Mother has disowned me

[expectantmummy87]

Hi guys!

First time posting on here but really need some help and advice. I am 34 weeks pregnant with a little boy and excited to get started but also terrified.

Two weeks ago my mother decided that she wanted to be in the room with me for the birth. I hadn't planned on this and had been planning for it just to be me and DH. He feels very uncomfortable around my mother as she has very strong opinions about things and doesn't think he's good enough for me. I hesitated when she began talking about being in the room because I just want to relax, chill out, be with DH and I thought perhaps she could be in the hospital in case I DO need her in there at some point.

However, since I did not immediately whole heartedly agree with the utmost enthusiasm that she would be in the room; she has now decided to cut me, my husband and the new baby out of her life completely. She has cancelled a trip away that we were having, has ignored me for two weeks and says things like 'perhaps your husbands mother can be in the room with you'.

I am devastated as I am very scared about the birth and my options have been 'have me in the room or don't have me in your life at all'.

Can I do this without her? I am so scared. Did any of you have your mothers in the room? Have I really messed up here?

Thank you in advance for your advice

xox

Say fine and leave her to it. I bet she comes round begging to see the baby afterwards!

Oh and no, I didn't have my mother in the room with me. I only know one person IRL who has done that, for everyone else it is just them and their partner if they have one. Mothers do not routinely attend the birth of their grandchildren.

Did your mother have her mother with her when she gave birth?

I must say, i can't imagine anything worse than having my mother there, and I get on OK with her. Like another PP, if my husband couldn't be there for any reason I would rather be on my own.

You absolutely can't give in to this, because the next thing will be her having a tantrum if she can't have the baby when she wants him, or if you don't follow her wishes with regard to feeding, potty training, or whatever. You need just to say calmly that you're sorry she feels like that, if she changes her mind about being in the baby's life the door is still open to her.

Make sure no-one tells her when you go into labour, otherwise she's liable to turn up at the hospital anyway.

You absolutely and categorically do not need your mother in the room.

You absolutely and categorically do not need this woman interfering when you're trying to cope with the first few weeks of parenting.

You absolutely completely and categorically do not need this woman undermining the father of your child, and your family decisions ever.

Enjoy your last few weeks as a couple, and good luck when the baby comes.

You've got this.

I only had dh at all 3 of my births, I love my mum and we get on well but in the moment of giving birth I only wanted my dh it was our moment and watching a baby come out of my vagina is not something I want my mother to see thank you very much.

Your Mum should be ashamed of herself for the way she’s been

God, you’ve had a lucky escape there though i appreciate it might not feel like it right now. This is supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life, so ask you’re self is she a nice person for guilt tripping you and bullying you?
No she’s not is she.
Ignore her, and don’t let her try and weasel her way back in when she realises you won’t cave.

Hand hold OP, what a shame that your mum is treating you like this at what is an anxious time for many first time mums.

It’s your baby, if you just want your partner there that’s fine and should be respected.

You can definitely do it OP, childbirth for me was much easier than I expected. Good luck OP ☘️

Wow she's being really mean!!

You're coping with all the fears of birth and preparation for your new baby and she's making it all about her!

It's very normal to just have your DH in the room- perhaps you could just lie and tell your Mum that the midwife/a doctor/some professional is a position of authority told you that it's more normal for just DH to be in the room with other family waiting outside.

She sounds absolutely ridiculous. It’s not for her to make any decisions at all about your labour. Well done for telling her no.

And then cutting you off. That’s just childish. Try to ignore her. She’ll get over herself when she realises you aren’t going to come running after her.

I am sure some people would find their mum being in the labour room with them a huge support but an awful lot more would want to be on their own with just their DP. My own mum had the unmitigated cheek to arrive in my labour room unannounced and try to send DH home for a rest. I was horrified at such a gross invasion of my privacy. Normally I roll over where she’s concerned but luckily I was sufficiently off my head with pain and pethidine to grab his hand and scream ‘ stay with me. Mum, go home!’ Over and over again.

You need someone in the room with you who will listen to you, respect your needs and help communicate with the professionals there. I highly doubt your Mother is that person - sounds like she'd force her opinions on you throughout.

I'm so sorry you are upset about this, but please remember this is her problem, not yours. She is being manipulative and childish. Ignore that behaviour. You and your DP have got this.

It sounds like this might be the first of many battles with her when it comes to your child. Stand firm, this is not about her.

Good luck xx

OP if she comes back you can tell her that you managed to conceive without her there, and so you will probably be able to see it through without her too!

Seriously, it is sad that you might have liked her there for part of the time and don't now have that choice, but I have to agree with other posters that this event has given you something to work on, whilst you have the time and energy. Many people have problems with mothers or mothers-in-law when they have just given birth and are feeling very vulnerable. There are numerous stories on here of mothers who have tried to take over after the birth and made what should be a very precious time much much more difficult.

You have had a heads up that your mother will find it very hard to respect you as the mother-to-be, as an adult in your own right, who will soon be a mother making the decisions that you and your dh feel are best for your child. Your mum is clearly an all-or-nothing person, expecting to have centre stage, and not accepting that you and your baby will now be the focus of attention, and that she should respect your parenting choices.

You will get lots of support on here for finding a way of maintaining your right to decide, and enjoying your new baby. Best of luck

I'm so sorry you are going through this

What a shitty person to do this during what is meant to be a special time.

She sounds so much like my mother. She wants to control you and she is also coping with feelings of disappointment. This is her issue not hers.

Unfortunately, all you can do is ignore her and ride it out until she has stopped throwing a strop. It's not right or fair but I have been in a similar position.

You really are better off without her. She's the loser, she's cut herself off from her grandson and her nose off to spoil her face.

What a vile, unkind, self-centered person she must be.

OP, I expect it's very painful to see such vocal criticism of your mother. However, she is in the wrong here. It's absolutely up to you who you wish to have in the room with you (or not) and she should respect that. Don't give in. Stay firm. Start as you mean to go on.

I had my mother and DH there - we are very close and I am the sort of person who wants their mummy when sick 😂🙈 so i thought i might want her there. She completely respected my boundaries (head end only! DH and I held baby first for hours until she did etc) and it was wonderful. We also had her with us for a few days at home to help out. HOWEVER this is NOT the case with you - your mother is behaving in a way which shows she is not interested in supporting you! She is only interested in herself and cutting you out at such an important time is disgraceful and shows she would not be a good birthing partner! Plus, if you don’t want her there 100%, don’t have her there - your choice.

You can do this, you do not need her in your life. What sort of mother does that, not a kind and caring one. She is nasty, manipulative and toxic. Her loss.

Just curious here-Did she have her mother in the room when you were born?

That's awful. Jealousy is ugly, and controlling. I loved my mother dearly but no way would want her at the birth, and even should she have wanted to be she would have accepted my wishes.
Hurt? I suppose.
Nose out of joint -ok.
Cut you out and ignore you - made own bed now lie in it, mate... (at least for a while!)

It seems, as the reasonable person you obviously are, that you would prefer to have a relationship with her rather than none. Keep calm. Don't do anything to inflame the situation. In fact, don't do anything but look after yourself at this incredibly special time for you. When she comes round to realising she's gone too far, as she will, have a brief but polite conversation to the effect that - you understand her feelings were hurt, but she did not take your feelings into account and made it all about her at a very special time for you both/all. This time you will forgive, but next time you will not and you would prefer that her grandchild does have a relationship with her.

Is your mum a midwife or other associated HCP? If not there is absolutely no reason for her to be in the room with you.

Even if she was she should wait to be asked and not presume that she is entitled to be in the room.

While it is unfortunate you didn't clamp down on her behaviour before it is better to do it now than later on when your child is born.

The fact that she has cut you off is her choice just ignore her. She will probably come running back to you expecting you to be sorry - please do not apologise. Make it clear that you are a separate adult with your own desires, your life doesn't revolve around her and if she wants to have a relationships with you all then her current behaviour is unacceptable.

thats outright bullying. i know its really hard but try not to let it upset you.it says all there is to know about her.

And what's to bet that if she WAS in the room, she'd demand to be the first to hold the baby - yes, even before you.

This isn't about can you do it without her, far from it. You will do it BETTER without her.

Leave her to sulk.

Be Glad She has done this now. You may feel very vulnerable after the birth and especially as he is your first you could second guess yourself a lot. Your mother would manipulate you and rode roughshod from the sounds of things believing she knows better then you and your dh.

Imagine her giving you grief and stress about:
The way you feed ds, including solids introductions
His sleeping
Your house and duties to look after her when she visits
Her wanting the baby alone
Picking him up too much

All of those i was questioned about thankfully by people who backed off from it- your mother does not strike me as the type to respect your choices.

Without the ultimatum i would wonder why she dislikes your dh but given it i suspect that you've been more confident since meeting him and perhaps he has even disagreed with her vocally, yes?

Find a support network with your dh. Friends etc. NCT and baby groups maybe. Dont allow a manipulative person to dictate your time with your son and your experiences. Set boundries now. She desperately needs them. And get your dh on board

She is interested in herself. Only a real selfish fucker would make someone else’s birth about them.

“Either I’m at the birth or I cut you off” is just blackmail. She supposedly cares so much about you/your child that she wants to be there for everything but because she can’t be at the birth, she’ll choose nothing . It doesn’t make sense. It’s just like a 3yo stamping their foot in anger.

Ignore it.

I know lots of people with young kids and not one of them had their mum in with them when they gave birth. My mum offered if I needed her but I think we were both a bit relieved when I said no thanks! (She is a worrier!)

Any midwife will tell you that births go better when the mum is calm and relaxed and with (in general) fewer people there. They teach relaxation techniques and want you to be as stress free as possible. This will help the hormones you need for labour and birth which in turn makes it go quicker and helps you deal with the pain better (this is all scientific fact not opinion). So, it doesn't make sense and isn't in you or the baby''s best interests to have an opinionated person there who doesn't get on with your birth partner who has essentially bullied and manipulated her way in, and who is definitely going to add another layer of stress and uncertainty to the situation even if she behaves.

Please do not back down on this. If you do she will start forcing those strong opinions onto you about every aspect of your child and sulking will get worse every time until you give in. This is such a horrible thing to do to someone just before the birth.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Just say no and leave it at that - don't argue or explain. And concentrate on the baby. Do some nice things to relax in the run up to the birth. You can do it all without her, you will be absolutely fine, and your partner will be there with you. Good luck