to be concerned with SD's obsession with babies?

[Yannia]

My first is due in November. Me and DH so excited, and so is SD, 7. Problem is, she's obsessed with babies, and this makes me extremely nervous. This paired with her inability to listen has made me dread her being around when DC is born.

Last week, I went to visit a friend who has a 2 month old. SD came with me. I thought it would be nice for her to spend some time with a tiny baby before her brother/sister is born. She was absolutely awful. She wouldn't put the baby down, my friend had to tell her off, when she was put down for a nap in the next room, SD said she was going to the toilet, however she was actually going to see baby. She woke the baby up and when my friend went in baby had milk on her face. SD had taken one of her milk bottles and tried to feed her even though she was told not to. She lied about going to the toilet. When I held baby, she whined and said that the baby wanted her, not me and went off in a strop when I told her not to be rude and that babies are not toys. She tried to put her toy dummy from her doll in the baby's mouth and in the end, we had to leave.

I was completely embarrassed, my friend was stressed and had asked me not to bring her round again until baby is older (completely understandable), and even though this is something we have talked to her about numerous times, she just will not listen.

I love that she loves babies, and know that when the novelty has worn off she will likely be a wonderful big sister, however I am so nervous about those early weeks and don't want to have to worry about leaving baby on their own in their Moses basket briefly whilst I pee/brush my teeth/shower etc.

How do me and DH tackle this? We have talked to her sternly about it but it just seems to be a recurring thing every time she is around a baby. It's worrying me and I'm close to saying that I refuse to have her on my own when baby is first born because I can't cope with both of them.

I understand I may sound like I'm being completely over the top, I just worry about my baby, am extremely anxious already and could really use some advice on how to tackle this.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks. Y

It sounds like she's just excited and keen to help!

I think you should sit her down with a doll and explain how she needs to behave with the baby when it gets here and maybe let her help prep some clothes.

Ooh this sounds like a tricky one OP! Sorry you're so stressed about this. Are there any kids books you could buy to read with your SD about babies and how to look after them? I'm thinking about one of those books they make to help broach difficult subjects like "mummy's got a lump", "where has grandad gone" etc. Is there one with tips on how to be a great older sibling? Or alternatively maybe you could do some googling and find some TV programs that talk about the subject? Something that shows older siblings looking after babies, letting them sleep etc. Maybe if she sees examples of what's the right behaviour she'll understand and copy that. Something off the top of my head!

@MrsSnootyPants2018 absolutely which is why I am sure that she's going to be a lovely big sister, it's just the lies and constant need to supervise that I worry about. The tantrums when she isn't allowed to hold the baby.

We have sat down with a doll (she has lots!) and shown her how to hold a baby, talked to her about how fragile they are, so, so many times. It just seems that when she is around a baby she forgets it all and acts as though they are dolls. It's the lies that I worry about... saying she's going to do something else when actually she's gone to wake the baby up. I can't be watching her all the time, I'm just so anxious about it.

@bibbidybobbidyboo thank you. I'm considering getting the midwife to talk to her about it (I'm having two weekly appointments and will be taking her to one with me - it's only a blood test). Just don't want to waste their time...

Is it possible she could be very anxious/ worried about being pushed out/ replaced by a new baby and is over compensating?

Maybe recognising it is a really major thing for her, making sure she still feels an important part of things (which I'm sure you are doing) and when the baby is here giving her some important (but safe) ways to help you with looking after her younger sibling?

No advice but it's pretty normal.

@Dontrocktheboat I genuinely don't think this is the case as she has acted exactly like this before - before she knew about baby and before I as pregnant. She's always had an obsession with babies. She's always been clingy around babies and has always asked about them more than what I would consider the norm for a 7 year old. It doesn't seem to have heightened, it just never concerned me before as whilst it was embarrassing, I wasn't pregnant and was always able to remove her from the situation.

Hopefully she will calm down. I don't want to dream my own SD being around...

I think you are well within your rights to say you can’t have her on her own once the baby is here. She needs to get used to the baby when there is always an adult there too, and as you say peeing and showers could be tricky. Once she is used to it( and you know the excitement has worn off and that she will not throw a curved ball), then she can come with just you and the baby there.

@BuntyII really? Maybe I am over stressing but I just worry so much.

@Yannia The fact that it doesn't register with dolls makes me think a TV show is the best idea - seeing an actual real life baby on screen might hammer the idea home more than a doll

It sounds a bit strange tbh.

At 7 I would expect her to understand that she mustn’t do those things to a baby, my older two were 3&5 when my youngest were born and understood they have to be careful and not put anything in baby’s mouth without our permission.

@bibbidybobbidyboo I'm going to have a search through YouTube tonight. There MUST be something educational out there!

Could you assign her a couple of "Very Important Jobs" for her baby sibling?
eg, she could be in charge of singing (quiet) songs when baby is sleepy, or reading (quiet) stories, or making sure that the nappies in the bathroom are put away properly, or something like that (but better!)

Obviously you will still be very strict about what she is not allowed to do without you, but giving her something else (which presents no risk to baby) might help make her feel included, and distract her from doing the things she shouldn't? Giving her a small responsibility might help her act a bit more grown up too!

There are probably story books out there which cover the issue, maybe look for ones where there is a strong theme of being very careful around babies.

And tbh, as difficult as it will be, you will probably have to be extra careful about not leaving her alone with the baby until you can trust her. (At least Moses baskets are transportable. You may have to take the basket into the bathroom with you when you pee - the inability to pee in private is more common than you may think among parents of young dc. )

I think it’s fair to not want to have your DSD by yourself at first; my DSD was great with DD but I didn’t have them both without DH for a good few months mostly because it didn’t seem fair for DSD when my attention would be so much on DD.
The midwife idea is a good one and I think you’ll have to be vigilant when baby is born

@Thesearmsofmine exactly. It's the lies and the not listening that I worry about. I too thought that this was a red flag considering she is 7 years old. I honestly know 4/5 year olds that are far better at listening and absorbing information, especially that which they have been told numerous times before.

@SquishySquirmy thank you. I think that's a really good idea. Gosh this is so stressful. I know it sounds awful but many first time mums get the chance to have that alone time with their baby to learn the ropes. It's not until your second that you usually have another child to look after at the same time, and even then, it's usually your own child. It's so hard in this situation. I'll absolutely manage but need to find a balance before I lose the plot.

If you have a small toddler and a baby unfortunately you do need to watch them all the time! So I think you just get used to it.
You never know, you might end up like us: DS is 6 and obsessed with babies (though he prefers them when they can smile at him) but treats DD (4 but small/poor language) like an annoying fly. He reserves his flirting/ball rolling for babies in cafes or the park.

And tbh, as difficult as it will be, you will probably have to be extra careful about not leaving her alone with the baby until you can trust her.

I agree with this. I’d say to DH that I don’t want to be alone looking after SD until I could trust her with baby. The toy dummy/sneaking off to secretly feed her could be extremely dangerous and I wouldn’t want to put either of them in that situation.

(PS we adopted ours but separately but I know other adoptive parents who have two arrive together - so must have had to do this too!)

@drspouse I think the problem is that when most women become mothers for the first time, they have that time to themselves and their baby to get used to being a mum. Second baby usually comes along once they've done it all before. I absolutely knew what I was getting myself in to being with someone with a child and I wouldn't wish her away for the world. I just find it hard as I have never had a baby before and instead of looking forward to become a mum, I'm worrying about SD.

To be honest, when babies are little they are almost always in the same room as you anyway. They don't really do sleeping in Moses baskets in another room - well, mine certainly didn't. So you might be worrying about nothing.
Get a stretchy wrap, and put baby in that where SD cannot get to her.
I agree that it sounds like SD is trying to exercise some control over the baby through the form of play - she probably does feel unsettled by the new arrival on some level, so I'd try to think of some ways to work on that if you can. What is your partner's perspective on the situation?

The approach used in Noel Janis norton calmer easier happier parenting (there are loads of books paper and audio) worked well when my children were around that age. Essentially you use a 'think through' of the situation whereby you talk about it but then ask the child to explain back the 'what if's' and consequences.. so the child really has to think and consider the consequences in this case of mishandling or playing with the baby like they were a toy. And because it's the child thinking/talking it seems to firm up in their mind the correct behaviour.
I highly recommend her books and approach and this is just the sort of situation it's brilliant for. Obv the book explains it much better than I do!!

Get a stretchy wrap, and put baby in that where SD cannot get to her.

Good plan!

Is she quite young for her age? 7 seems a little old to be doing these deliberately naughty/impulsive things.

@Quodlibet to be honest he is really concerned and has had stern words. He has also talked to her mum who is also going to have words with her (they are very amicable!). She does have issues with not listening in general and not just with this and he is trying to tackle it with her mum involved too. I've never known a 7 year old who finds it so hard to listen.