To not want sil to provide childcare

[Wadewilson]

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu, and possibly a bit snobby but that's why I'm asking.

Sil has a part time job during the day that she absolutely hates. She only gets £200/ month for it, but they need that extra money so she can't quit.
I'm due to go back to work after mat leave soon, and local nurseries are about £800/month. DH has suggested instead of that, speaking to his sister and offering her 300-400/month to provide childcare. Cheaper for us than nursery, and she could quit the job she hates and have more money.

The issue is, I dont want her to. I love sil, she's like an actual sister to me and I love spending time with her. But, her children spend almost 24/7 on phones and tablets (they are 2 and 6). If they are playing with toys rather than tablets they are told to be quiet and just go on the tablet instead of making noise. They are also fed convenience foods all the time. Constantly having chocolate, sweets, ice lollies. Actual meals are things like potato waffles with beans and sausage from a tin, frozen pizzas, that sort of thing. The nearest I've seen her children have to a home cooked meal is spag bol from a can. We are there quite a lot, so see a good range of their meals. We've also been away with them before, and all the children will eat is things like burgers and pizzas and chicken nuggets.
I know I sound really snobby and awful by saying that, but that isn't what we eat and definitely not what I want dc to eat. When i was growing up it was all home cooked food, vegetables, proper meals. That's what we eat now, and thats what i want dc to grow up eating. I know i cant force dc to like vegetables and things, but if vegetables and home cooked food is normal there is more chance of them liking it.

Aibu by thinking that? And aibu for not wanting her to provide childcare?
And do people have any other options? We could afford the 800 for nursery, but it would make things tight, and dh is insistent about not paying it and giving his sister money instead.

How hands on has your DH been with your child? I feel like this is a suggestion that only someone who thinks that looking after a baby is no work would make - ie, someone who hasn't done it. And if he thinks this is good child-rearing, aren't you worried about what he does when left alone with the baby? Or again, will that not be coming up?

I think the PP who said 'when' this illegal arrangement gets found out, you'd be up shit creek.

Nurseries and CM have waiting lists - when your SIL suddenly gets a knock on the door from the local Ch Serv Dept or OFSTED (and she will, because people like health visitors and family centres are trained to look out for and report this type of thing as it's a safeguarding issue), she'd have to stop looking after your DC instantly.

Is your DP willing to take time out of work to care for his DC until alternative, professional childcare becomes available?

8am-6pm is 10 hours per day is 50 hours per week

£300-£400 per month means you are paying her LESS THAN £2 PER HOUR.

no your not be ur.i don't like it when people feel guilty for saying they don't want their kiddies brought up on those meals.your totally right to like the good home cooked meal of ol' having that diet growing up would not sit well with me for my children.i wouldn't even put them in that situation.
your excuses/reasons so far for you husband sound reasonable for him to accept so I just keep going with those.
work friends relationship will never work if something goes wrong.make it so he think your wanting to save the realtionships.
I think your being really sensitive knowing this was how he was brought up.
please don't put your kids into this lifestyle if you dnot have to.some people do live like this.flourish are amazing but sometimes it doesn't.and I think giving them the best with food and crafts and play is always the best option if you can.im sure we would all want that..
and even if it isn't.this is how you want your kids to love so that too is your perfectly reasonable choices.

I definitely don't think paying someone 400/month is enough.
I don't really care what it costs because I want my child to be in an environment more like what I would provide if I could afford not to work. If I paid for the childcare completely myself from "my money" that is spare after bills and things I could afford it as long as I didn't buy lunch at work or buy clothes and things.
I don't know whether to just say fine I'll pay for it myself out of my own money.
It's not for a couple of months yet but it's starting to stress me out because I really don't want it but dh is being very inflexible about not wanting to pay nursery fees (even though we discussed them and knew what it would cost before I got pregnant!).

just to add - it's not 'snobby' to choose the best childcare for your child - it's absolutely vital to their wellbeing and development.

Do not under any circusmtances mix business/childcare/ family. agree with others, take your husband out for a day to nurseries/ childminders to understand what a huge commitment it is to work in early years care.

dh is being very inflexible about not wanting to pay nursery fees (even though we discussed them and knew what it would cost before I got pregnant!).

Would it help if a professional/expert told him why it's not a good idea?
could you arrange to Meet your future HV and ask them for advice while your DH is with you?

fossie I'd absolutely love to go part time, but I'd lose over £350/month for every day i dropped so it really isnt feasible unless I found a higher paying job so I could earn similar money on less hours.

Lisa correct, he does very little at the moment. He's working full time, so after he gets in from work there's only about 2h before dc bedtime, and part of that is taken up by him eating dinner etc. On weekends we do it together, but I still tend to do feeds and nappies because I'm quicker because I do it more.

If she doesn't interact alot with her own kids what makes him think she will want to look after yourself.

If you give her 400 then that's only 20 a day. Is he excepting be that to include food? That's not much for a full time child care. Think it would be really cheeky to even suggest it for that.

Also what happens when her kids are unwell or yours is? What if she wants a day off or a holiday?

You want to pay someone £2 per hour to look after your baby???!!!

Your DH is being an utter dick. He has a child therefore he needs to pay towards the care of that child, and ensure the child is in a safe and nurturing environment. If I were you I'd be giving a straight up "no" and wouldn't dream of offering to pay all fees from my own pocket. His child too, he pays too. Regarding his child too so he gets an opinion on childcare - fine; but when what he is suggesting is illegal, exploitative and detrimental both to your child's development and your own personal relationships, the partner with the sensible idea (you) gets to make the choice.

The issue here is him.

Oh ffs

He's just sent me a screenshot, he's asked sil if she'd do it, even though I've said multiple times I don't want it. Maybe using not wanting to affect the relationship and things hasn't been the best option. Apparently sil is motivated by money so won't care about the extra work as long as she's getting more money at the end of the month.

He's said we'd (ugh why not just say he would, why us, I'm really pissed off) be able to give her about 400/ month but it would have to be 8-6. She's put of course I'll have dc, I always will.

He's said he needs an answer soon because he would rather he be with someone he knows and trusts instead of a nursery. Oh I'm so annoyed.

As someone who has used family childcare for both her children I'd say that official childcare is far less stress even if it's more money.

If you pay for childcare you can, within reason dictate the terms of the childcare as you are paying for the right to do this. When you opt for family childcare, even when cash is changing hands it's always seen as a 'favour' and you're expected to like it and lump it.

Whilst I'm utterly grateful I had family that would look after my children with love, being in a position to afford professional childcare that I could influence would have been preferable. I hated being at the mercy of their whims, food ideas, activity ideas, their friends etc.

It's important to be in a position of strength as a parent when you want your child to be cared for in a certain way. Paying the going rate for childcare allows you to do this...it also means you aren't being complicit in tax evasion.

PPs have said it's illegal for SiL to do this.
That sorts your immediate problem.
You're still stuck with the awkward, self-centred DH tho.

Would I be a massive bitch to basically say I don't want her looking after my child instead of trying to be tactful and go for the saving relationships route?

just say no - thank you dear sil but I don't want to take advantage & tell d?h its your decision too

I would consider doing it one day a week max. It's too much to ask someone to do that all day every day for that money anyway. I think it could end up affecting your relationship with her long term, especially if you have different parenting styles. Your child will be bored and understimulated! One day a week won't rub off on your child, especially if they are at nursery the rest of the time. I would pay half the price of a day at nursery, it's not a massive saving but over a year it mounts up.

It is illegal!!! That's the very reason why she shouldn't go to your sil. If you aren't paying her, then child could go to sil. Any money involved and it is illegal. Google it then show dp evidence. If anything happened to your dc what would happen? Early years providers are insured and trained in all areas. I cannot stress enough how wrong it is.

She doesn’t have to be a registered childminder if you employ her as a nanny. On at least minimum wage, obviously, setting up as an employer, paying tax and NI, pension etc. Which I presume your DH would not be happy with?

If you tried to pay her £2 an hour cash in hand and deny her her employment rights, she may be ok with it to start with through ignorance. But one conversation with someone slightly more knowledgeable and she’d (quite rightly) be claiming unpaid wages and backdated holiday entitlement as soon as anything goes wrong with this arrangement. Which it will!

It is illegal!!!

How many times must this be said before you get it?

The childcare cost should be split by you both. It is not just your costs but joint.

Call his bluff and say if your child needs to be cared for by someone he knows then it will be you, you'll give up work and he can pay for everything else!

Wait until SIL's friends all point out she is working for £2 per hour and she wants the going rate, or she loses some form of benefits because she is working more than a certain number of hours etc or she is reported to HMRC etc.

Show him this thread!!

Flowery - we were typing at the same time!

look at it a different way - do you trust her with her ability to safely care for your child? Love your child? You can feed them healthily at home, you can have no screens policies. I'm not sure food is much better at a child minder or nursery. Random caregivers at nursery try but it's not same as a loving relative. Only you can decide but personally I didn't trust a group situation with my baby - they only went to nursery at 3 once they could communicate.

Anyone else getting frustrated at OP ignoring all the comments about it being potentially illegal?

Is she looking after them in your home or her home OP?

Make it clear to DH that if SIL can't look after the kids due to illness/appointment/school function/etc (especially at short notice) then he will need to be the one to take time off from work to look after your DC.