Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want sil to provide childcare

400 replies

Wadewilson · 14/08/2018 10:03

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu, and possibly a bit snobby but that's why I'm asking.

Sil has a part time job during the day that she absolutely hates. She only gets £200/ month for it, but they need that extra money so she can't quit.
I'm due to go back to work after mat leave soon, and local nurseries are about £800/month. DH has suggested instead of that, speaking to his sister and offering her 300-400/month to provide childcare. Cheaper for us than nursery, and she could quit the job she hates and have more money.

The issue is, I dont want her to. I love sil, she's like an actual sister to me and I love spending time with her. But, her children spend almost 24/7 on phones and tablets (they are 2 and 6). If they are playing with toys rather than tablets they are told to be quiet and just go on the tablet instead of making noise. They are also fed convenience foods all the time. Constantly having chocolate, sweets, ice lollies. Actual meals are things like potato waffles with beans and sausage from a tin, frozen pizzas, that sort of thing. The nearest I've seen her children have to a home cooked meal is spag bol from a can. We are there quite a lot, so see a good range of their meals. We've also been away with them before, and all the children will eat is things like burgers and pizzas and chicken nuggets.
I know I sound really snobby and awful by saying that, but that isn't what we eat and definitely not what I want dc to eat. When i was growing up it was all home cooked food, vegetables, proper meals. That's what we eat now, and thats what i want dc to grow up eating. I know i cant force dc to like vegetables and things, but if vegetables and home cooked food is normal there is more chance of them liking it.

Aibu by thinking that? And aibu for not wanting her to provide childcare?
And do people have any other options? We could afford the 800 for nursery, but it would make things tight, and dh is insistent about not paying it and giving his sister money instead.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 14/08/2018 11:44

This is a recipe for disaster. Putting aside the legalities, she has 2yo who assume would have to be with her while she cared for your DC? Is she likely to be able to put your child's needs before those of here own? Probably not. I am sure she is fine as an occasional babysitter but not to provide full time child care.

User212434667 · 14/08/2018 11:46

Are you ignoring the fact it’s illegal as neither you or your DH care?

Your SIL could get into serious trouble. Don’t put her in that position.

FilledSoda · 14/08/2018 11:47

Why is this still being discussed ?
IT IS ILLEGAL !

DolorestheNewt · 14/08/2018 11:48

Anyone else getting frustrated at OP ignoring all the comments about it being potentially illegal?
I imagine the OP is going to check that out - there can be an awful lot of misinformation on MN (as it happens, I'm sure it is illegal, but lots of things are described as illegal on MN that aren't, so she's probably checking it out. Come on, OP, back me up here...)

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 14/08/2018 11:49

I never knew it was illegal. Says who? Surely you can pay who you like to look after your own child.

Missingstreetlife · 14/08/2018 11:49

What blue skies said.

Nofilter · 14/08/2018 11:50

My DD literally bloomed by going to nursery. I know it's a personal choice and I'm not saying nursery is better but she started walking within a few weeks, her speech has come on so much and she learned loads...

If you can I'd do that!

SnuggyBuggy · 14/08/2018 11:51

Would it also be illegal to pay a teen you know to babysit? Seems rather strict.

fuzzywuzzy · 14/08/2018 11:54

I'd tell him he's paying it out of his pocket if he insists on SIL doing it. And deals with picking up ad dropping her off to SIL and anything else.

He doesn't sound like he listens at all to anything you say.

I would not be happy with this arrangement either.

What happens if SIL wants to go on holiday, is off sick etc?

Tell him also she ill need to register to mind your DC, will she be willing to put the time, money, and effort in to do that?

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2018 11:54

You send her a text. You say something like. “It is so lovely you’ve agreed to this. I’ve explained to dh several times why it isn’t possible as we cannot put you in danger of illegally childminding nor expect you to do a cm course along with getting ofsted registered. So thanks so much for saying yes and I will absolutely bear your offer in mind. But for the moment I don’t see how it will be possible.”

ApolloandDaphne · 14/08/2018 11:57

Everything i can see relating to paying a relative to care for your child suggests this is absolutely fine. Different if it is a friend but not a relative.

Notquitegrownup2 · 14/08/2018 11:57

I'd tell him that it's great that he loves his sister and wants to support her, but he should not be putting her above his children's welfare. Yes he managed to break free from his family's expectations and forge a good career, but all of the research suggests that early learning, such as they provide in a nursery, is key to success in school and beyond. See if you can google for the links between early years education and life opportunities.

It's time to be a dad and put his kids first. He can tell your sil that he has just discovered that it is illegal for her to do this unregistered and that he's sorry but it can't go ahead.

Original poster
Wadewilson · 14/08/2018 11:58

I wasn't aware it was illegal so I've looked it up.
snuggy as long as they come to your home and it's for a maximum of 3h/day or outside of working hours its not illegal, so that would cover a bit of babysitting.

I honestly don't think would care though. He's thinking it's 400/month less money out of his pocket if he pays sil instead of a nursery. I disagree, but I dont know how to change his mind. He would be of the view that nobody would know, and if anything was said about the childcare they would say they weren't getting paid for it.

His other sister pays his mum £20/week to have her child while she works Shock. It's about 6h a day she has dn.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 14/08/2018 11:58

Here is a Mumsnet page with this very information right at the bottom.

JellyBears · 14/08/2018 12:00

A nanny makes up to 2000 a month before tax so m unless you prepared to pay her properly..

Jaxhog · 14/08/2018 12:00

And why is your DH putting his sister’s needs before his own child’s?

This is the point really.

Also note re not being a registered child minder and holiday cover, sickness cover etc. Does she have insurance for if (when) your child is injured?

Bezm · 14/08/2018 12:01

You need to message both your DH and SIL saying something like

'Thanks so much for offering to look after XXX. Of course we know you can't actually do this until you've done the childminder training, so we will sort out a nursery until that's been done. If you could let us know when you'll be cleared I'll be able to let the nursery know.'

You're not saying no outright, but you're also not saying yes. In private, you need to tell your DH that your child will not be going to SIL or anyone else until they are properly registered, as you'd hate for anything to go wrong such aa the tax office chasing your SIL for undeclared income.

JellyBears · 14/08/2018 12:01

It’s not illegal as long as you enjoy her as a nanny etc.

If she’s having LO in her own home then she’s a childminder and needs I be ofsted registered etc

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 14/08/2018 12:01

This is quite an old case, but an illustration of the fact that what your DH is suggesting is illegal. And it's illegal for a good reason.

www.theguardian.com/politics/2009/sep/28/government-orders-review-babysitting-police

OP, your childhood sounded lovely, but your kid is not going to have that if they're in childcare 50 hours a week. Maybe go part time if that's how you want them brought up? Good luck with sorting it out anyway.

youokhon · 14/08/2018 12:02

£300-£400 per month means you are paying her LESS THAN £2 PER HOUR

And? Many cms only get £3.50 per child, for that they are registered, insured, inspected and have a whole range of expenses. Certainly should not be looking at giving sil more than a trained professional with far higher outgoings!

Put your foot down op, it's a bad idea

converseandjeans · 14/08/2018 12:03

YANBU - could you ask her to do one day a week instead and maybe send a packed lunch with things like rice cakes/raisins/small roll so you know it's healthier.
I would also consider dropping a day a month - personally I think it's worth the drop in pay. Not sure what you do but would they consider 4 longer days?
I used a childminder and it was cheaper than nursery, maybe that might work? It's a shame DH can't see how awful it is for little kids to be sat on tablets/phones and not out doing stuff outdoors etc.

converseandjeans · 14/08/2018 12:06

Also it's better to upset her a bit now than to allow this to go ahead. You will just be resentful.
Can't you ask your family?

Pebblesandfriends · 14/08/2018 12:06

I would call her and tell her to ignore DH's message and that he hadn't discussed it with you and sorry for putting her in an awkward position. I'd then go nuclear on DH. Does he always disregard your wishes like this?

Jaxhog · 14/08/2018 12:08

Make it clear to DH, that if your SiL cannot look after DC for ANY reason - he takes the time off, not you.

Waffles80 · 14/08/2018 12:09

God - what a nightmare situation. I can’t believe your DH has acted like this without consulting you. So rude.

You’ll have to totally insist. Don’t pay for it yourself - childcare is a family expense.

Swipe left for the next trending thread