To not want sil to provide childcare

[Wadewilson]

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu, and possibly a bit snobby but that's why I'm asking.

Sil has a part time job during the day that she absolutely hates. She only gets £200/ month for it, but they need that extra money so she can't quit.
I'm due to go back to work after mat leave soon, and local nurseries are about £800/month. DH has suggested instead of that, speaking to his sister and offering her 300-400/month to provide childcare. Cheaper for us than nursery, and she could quit the job she hates and have more money.

The issue is, I dont want her to. I love sil, she's like an actual sister to me and I love spending time with her. But, her children spend almost 24/7 on phones and tablets (they are 2 and 6). If they are playing with toys rather than tablets they are told to be quiet and just go on the tablet instead of making noise. They are also fed convenience foods all the time. Constantly having chocolate, sweets, ice lollies. Actual meals are things like potato waffles with beans and sausage from a tin, frozen pizzas, that sort of thing. The nearest I've seen her children have to a home cooked meal is spag bol from a can. We are there quite a lot, so see a good range of their meals. We've also been away with them before, and all the children will eat is things like burgers and pizzas and chicken nuggets.
I know I sound really snobby and awful by saying that, but that isn't what we eat and definitely not what I want dc to eat. When i was growing up it was all home cooked food, vegetables, proper meals. That's what we eat now, and thats what i want dc to grow up eating. I know i cant force dc to like vegetables and things, but if vegetables and home cooked food is normal there is more chance of them liking it.

Aibu by thinking that? And aibu for not wanting her to provide childcare?
And do people have any other options? We could afford the 800 for nursery, but it would make things tight, and dh is insistent about not paying it and giving his sister money instead.

Whilst your SIL is already unsure...now is the time to speak to her about your "expectations".. i.e food, activities, routine etc.

Might put her off completely if she is already waivering...

I've just read the full thread praying it would be resolved by the end!

So many points have already been covered but I understand the issue with the local nursery could cause some anxiety for him.

His point that dc can't tell you what has happened every day is still valid with your SIL. There is no way SIL could provide constant supervision, other dc could become jealous, especially the 2 Yr old who won't understand why they suddenly have to share mum and lash out (hitting, biting, kicking, pinching just as possible examples) your dc can't tell you this has happened if nobody saw it. Unlike in a nursery setting with big open areas and multiple adults to intervene.

I also think that DCs who aren't supervised all day on tablets could be watching inappropriate videos on YouTube. I've unfortunately seen some disgusting videos where inappropriate actions are played out in videos made to look like popular TV characters. So damaging for your dc to see or her dc to copy, again your dc can't tell you this.

Not only would I lose my current job, I'd lose my professional registration and not be able to get another job in the area I spent 5 years training for and the only thing I've ever wanted to do.

If you don’t want to tell SIL why (which I understand) then just keep on about this, just keep saying you can’t risk it and you don’t want the worry of it hanging over your head.
Plus keep saying the travelling isn’t fair on your DD, you’re worried about her falling asleep in the car at the end of the day, etc.

I take it he doesn't know that the majority of child abusers are family or friends?

Full time child care for 100 quid a week?

It's not 1980

It's also not practical to be so frigging cheap either!

It's actually perfectly reasonable for him to want his very young child looked after by family rather than an outside care provider. That's a pretty mainstream perspective, and looking at the percentage of children who are cared for at least partially by extended family members when the parent/s work, I suspect this is one more area where MN is somewhat out of step with the population at large.

However, that doesn't mean that he gets to overrule you, that someone is suitable simply because they're related, that lengthy and avoidable drives aren't a stupid idea or that he can just throw this together with a few week's notice and expect full time family care plus collection to be achievable for a couple of hundred quid a month. It's clearly not, as shown by SIL now the penny has dropped.

The work and childcare arrangements should've been discussed well in advance, the onus being on both of you here, and he should've communicated his thoughts. That way you could've had plenty of time to look into who might be available and suitable, money, emergency cover etc as well as to learn that it's not illegal to pay a relative to care for a child in their home.

I know people do sometimes change their minds about what they're comfortable with quite soon before maternity/paternity leave ends, but that doesn't absolve him from the responsibility to be sensible, practical and to listen to your concerns. Which he's clearly not done.

Why on earth would she be picking your ds up too. Any childminder I know or anyone doing a favour gets the child dropped off to them. So not only was he wanting to pay her £100 a week he expected her to pay £60 of petrol and wear and tear on her car . He also expected her to pay for food .Plus all the extra electricity and water having a baby in her house would cost . Wow just wow no wonder your OH wants to go forward with this arrangement . It would cost your SIL money for a full time job. He would be laughing all the way to bank . Geez he is a piece of work .

This gets more bizarre by the minute! It’s utterly ridiculous. Sort out proper regulated childcare where you can call the shots and are paying a decent amount for it.

Your SIL hating her job is not your problem. She only works 10 hours a week so surely if it’s that bad and they need the money, she can find something else. It must have to be really bad for her to even consider driving bloody miles every day to care for your baby in your house for peanuts. And is that the sort of person you want caring for your child... someone who just wants a reason to not have to go out to work, so would take on a very odd ‘childminding’ arrangement for way below minimum wage? She doesn’t interact with her own kids, never mind anyone else’s.

Fgs just tell her you have booked a nursery (and then get on and do it. Good nurseries often get booked up well in advance.)

Statistically it must be more likely that anyone abusing your child would be a family member rather than a professional childcare provider.

Dc is on waiting lists for a few nurseries, and has been for a while. I'm also waiting for some childminders to get back to me.

It isn't really short notice, I know a few people have mentioned the timings. By going back to work "soon" I mean in about 5 months. It all started because I mentioned nurseries and fees and dh suddenly decided we couldn't afford it when previously he said we could, and we definitely can (around £1400 disposable income after food and bills per month), he just doesn't want to cut down on hobby spending most likely.

Ah ok, it sounded like DH had suddenly come up with this a few weeks before the end of ML and was expecting everything to fall right into place.

5 months in advance may be a reasonable time to start thinking about this then, although I live in an area where it's not different to find childcare providers and I know it would be a different discussion entirely in some areas of London, for example. But that doesn't mean he gets to overrule you, or that he's not being completely impractical.

Will you actually get a childcare place in time?

There is a nursery and 2 childminders so far who will have space at that point, just need to go and visit them and make a choice as to which we go for or if we wait for the waiting list of the one we originally considered.

That’s great OP I think it was best for everyone all round not to use your SIL hope you LO settles in well when the time comes . Good luck

Maybe SiL will even back you up in telling DH what a silly idea it was.

My dd has attended a nursery since nine months old, she is now three. She has so many friends in there that she is soon to be starting school with.

She learns so much, all the kids are happy, bright, awake, and so happy whenever I walk in.

I would trust every single one of her teachers with my baby's life! And I suffer with anxiety to the point I worry if my mil or my own mother take her out.

I was so scared at first but it is the beat thing we ever did, if we didn't send her to nursery I don't think she would be the same bubbly, cheeky and such a confident young girl we have today.

They have had the police, ambulance service, fire engines, lollipop lady come and see them to educate them and to let them play in the cars. It's definitely something that won't happen with your sister in law.

I'd go for the nursery for definite!

So how did you leave things with SIL? Did she not seem keen or does she still want to look after your DC?

PrincessScarlett she said she'll happily look after dc whenever we want, but more on a basis of if we want to go out for a few hours or nursery is closed or childminder is ill or something. She doesn't want to do it full time because it's too much and has more negatives than positives. Basically everything I was going to mention but in the end didn't need to.

That’s good OP, at least it’s sorted out. Maybe use this to have some honest conversations with your DH as it sounds like you are on completely opposite pages with your parenting values and while this is often quite manageable while DC are little, it can cause difficulties in the relationship as they get older if you both have different ideas of what’s best for DC.

That's brilliant, glad the situation has been resolved somewhat. Good luck with finding childcare. Ask to see policies, ask questions, go back a second (or even third) time, see if they have parent references or parents happy to speak to you.

He's said we'd (ugh why not just say he would, why us, I'm really pissed off) be able to give her about 400/ month but it would have to be 8-6. She's put of course I'll have dc, I always will.

I'm a bit confused about what your SIL thought was going on during this text conversation you described upthread. A regularly monthly payment was clearly mentioned - does she think DH was offering to give her £400 a month for the odd day when the nursery's closed?!

So SIL doesn't want to do 50 hours a week, your DP has not been clear to her. You don't want her to care 50 hours week for your Dbaby.
It's impractical and a poor arrangement, which would have broken down quickly, leaving your and DP's work in the lurch.
Her offer of 'every now and then' (but paid!) babysitting for the odd time can sit in your back pocket. But you need full time childcare, so really that adds little.

Glad you are getting on with finding CM or nursery for your full-time childcare. Some places operate waiting lists, so even with 5 months to go , it needs sorting asap.

Defo a DP problem rather than a SIL/DP problem. Is he just realising how expensive full time childcare is? Yup it hits us all!! It is an investment for & in your children.

IMO having very young children on tablet or gaming devices/phones is just lazy parenting.

I can understand why you would not want her to 'parent' your child whilst at work… I wouldn't either. I would rather pay more for decent childcare with stimulating play and a healthy diet.

Oh dear - didn't read all the pages before posting!

Glad she isn't childminding for you more than just an odd occasion.

Has she told your dh that she’s not interested? Did your dh not tell her it was full time? No normal person would want to spend the entire day with a baby for that kind of money. Everything you said is correct. I hope your dh understands that his ds is not interested in doing full time.