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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being a dick about this?

350 replies

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 07:57

I’m 18 weeks pregnant with twins, and I’m high risk. I have complex mental health issues that include very severe anxiety.

DP insists he needs to sleep for 12 hours everyone day otherwise he feels exhausted and upset. It keeps causing arguments.

I have told DP that his sleep impacts on our lives because it stops us doing family days out, it means I have to manage DC1, who has SN, alone every morning and make the breakfasts and get ready and get organised while pregnant. It means I barely get any time with DP.

He keeps saying he will sort it and every time I bring it up I’m “nagging” which apparently makes him resistant to change and makes him less likely to sort it.

He then says I have a weird fixation on what’s “normal” and if I just accepted as a family we do things differently I would be happy.

But I am not happy. I don’t want the kind of childhood for my DCs where this happens. I come from a family where we used to get up early and go to visit castles, go for picnics, and have days out. Not waste our lives in bed. It makes me depressed and contributes to how isolated and anxious I feel.

Apparently when I mention this I am unsupportive and uncaring about his issues. He insists it’s a medical problem.

I have tried implementing household sleep schedules, letting him have a day without the dc to lie in, making him a strong coffee, but all that does is get me accused of being a control freak who wants to control his sleeping.

It’s not me is it? He’s making me doubt myself. He is being a massive dickhead isn’t it he?!

OP posts:
Di11y · 17/08/2018 08:06

What time does he go to bed? If he needs 12 hours it should be 8.30 latest to fit in with children. Maybe later a couple of times a week so you have an evening with him.

Jeezoh · 17/08/2018 08:06

If he needs to sleep to the point it impacts on his ability to function as a “normal” adult, I’d be making him make a drs appointment. Otherwise, he’s being unbelievably selfish.

AnyFucker · 17/08/2018 08:07

So when the twins arrive he plans on still getting his 12 hours uninterupted sleep ?

You will be seeing to them as well as your other dc ?

You will be exhausted and a prime candidate for PND and his immaturity and selfishness will be a major contributing factor. Is this your template for a relationship ?

Chuggachuggatoottoot · 17/08/2018 08:07

Yes sounds very selfish and immature tbh. Don't put up with being unhappy.

Di11y · 17/08/2018 08:07

And he is hugely selfish if he doesn't see a gp about underlying reasons and try to fix it. It's not normal.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 17/08/2018 08:07

He sounds selfish and inflexible

Make friends with whom you like, don't have "dinner parties"

What is the supposed medical.issue that requires 12 hrs sleep? If he d i es have a genuine issue he is not bu, if if it is some selfdiagnosed imaginary thing then yanbu!

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 08:07

He did have his thyroid checked after I nagged him and I think it was 4 point something which was the high normal I believe? I also made him do a urine dip stick for glucose as his dad is diabetic but it came up clear.

He works shifts which I think has an effect but he was like this before the shifts. He manages to wake up for work which amazes me Hmm

OP posts:
sexnotgender · 17/08/2018 08:08

Ah cross posts. I bet he’s a gamer too.

Sorry OP but he sounds like a total loser.

Ariclock · 17/08/2018 08:11

He's going to get a big shock when the twins arrive then. Can you go to nct classes? It will help with making mum friends and give you more of a support network than you have at the moment

paintinmyhairAgain · 17/08/2018 08:11

you say 'has depression sometimes' is this refering to a low mood which last a few days or a couple of weeks or full blown depression which can last months and def. needs medication. there is a massive difference between low mood and actual depression. i have rapid cycling bi polar and on low mood days i felt very tired until i was prescribed mood stabilisers and anti depressants

RandomMess · 17/08/2018 08:12

Keep complete loser especially if he is just in bed and not actually asleep!!!! He needs to forgo his leisure time to help out with the DC it's called being a parent...

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 08:13

*I bet he’s a gamer too.
Lol bullseye. To be fair, also enjoy games but don’t act like a total fanny.

He gets bad depression and has been suicidal before, so I don’t think it’s just low mood. He does have a psychiatrist. I’m tempted to call his psych myself but I feel like I am interfering.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 08:14

I also enjoy games*

OP posts:
Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 08:15

I asked him to take a bottle to DC1 last night at 3am because I’ve hurt my shoulder (I fell over recently and landed awkwardly and really injured myself, twins luckily fine) and he did it but then was really aggressive and shouted at me for an hour about how dare I disturb his sleep Hmm

He’s not normally aggressive. But was last night.

OP posts:
FatCow2018 · 17/08/2018 08:16

He sounds like a lazy twat and I wouldn't tolerate it. These twins are going to behard work so I'd br telling him to sort his shit out right now or move out, its not like he's useful to you. You need to stop enabling his behaviour and get rid if he can't sort it out.

FatCow2018 · 17/08/2018 08:18

Just seen your update! Tell him to go and not come back until he stops acting like a 13 year old- if at all. Absolute tosser.

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 17/08/2018 08:18

He insists that if he has to put up with my anxiety and ADHD, but I don’t give the same allowance to his sleep, it’s unfair because “they’re all illnesses.”

I should add my anxiety is so severe I was previously awarded DLA and ESA for it, so I’m not talking about nervousness, I have clinical severe anxiety...

OP posts:
ResistanceIsNecessary · 17/08/2018 08:18

So it's necessary for him to have an evening but not necessary for him to pull his arse out of bed in the morning and parent his children and spend time with his pregnant and high risk partner?

How on earth are you going to manage when you have twin newborns plus your existing DC and His Lordship is still snoring away in bed? Is this how you really want to live your life and for your children to grow up thinking that this is what a relationship should look like? One person runs themselves into the ground whilst the other lazes about?

You don't have one child - you have two, with another two on the way. Are you going to tell this loser to pull his finger out and start acting like a grownup or you'll turf him out? If not then I wish you the very best of luck because you are going to need it.

fourandnomore · 17/08/2018 08:20

Agree with pp but really just wanted to say that you need to get this sorted before your twins arrive. I have twins who are now 2 but the first 12-18 months were hard, I have two older kids as well and if my dh had not been fully on board and hands on we wouldn’t have got through it. It is emotionally exhausting as well as physically, especially during the night! He needs to be there for you, seriously. You would be better off doing it alone than with someone who isn’t. This sounds harsh but the resentment would be horrific if you did not have support during that time. It is amazing having twins though whatever happens, congratulations! So much fun to come Smile

pasturesgreen · 17/08/2018 08:21

I do understand, in a way, the need to sleep very long. I'm grumpy, irritable and moody if my sleep is interrupted, I do feel I'm a better version of myself if I've slept at least 10 hours and it's a fact that there are people who need more sleep than others...BUT I'm single and don't have any children, so my sleeping patterns don't impact anyone apart from me.

Your DP sounds like a monumental knob who's found a convenient excuse to opt out of family life. You knew how he was, why are you having more children with him?

ResistanceIsNecessary · 17/08/2018 08:21

Just seen your update. Has he seen a GP about his sleeping? Has he a diagnosed condition where 12 hours of sleep every night is agreed as medically necessary?

Thought not.

Having MH problems doesn't stop you being an abusive dickhead. It just means you are an abusive dickhead who also has MH issues. It doesn't give you a free pass to act like a cunt and expect the world to give you a free pass.

The more you write about him, the more it sounds like he needs to pack his stuff and take his "sleeping illness" somewhere else.

Fairylea · 17/08/2018 08:22

I think you would feel better off without him. He’s behaving like a child.

Booboostwo · 17/08/2018 08:22

12 hours every night is very unusual. I need what I think is a lot of sleep, but that’s 9 hours to function well. With the kids I can survive on 7 hours but occasionally need to crack for 10.

I think he needs to see a doctor to rule out a physical or psychological problem. If all is well he needs to start getting used to functioning on less sleep. When the baby comes he will need to do a lot more with DC1, but even aside from that 12 hours are not enough time in a day to get things done if you work full time and have two DCs.

AutumnGrace · 17/08/2018 08:22

Yes he is being so unreasonable! My ex did this - lay in bed as he needed sleep because he had stayed up so late the night before. It used to frustrate me so much as I did bath and bed and then up again at 6.30 to do mornings and breakfast and get ready for childminder! He worked from home three days a week and would be difficult if I didn't make him coffee before I left.

He used to play with DD when awake but would get annoyed if he had her for too long, never did any of the real work around the house. I think he liked the idea of being a dad but too selfish to do it!

I had to leave him in the end!

FatCow2018 · 17/08/2018 08:22

Its clinically proven that too much sleep is harmful to health and increases risks of various debilitating and fatal illnesses.

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