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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother has disowned me

228 replies

expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 10:24

Hi guys!

First time posting on here but really need some help and advice. I am 34 weeks pregnant with a little boy and excited to get started but also terrified.

Two weeks ago my mother decided that she wanted to be in the room with me for the birth. I hadn't planned on this and had been planning for it just to be me and DH. He feels very uncomfortable around my mother as she has very strong opinions about things and doesn't think he's good enough for me. I hesitated when she began talking about being in the room because I just want to relax, chill out, be with DH and I thought perhaps she could be in the hospital in case I DO need her in there at some point.

However, since I did not immediately whole heartedly agree with the utmost enthusiasm that she would be in the room; she has now decided to cut me, my husband and the new baby out of her life completely. She has cancelled a trip away that we were having, has ignored me for two weeks and says things like 'perhaps your husbands mother can be in the room with you'.

I am devastated as I am very scared about the birth and my options have been 'have me in the room or don't have me in your life at all'.

Can I do this without her? I am so scared. Did any of you have your mothers in the room? Have I really messed up here?

Thank you in advance for your advice

xox

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 16/08/2018 11:33

I assume this awful woman has form for being so spiteful and manipulative? This isnt out of character for her?

If so then I would send her one more message along the lines of
"I do not appreciate your behaviour, I will not tolerate it. If you wish to try and make amends then the ball is in your court, but I will not be contacting you again"

Ignoramusgiganticus · 16/08/2018 11:34

Most people don't have their mum there. If you give in on this then she'll use the same tactic all the time to override your wishes.

Original poster
expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 11:35

Thank you for all your support everyone.

This has been a constant theme running through my life for 31 years so it's my own fault really. It has included things I wear, partners I have, things I say, career choices I make, where I live... I usually bend to what she wants as it's not worth the 'punishment' but this is something quite big and I wanted to think about my partner and his feelings as this is quite special for him and he is very excited.

I suppose I just think to the future when times get a little tough and it'll be 'I told you so' rather than 'I'm here for you' and that's sad and scary. I'm not a malicious person; I just know what's best for me deep down as everyone does.

OP posts:
Ignoramusgiganticus · 16/08/2018 11:36

Tell her that when she's prepared to be reasonable about it then you are happy to see her as you don't want tho fall out but that the ball is in her court.

Please don't chase after her.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/08/2018 11:38

She probably doesn't like your DP, not because he's not good enough as she claims but because he is helping you to become more independent of her and her controlling ways. In the time that you have left could you do a bit of reading about dysfunctional parental relationships? One that is often recommended on here is Toxic Parents. You will probably find that a lot of things in it ring a bell with you about your Mum and it would help you to handle her and her demands.

It's not your responsibility to put her needs first all the time. Your baby, you and your DP (in that order) are the ones who should be a priority.

sunshinesupermum · 16/08/2018 11:38

You will be absolutely fine without your vile mother in your life. This is YOUR baby and the only person needed in the delivery room is your DH.

My mother also 'cut me out of her life' when DD1 was born for different reasons. She was a narcissist and it sounds like your mother is too. For the sake of your mental health you are better off without her. Wishing you every happiness with your LO!

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 16/08/2018 11:38

She sounds unhinged and taking advantage of you at a very vulnerable time.

If this is what she gives an ultimatum over I think you are far better off being cut off by her than in her circle.

You absolutely, 100% can do this. As long as you have a supportive partner you guys will only go from strength to strength together and be proud of yourselves for coming out the other side. Speaking from experience... xx

Churrolicious · 16/08/2018 11:39

Oh OP, I'm so sorry for you getting so wound up and upset at this point in your pregnancy.

Of course you should be thinking of you and your partner (and your baby) in this situation. If she doesn't buck her ideas up before you give birth please don't give in, things will only get worse with her sense of entitlement. This is not about her. It's about you and your DP meeting your baby for the first time.

It's so rare for mothers to be in the room with the daughters while they give birth!

Rebecca36 · 16/08/2018 11:40

Your mother sounds quite unreasonable to me.

Try and make up with her if you can (though she will have to make concessions). It annoys me to think she would stress her pregnant daughter.

It's entirely possible that you will go into labour and give birth when mother isn't around anyway. That happens all the time. I hope that is the case for you.

krustykittens · 16/08/2018 11:40

Trust me, OP, when times get tough a bully is NEVER on your side and your mother is a bully. My mother was the same (we no longer speak) and when times got tough all she ever did was make thing worse. When things got better, she brought up when times were tough. Bullies don't want you to be happy. Oh, and the reason why she says your husband isn't good enough for you? That's because he makes you happy and gives you support, putting you in a good place where you will feel strong enough to stand up to her. You have already started! Congrats on your baby!

KindergartenKop · 16/08/2018 11:41

This is obviously hurtful to you, I understand that you might feel rejected by her.
However, you've dodged a bullet! It turns out she's a super control freak who sulks if she doesn't get her way! It's great to know this early on so you can avoid her.

Knittedfairies · 16/08/2018 11:42

Definitely time to take a stand OP. You’ve put up with this crap for 31 years; do you want your son to feel as you do? Your mum may pick faults with everything he does too, or bad-mouth you to him. Time for it to stop.

MistressOfTheGarter · 16/08/2018 11:42

Going against the grain a little here. Whilst your mums reaction is definately OTT, I am just a leetle bit concerned as to why she thinks your DH is not good enough for you, and why you (forgive me if I'm jumping the gun) appear to have priortised your husbands need to be there over your mums - I mean is it purely because they don't get on, and you would be uncomfortable or is it that your DH would be made uncomfortable by her prescence? The two things are different. Does she feel that the relationship with your DH has changed you?

Unless she has always been this way? Because sometimes family members can see things we can't see sometimes. And frustration can make them step away. In either case her behaviour is wrong, but its a little bit extreme which makes me wonder if there's more to it all rather than her just being a nutcase.

Sorry if I'm completely wrong.

WittyFuck · 16/08/2018 11:45

Call her bluff. Send a brief text saying that it is your choice and DH only will be in the room. Explain you will not change your mind regardless of what she says. Give instructions to the staff at the hospital not to allow her in if she turns up.
Time for you to understand that you are in the power position here. You are 31 and just about to be a mum- stand up for yourself now or your kiddies will be treated the same as you.
I don’t for a minute think she will do it though- mis out on being a grandma and leave the field to your MIL?Not a chance!

gamerchick · 16/08/2018 11:48

and why you (forgive me if I'm jumping the gun) appear to have priortised your husbands need to be there over your mums

You don't think that in something like childbirth, priority should be given to the father rather than the grandmother? Confused

Hissy · 16/08/2018 11:49

it would NEVER occur to me to have my mother in the room for the birth of my kids! that's WEIRD.

this is where your journey begins, youre becoming a parent, now you will see how fucked up the relationship with your mother really is.

What you want and don't want is your decision at all times - people don't have to like it, they can have their say over their own lives, not yours.

You are going to be SO much better off without her in your life.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 16/08/2018 11:50

Definitely agree that she’s toxic. She’d get worse during child’s life imo and best away from you all.

Mincingfuckdragon · 16/08/2018 11:51

I had my mum in the room for my first birth because I was worried my husband would be a bit useless (he was, without meaning to be - he was just a bit self absorbed at that stage of his life). However, if I'd been confident in him I wouldn't have had mum there. Sounds as though you'll be fine for the birth with your husband and not your mum. Don't cave to your mum, or the next 18 years of your child's life will be filled with her having tantrums. She'll come round. You can do it. And in the very unlikely event that something goes wrong, and you want her there, you can always give your husband advance instructions to call your mum in that event (assuming she lives relatively close by).

PollyFlinderz · 16/08/2018 11:51

Ok I am going to go out on a limb here and predict that very few people on MN will have had their mums actually in the room with them!! I think that sounds really weird

I was at the birth of all 6 of my grandchildren. It was what my daughter and daughters in law wanted and that’s what they got.

At one of the births one of my daughters in law Mum was also present and it was the most beautiful experience.

PollyFlinderz · 16/08/2018 11:52

Oh and sorry - my daughter was also with me at the birth of her niece and nephew.

cameltoeflappyflapflap · 16/08/2018 11:55

Your mum is an arsehole.

This is your baby, not hers. You decide who's in the room when you give birth and not her.

If your mum is willing to cut the 3 of you out of her life over a decision you've made about who's in the room while you're giving birth, then she's not worth having in your life.

Wishicouldsleep · 16/08/2018 11:56

Oh my goodness OP your post resonates with me.

Sad

My mum was in the room with my DH in my first birth. Things were said to each other which has forever damaged our family relationships...

For my second birth she asked to be present but due to the issues last time I said that I wasn't sure as I might have an ELCS this time. (I couldn't decide whether to have a VBAC or an ELCS but in the end went with ELCS which meant only DH could be present as you are only allowed one birthing partner in theatre... A very sad reason to decide on an ELCS I know...)

I think your mum should understand your wishes that you only want DH there. She will come round. She is trying to manipulate you by 'cutting you out'.
I've realised that it's not that common to have your mum at your birth... (At the time I thought it was the done thing so I just went along with it)

thethoughtfox · 16/08/2018 11:57

Perhaps check out the Stately Homes threads for people with dysfunctional families particularly those with narcissistic parents, you will recognise this kind of behaviour and they can give great advice about dealing with this.

Neolara · 16/08/2018 11:59

Your dm is nuts. Don't have her in the room. You realise she is going to be a complete nightmare telling you what you can and can't do with your baby? Going NC for a bit until your more sure of yourself and your mothering skills is going to be a blessing in disguise.

Good luck with the birth.

pudcat · 16/08/2018 11:59

Are we going back to 16th and 17th centuries when royal births were observed by important courtiers etc? When I had my first I was on my own, dads were not encouraged to be there. When I had my second it was different but I knew he would pass out so was on my own. I managed and was not traumatised,