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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother has disowned me

228 replies

expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 10:24

Hi guys!

First time posting on here but really need some help and advice. I am 34 weeks pregnant with a little boy and excited to get started but also terrified.

Two weeks ago my mother decided that she wanted to be in the room with me for the birth. I hadn't planned on this and had been planning for it just to be me and DH. He feels very uncomfortable around my mother as she has very strong opinions about things and doesn't think he's good enough for me. I hesitated when she began talking about being in the room because I just want to relax, chill out, be with DH and I thought perhaps she could be in the hospital in case I DO need her in there at some point.

However, since I did not immediately whole heartedly agree with the utmost enthusiasm that she would be in the room; she has now decided to cut me, my husband and the new baby out of her life completely. She has cancelled a trip away that we were having, has ignored me for two weeks and says things like 'perhaps your husbands mother can be in the room with you'.

I am devastated as I am very scared about the birth and my options have been 'have me in the room or don't have me in your life at all'.

Can I do this without her? I am so scared. Did any of you have your mothers in the room? Have I really messed up here?

Thank you in advance for your advice

xox

OP posts:
Frogscotch7 · 16/08/2018 10:27

Thank your lucky stars for an easy escape and enjoy your lovely family. Your mum can be a part of it any time she chooses not to throw a toddler tantrum.

Merryoldgoat · 16/08/2018 10:29

Your mother is a horrible and manipulative person.

My mother died so I had my DH and an aunt with me but I’d have done it without her and my DH was fantastic. I actually ended up with EMCS so just DH in the operating theatre in the end.

You will be fine without her.

SoyDora · 16/08/2018 10:29

It sounds like you might be better off with her out of your life TBH! She sounds extremely controlling, and because you’re not allowing yourself to be controlled she’s punishing you.
It wouldn’t have occurred to me to have my mum at the birth, and we’re very close. It was me and DH both times. Some people want their mums there and that’s fine, but it’s definitely not something you need if you don’t think she’ll be any help!

Frogscotch7 · 16/08/2018 10:30

In answer to your questions:

Yes you CAN do it, you are NOT unreasonable and you have NOT messed up. You decide who’s in the room with you, no one else.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 16/08/2018 10:31

I have had 3 babies ans only had my DH there. Neither my DM nor MIL would have dreamed of insisting that they were there

This is awful behaviour by your mother on a number of levels

Although it is easy for me to say, you need to concentrate now on you and the new baby. Put in place care arrangementa for your other DC while you give birth so you don't need to ask your mum or rely on hee at all. Then ignore her until you have given birth and feel well enough recovered to speak to her about this.

There is no justifucation for behaving like this - no "other side of the story".

Orangesox · 16/08/2018 10:31

You haven’t messed up at all, and this is not your fault. Your mother needs to go away and have a think about her toddler tantrum behaviour.

Of course you can do this without her... you’re not going to be on your own, your DH will be right by your side. The last thing you need whilst you’re in labour is an uneasy husband tiptoeing around on eggshells because your opinionated mother is there throwing her weight around.

Is this a familiar pattern with your mother throwing her toys out of the pram when you choose to have a thought of your own? If so, you might find the stately homes thread on the relationships board a particularly enlightening experience.

Flowers
HelpmeobiMN · 16/08/2018 10:31

Oh OP, you poor thing. This is a time in your life when you should be having her support for you, and instead she’s making the situation all about her wants. It’s terrible behaviour on her part, and her attention seeking cutting you off is just her trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants.

You absolutely don’t need her. It would be great if she was supportive and helpful and there for you, but it’s not essential. You and your DP will be able to do this.

I would send her a message saying ‘when you’re ready to support me on my terms we will be here, but we won’t be manipulated during this special time into doing things the way you want them done.’. I expect when she realises she isn’t getting her way she will start to behave better.

ferrymeoff · 16/08/2018 10:32

She is being very cruel and I think it is a warning. If you give in to her it will set the template forever.
What happens in the future when she decides on something and cuts you out if you don't agree with her.
She sounds like a bully and no wonder your partner is uncomfortable.
This is your time for your own little family.
Call her bluff, I expect she will not cut her nose off to spite her face and if she does you will at least not have to cope with her.
Good luck

CoraPirbright · 16/08/2018 10:32

Ok I am going to go out on a limb here and predict that very few people on MN will have had their mums actually in the room with them!! I think that sounds really weird! Obviously there will be people who are single and need the support, have excellent relationships with their mums, perhaps mum used to be a midwife etc etc. But for the vast majority it will be partner who is in the actual room with mum possibly in the corridor or awaiting the call to visit at home.

Your mother is behaving despicably. Is there anyone who can talk some sense into her? Grandmother, sister, close friend?

JayDot500 · 16/08/2018 10:32

Yeah, I can see why you don't have the best relationship with her. Play her at her own game by not playing games. She's decided to cut herself out, that's fine, leave her so.

When a woman gives birth and understands all the struggle their own mother must have gone through, one usually has more respect for them. But your mum is bailing on the one time she knew you might have needed her; she's got issues, not you.

GreenMeerkat · 16/08/2018 10:32

I'd say that is the definition of cutting her nose off to spite her face. Her loss OP!

gamerchick · 16/08/2018 10:32

OP, if you back down on this she will realise this is a tactic that works. Yes you can do this without her, you are a grown adult about to have a nuclear family of your own. Always have the birth you want, it's important that you're comfortable.

If this is out of the blue then she could be struggling with her baby growing up

If she's always been an overbearing nightmare and you've just towed the line then it's time to assert yourself. You're about to be a mother yourself. Round up your RL support and let her have her tantrum.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 16/08/2018 10:33

Most people don't have their mothers in the room while they give birth! It doesn't sound like helping you would be her first priority, to be honest. I reckon you're better off without her there, and if she wants to create a drama about it, that's her problem, not yours. Your labour should be about you and the baby, no-one else.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 16/08/2018 10:33

You haven't messed up. If that's the attitude she's going to take, would you really want her there? The birth isn't about her, it's about you. I've got a feeling that, if she were there, she wouldn't help at all. In fact, I suspect she wouldn't be thrilled she wasn't the centre of attention. But I may be projecting a bit here.

She'll be expecting you to go running after her begging her to be there, so don't. Let her come back to you once she's finished tantrumming.

hungryhippo90 · 16/08/2018 10:33

Wow, you’re better off without your mum if this is the way she acts,
You’ll be fine with your Partner, try not to worry too much. It’ll all go as it should, perfectly fine XX

GreenMeerkat · 16/08/2018 10:33

Also YADNBU!

Who you have in with you when you are in labour is 100% your choice! Nobody else's.

Dinosharks · 16/08/2018 10:34

I love my mum to bits and we have a great relationship but the thought of having her in the room whilst I gave birth would've made me run away. I've thought about it before and should we have any more DC and if my husband had to look after our DD I'd rather go it alone than have any other family in with me.

Your mum's reaction is ridiculous and goes to show its got nothing to do with you but it's all about her and what she wants you to do. Doesn't sound like someone who would be any help whatsoever to me. Lucky escape, for your new little family of 3 to have quality time together.

Jasperoonicle · 16/08/2018 10:34

Your mother is pathetic. I know you are scared and worried but you and your DH are all that needs to be in that room as that baby is yours and his and if she wants to cut you out of her life now then your baby is getting a lucky escape. I cannot understand grown women throwing temper tantrums when they are not getting their own way and I presume this is not the first time she has done this. Enjoy your pregnancy and lean on only your husband for now. Best of luck.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 16/08/2018 10:34

You can do this without her.

It sounds like you are actually better off doing this without her.

What happens when she doesn't agree with a parenting decision later on, will she cut you off then too? What happens if your dc does something she doesn't like, will she try to manipulate them too?

She will be missing out on you and her grandchild, she is the loser here, not you.

EdwardBear1920 · 16/08/2018 10:34

Can I do this without her?

Yes. Yes you can. In addition, you might well find that things are easier if she's not there trying to control you are with silly tantrums. Your family will suddenly turn into a balance of 3 (huge congratulations, by the way!!!). You are not going to be able to balance the three of you if you have a forth pushing all her weight down on a fourth corner.

Did any of you have your mothers in the room? Have I really messed up here?

My rules were this: DH only. If I started running into trouble or I just needed her help, she would be waiting outside, ready to support me should I need it. Support. Not tantrum.

The only tricky moment was when I told MIL this plan. She said that if my mother was allowed in the room, then she ought to be too. My response, 'Actually, it's my vagina and I get to say who sees it.' She immediately backed off. I think she'd temporarily forgotten I'd be there and was solely focused on who got to see the grandchild first. Like I say, she got over it!

This tantrum isn't about you and what you need (support). This is about your mum and what she thinks she needs (power).

CoraPirbright · 16/08/2018 10:34

Oh and you can totally do this without her there!! You are an adult with an adult husband. No reason on earth that you cant manage it - you will have midwives and doctors all around you too.

Wow she must have really done a number on you for you to doubt that you can give birth without her.

User12879923378 · 16/08/2018 10:37

I didn't. It was for me and my husband.

You absolutely 100% can do this and you are not being unreasonable. She's behaving very badly. If this is how she is it will actually be easier if she's not around either at the birth or in the few weeks afterwards. The last thing you need is someone who uses your natural anxiety and vulnerability against you when you have a tiny newborn.

Bluelady · 16/08/2018 10:37

Vile woman. You really are better off without her. She's the loser, she's cut herself off from her grandson and her nose off to spoil her face.

LemonBreeland · 16/08/2018 10:37

She has done you a favour. She sounds like a nightmare. Do not agree to let her be there. It is for you and your DH. I know some people have their DM there if they are very comfortable with them and it is what they want. If it has not been your plan then don't capitulate to her. You will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of nightmares with her.

Winosaurus · 16/08/2018 10:38

I had my mum (and dad actually) in with me when I had my DD as I was a lone parent.
With DS I asked my mum and she initially said no because it was a special time for just me and my DP.
She did come in the end because I really wanted her there and DP didn’t mind either way.
I don’t understand this new trend of mothers feeling they have a right to be there when their daughters give birth??! If my DD wanted me then I would be happy to offer support but no way would I assume it was my right to be there! Your DM sounds a bit of a fruit loop tbh.

I think you’ve actually had a lucky escape if she can be so pushy over this... imagine what she’s going to be like when your baby is here Shock She’ll be one of those pushy grandmas thinking they’ll be there 24/7 and will kick off if you choose to send your child to a nursery or chikdminder