Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want sil to provide childcare

400 replies

Wadewilson · 14/08/2018 10:03

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu, and possibly a bit snobby but that's why I'm asking.

Sil has a part time job during the day that she absolutely hates. She only gets £200/ month for it, but they need that extra money so she can't quit.
I'm due to go back to work after mat leave soon, and local nurseries are about £800/month. DH has suggested instead of that, speaking to his sister and offering her 300-400/month to provide childcare. Cheaper for us than nursery, and she could quit the job she hates and have more money.

The issue is, I dont want her to. I love sil, she's like an actual sister to me and I love spending time with her. But, her children spend almost 24/7 on phones and tablets (they are 2 and 6). If they are playing with toys rather than tablets they are told to be quiet and just go on the tablet instead of making noise. They are also fed convenience foods all the time. Constantly having chocolate, sweets, ice lollies. Actual meals are things like potato waffles with beans and sausage from a tin, frozen pizzas, that sort of thing. The nearest I've seen her children have to a home cooked meal is spag bol from a can. We are there quite a lot, so see a good range of their meals. We've also been away with them before, and all the children will eat is things like burgers and pizzas and chicken nuggets.
I know I sound really snobby and awful by saying that, but that isn't what we eat and definitely not what I want dc to eat. When i was growing up it was all home cooked food, vegetables, proper meals. That's what we eat now, and thats what i want dc to grow up eating. I know i cant force dc to like vegetables and things, but if vegetables and home cooked food is normal there is more chance of them liking it.

Aibu by thinking that? And aibu for not wanting her to provide childcare?
And do people have any other options? We could afford the 800 for nursery, but it would make things tight, and dh is insistent about not paying it and giving his sister money instead.

OP posts:
squeaver · 14/08/2018 12:42

I know this isn't constructive but I can't get over how much of an arse your husband is being.

Cuppaorwine · 14/08/2018 12:43

I don’t think he’s illegal if it’s a close family member! Grandparents don’t need to register with ofsted and As a registered CM I wasn’t required to do obs or EYFS for my neice while I minded her.

However this has disaster written all over it. Be honest with your dh. No way

Hogtini · 14/08/2018 12:43

YANBU. Don't do it - for the sake of saving your existing relationship. You obviously have very different parenting styles and it sounds like it could lead to a massive fall out. Not worth it.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 14/08/2018 12:45

It's not his decision, just text the pair of them and say it's not happening! Subject closed Angry

AnoukSpirit · 14/08/2018 12:45

i understand it is illegal, but neither dh or sil would care in the slightest, so he wouldn't accept that as a reason not to do it regardless of what I say.

No.

That is what you tell him. If he loves you and respects you as his wife and the mother of his child then he will listen.

All of the reasons you have are more than sufficient on their own, but if your position is no, it is not acceptable, then that is all there is to it.

If he won't listen to you and/or you're afraid to tell him no and stand your ground then there is a bigger problem here.

Are you afraid of standing up to him? Because it's starting to read that way.

DolorestheNewt · 14/08/2018 12:46

I don’t think it's illegal if it’s a close family member! I think the illegality kicks in because she would be being paid, not from the fact that she's a close family member providing childcare. In other words, once she's paid, she crosses a boundary. But I absolutely don't claim legal expertise here.

Chocchip88 · 14/08/2018 12:46

Is it still illegal even if the child carer is the child's aunt? Or is it because money is being handed over?
Either way, illegal or not, if you're not comfortable please don't do it, it's not worth the worry.

Cuppaorwine · 14/08/2018 12:47

its not illegal to childmind a close family relative folks! You don’t need to register with ofsted

But no op don’t do it. Also the cash in hand is dodgy

lindyhopy · 14/08/2018 12:47

I think you should text SIL now before she starts getting excited and telling the rest of the family. Just say, sorry DP has got the wrong end of the stick and DC will be going to nursery.

CousinKrispy · 14/08/2018 12:49

Contact SIL fast before she hands in notice at her job!

Mitzimaybe · 14/08/2018 12:50

I haven't RTFT but a lot of people are saying that she would need to become a registered childminder. This is not true because she is a close relative (aunt) of the child/ren being minded.

Cherubfish · 14/08/2018 12:51

I would be so furious with DH if he did this when he knew it wasn't what I wanted.

PolkaHots · 14/08/2018 12:51

God he sounds awful! You could offer to pay yourself, but surely that’s going to put an awful strain on your marriage.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/08/2018 12:52

She is not qualified or insured or inspected so not sure of the legalities.

At nursery or childminder they work towards a framework of early years education within their play etc - they have targets and observations that they record to check that children develop in all areas as expected. It is surprisingly structured for young kids (not that the kids notice but in terms of what the adults do). There is messy play, sensory play, singing,communication, outside play etc etc. The premises and trips out ate all risk assessed. There are contingencies for illness. Doesn't sound like anything your sil will provide. I don't think all of this necessarily matters at a young age especially if caregivers do a lot with the kids. But it will probably make a difference if they're on a tablet most of the day.

I don't think your sil's need for cash trumps your need for a childcare setting you're comfortable with.

I would at least ask your husband to look round a few nurseries with you before making a decision so he can see the differences. Maybe you could compromise with one day a week with your SIL if she works part time and you have some agreements around tablet time etc and you could also provide meals if you want to. You could also pick an activity on that day (baby gym or something) in term time that she could take your child and her youngest to so at least you know she'd be out of the house and doing something that they don't normally do at nursery (you might have to pay for hers as well)

toomuchtooold · 14/08/2018 12:53

It's a pretty straightforward choice I think - either tell your SIL now you don't want to do it (make some shit up about being awkward about mixing family and money, or say the HV said that your DC needs more contact to a wider variety of kids or somesuch) and that will be awkward, but it will be one bout of awkwardness, or you go ahead with this and then your relationship with her will suffer death by 1000 cuts as you try and get her to make an effort with your kids, ably hampered by your DH, and you end up putting your kids in a nursery in 6 months' time anyway except now your SIL hates you and your kids' meal preferences have narrowed down to burgers and fish fingers.

whathappenedtherethen · 14/08/2018 12:56

If money is changing hands then it is illegal. There are no tax allowances either. The childcare provider must be registered to allow parents childcare vouchers or the governments tax scheme. A child carer can look after a family member and not have to follow eyfs as long as there is no payment, once payment has been made then that child should have obs and eyfs guidance followed.

achoocashew · 14/08/2018 12:58

It isn't illegal if she works from the op,s home as a nanny, not as a childminder. You would need to pay her properly and employ her though, otherwise it is illegal. The terrible pay is illegal, you don't need qualifications by law to work as a nanny though.

PolkaHots · 14/08/2018 12:58

I agree with ehoever said upthread Your husband is proposing to offer her £400 a month to ignore your baby

RabbitsAreTasty · 14/08/2018 12:59

You are too scared of a row.

Sometimes you need a row.

Sometimes you need to say no. Sometimes you need to say that she would get caught because you would report it yourself in advance.

chezare84 · 14/08/2018 13:00

There's a reason why quality childcare costs money! You get what you pay for 🤷🏽‍♀️

DolorestheNewt · 14/08/2018 13:01

This is from the Lambeth website, and it was updated July 2018. Bold is mine. Annoyingly, it doesn't clarify if close family members cease to be on the side of the angels if they're paid.

Unregistered childcare
You should be clear about the law surrounding unregistered childcare. All childminders must be registered with Ofsted, but if you make your own arrangements with an unregistered friend, you could be breaking the law.

Anyone, who is not a close family member, who cares for a child under the age of 8, for more than two hours in one go, for 14 or more days a year, for payment or reward, must register as a childminder.

Reward does not just mean money - it also covers the supply of free childcare in arrangements where friends take it in turns to look after each others children.

Close family members (brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles) can provide childcare as much as they like without needing to register as a childminder.

Non-family members don't have to register if:

the children are aged 8 and over
the childcare only takes place between 6pm and 2am
it takes place fewer than two hours a day, or 14 days a year
it takes place in the parents' home
no payment or reward is received for the services.

ExFury · 14/08/2018 13:03

It’s not illegal to pay a relative for childcare. There’s no obligation for them to follow the eyfs etc. Either in your home or theirs.

So don’t use that as your reasoning OP. Especially as paying £400 could e explained as a small token amount plus money for food, activities etc.

You need to talk to your DH about the childcare you want for your DS without using the legal angle as as soon as he looks it up he’ll find the details (possibly even from mumsnet) and you’ll have to either go with it or then say you don’t want her to look after your DS.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/08/2018 13:04

Doloresthenewt I have been trying to say this but no-one is listening. It is not illegal for family to care for children without being registered.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 14/08/2018 13:04

I wouldn't do it. It sounds like she'd get more out of a nursery. Plus it doesn't sound
like a great deal for your sister in law either with that rate of pay.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/08/2018 13:05

So that line needs to be put aside and OP needs to concentrate on the other aspects of this care not being right for her DC.