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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want sil to provide childcare

400 replies

Wadewilson · 14/08/2018 10:03

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu, and possibly a bit snobby but that's why I'm asking.

Sil has a part time job during the day that she absolutely hates. She only gets £200/ month for it, but they need that extra money so she can't quit.
I'm due to go back to work after mat leave soon, and local nurseries are about £800/month. DH has suggested instead of that, speaking to his sister and offering her 300-400/month to provide childcare. Cheaper for us than nursery, and she could quit the job she hates and have more money.

The issue is, I dont want her to. I love sil, she's like an actual sister to me and I love spending time with her. But, her children spend almost 24/7 on phones and tablets (they are 2 and 6). If they are playing with toys rather than tablets they are told to be quiet and just go on the tablet instead of making noise. They are also fed convenience foods all the time. Constantly having chocolate, sweets, ice lollies. Actual meals are things like potato waffles with beans and sausage from a tin, frozen pizzas, that sort of thing. The nearest I've seen her children have to a home cooked meal is spag bol from a can. We are there quite a lot, so see a good range of their meals. We've also been away with them before, and all the children will eat is things like burgers and pizzas and chicken nuggets.
I know I sound really snobby and awful by saying that, but that isn't what we eat and definitely not what I want dc to eat. When i was growing up it was all home cooked food, vegetables, proper meals. That's what we eat now, and thats what i want dc to grow up eating. I know i cant force dc to like vegetables and things, but if vegetables and home cooked food is normal there is more chance of them liking it.

Aibu by thinking that? And aibu for not wanting her to provide childcare?
And do people have any other options? We could afford the 800 for nursery, but it would make things tight, and dh is insistent about not paying it and giving his sister money instead.

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 14/08/2018 10:06

Have you asked your husband if he is happy for his baby to be treated like his nephews/nieces and to live like that? Sounds awful.

Also, do you think the baby would get any attention if she already has a two year old that she constantly fobs off onto gadgets??

Worth a longer discussion with your dh I think. No way would I want that either.

Original poster
Wadewilson · 14/08/2018 10:08

He was brought up that way himself so he doesn't really see anything wrong with it.
Which I think is partly my issue because I cant be too vocal about how shit I think it is because it was his life too.

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 14/08/2018 10:09

NBU because you don’t want her too. You’ll get loads of people saying ‘nowt wrong with waffles and tinned sausages once in a while’ blah blah blah.

I’d just say to DH that you dont want to rely on family for childcare because if they’re ill or her children are, you child can’t go to them that day / maybe the whole week. Then what will you do? Will he be taking that time off work?

Plus their holidays, who will cover that, will SIL still be expecting you to pay her when you’re on holiday? Probably because that’s her income and you would pay a Nursery but she isn’t a Nursery.

Returnofthesmileybar · 14/08/2018 10:10

Yanbu, your parenting styles are too different, it won't work and we only end awkwardly/badly

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/08/2018 10:11

It isn't really a long term solution is it? Your kids will grow up and go to school... do you continue to pay her just because?

She needs a more secure, long term solution. The best you could offer is a stop gap that would probably end up annoying everyone.!

Balaboosteh · 14/08/2018 10:12

No way. She isn’t a child minder. CMs are qualified and inspected and add value to a child’s life. She isn’t raising her own children well so why on earth would you hand yours over to her?!

Balaboosteh · 14/08/2018 10:13

And why is your DH putting his sister’s needs before his own child’s?

Original poster
Wadewilson · 14/08/2018 10:14

mimi I'm not bothered about dc eating like that every so often, I just don't want it to be 5 days a week.

I've said I don't want to feel like we are relying on them, and I've seen it negatively affect family relationships before Ann's don't want it to affect our relationship with her. He sees it as we'd be paying her so it would be like a job not just having family help.

OP posts:
Cheby · 14/08/2018 10:14

This is an easy one; it’s illegal to pay someone for regular childcare when they aren’t a registered childminder. So just refuse to do it.

HolyMountain · 14/08/2018 10:16

Just tell him that it isn't a long term solution and that you don't want to cross into family territory for what is basically a business arrangement.

Original poster
Wadewilson · 14/08/2018 10:16

I think he's focusing on the cost. Whereas I'm thinking about interaction, food choices, things for dc to do that don't involve a screen etc.

I don't know if a compromise could be something like nursery/ child minder half the week and sil other half. Then it isn't all screen time and junk food. Would still be cheaper, but not by as much

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 14/08/2018 10:18

Yanbu.

I wouldn’t want someone who parents very differently to me looking after my child either.

LaInfantaTortilla · 14/08/2018 10:19

OP please do not ever apologise for not wanting to feed your DC crap. It does have a massive effect on their health. I have been ridiculed for this all my DC's lives but at the end of the day my DC are the ones who haven't had a day off sick in 4 years. Eating crap does affect their health long term.

GreenMeerkat · 14/08/2018 10:22

How much childcare would she actually be doing? If full time then 3-400 a month is NOT enough to pay her. That's £10 a day. Would you work full time for that?

So you could just explain that you'd need to pay her more and wouldn't be much different to nursery.

UpstartCrow · 14/08/2018 10:25

Wadewilson
Unless she is a registered childminder, you wouldn't get any tax allowance for paying her. Can you use that as an excuse?

Maelstrop · 14/08/2018 10:26

Don’t do it and don’t allow sil to rely on you for a salary. What if it all goes wrong? Unless you also buy all of the food, which will add up to the nursery fee anyway.

MimiSunshine · 14/08/2018 10:26

Have you visited any nurserys yet? If so was he with you. If no to either then book to go in and see what it’s like, what the children do all day, the stimulation and learning opportunities they’re given.

Hopefully that will open his eyes to things.
Then tell him that’s what you want for your child. You don’t want them on tablets / phones all day (don’t focus so much on the food if that’s what he thinks is normal for childhood). Nor do you want to be an employer of your SIL, you don’t want to have that kind of relationship with her

Flowersonthewall · 14/08/2018 10:29

As @Cheby said surely she'd need all the relevant checks and insurances in place to be a child care provider.
Take your husband to see some other child care providers or if he can't visit them have a look at Facebook pages or websites they will show what they provide.

HelpmeobiMN · 14/08/2018 10:30

YANBU - you wouldn’t hire a regular childminder who thought children should be raised that way, so it’s totally understandable that you feel the same about your SIL. And as she would always be family as well as an employee you would find it very difficult to enforce your rules without it seeming judgmental or causing upset. I’d be trying to get your DH to think about it again!

Bambamber · 14/08/2018 10:30

YANBU

I wouldn't leave my child in the care of someone who's parenting style is so different from my own. I know childcare is really expensive, but in my eyes it's worth it for the confidence that your child is being cared for in a way that you agree with

DolorestheNewt · 14/08/2018 10:34

Difficult!

I think in your shoes I might say something to the effect that I was really keen to try a non-electronic route for my DC during formative years, and it's "easiest to do that in a nursery environment because it's structured that way". Easier, I think, to go that route than discuss the food, where you could cause real offence.

If you do claim the anti electronic grounds, tho, you'll have to live by it at home!

Original poster
Wadewilson · 14/08/2018 10:36

Not visited any nurseries yet, wanted to check if they had availability before going.

The 800 is accounting for tax free childcare, we're in a pretty expensive area. I could also get childcare vouchers through work, but they end up costing more than tax free.

meerkat it would be 8am-6pm 5 days a week. So yes she might get double what she does from her part time job, but that job is only 10 hours a week maximum instead of 10 hours a day.

When I was a child we baked, painted, went to the park, did crafts, all that sort of thing. I had a great childhood and want that for dc.
Dh was pretty much left to his own devices and openly says his mother never did anything like that with them. Presumably that's why sil parents the way she does.

Also I'm obviously not sure if it's down to the way we were bright up, but my siblings and I all have university degrees and professional jobs. Dh is the only person is his family with any kind of career, the others all work part time in minimum wage jobs. It's a very different lifestyle I think.

OP posts:
blueskiesandforests · 14/08/2018 10:37

@Wadewilson what your husband is proposing is illegal these days, unless your sil registers as a childminder.

So that's your get out of jail free card. Send your child to a proper childminder or nursery.

formerbabe · 14/08/2018 10:40

If it was one or two days a week, I'd say don't worry about the screen time and convenience food...but, everyday, I wouldn't be happy at all.

Andtheresaw · 14/08/2018 10:44

She can't take money for childminding without being registered, which involves a collection of courses, home visits, Risk assessments in place etc etc (it's not an easy thing to do). Before you worry about whether she is suitable I'd be thinking that if she wanted this she'd have done it already.