To not want sil to provide childcare

[Wadewilson]

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu, and possibly a bit snobby but that's why I'm asking.

Sil has a part time job during the day that she absolutely hates. She only gets £200/ month for it, but they need that extra money so she can't quit.
I'm due to go back to work after mat leave soon, and local nurseries are about £800/month. DH has suggested instead of that, speaking to his sister and offering her 300-400/month to provide childcare. Cheaper for us than nursery, and she could quit the job she hates and have more money.

The issue is, I dont want her to. I love sil, she's like an actual sister to me and I love spending time with her. But, her children spend almost 24/7 on phones and tablets (they are 2 and 6). If they are playing with toys rather than tablets they are told to be quiet and just go on the tablet instead of making noise. They are also fed convenience foods all the time. Constantly having chocolate, sweets, ice lollies. Actual meals are things like potato waffles with beans and sausage from a tin, frozen pizzas, that sort of thing. The nearest I've seen her children have to a home cooked meal is spag bol from a can. We are there quite a lot, so see a good range of their meals. We've also been away with them before, and all the children will eat is things like burgers and pizzas and chicken nuggets.
I know I sound really snobby and awful by saying that, but that isn't what we eat and definitely not what I want dc to eat. When i was growing up it was all home cooked food, vegetables, proper meals. That's what we eat now, and thats what i want dc to grow up eating. I know i cant force dc to like vegetables and things, but if vegetables and home cooked food is normal there is more chance of them liking it.

Aibu by thinking that? And aibu for not wanting her to provide childcare?
And do people have any other options? We could afford the 800 for nursery, but it would make things tight, and dh is insistent about not paying it and giving his sister money instead.

You could tell DH that if he refuses to help fund a nursery place then you will quit your job and stay home.

He won't like losing your salary - pit the figures together and see what he says

• and after all it's only 'short term'

And actually why would SIL collect the child? DH should drop surely? I mean one lie isn't as good as another. Would SIL be prepared to drive an hour early each day for £100 a week?

He's being ridiculas

Are you afraid of your husband? He sounds like a bully to me and a tight fisted one at that. Put your bloody foot down before this farce carries on any further. You don't want your child going to SIL, husband, with his eye on only his wallet, wants her to.

I'd threaten to leave him for that reason only.

OP the problem is here its a bad idea for everyone and yet your husband still demands his own way

This isnt good for your SIL at all - its too much to ask

My list of reasons (without saying i think she's a crap parent) is currently as follows

• illegal, I'd lose my job and not be able to work again
• nursery can cover if staff is ill
• short term only, would leave her in a bad financial position in a very short time in the future
• affect the relationship between us, between her and dc, between us and other members of the family who pay for childcare
• crap money
• time consuming, 10h per day, would massively affect her freedom to go anywhere and do anything by dragging a baby along with other children
• don't want to take advantage of her
• don't want her to make emotional decision based on her hating her job
• don't want her to feel obliged
• impractical, distance means long time travelling, cost of fuel, wear and tear on the car, travel time etc
• school run with baby to take as well as her children
• what if she has an appointment or something so can't be home

no way of using childcare vouchers or the free hours or indeed the curriculum and knowing where they are in terms of attainment

You don't need to provide her ( or any other child care provision) reasons why not. Gives her a chance to repudiate.

The problem ( which others have pointed out, and you have not acknowleged) is your DH. You need to say to him that you don't want this, he shouldn't have gone behind your back and you need to find childcare you are both happy with. If you can't do this you are going to have far bigger issues to come.

Dh said last night when I said I'd arranged to see her and discuss "don't make her feel like you don't want her to do it"
My response was well I don't and you've known that from the start.
I'm definitely making it clear I don't want it regardless of what he says. He didn't pay attention when I said I didn't want it so it's tough. Maybe if he'd considered my opinion before I'd feel differently.
I'll offer it as an option if he really wants me to, but I'll make it sound like the worst most awful idea ever. And I'll make it clear I think it's a bad idea and completely impractical too.

How would she even manage school runs if she's 30-45 minutes away in the opposite direction? Presumably her DC would have to come to yours super early in the morning so you could leave for work, and then she'll need to go back on herself with all DC to do the school run, and then again later in the day and bring the older DC back to yours?

It's madness.

Don't see why she would be coming to yours to do pick up. Childminders (which is the closest thing to what she would be) stay put and parents take the kids to them. Your DH really does expect a lot for his minimal amount of money. So do mention that he'd expect her to come and pick up baby and drop off at the end of the day (presumably dragging her own kids along..)

Plus, it's one thing to do the school run with a baby when it's your own baby - there's no choice. But I wouldn't have been happy about that with my first baby. They went to a childminder who did school drop-off and pick-up, but that was walking, not in the car, so baby just got a run out in the pushchair and fresh air, and the childminder went straight from drop-off to a planned activity, and pick-ups were also co-ordinated with going via the playpark on the way to school or after etc. Totally different to a car school-run in a different direction where baby is just stuck in a car seat for hours.

I didn't realise SIL was 30-45 minute car journey away. That makes the whole situation even more ludicrous. That's potentially 90 minute round trip twice a day for her. Are you sure she actually wants to do this? I can't believe she'd work 10 hours a day for crap money AND have to drive 3 hours each day.

And 90 mins for your ds in the car every day . Plus do make sure the car has business insurance otherwise shrvein’t Be insured

PrincessScarlett exactly, dh hasnt thought this through at all. If we took dc to sil before and after work it would add at least 1.5h commute as she lives in the opposite direction to where we work.
It's only actually about 10-15m away, but it's along a busy motorway so would be practically stationary traffic at rush hour.

You’re SILs job hatred is not your responsibility to resolve.

Can she even fit three car seats in her car?

You may want to mention to your dh that there wouldn't be a risk of his sister feeling unwanted if he hadn't ignored you and brought it up with her in the first place.

OP this really does say a lot about your relationshop - not that he hasnt thought it through but the fact you simply cant tell him that and have him be ok

Spoke to sil, as soon as I mentioned dh meant 10h a day 5 days a week not ad hoc babysitting here and there she was like ohhhhh.

quartz normally if I said no to something he would be ok and that would be the end of it. I don't really know why he was being difficult on this. His view is its his child as much as mine, and he wants them to be cared for by family or someone he knows instead of a stranger. He's rather distrustful of strangers, especially around dc as they are so important to him. I have told him it's not practical to be so distrustful and he needs to work on it.

So your DH and SIL are planning on operating an illegal, unregistered, uninsured childminding service. Your SIL is apparently a very lazy or neglectful parent to her 2 DC, so is likely to be even more neglectful when looking after 4 DC. Doesn't that mean accidents are more likely to happen?

So if a serious 'accident' due to neglect happens and the illegal childminding operation is uncovered, I wonder could your children actually be taken off you and put into care? What parent would take that risk.

Glad that your SIL also realises how daft it is

He needs to come to terms with it as they will be going to school etc and playdates and he cant hold them back because of his insecurities

Sounds like the penny has dropped for your SIL. 10 hours a day 5 days a week every week is very different from the couple of hours a day or couple of days a week your SIL was expecting.

From what you say, it seems to me that your DH is terrified of strangers given the abuse at a local nursery. This is why it is so important to do proper research into any childcare professional. I'm a CM and I'm amazed at the number of parents who don't ask to see qualifications, insurance or ask any questions and blindly hand over their child. I insist on being transparent with everything but I've seen other CMs and parents falling out big time because the proper research has not been done at the outset. Just do the proper research and see several settings so you can compare.

It really wouldn't be fair to your child to subject him to 1.5 hours in rush hour traffic every day. It would also make an incredibly long day for him. Your DH really isn't thinking of his welfare.

And if he's so distrustful of strangers looking after his child, how is he going to cope when he has to go to school?

His child cant be that important to him if their development is worth impairing to save a few quid.