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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother has disowned me

228 replies

expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 10:24

Hi guys!

First time posting on here but really need some help and advice. I am 34 weeks pregnant with a little boy and excited to get started but also terrified.

Two weeks ago my mother decided that she wanted to be in the room with me for the birth. I hadn't planned on this and had been planning for it just to be me and DH. He feels very uncomfortable around my mother as she has very strong opinions about things and doesn't think he's good enough for me. I hesitated when she began talking about being in the room because I just want to relax, chill out, be with DH and I thought perhaps she could be in the hospital in case I DO need her in there at some point.

However, since I did not immediately whole heartedly agree with the utmost enthusiasm that she would be in the room; she has now decided to cut me, my husband and the new baby out of her life completely. She has cancelled a trip away that we were having, has ignored me for two weeks and says things like 'perhaps your husbands mother can be in the room with you'.

I am devastated as I am very scared about the birth and my options have been 'have me in the room or don't have me in your life at all'.

Can I do this without her? I am so scared. Did any of you have your mothers in the room? Have I really messed up here?

Thank you in advance for your advice

xox

OP posts:
Peakypush · 16/08/2018 10:39

I always find it weird when people think they have an entitlement to view another person giving birth.

It's the most undignified process imaginable - which means NO ONE should have any say whatsoever in who can be there except the woman going through it.

I love my mum and we're very close but I never considered having her there either, just DP and to be honest I would have preferred just me and the midwife as I'm a very private person and hated the fact that DP would witness me pooing myself Blush.

Suffice to say OP, you're mother is a cruel cow to be so horrible to her pregnant daughter. I'd just ignore her for now, don't give in - she's trying to control you and guilt you in to a situation you don't want when you're vulnerable. She'll come crawling back when the baby is born.

Put her out of your mind and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy Flowers

Knittedfairies · 16/08/2018 10:40

Of course you can do this without her. In fact, maybe you should do this without her! It’s not her place to dictate that she is there in the delivery room with you. Honestly I think every new mother is scared about giving birth - you’re not alone in that. You will be surrounded by people who actually know what they’re doing.
Stand firm. By cutting herself off from you she has more to lose than you do; call her bluff.

NicoAndTheNiners · 16/08/2018 10:40

Don't have her there, don't let her bully you. She's sulking as she hasn't got her way. She'll come round though you might want to use the opportunity to reassess her position in your life.

She sounds like a total narc. Get on the stately homes thread.

MissMarplesKnitting · 16/08/2018 10:42

Think you've had a lucky escape OP. I'd have no contact with her from now onwards. Including with this new baby. She sounds like a nasty, manipulative woman who you may be best distancing yourself and your children from before she causes you all more heartache.

She's made her bed, let her lie in it.

Iamoutragedetc · 16/08/2018 10:42

Stand firm. If you give in she'll be doing this every time she doesn't get her own way.

User12879923378 · 16/08/2018 10:42

I thought before my daughter was born that I would be leaning on my (very kind, very laid back) mum for advice. In fact I haven't really asked her anything. Parenting advice has changed a lot in the last 20-40 years. I know you feel like you need her to help you but you really don't. You only need her to be kind and supportive and if she can't do that she is not going to be of any use to you at all.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 16/08/2018 10:44

I’m sure this is not the first unreasonable demand she has made of you. Let it be the last.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 16/08/2018 10:45

It's totally normal to just want your DH with you. It's not reasonable of your mother to expect to be there. Not at all. Also, very cruel of her to cause you unhappiness and stress at this time.

Don't contact her. Let this be the moment you put yourself back in control of the relationship. She will contact you at some stage, no doubt. Probably when she realizes her tantrum has not worked.

Good luck OP. You can do it. Thanks

chickenowner · 16/08/2018 10:46

What ridiculous, attention seeking behaviour.

She is waiting for you to apologise on bended knee and beg her to attend the birth.

Do not cave. You have done nothing wrong and I agree with many PP that you will all do much better without someone like this in your lives.

thecatsthecats · 16/08/2018 10:46

Do you honestly think that this manipulative and selfish woman would have the wits or empathy to put you first in the hospital?

She's trying to control you by threatening to withdraw her love, which should be unconditional. Think about the little boy you're about to have, and whether you'd ever do that to him. No? Then there's your answer as to what a bitch she's being.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/08/2018 10:47

I would have hated my Mum in with me, and I wouldn't want to be in with my daughter while she was in so much pain. Stay strong and don't give in to this tantrum, focus on your baby and your partner.

chrisinthesun · 16/08/2018 10:47

God she sounds awful. I would go NC if my mother had been that bad.

Sorry you are suffering this OP, and good luck to you on your upcoming motherhood. Flowers

LellyMcKelly · 16/08/2018 10:47

Your mothers behaviour is appalling. Your baby, your birth, your rules. I’d let her kick her heels. The minute she hears about the birth she’ll be all over you like a rash.

Makemineboozefree · 16/08/2018 10:47

She is being a horrible, manipulative cow, YADNBU and you haven't messed up. Who delivers an ultimatum like that when their daughter is nervous as it is about giving birth? Let her stew: don't contact her at all and concentrate on enjoying the final stage of your pregnancy with your DH, who sounds like he clearly has the measure of her. Like others have said, I think you've had a lucky escape: if she's like this now, what will she be like when the baby arrives?

UpstartCrow · 16/08/2018 10:50

She is being nasty, manipulativem and trying to make your pregnancy and birth all about her.

Have you read the stately homes threads?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3123281-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/08/2018 10:51

Absolutely do NOT give in to your self-centred deranged mother!

Would it be correct to say that her "very strong opinions about things" manifest as ordering you about and trying to run your life as if you were still a small child who knows nothing? You don't need this nonsense, and the fact that she's behaving in this way shows just how little she cares for your welfare.

Please, take this God-given opportunity to cut her right out of your life before she ruins those precious early months with your baby. Because she'd just order you about and have you in tears, wouldn't she? You are an adult, something she will never acknowledge, and can do as you damned well please.

Growing up with this shitty behaviour from her, you are likely to be suffering from Fog - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. You'll find lots of info on t'internet about this, you might find it enlightening, and help to bolster you against her manipulative behaviour.

And maybe open a thread on the Relationships board - there's a lot of people there who have experienced this kind of crap from their mother, and they can give you good practical advice on dealing with her.

So -
"Can I do this without her?" - Yes, absolutely you can do this.
"Did any of you have your mothers in the room?" - No, just DH.
"Have I really messed up here?" - Absolutely not - but she has.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/08/2018 10:51

If this is how she reacts when you didn't immediately agree to what she wanted then you absolutely do not want her there when you are having a baby. The last thing you need is someone putting you under pressure to accept their suggestions when you are in labour.

DH was with me for DS1. However he had just come off a long shift and my labour started late in the evening at one point he curled up on one of the floor mats and fell asleep. The MW put a blanket over him Grin and we woke him up when things got more interesting.

I laboured on my own with DS2 as he was a couple of weeks early in the summer and our childcare options for DS1 were on holiday.

It really was fine. You will manage without your DM I suspect she might not have been as supportive as you would have hoped.

AlaskanSnow · 16/08/2018 10:52

I only had the midwives in, and DH made it for the last 20 mins.
You don't NEED your Mum in there and it sounds as though she wouldn't be the most supportive in any case.

You've got this.

And I agree with PP about not backing down otherwise she will always behave terribly. She wants to be part of your life, then she has to treat you with respect.

ReservoirDogs · 16/08/2018 10:53

Just say to her Mum when you raised this I thought you were joking. Seriously of course MIL won't be there just DH and me - like everyone else does. Be assured as soon as there is any news we will be in touch!

The lighter you make of it the more she will realise she is being a twat and after all she won't NOt want to see the baby.

ReplicateThis · 16/08/2018 10:54

Fucking hell she's rude. She has no right whatsoever to be in the room with you. Crazy that she thinks she does!

I think by not speaking to/disowning you she's done you a massive favour.

Singlenotsingle · 16/08/2018 10:54

What a silly woman (her, not you). Just leave her to stew in her own juice. She's made the decision for you - just let her go.

Happygummibear · 16/08/2018 10:55

Wow your mum sounds like a peach!

When I was in labour I was put on ward for a few hours..my mum stayed with me while dh went home for a shower (had been a long 3 days already) and she was around while I was having contractions. But I wouldn't want her there for the gory stuff. However dh did text her to let her know what was happening no matter the time of night.

It's up to you who you have in the room but it should be a choice not forced on you.

Everyone's relationships with their mums is different and everyone's dps are different. But if you have a supportive dh who you know can deal with possible sleep deprivation and making decisions then stick to your guns. But if you think he needs support as well as you then let her be ther

pointythings · 16/08/2018 10:55

The only person who decides who is with you in labour is you. I am willing to bet your mother is controlling in other ways - am I right? Now is the time to stand up to her, set firm, clear boundaries and enforce them. She can put up or shut up - you are an adult and in charge of your own life. If that means she doesn't see her new grandson, that's entirely on her.

Cutietips · 16/08/2018 10:55

The most important thing when you’re giving birth is to have people who are there to support you and not make it about them! Your mother is trying to make the birth of YOUR child about HER.

Honestly don’t go to her trying to make her come round. She’s being totally unreasonable and if you give in on this, she’ll continue to have tantrums to get her own way.

You can do this with your supportive husband and the professional staff.

She has probably made you become an anxious person by undermining your confidence. It’s really unhealthy for a parent to ‘have very strong opinions about things’ because what that really means is not allowing others to have any opinions at all and ensure they always get their own way by threats and punishments of those who dare to defy them (i.e. do what they want to do with their own lives).

Stompythedinosaur · 16/08/2018 10:55

You've had a lucky escape!

Having her in the room would lead to her overriding every decision once your baby is here. Extended family are nice, but you don't need anyone except your dh and your little one.

You actually have all the power in this situation! Don't let her steamroller you!