Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother has disowned me

228 replies

expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 10:24

Hi guys!

First time posting on here but really need some help and advice. I am 34 weeks pregnant with a little boy and excited to get started but also terrified.

Two weeks ago my mother decided that she wanted to be in the room with me for the birth. I hadn't planned on this and had been planning for it just to be me and DH. He feels very uncomfortable around my mother as she has very strong opinions about things and doesn't think he's good enough for me. I hesitated when she began talking about being in the room because I just want to relax, chill out, be with DH and I thought perhaps she could be in the hospital in case I DO need her in there at some point.

However, since I did not immediately whole heartedly agree with the utmost enthusiasm that she would be in the room; she has now decided to cut me, my husband and the new baby out of her life completely. She has cancelled a trip away that we were having, has ignored me for two weeks and says things like 'perhaps your husbands mother can be in the room with you'.

I am devastated as I am very scared about the birth and my options have been 'have me in the room or don't have me in your life at all'.

Can I do this without her? I am so scared. Did any of you have your mothers in the room? Have I really messed up here?

Thank you in advance for your advice

xox

OP posts:
FairNotFair · 16/08/2018 12:34

I am just a leetle bit concerned as to why she thinks your DH is not good enough for you, and why you (forgive me if I'm jumping the gun) appear to have priortised your husbands need to be there over your mums

The OP's DM's needs are completely irrelevant (so are her DH's, to a large extent!). The needs and preferences of the OP are paramount here.

MyDirtyLittleSecret · 16/08/2018 12:37

No. You are not wrong OP. She's a master manipulator from the sounds of it. Can't imagine anything worse than having my mother at the births of my children. Like your mother she's the ultimate control freak but she never asked about being in at the births. I think that's because they would have been occasions when it wouldn't have been about her and the attention of medical people in the room would more necessarily have been focused on me. She's gone nc with me many times in an effort to get her own way usually leaving my poor dad to act as mediator. I learned to just stand my ground, refuse to engage and sooner or later she'd graciously condescend to forgive and forget - not that she ever actually does either, those incidents are always there to be used as weapons the next time I do something she doesn't like.

viques · 16/08/2018 12:37

I think you need to speak to your mw on your next appointment and make sure it is clearly stated in your notes that your mother is not allowed in the delivery room, is not allowed to visit you afterwards, and under no circumstances is to be allowed to visit/see/touch the baby while you are admitted to the unit.

Sounds like overkill, but she sounds like a controlling nightmare and you need to preempt her weirdness.

diddl · 16/08/2018 12:39

I was absolutely terrified of giving birth-still never occurred to me to ask my mum though!

Would she even have been of any use?

Sounds more as if she would criticise you!

It must be awful for you right now, but don't change your mind.

You don't want/need her there.

It does sound as if she has done you a favour by making this decision now.

Hurtful as it must be-she's some poor excuse for a mother to treat you as she has & it seems to e that she would be vying with your son for your attention!

Who can be bothered with that shit??!!

CoolCarrie · 16/08/2018 12:39

Her loss, op. She sounds unhinged and nasty. You can do this with your dh beside you.

MistressOfTheGarter · 16/08/2018 12:40

I see Expectantmummy Well in that case what everyone else says with bells on then!

Oh and for the other posters who queried me I didn't mean prioritise in that way as in DH or DM at birth, more in DH feelings as opposed to DM feelings IFYSWIM.

MistressOfTheGarter · 16/08/2018 12:41

Agreed FairNotFair

Dollymixture22 · 16/08/2018 12:42

I won’t offer advice - you have got loads of wonderful comments from ladies here.

Just wanted to say that is awful. You must feel really shocked and bereft at your mums attitude. I am so sorry this is happening.

MrsSarahSiddons · 16/08/2018 12:44

Oh, she's completely nuts. It's exceptionally unusual for a mother to be there. It's for you and your partner, not her. However she's done you a huge favour because this must prove to you how manipulative and domineering she is, and if you had let her win this what would the next thing have been? Deciding about breastfeeding or not? Deciding about leaving the baby to cry itself to sleep? Deciding about weaning - when and how?
Go low contact or no contact and leave her to stew.

TheNewbieStep · 16/08/2018 12:45

Is this her usual behavior? Absolutely heartbreaking for you.

Seriously it sounds like she would be a horror to have in the room! If she thinks this is an ok way to behave then you really are better off without her. Sad but true.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/08/2018 12:48

This has been a constant theme running through my life for 31 years

Yes, I thought that would be the case, but it's certainly not your fault; maybe you've left it later than some to stand up to her properly, but her choice of behaviour is hers alone

IME the good news is that becoming a mum tends to help you focus on what really matters, so hopefully you'll find it easier than you think to finally stand your ground. Certainly you'll need to, or you'll never be free of this once a grandchild is in the picture

twiglet · 16/08/2018 12:49

Your mother is trying to manipulate you and use emotional blackmail against a pregnant woman by giving you the silent treatment.

Stick to your guns it's your and OH baby and it's your body it's incredibly important that you don't feel stressed and worried about a situation around you.

You can most definitely do this and do not cave into her behaviour maybe she will learn to be an adult and that you have your own mind and will!

Willow2017 · 16/08/2018 12:52

why you (forgive me if I'm jumping the gun) appear to have priortised your husbands need to be there over your mums.

Because he is her husband and the childs father. He has every right to be there (in this situation) her mother does not. She has no need to be there and op has no need for her to be there either.

If this is what she is like op is dodging a bullet. Imagine what she would be like once baby is here? "Do things my way or i punish you" Sod that.

goforthandmultiply · 16/08/2018 12:58

You can do this.

Honestly if she comes I don't think it will improve matters. What if she thinks you aren't giving birth right? Is she going to dictate what care you have? What drugs you have?

When giving birth you need support, not someone whose behaviour stresses you out.

There are so many ways it could be terrible if she comes. It sounds like there are zero upsides.

Stick to your plan. She can come to you when she's stopped being unreasonable. If she long term cuts you off over thisthen tbh you've had a lucky escape.

If you let her dictate under these circumstances I can pretty much guarantee than every time she doesn't get her way she will cut you off. It will be the same again and again because she will think it works.

YouBetterWORK · 16/08/2018 12:59

I had DH, mum and MIL with me (MIL had to leave for the pushing bit as only 2 allowed at that point), but the mums were explicitly invited. Neither of them had any expectation they'd be with me, not even my own mother. Due to it being an instrumental birth in the end all she could do was sit in a corner once all hands were on deck anyway! DH was by my side, midwife on the other.

You've not messed up, you'll be fine. Time to focus on you, not giving into emotional blackmail. Flowers

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2018 13:01

I was there because I was asked.

I did not behave like the OPs mother

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 16/08/2018 13:06

Oh dear. She’s obviously having a tantrum cos she can’t have her own way. My mum was a huge part of dc life but she most definitely was not in the room when I gave birth! As soon as baby born, staff gave her a call and she was there like a shot!
Please don’t be bullied. If your mum decides she wants to be a part of your family then fine. If she doesn’t it’s her loss.
Be strong

helpconfused · 16/08/2018 13:09

I did have my mum with me...I insisted. Only because when my ExP had his first son he fainted.

Your mums behaviour is childish, she is being petty. Ignore. You have plenty to keep you occupied once the baby is here.

crosstalk · 16/08/2018 13:12

Mistress Sometimes parents can see warning signs about partners that their children miss, true, but they bring it up tactfully and withdraw from commenting once the relationship progresses.

Some, however, are bullies and badmouth the children and their partners. Some flounce when told they can't be at their gc's birth and go NC. This is not the behaviour of a loving mother.

I'm sorry but being at the birth of your grandchild - especially if you have tantrums and are likely to make it hard for your DD , DH and medical professionals - is not usual and hasn't been for a century.

I loved my DM dearly but she wouldn't have dreamt of asking to be at the birth of GC even if she wanted to. Fine if a DD offers, but it's not a question a DM asks.

OP congratulations. Unfortunately your DM is a narcissist in the sense it's all about her, not about you and your DH and DC and your wishes. She's clearly a bully and surprisingly unconfident given she thinks your DMiL could be at the birth.

More to the point, what are you going to do about it? I'd be tempted to write her a letter saying what you want to say. Talk to your DH about how you want your lives to be relative to both sides of the family. Then be firm. Quite frankly as PPs have said, if she's behaved so unpleasantly so far you need to rethink her role in the future.

Wishing4Autumn · 16/08/2018 13:15

The best way to treat manipulative and controlling people like her is to demonstrate that the world keeps turning when they are not around or in fact, you are better off when they are not involved.

I've had people threatening to cut me off in our families and I have learned to say "go on then" and mean it. I have also made myself a network of my DC's friends who I can rely on in an emergency so that I do not have to rely on family. Once we had a hospital emergency and we asked one family member to help us out who then used it as an opportunity to play power games (well, I don't know if I want to etc.) and so I said don't bother and called a friend who helped me out. Family member was like Shock and confused as to why I wasn't on my knees begging.

Take the power back from the narc so they can't hurt you.

OctaviaOctober · 16/08/2018 13:16

Can I do this without her?

For you to even think that suggests your mother has done a number on your self esteem.

Of course mothers aren't needed in the birthing room. If women do invite their mothers I assume it's because they have a close and supportive relationship. Your mother sounds like a controlling bully. Don't chase after her. You'll have a baby to consider soon, and this is a good time to put some boundaries in place.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 16/08/2018 13:20

oh bless you op x you really do not need this stress now..I would suggest as hard as it seems to ignore and rise above such awful behaviour by your mother,Your new arrival will only need you and your husband ..dont worry so much ,,,all will be well..labour is not fun for anyone but I promise you it will be worth it...you can do this! Have the labour you want no compromises its your time and your husbands time together for the last time before you become a family! cherish it together and sod anyone else please ..you will regret it if you don't ..best wishes to you and your husband exciting times ahead and so so worth the wait! xx

ciderhouserules · 16/08/2018 13:21

Have a look at the Stately Homes threads, OP. It sound slike your eyes are beginning to open, regarding your mother.

You will need further support and tactic for when she returns, which she will. And for ow to reduce her toxicity over your child!

Slimmingsnake · 16/08/2018 13:24

I've had 4 kids ...no way did I want my mother there when I gave birth...don't know anyone who did....mind you I didn't want my dh there either. But that's just me....your will calm down ,with any luck x..

Suresurelah · 16/08/2018 13:27

This is how my mother behaves.

Although, l would eventually back down (FOG), this soon stopped when l had my first DC and then all hell broke loose because I stood up for myself.

We were NC for a while and although l had my younger DD recently and where she made an effort initially, this then soon deteriorated. All because I would not fall into previous patterns, where she would ignore me etc and expect me to grovel/apologise for everything. It then got to the point where, she completely ignored me at a family do.....just to embaress/manipulate etc me. I just thought, I’m the mother of two DC l haven’t got time to appease a tantruming adult and life is too short!

OP, this is the beginning of a new phase in your life. Your nuclear family are and will be your Centre, you will need to ignore her tantrums.

Please do what I did and seek counselling/therapy. This at least ascertained that my mother only loved me WITH conditions.

I love my children UNCONDITIONALLY like the majority of functional adults and her behaviour is very disfunctional.