I have my blood taken by a certain someone in a certain place and the hospital are being unreasonable in not letting me dictate how, where and who takes my blood") and your DP won't get his lazy arse out of bed. It's likely from what you've said that he's not going to be getting up with the babies and will not cope when you're in hospital because he'll be caring for dc1 and have to get up with him/her. When I didn't have children I "needed" 12 hours sleep. This was partly due to chronic pain and the opiates I took to control it. Since having children I've learnt to cope on 3-7 hours. I still need opiates 4 times a day for chronic pain. 3 hours was the early days with a newborn as a single mum. Now that ds is 3 he might sleep in if I'm lucky and I might get 8 hours once in a blue moon. The point is that when you're a parent you have to grow up and face your responsibilities.

I'd be very worried about how life will be once the babies arrive. I think you need to have some kind of plan in place. I'd send him to the GP for a start but as a health care professional I don't know of any doctor that would agree that 12 hours sleep is a medical need. Pretty sure you've posted about that before a few months back and was told then that it's not normal. I really hope for the sake of your children that you both manage to sort yourselves out.