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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want sil to provide childcare

400 replies

Wadewilson · 14/08/2018 10:03

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu, and possibly a bit snobby but that's why I'm asking.

Sil has a part time job during the day that she absolutely hates. She only gets £200/ month for it, but they need that extra money so she can't quit.
I'm due to go back to work after mat leave soon, and local nurseries are about £800/month. DH has suggested instead of that, speaking to his sister and offering her 300-400/month to provide childcare. Cheaper for us than nursery, and she could quit the job she hates and have more money.

The issue is, I dont want her to. I love sil, she's like an actual sister to me and I love spending time with her. But, her children spend almost 24/7 on phones and tablets (they are 2 and 6). If they are playing with toys rather than tablets they are told to be quiet and just go on the tablet instead of making noise. They are also fed convenience foods all the time. Constantly having chocolate, sweets, ice lollies. Actual meals are things like potato waffles with beans and sausage from a tin, frozen pizzas, that sort of thing. The nearest I've seen her children have to a home cooked meal is spag bol from a can. We are there quite a lot, so see a good range of their meals. We've also been away with them before, and all the children will eat is things like burgers and pizzas and chicken nuggets.
I know I sound really snobby and awful by saying that, but that isn't what we eat and definitely not what I want dc to eat. When i was growing up it was all home cooked food, vegetables, proper meals. That's what we eat now, and thats what i want dc to grow up eating. I know i cant force dc to like vegetables and things, but if vegetables and home cooked food is normal there is more chance of them liking it.

Aibu by thinking that? And aibu for not wanting her to provide childcare?
And do people have any other options? We could afford the 800 for nursery, but it would make things tight, and dh is insistent about not paying it and giving his sister money instead.

OP posts:
cookiesandchocolate · 14/08/2018 10:51

I've worked in education and nurseries for the last 10 years.

There is no way on earth I would want to watch a 1 year old (assuming by end of MAT leave) for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week.
Paid £8 an hour for that time. Are you going to factor in days out, cost of food, her holiday pay etc.
Sorry but the logistics just do not work.
Do a nursery 3/4 days a week and SIL one day.

LyndorCake · 14/08/2018 10:51

Could you not compromise and do say 2 days at nursery and 3 days with her?
Do remember that your child will only be with her during the day, so that's one meal per day and snacks. You can pack snacks as well if you like. Also, you can say things like, I don't want DC having any screen time and send some books or toys with him.
Honestly even if you can afford it, that money would be better spent on family life than at nursery. Think of the extra nice holidays you could have, do up DCs bedroom, or just save for their future!

ReservoirDogs · 14/08/2018 10:52

Then there are issues when she wants to have a day off to go out with her friends, have appointments etc or is sick.

I used a combination of nursery and childminder with my first mainly because the nursery only had a part-time place but by the time they had a full time one I liked the flexibility my childminder gave me with timings, which meant I could work a bit later those days.

She also arranged cover when she had holidays or was ill rather than me having to.

I would definitely steer clear when your parenting styles are so different. If you are paying a childminder you can set your "rules/guidelines" but with family they'll do as they please/think best. It will end in tears!

rapunzel15 · 14/08/2018 10:52

This will 100% turn what is currently a good relationship into something horrendous. Shes essentially going to be your employee and that's going to ruin things for you. Are you going to be able to tell her what you do and don't like or will it cause a row?

Guienne · 14/08/2018 10:53

If she registered as a childminder, which she would have to do, wouldn't she have to have curriculum plans etc in place? And she'd have to be available for inspection at any time, so couldn't really risk a child happily telling an inspector how they've been playing on the iPad all morning. It's pretty clear that's not what she wants.

cookiesandchocolate · 14/08/2018 10:53

Hang on you say £400 a month. I thought you meant week.
There is no way on earth SIL is going to agree to that.
That is a pitiful amount of money for the amount of work. I would be offended.

Confusedbeetle · 14/08/2018 10:55

Absolutely dont do it. The person who cares for your child has to do things in accordance with your parenting style, this does not sound good. Secondly all family care has disadvantages and a price, I know. It is very difficult to deal with issues when they are family, and you will fall out big time. Free child care is not free. actually in your case not free at all!

Chalady · 14/08/2018 10:55

No way.

Inertia · 14/08/2018 10:55

If she actually wanted to be a childminder, then she would have got herself the relevant qualifications, registration and insurance. She hasn’t, so she doesn’t. It would be illegal to pay her as a non-registered childminder.

Your husband is proposing to offer her £400 a month to ignore your baby. It’s never going to work out, and is likely to impair family relationships.

squeaver · 14/08/2018 10:56

Do you have any idea if she would actually want to do it? That's a massive time commitment on her part.

chocatoo · 14/08/2018 10:56

Your SIL will know how much a childminder would be paid and expect similar.

Racecardriver · 14/08/2018 10:57

Don't even consider it.

waterrat · 14/08/2018 10:57

YANBu - but you and your husband are being mssively unreasonable to even discuss paying her 300 a month for full time childcare! that is disgusting!

You pay a proper legal rate if you want your children looked after properly and legally.

It's not legal - absolutely terrible idea to use slave labour wages for full time childcare - imagine how much you would feel indebted to her! and you don't even want to do it!

what happens when you want to make specific requests about where she takes them/ what she does with them? Childcare is emotional! she will be spending more time with your child than you are

I would not remotely worry about your husbands feelings - just say absolutely no because you have a specific set of wishes of how your child is looked after and your SIL does not meet any of them.

mumsastudent · 14/08/2018 10:58

she would be unregistered & uninsured illegal if?WHEN! she gets reported there will be serious repercussions for her - like HMRC & OFSTED & child protection social services - her neighbours might notice & report her - if she is in receipt of housing benefit ….etc etc. to be a registered childminder costs & why should she accept that level of pay? she could change her mind &she entitled to do so on that peanut pay! so that she doesn't want to work on that morning what will you do? look into all other forms of (legal) childcare first please

waterrat · 14/08/2018 11:00

I think you will find your SIL is very unlikely to be as keen on this commitment as your husband thinks. Her older one will be at school presumably and the little one will get 15 hours soon.

Childcare has to be water tight, completely reliable and suit all your needs - you have to be able to demand exactly what you want for your child at all times.

As someone said - if she wants to be a childminder she would need to register and completely change the way she parents because no parent would choose her based on her current set up.

User212434667 · 14/08/2018 11:01

I think it’s a huge piss take by your DH to expect her to do 10 hours a day work for £100 per week. If I was the SIL I’d be very angry to be asked to do such a thing.

It’s also not legal as many others have said. Childminders charge £60 per ten hour day here, so £1200 per month. I wouldn’t want my children cared for in the circumstances you describe, but your DH is in la la land...

SnuggyBuggy · 14/08/2018 11:02

I'd just say you don't want to do family childcare, there are loads of issues with this approach so just say you want to keep your family relations as just family relations.

Butterymuffin · 14/08/2018 11:03

I think it’s a huge piss take by your DH to expect her to do 10 hours a day work for £100 per week

This. Point out to him that this is what he's asking. Would he do it? I bet not.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2018 11:06

No way. That’s ridiculous and illegal. I agree with pps that taking your dh to a couple of nurseries so he can understand how they operate and see what children get from the experience. He needs to learn what children get from interaction at nursery. Perhaps give him some information on the importance of stimulating children and the problems children face when instead they’ve been left to their own devices and spent their formative years on tablets / watching the tv. This then doesn’t come as a judgment from you. It’s something you’ve researched and comes across as “Now I know better, I do better. Your parents didn’t have this info and they did what they thought was right for the family.”

WoWsers16 · 14/08/2018 11:07

My MIL looked after my first born when I went back to work full time- a week before she did (after telling us she wouldn't be charging) she rang and said that she has rang around and the going rate is £3 an hour so she would charge £450 a month. This was 10 years ago- however it obviously caused a lot of friction as I would have never have said yes if she had said she was going to charge that much as that was the price for a registered childminder too (as the childcare vouchers helped). She also wanted us to buy her a high chair, play pen etc... again something we hadn't budgeted and money was tight.

It caused friction and I was glad when we ended the agreement 6 months later!

User212434667 · 14/08/2018 11:07

Also, in this scenario your financial gain is £400 per month. Hers is only an additional £200 per month, for five times more hours than she works now!

It is far more beneficial to your family than hers. Very unfair and likely to breed resentment and contempt between you all in short order.

Bottleup · 14/08/2018 11:08

Agree your DH is showing utter contempt for his sister!

GreenTulips · 14/08/2018 11:09

Has SIL actually said she's wants to look after your baby?

Early years staff including qualified childminders have national targets and have to collect evidence of these.

They include baby groups outings nutrition etc

They are paid to do a professional job, teach language and life skills, and not so much as to entertain children but provide stimulating experiences.

There's an awful lot of paperwork involved.

DrWhy · 14/08/2018 11:10

Absolutely no way I’d agree to this. Our DS is in full time nursery (£1k a month!) and the quality of care he gets there is amazing! Not just healthy meals and snacks cooked on site but the chef cooks with them sometimes, they do a mixture of their choice of play (80%) with with really good toys and staff lead play/learning. They do messy stuff, crafts, reading, one to one time, fine motor skills, gross motor skills, colours, numbers etc. His language has exploded since his joined the toddler room. I hate being away from him so long but if I’m going to be I am going to make sure that the time away from me is time he thoroughly enjoys (which he does) and is setting him up well for the future both with his health and with his skills. A good CM can do this as well as (some people will argue better than) a nursery too but you SIL sounds like she can not / will not.
This is regardless as others have said if it being totally illegal unless she sets up as a CM - in which case she’ll have to follow the early years curriculum and so on.

Fossie · 14/08/2018 11:14

OP who took you to the park/baked/painted etc? Was it your DM? Maybe you should see if you can go part-time. It would save on childcare and allow you to replicate more of the childhood you enjoyed.