It's December 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.
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Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.
This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)
So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families
toomuchtooold · 28/12/2017 08:39
Ssd, I really relate to this. I was never able to admit this to anyone until recently, but I was desperate for my abusive father to die. When we were in hospital with him at the end, I was watching the machine detecting his heart rate, desperate for it to stop.
I felt horrible about it and could never admit to it. The reason was that there was a large part of me that loved him and grieved for him when he did pass away. I understand now that I was grieving more for what I didn't have, and I put on rose tinted glasses for years.
Until long buried memories came back to DSis and me of childhood SA. Now I understand that intense reaction in the hospital, why I wanted my father to just die so that I could be free.
But I can tell you that death doesn't remove that person from your head. My father is still there in my head, even nearly 20 years later. But I know that in time I will be free, once I can deal with the horrible memories.
You need to know that hearing the news of your sister's death, if it were to happen, won't make you free of those feelings of being crap. You need to be free from the past, regardless of whether she's alive or not.
I haven't got there myself, maybe a New Year's resolution for 2018? 
White at that sounds really hard to deal with. My mother was a little more covert in undermining my parenting but it was the same ballpark. It's so shit, it's like just this constant attrition. She seems to want to prove to herself that she would be a better parent to your DS than you are. It's funny how they all think that and anyone who's ever been in their care thinks, I wouldn't let you look after a dog... the sleeping stuff is a nightmare, you get invited to stay and then whatever routine you have is messed about with ("oh it won't do him any harm to stay up a bit late, it's Christmas!") but them when his sleep goes down the pan it's your failing as a mother. My MIL (who otherwise I really like) would do that with my DNs when they visited her and then tell me all about how badly they slept and how much better my kids were at sleeping... yeah thanks DMIL, I'm sure SIL appreciates you sharing this, and no we won't be staying over at yours any time soon...
Regarding the planned visits, you can cancel all that stuff if you want to and find a hotel - you can say DSs needs total silence or a really onerous routine or whatever you like - whatever you say your mother will draw her own conclusions/say what she likes about you, so who cares? The important bit is to protect yourself from your mother's sniping and your DS from whatever sorting out she has in mind for him.
Identity, my 2p on your mother's behaviour - she seems to be very belatedly and half-arsedly trying to play a mothering role in your life, and she also seems a bit addicted to drama. It must be really wearing. You're right, she is making it all about herself. I know we're not supposed to armchair diagnose and you've probably heard the s on here already but in your position I would be curious about whether she fits the profile for BPD or NPD. And no you're not going mad 
That's so hard, HorseDentist, and a real betrayal on the part of your parents to still be in touch with this woman. Betrayal is so hard to deal with, isn't it?
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