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Original poster

Mother has disowned me

228 replies

expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 10:24

Hi guys!

First time posting on here but really need some help and advice. I am 34 weeks pregnant with a little boy and excited to get started but also terrified.

Two weeks ago my mother decided that she wanted to be in the room with me for the birth. I hadn't planned on this and had been planning for it just to be me and DH. He feels very uncomfortable around my mother as she has very strong opinions about things and doesn't think he's good enough for me. I hesitated when she began talking about being in the room because I just want to relax, chill out, be with DH and I thought perhaps she could be in the hospital in case I DO need her in there at some point.

However, since I did not immediately whole heartedly agree with the utmost enthusiasm that she would be in the room; she has now decided to cut me, my husband and the new baby out of her life completely. She has cancelled a trip away that we were having, has ignored me for two weeks and says things like 'perhaps your husbands mother can be in the room with you'.

I am devastated as I am very scared about the birth and my options have been 'have me in the room or don't have me in your life at all'.

Can I do this without her? I am so scared. Did any of you have your mothers in the room? Have I really messed up here?

Thank you in advance for your advice

xox

OP posts:
PatheticNurse · 16/08/2018 11:59

I had no intention of my mother being with me.... she had every intention of being there as that's what all her "friend's had done". So l think it was more to say she was there (what a hero!!) and less about actually supporting me.

Also as much as my mum is great - and she truely is - she is also "it's all about me". So she'd have either have been really encouraging or she'd have been flaking over the bed wailing about how she can't cope with me in pain. No way was l going to take the risk of the 2nd one!

You need a labour that is relaxing and not stressful. If she adds stress then she doesn't attend.

I also made it VERY clear that my mother was not allowed in delivery suite as l was concerned that she would try and come anyway.

Yours and DH wishes are paramount.

Wishicouldsleep · 16/08/2018 11:59

OP do you feel on reflection that your mum has been overbearing throughout your whole life?

Mine was like this and on reflection I realise I have based a number of my life decisions on what I think would make her happy

(Splitting up with a previous partner, marrying DH, studying what I studied, buying a wedding dress she approved of, keeping my own hair long and blonde just the way she liked it...)

LagunaBubbles · 16/08/2018 12:00

This has been a constant theme running through my life for 31 years so it's my own fault really. It has included things I wear, partners I have, things I say, career choices I make, where I live... I usually bend to what she wants as it's not worth the 'punishment'

I thought there must be more to it. Your Mums tantrum isnt the sign of a normal healthy parent/child relationship. Its not surprising shes throwing a strop if shes being used to domineering and manipulating you your entire life. She has made you think you cant manage without her, whereas you are an adult and can, youre not a child anymore. Now shes panicking. Of course when something happens (as inevitably will) she will turn round and say "I told you so". Thats what these people are like. And then expect you to come running back to her with your tail between your legs. You are a grown woman whos about to become a Mother. I would seriously consider some type of therapy into discussing the pattern of your relationship with her.

SuperRandom · 16/08/2018 12:03

Omg. Your mother is insanely manipulative!
You absolutely DO NOT need her. At all.

Please do not back down on this or she will soon be telling you how to raise your own child and throwing her toys out the pram when you don't do things her way.

This needs to be where you set the boundaries down and say to her -

look, this is our child, our rules, we are doing it our way. There will only be DH there when I give birth, it is his baby and my baby and no-one else's.

LagunaBubbles · 16/08/2018 12:04

and why you (forgive me if I'm jumping the gun) appear to have priortised your husbands need to be there over your mums

Seriously? You are really asking why someone would prioritise the babies own Father wanting to be at the birth of his own child over the babies Gran?

Originalsaltedpeanuts · 16/08/2018 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kingkiller · 16/08/2018 12:07

This has been a constant theme running through my life for 31 years so it's my own fault really.

How is your mum being a controlling, manipulative cow your fault?! It's entirely her fault. And the fact that you blame yourself is also her fault!

I get on perfectly well with my DM but I would never have dreamt of having her there during childbirth. Nor would she have asked.

OVienna · 16/08/2018 12:07

OP - I have a parent like this, although the relationship has stabilised, I would say. She's never cut me out completely but we've had some rough patches. She was also hurt not to be asked to be at the birth of my first child. There is an added complication that I am adopted and she felt I should have 'given her this experience.' Her mother supported her in this view.

My experience is that the birth of the first child can be a trigger point with controlling parents. But also - it allowed me to finally assert myself as well. So it has been liberating, ultimately. It's not an easy process.

She will probably come round but also will have strong views on your child rearing, I venture.

If you've not considered a counsellor/mindfulness etc to try to manage your feelings around her this isn't a bad time to do so.

Dollius01 · 16/08/2018 12:08

OP - I was also 31 when I had my first baby and that also had to be All About My Mother. She was a total pain in the neck. In the end, the midwife clocked how uncomfortable she was making me and asked me if I wanted her to tell my mother to leave. I said yes, cue my mother crying in the corridor outside, because of course it was All About Her. I moved 500 miles away before the birth of my second child and to the Middle East before the birth of my 3rd. Have been NC with my horrible mother now for over 5 years.

SuperRandom · 16/08/2018 12:08

My mother was exactly like this...

Eventually I stood up to her.

We had over a year where we didn't speak at all.

She finally apologised and we are now slowly building up a relationship again, but this time she knows she doesn't have a say in the going on in my life.

Paddley · 16/08/2018 12:09

Like Pudcat, I had 2 babies alone, DH wasn't even in the hospital. The idea that you needed a birthing partner with you would have been considered weird. I was fine, much easier than having family around.

Time to make your bid for freedom OP, I don't for one minute believe she won't be poking her nose in later though.

HelenUrth · 16/08/2018 12:11

You poor poor thing. Your mother is a nasty vindictive bitch. However there are plenty of people here who can identify with this and support you through it.

This is not your fault. You don't deserve it. She's gone nuclear at this stage because she wants to absolutely terrify you into behaving as she wants, not just before, but especially after baby arrives. This is a tactic abusers employ, they over react so completely over the top that the victim (you, I'm afraid) is utterly scared witless at the idea of not keeping the abuser (Mummy dearest) happy. She is absolutely prepared to wreck the happiest time of your life for her own needs and wants. You need distance from her.

Someone has already suggested Toxic Parents by Susan Forward - it's not long and will clarify a lot for you. Available on Amazon Kindle for about a fiver.

Leeds2 · 16/08/2018 12:13

I think it is quite unusual for a mother to be there when her daughter gives birth. Not "odd" in any way, just not typical.
You don't want her there, so don't back down. She will certainly be expecting you to, so stand firm. It will be up to her to apologise should she wish to meet your new baby.

SuperRandom · 16/08/2018 12:14

@MistressOfTheGarter
I am just a leetle bit concerned as to why she thinks your DH is not good enough for you, and why you (forgive me if I'm jumping the gun) appear to have priortised your husbands need to be there over your mums

No-one will ever be good enough for my children, it's a natural parental reaction - how you deal with that is what makes you a decent parent - you know by stepping back and allowing your children to chose their own partner. Hmm

And I will ALWAYS prioritise my DH over any family member (the only exception being our children obviously) That is the way it should be.

Original poster
expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 12:15

MisstressOfTheGarter - I completely understand where you're coming from but no; I haven't changed. I'm in a really loving relationship with someone who doesn't suit what she had in mind for me.

In fact, she had someone in mind for me and nearly forced me into a relationship with him. Luckily that's another time that I stood my ground.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 16/08/2018 12:17

I would always priortise my DH being at the birth of his child than my mother being there.

NorthernSpirit · 16/08/2018 12:17

Your mum is a naraccistic. I strongly recommend you read up in daughters with narrasisstic mothers. Her behaviour is not normal. You need to find strategies to deal with her.

Ihatemycar · 16/08/2018 12:19

You and your DH made this baby. You'll be fine. It's scary for all of us. Also an amazing experience.
Your Mum should know better than to stress you out. If she wants to cut you out. It's up to her. Selfish and sad but ultimately her choice.
You have no option but to do this like billions of women before us.
Be scared but don't give in into tantrums. You'll see how useful that lesson will be when dealing with children.
Good luck you are going to be ok.

fuzzyfozzy · 16/08/2018 12:20

Would your mum be there to support you or take take away the experience from your dh?
Can you conceive of a point where you'd say to your child "if you don't do what I want you to, I'll disown you"
Doubt it, because it's not normal behaviour.

Flynnshine · 16/08/2018 12:21

I didn't have my Mum in the room with me when I had my DD. She hinted at it. I told her no way. It's not a place for her. She STILL makes comments about it now (and my DD is almost 8) I really don't get why some women feel it is their right to watch their daughter or DIL give birth.
Maybe it's just me but the only person I wanted in that room seeing me in that kind of vulnerable state were medical professionals and then man who contributed to putting me there in the first place!!

NRose92 · 16/08/2018 12:22

This sounds like my mum, she wants to be in the room with me, not to help and support me it would just be so she could tell people she was there..
Honestly if you don't want her there then that's entirely up to you, she's shown her maturity by doing what she's doing, just focus on you and yours she'll come creeping back when she's found her dummy

CloudPop · 16/08/2018 12:23

I have a great relationship with my mother but no way would she have been there while I was giving birth - horrible idea. She wouldn't have wanted to be there either I don't think !

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/08/2018 12:23

I will never understand this expectancy of some women to be at the birth of their grandchildren. I don't get it.

OP it's her loss. What a shame she's willing to miss out on such a special time because she can't get her own way.

You'll be fine with you DH there. Best of luck with the birth Flowers

ChasedByBees · 16/08/2018 12:25

You need to reset your relationship from parent / child to adult / adult. She thinks she can make decisions about your life for you and punishes you if you don’t yield. It will absolutely be the best thing to have control of your life while you’re trying to find your feet as a new mother.

DonutCone · 16/08/2018 12:30

I don't think many woman over the age of 15 would have their Mummy there when they gave birth.

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