to be concerned with SD's obsession with babies?

[Yannia]

My first is due in November. Me and DH so excited, and so is SD, 7. Problem is, she's obsessed with babies, and this makes me extremely nervous. This paired with her inability to listen has made me dread her being around when DC is born.

Last week, I went to visit a friend who has a 2 month old. SD came with me. I thought it would be nice for her to spend some time with a tiny baby before her brother/sister is born. She was absolutely awful. She wouldn't put the baby down, my friend had to tell her off, when she was put down for a nap in the next room, SD said she was going to the toilet, however she was actually going to see baby. She woke the baby up and when my friend went in baby had milk on her face. SD had taken one of her milk bottles and tried to feed her even though she was told not to. She lied about going to the toilet. When I held baby, she whined and said that the baby wanted her, not me and went off in a strop when I told her not to be rude and that babies are not toys. She tried to put her toy dummy from her doll in the baby's mouth and in the end, we had to leave.

I was completely embarrassed, my friend was stressed and had asked me not to bring her round again until baby is older (completely understandable), and even though this is something we have talked to her about numerous times, she just will not listen.

I love that she loves babies, and know that when the novelty has worn off she will likely be a wonderful big sister, however I am so nervous about those early weeks and don't want to have to worry about leaving baby on their own in their Moses basket briefly whilst I pee/brush my teeth/shower etc.

How do me and DH tackle this? We have talked to her sternly about it but it just seems to be a recurring thing every time she is around a baby. It's worrying me and I'm close to saying that I refuse to have her on my own when baby is first born because I can't cope with both of them.

I understand I may sound like I'm being completely over the top, I just worry about my baby, am extremely anxious already and could really use some advice on how to tackle this.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks. Y

@cakesandchocolate thank you. I'm absolutely going to look in to that method as it sounds like it makes them think as opposed to just telling them and it going in one ear and out the other. Thanks a lot!

I was going to suggest just what Squishy said. Giving her a couple of jobs that are hers and that she can see as very important, and very helpful to mum and dad might be a way to involve her at a good level (because keeping her at too much of a distance might make her more likely to sneak in to see the baby?)

@HeckyPeck I agree! Great idea!

@OkMaybeNot very young for her age. I think so anyway. Would never say that to DH as there's absolutely no point, but yes she does have the mentality of a younger child at times.

If you're showering or something you can't wear baby in a sling for, you'll need to put them in a bouncer in the room with you. I take dc2 and put him in his poddlepod on the floor if dc1 is eating as dc1 wants to share food.

No way around having to have at least one of them in sight at all times unfortunately! Learnt this when I came back into the room to see dc1 (22 months) trying to pick dc2 up.

I’d be worried about this behaviour too, from a 7yo. DD1 was 3 when DD2 was born and she understood what she could and couldn’t do with her sister. The lies and sneaking off to feed a friend's baby I see as very unusual. It’s really naughty behaviour; to lie so she could do something she had been specifically told not to do.

I think you are right to refuse to have them both on your own. Also get a sling and keep the baby in that most of the time. You’ll have your hands free to do activities with SD and baby won’t be alone for SD to try and pick up.

I also think you need to set some ground rules; eg she is never ever allowed to pick up the baby without you there to hand the baby over and supervise. She must never try to feed the baby or put anything in their mouth. Etc

I think it's actually quite easy to always take the baby with you, if she's around. I did, not for this reason but because I was very anxious at first and worried about leaving my newborn alone at all. I used a sling, and also had one of those simple bouncers that the baby lies down in. I could have a bath or shower with DS next to me on the bathroom floor.

But also I think it's totally fine to expect not to be left alone with your SD and your new baby for any length of time. A baby is full-on and you shouldn't have to.

Yannia I have 2 boys who find it very difficult to listen and the eldest is very impulsive - they're older now but we used that approach loads for lots of situations and it really works well - e.g. Going to a restaurant, what sort of behaviour do you think is expected? What might happen if you get up and run around? How might that affect the other families there? Etc. It really helped us. The boys are 11 and 13 and we still use a 'think through' on occasion!!

Could ye make a book together while ye await the baby. Maybe a picture of her as a baby annd write what her dad did like holding her gently.
Then stick in a piture of your bump or scan and write about that. Focus on whats in it for her. So Susie will be very gentle with the baby and that will make her a super big sister. Susan will not touch the baby when asked and that means she gets to hold the baby for 1 min.
Get her to come up with her own ideas.

Also helped with new things - starting school, one parent going away that sort of thing

Just try and involve her as much as you can. I was like this when I was younger, I absolutely loved babies.
And when baby is bigger and more mobile she will be an absolute god send when you want to crack on with other stuff!

And remember pregnancy hormones make all worries feel 10x worse. You will get the hang of it all and be able to be in control of SD's access to the baby. SD may have some issues and difficulties, eg with listening, but this is not primarily your problem to solve, that's her own parents' job and it does sound as if her dad takes it seriously, which is good. You can and should focus on your baby and yourself.

@NotUmbongoUnchained to be honest I don't want her to be involved in everything. Of course when she is here she can help with bits and pieces, but this is my first baby and I need to learn the ropes a bit. I want her to be involved, and of course she can help change nappies and learn about breast feeding etc, but I can't go out of my way to involve her as much as I can. It's just too much and I will need my time too. This sounds awful because it is her sibling but I can't have her hanging off me every second and I am concerned about getting the balance right without pushing her out. I wouldn't like her to feel like I don't care about her.

@MsJinglyJones oh he absolutely does take it seriously and in my opinion he does a cracking job trying to deal with it. He is nurturing, but can be strict when he needs to be. I think some kids really just don't listen and in this case I think it's going to take a little longer for her to understand.

Is your partner taking paternity leave? Can you get some help at first? Even if you can't I think it's reasonable to have the first few weeks to yourself to heal etc.

I also think it will be a good idea to give her a few jobs to do so she feels like she is helping.

When the baby is a bit older you will be able to put it in its room for naps etc and have a monitor so you would hear if she was sneaking in

Hopefully when she has spent a bit of time with the new baby she will see its not all fun and the novelty will wear off a bit when she realises it's not a doll. If not you are within your rights to punish her (nothing drastic but keeping her away from the baby for example) if she is doing anything dangerous

I’m sure she will be happy to do any jobs you assign her as it will make her feel involved. I once sat and folded new baby’s clothing for an hour for my cousin when I was a similar age
But when she’s at your house you have to involve her, even though it’s hard work. It would live like me shipping off my first child to spend time with my second. You just have to make them work around each other.

It's too much to ask you to take care of her and your newborn by yourself, straight away at least. Don't feel bad for making that clear to your DH.

It's absolutely exhausting having a newborn, doubly so with siblings, triply (is that a word?) so when the second child isn't your own child and you've never actually been through any of this before, therefore have no idea what to expect and you're learning as you're going. Ask DH to make sure you're not left with them both as far as it's practical, he needs to be around to make sure none of that stuff happens... If she's prone to putting things in babies' mouths that really is cause for concern, and he'll need to be vigilant.

@AmIRightOrAMeringue he's taking two weeks, but can't afford to take any more than this as he doesn't get paid for it. Definitely going to have dedicated SD jobs!

Maybe you can sit down with her beforehand and agree some rules. Get her to come up with ideas and write them down so she is more likely to buy into them. For example say to her 'I know you want to cuddle the baby, but it's not safe for children to cuddle babies by themselves or for a long time, what do you think we should do' and hopefully she will say cuddle her when you are there to watch or cuddle for 5 minutes or something, you write it down and talk about the big sister rules beforehand and hopefully as she will have helped with them, they will sink in

@NotUmbongoUnchained I'm not talking about shipping her off so I can have time alone though, I've just never done this before and as much as it is lovely having a SD who genuinely is a sweetheart most of the time, I don't think it's unreasonable to actually have time to myself to adjust to being a mother. At the end of the day she is not my child and I can't treat her as if she is. She doesn't listen to me like she listens to her parents and it is just an entirely different dynamic. I'm not her mum and as much as I love her and my DH, I'm going to need my own space as I have no idea what I'm doing.

@OkMaybeNot you just described perfectly what I was trying to say. Meant a lot reading that as you've made me feel far less guilty for worrying about this. Thank you.

I love my SD, but I don't know that I can handle her on my own with a newborn like I would be able to should I have done it before and had she been my own daughter.

What are your usual consequences for her when she doesn't listen/deliberately does something she knows she's not supposed to?

I think her behaviour sounds relatively normal for a 7 year old. Talk with your HV about your concerns. I know mine was definitely concerned about my older dd (5) doing all those things and she offered advice for on how to handle it. Basically it was just a lot of saying no very firmly and expecting her to give us space and privacy at first. I would not have them alone together until you feel more confident though. You aren’t the babysitter just because you’re on mat leave and I think it’s your partner and her other parents job to make sure she is looked after in the early days when your focus will be elsewhere.

Obviously her feelings are important but so are yours, you will be a first time mum.
Brilliant to welcome her when dad is around, but absolutely fine to say we'll stick to set day and not if dh is not here.
Obviously as you get the hang of things you'll naturally relax.

And that's where your DH comes in, he needs to manage her expectations a little and make sure you have space, while making sure she feels included and helpful. It's not going to be easy but you're going to have your head filled with cracked nipples, a sore vagina and bright yellow poonamis wow crap nostalgia.