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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother has disowned me

228 replies

expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 10:24

Hi guys!

First time posting on here but really need some help and advice. I am 34 weeks pregnant with a little boy and excited to get started but also terrified.

Two weeks ago my mother decided that she wanted to be in the room with me for the birth. I hadn't planned on this and had been planning for it just to be me and DH. He feels very uncomfortable around my mother as she has very strong opinions about things and doesn't think he's good enough for me. I hesitated when she began talking about being in the room because I just want to relax, chill out, be with DH and I thought perhaps she could be in the hospital in case I DO need her in there at some point.

However, since I did not immediately whole heartedly agree with the utmost enthusiasm that she would be in the room; she has now decided to cut me, my husband and the new baby out of her life completely. She has cancelled a trip away that we were having, has ignored me for two weeks and says things like 'perhaps your husbands mother can be in the room with you'.

I am devastated as I am very scared about the birth and my options have been 'have me in the room or don't have me in your life at all'.

Can I do this without her? I am so scared. Did any of you have your mothers in the room? Have I really messed up here?

Thank you in advance for your advice

xox

OP posts:
Mummybearpeanut · 16/08/2018 17:43

Hello oh bless you .Don't get me started on controlling mum's.well done for sticking to your guns and you've not messed up at all .you've your own family unit let her get on with her toddler tantrum.sometimes it's less hassle having controlling people around xxx

SylvanianFrenemies · 16/08/2018 17:48

Stay strong @expectantmummy87

If you back down over this, you are giving her licence to run your life. Get yourself over to the relationships board for support in dealing with difficult parents.

BTW I did not have my (nice, loving) mum at my births. I'm sure she'd have jumped at the chance. However she never made me feel awkward about my decision and was happy to wait for a phonecall from my partner after the birth. That's a normal way for parents to behave - for comparison.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/08/2018 17:51

I bet you anything that it won’t be long before your brother tries to push you into submitting to your Mum. He’ll tell you it’s because it’s the right thing to do or that you’re the selfish one, but the real reason will be that, with you out of the way, more of her bonkersness will be focused on him.

So if he says “you’re upsetting Mum” remind yourself that what he’s really saying is “Mum is annoying me and I want her to go back to annoying you instead.”

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/08/2018 17:57

expectantmummy87 it's great that you're starting to gather confidence, but please don't imagine you'll influence your DM with accounts of what others do

The whole point about narcissists is that they don't care what everyone else thinks, says or does - only themselves. IME it's not something they're likely to change, so you're back with the old saying: "you can do nothing about other peoples' actions, only your own response to them"

wafflyversatile · 16/08/2018 17:58

Well, from what I've heard, giving birth doesn't allow for much relaxing and chilling out, but however hard it is, it will be much easier without her there than with her there!

Making your own little family is a good time to start setting some boundaries and sticking to them. When she decides she wants to see the baby make sure it is on your terms, not hers. She's the one who will lose the most if she doesn't adhere to them.

HeebieJeebies456 · 16/08/2018 18:11

I usually bend to what she wants as it's not worth the 'punishment'
She's only doing this to scare/guilt trip you into submitting to her - so don't fall for it.
She's not going to stay away, not now she will have a grandchild and vulnerable parent to bully and harass.

I have made huge life decisions based around the sole target of keeping my mother happy. Silly really as that happiness never lasts.
Don't ever do this again - no matter how big or 'small' the issue.
You have to stand up to her from now on, set strong boundaries and be prepared to follow through with consequences when she breaks them.

You can't let her abuse you when you're vulnerable post birth, or when you're finding your feet as a new parent/enjoying this period......you also can't allow her to transfer her abuse onto your dc or use dc as a pawn in her games.

Xocaraic · 16/08/2018 18:11

Yes, you can do this. Women all over the world give birth every day without their Mother in the room. It is perfectly manageable.

Does she realise you get to choose? Does she realise that if you have an emergency C section, she won't be allowed in?

I would let her know, as kindly as possible, that you love her and want her to play a part in your life and that if her new grandchild and she is welcome to the hospital (or wherever the birth happens) once you and baby's Dad have had a little time as unit to get acquainted.

You need to start as you mean to continue. Any precedent now will run through you family life FOREVER. This about that.

You don't have to be rude, you can say things kindly, you can say no and not elaborate. But pull on your 31 year old big girl pants now and start as you mean to continue.

wikedminx · 16/08/2018 22:25

My mum was with me when I was in labour with my son, as well as my then husband. My dad popped in and out during the 20 hours!! and even bought me a get well card! (dad has a very daft sense of humor - but it did make me laugh!)
I had asked my mum to be with me, as had my brother n sis in law 4 years before.

I was so glad to have her with me as i wasnt very well, due to a reaction to morphine, and then problems with epidural. I was in the end alone for the delivery as I had forceps in theatre and even (now ex) hubby wasnt allowed in!!

When I had my 2nd, mum was looking after my son, and with 3rd, she was looking after both son and daughter no.1.
I did wish I had her for the others! with 2nd ex was stressing more about his ewes lambing than me! and with 3rd was worried about some first time calving cows.. the joys of being a farmers wife!

Chalady · 16/08/2018 22:30

I had a friend from work during labour and not a minutes help since that day from.anyone.

Years & years later, I am still managing single handed.

You can do this with DH.

KioreWahine · 16/08/2018 23:27

I had similar concerns about having kids OP and put it off for a long time.

In reality, I have no problems loving DD unconditionally. She's a great wee kid and I have a normal amount of patience with her. We are well bonded and she thinks I'm the best thing eva.

What did become clear was how crap my mother is with small children. DD is a mini me and most people say lovely things about her. Apart from my mother.

It has cast my childhood in a very different light. Perhaps I wasn't an awful kid who made her life difficult. I can be protective of DD in ways I can't for myself. Be prepared for a bit of soul searching - but it will be worth it. Flowers

HerRoyalNotness · 16/08/2018 23:45

Oh you poor thing. It sounds like having your mother out of your life. At least for the moment is he best thing all round.

I have a similar mother, who thought she owned me and could make all my decisions. One stupid, memorable even lead to another one of her not speaking to me phases, was this: she walked into my work in another city 90mins from her home and before even greeting me said “why did you do THAT to your hair” (I’d had a perm, lol) I replied icily, “because I felt like it”. She turned heel and walked out. Didn’t talks to me for months!! Needless to say we have been NC for 11yrs now and I feel relief (except when I visit my home country (rare) and sorry I will bump into her).

That’s no way to live and I’m sure you will feel peace when you remember it’s her making and you are your own person. I’ve had 4 DC without her in my life, incl an EMCS and a tragedy, I didn’t need her and you don’t need your mum either.

Best of luck!

Heighwayqueen · 17/08/2018 10:45

I had my mum in with me with my first, but only because I asked her to be. She didn't assume she would be.

Original poster
expectantmummy87 · 17/08/2018 13:16

Thank you for all your fantastic support, advice and comments everyone!

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 17/08/2018 13:32

I hope you are feeling better!
Another consideration in all this is your husband. She sounds like the MIL from hell, and you sound very kind and loving, however expecting your husband to put up with her abuse and invasiveness because you can’t face the consequences of saying no to her is not very loving and kind towards him. You are punishing the good guy to protect yourself from the bad guy.
It’s very likely your mother will want to be the boss of your baby when it comes and that will come at your expense but perhaps even more at your husband’s expense as he is not as physically entwined with the newborn as you are likely to be, and he is not the patient who has given birth and whose wellbeing be monitored by hcps.
Neither you nor your husband will get this precious time with this baby again, don’t let her spoil it for either of you, it could have far-reaching consequences for your mental health and your relationship. The first weeks and months are miraculous but also raw and shattering, you need supportive people around you but also space to find your feet as new parents. I can’t see your mother going along with this. She is not normal, not even normal as domineering mothers go. She’s appalling 💐

Korvalscat · 17/08/2018 13:46

Can I do this without her?

Until your dm decided that she wanted to be at the birth, you were already planning to do it without her and seemingly completely comfortable with that decision. Don't let her make you doubt yourself.

Hope everything goes well Flowers

Original poster
expectantmummy87 · 17/08/2018 14:10

Thank you LightDrizzle!

Korvalscat; you're right! I was planning to do it without her but then aIso knew she would be in the hospital.. just in case. But she's taken that option away from me for being selfish so now she won't be anywhere near before, during or afterwards.

I could see this as a blessing. It's just difficult through all the fog. I wanted her to hold him after my husband, despite everything I still wanted to give her that I think she deserves that. But she is and all or nothing person. Black and white. If she's not in the room, on her terms, then she's not in bubbas life at all.

Crazy hey.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 17/08/2018 14:25

Totally batshit of her. I am so glad, for your sake, that you are not submitting to her. You have suffered a lifetime of her emotional abuse and manipulation, so it will be really hard to say NO MORE, but absolutely vital that you do.
If she can't accept your right to only have your DH at the birth of the child created by you two then you will be much better off emotionally without her in your lives.
I can only imagine how difficult this is for you, but can imagine if she gets her own way she is going to be an absolute nightmare when the baby is here. She must be stopped in her controlling NOW before it is too late

piscis · 17/08/2018 15:34

Your mum has psychological problems...

DMCWelshCakes · 17/08/2018 16:11

When I gave birth to DC my role was that if you weren't there at the conception and weren't part of the medical team then you had no business being in the delivery suite.

First time around I have a long winded & difficult birth with post partum complications, so I called my parents to come and stay the day after we got home from the hospital. They did nothing for my baby; they looked after theirs, I.e. me (And DH).

Second time around my dad drove me to the hospital as DH was at work closer to the hospital than we were & I needed urgent monitoring. DM stayed at home with DC1. As soon as DH met up with us my DDad went home.

Again, they looked after us after the birth while we looked after DC.

I'm so sorry that your mother is inadequate. I hope you can see from the above what a loving parent does and how yours is very different.

You've got this. You really can do it, OP. And it's vital that you tell her to jog on now.

Good luck!

ImAIdoot · 17/08/2018 18:11

I had a similar thing with DF and my first. The topic was different but the result the same.

In a way it was a blessing, because shortly after DF disowning me and DD over the phone as I was going in to hospital, I was holding my beautiful baby and knowing I would literally walk through fire for her.

The difference was so stark, it really brought home yo me just how narcissistic and devoid of love you have to be to walk away from your child at a time like that.

HolidayModeMum · 17/08/2018 18:28

I did have my mum and dh with me but not because she insisted!!!
I had planned a home birth but due to complications it didn't happen. Mum was a tremendous support through a difficult pregnancy and it seemed natural to have her there. I was only in the delivery suite for 15 minutes before DC was born through!!!!

coconutpie · 17/08/2018 18:36

You should be counting this as a blessing. Your mother is batshit and toxic, you don't want to have somebody that horrible in your baby's life. Cut her out of your life. After the way she has treated you, you need to protect your son from her nasty disgusting behaviour. She will only emotionally abuse and gaslight him the way she does to you. So use this as an opportunity to cut her out of your lives completely.

LeighaJ · 17/08/2018 21:53

@expectantmummy87

Your mother is absolutely toxic and sounds like she's spent her entire life trying to break you down and make you dance to her tune or she'll withhold love. The person you've described though in my honest opinion is not truly capable of love.

Your mother will not change because she doesn't want to and there's every chance she'll try to recreate with your child what she did to you.

I don't always advise NC, but with her I definitely would. Once the baby is born she'll probably try to weasel her way back in. For your sake and your child's I hope you don't let her.

ohfourfoxache · 17/08/2018 23:04

I’m afraid you probably need to look at getting help urgently.

Not only are you going to have to protect yourself but you will also need to protect your child from her.

Please, can you try to seek counselling? Or at the very least read toxic parents? You might also benefit from looking at information on the freedom programme

ApproachingATunnel · 18/08/2018 09:59

I reckon your delivery will be much easier without this manipulative excuse of a mother in the room.
It is odd you even consider IF you are able to do this without her. Of course you can. I suspect you have been brought up to depend on her and believe you are not fully capable if functioning without her help and advice.
What a nasty cow.