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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want sil to provide childcare

400 replies

Wadewilson · 14/08/2018 10:03

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu, and possibly a bit snobby but that's why I'm asking.

Sil has a part time job during the day that she absolutely hates. She only gets £200/ month for it, but they need that extra money so she can't quit.
I'm due to go back to work after mat leave soon, and local nurseries are about £800/month. DH has suggested instead of that, speaking to his sister and offering her 300-400/month to provide childcare. Cheaper for us than nursery, and she could quit the job she hates and have more money.

The issue is, I dont want her to. I love sil, she's like an actual sister to me and I love spending time with her. But, her children spend almost 24/7 on phones and tablets (they are 2 and 6). If they are playing with toys rather than tablets they are told to be quiet and just go on the tablet instead of making noise. They are also fed convenience foods all the time. Constantly having chocolate, sweets, ice lollies. Actual meals are things like potato waffles with beans and sausage from a tin, frozen pizzas, that sort of thing. The nearest I've seen her children have to a home cooked meal is spag bol from a can. We are there quite a lot, so see a good range of their meals. We've also been away with them before, and all the children will eat is things like burgers and pizzas and chicken nuggets.
I know I sound really snobby and awful by saying that, but that isn't what we eat and definitely not what I want dc to eat. When i was growing up it was all home cooked food, vegetables, proper meals. That's what we eat now, and thats what i want dc to grow up eating. I know i cant force dc to like vegetables and things, but if vegetables and home cooked food is normal there is more chance of them liking it.

Aibu by thinking that? And aibu for not wanting her to provide childcare?
And do people have any other options? We could afford the 800 for nursery, but it would make things tight, and dh is insistent about not paying it and giving his sister money instead.

OP posts:
Inertia · 14/08/2018 12:10

I would contact SIL directly and say that DH has spoken out of turn, and you plan to arrange formal childcare for your baby. Don’t let this drift out of politeness, your husband has no qualms about trying to overrrule you.

User212434667 · 14/08/2018 12:11

Why does DH get the final say? Just because others are doing it, and you’d lie if found out Hmm doesn’t make it any less illegal.

Just say you are not comfortable using illegal unregistered childcare, the arrangement isn’t formal enough to give you the cover you need (for you SIL being sick etc.) and that your DC will not be getting the quality of education she’d get in nursery. If your DH is the only one with a career in his family, surely he has higher aspirations for his own child? 24/7 iPad and beige ping food is actually going to disadvantage your DC over time compared to peers in high quality childcare settings.

user1487194234 · 14/08/2018 12:14

This is a very difficult situationYour DH seems to being a bit of an arse,but maybe he is worried about money. It is his child too so I suppose he has an equal say in what is happening.You want what's best for your child,as we all do,but it could be argued that having a child in full time nursey is not great,and certainly won't give your child the same sort of childhood you had. Talk to your DH,listen to him ad reach a compromise,he is not the enemy ,keep talking and listening and I am sure you can reach agreement/compromise

PrimalLass · 14/08/2018 12:17

Oh he's so cheeky. How dare he?

Returnofthesmileybar · 14/08/2018 12:20

Stop being tactful, he doesn't give a shit about your feelings so why are you pussy footing around his????

Text him "That's going to make for an awkward conversation for you because it is NOT happening! I wanted no part of it, you dragged me into it now get yourself out of it without using me. My son is not having an upbringing like you had and like your sisters children have. I tried to be tactful but it hasn't worked, I cannot believe you went behind my back and asked without a joint decision. You have disrespected me, will end up insulting your sister and put our son second to money - I am beyond furious!"

Shampooeeee · 14/08/2018 12:20

Tell your DH no, you don’t want her looking after your child full time. There are lots of valid areas to scrimp and save- childcare is not one of them.

Pinkvoid · 14/08/2018 12:20

I get your DH’s point but I wouldn’t do it as I think asking family for anything, paid or otherwise, always risks causing rifts.

She may grow to resent you if you insist your DC is only fed these foods and doesn’t have much screen time. I couldn’t be arsed with it.

Original poster
Wadewilson · 14/08/2018 12:27

Well he pays £12.50/day at work for lunches and coffee and things.
So worked out over the same period as nurseries (51 weeks per year), that's £265/month.
If he adds that to the 400 he is willing to pay sil that's hardly less than nursery.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 14/08/2018 12:27

as long as they come to your home and it's for a maximum of 3h/day or outside of working hours its not illegal, so that would cover a bit of babysitting

What your DH is suggesting your SIL does is illegal.

whathappenedtherethen · 14/08/2018 12:29

As Phoebe in friends would say "STOP THE MADNESS!!!!" No ones even listening, it is illegal 😡. I'm not saying it again, it's getting tedious 🙄

Original poster
Wadewilson · 14/08/2018 12:29

pinkvoid that's the issue. It's hard saying to family I want them fed this and do this etc. It's like me saying what they do isn't good enough, and that's pretty offensive isn't it.
I'd rather emotions not be involved. I'd be ok with 1 or 2 days a week, but the hours it would be is too much for it to be so different to how I want

OP posts:
geekone · 14/08/2018 12:29

It’s easy just say no. Speak to your sister in law and say you want to have your DC go to nursery to socialise and get ready for school etc.
T

Original poster
Wadewilson · 14/08/2018 12:30

Whathappened i understand it is illegal, but neither dh or sil would care in the slightest, so he wouldn't accept that as a reason not to do it regardless of what I say.

OP posts:
User212434667 · 14/08/2018 12:31

whathappened the OP has said her DH wouldn’t care and they would lie if reported...

User212434667 · 14/08/2018 12:32

Cross post!

codswallopandbalderdash · 14/08/2018 12:32

You aren't being snobby or unreasonable. You just want what's best for your child. Even if we had been offered family childcare I would've refused it as DS got so much out of nursery and is so ready for school now as a result.

squeaver · 14/08/2018 12:34

Your SIL is thinking "KER-CHING! I'll be doubling my salary without having to lift a finger."

Your DH is thinking "KER-CHING! We're saving £400 a month!"

No one is thinking about all the downsides explained on this thread and I guarantee this will end in tears.

I can't quite work out the maths but could she still do it for a couple of days a week? So she can quit her job and still get £200/month and it would also reduce your nursery fees?

whathappenedtherethen · 14/08/2018 12:35

Wadewilson If DH isn't concerned now he sure will be when something goes terribly wrong. So be it, you can only tell someone so many times, on your heads be it, whatever happens 🙄

codswallopandbalderdash · 14/08/2018 12:36

posted too soon. I would go down the line of nurseries offering so much more - builds social skills, gets them used to making lots of friends, more opportunities for messy play, outdoor activities, trying new things, building immune system early. DS nursery provided cooked hot meal for lunch - it was great. DS ate stuff at nursery (i.e. anything green) that he point blank refused to do at home. Go see nurseries, see what they offer and concentrate on the positives. Say you would prefer to rely on SiL to do other babysitting rather than a regular commitment. One of the advantages of nursery is that they are always open!

DolorestheNewt · 14/08/2018 12:36

OP, I don't mean to be heavy-handed, but will you face any kind of prosecution for leaving your child in a childcare arrangement that is illegal if there is an accident and the police become involved? I imagine it would be hard to conceal the payments if you and your SIL were being investigated. No-one is going to believe that she's looking after your DC for 50 hours a week out of familial loyalty. It may be worth raising that with your DH if you are finding him somewhat sticky on this issue.

eveholt · 14/08/2018 12:37

Professional childcare is always something that should be worth investing in - our nursery isn't the cheapest (or most expensive) but the activities they do and the care they provide is such good quality, and in most cases the activities and social interaction are more than I would be able to provide. It's where your child is going to learn and develop!

Don't scrimp on childcare when this is so obviously a crap option!

Ignoramusgiganticus · 14/08/2018 12:37

Compromise

Pay her £250 and use her for two days. You save £70 and she makes a little more than she does now.
Or it would cost you £480 for 3 days at nursery so offer to pay her £300 for 3 days. You save £180, she gets more money and two days free of childcare.

Thehop · 14/08/2018 12:38

Yanbu

The ways that your child will benefit from being with a registered childminder or in a good nursery far outway being looked after by your SIL.

Peaseblossom22 · 14/08/2018 12:39

If your child has an accident in your SIL care then she will have no insurance . If she drives with your child in the car and has an accident then she will not he insured. Is your dh willing to risk your child in this way , he is very naive if he thinks that this would not be found out . How will the SIL explain the extra income ? I would be having second thoughts about a relationship with anyone happy to break the law and collude in tax deception ( assuming he is planing to pay cash)

LlamaPyjamas · 14/08/2018 12:41

Ok, so DH and SIL don’t care that it’s illegal. What about when she gets reported for tax evasion or benefit fraud, or gets investigated for illegal childminding? Will they still not care when she gets taken to court? Or when you fall out and she sues you for not paying min wage and pension?

If you’re unable to stop this going ahead then perhaps you should be the one who reports SIL to HMRC and Ofsted!