to be concerned with SD's obsession with babies?

[Yannia]

My first is due in November. Me and DH so excited, and so is SD, 7. Problem is, she's obsessed with babies, and this makes me extremely nervous. This paired with her inability to listen has made me dread her being around when DC is born.

Last week, I went to visit a friend who has a 2 month old. SD came with me. I thought it would be nice for her to spend some time with a tiny baby before her brother/sister is born. She was absolutely awful. She wouldn't put the baby down, my friend had to tell her off, when she was put down for a nap in the next room, SD said she was going to the toilet, however she was actually going to see baby. She woke the baby up and when my friend went in baby had milk on her face. SD had taken one of her milk bottles and tried to feed her even though she was told not to. She lied about going to the toilet. When I held baby, she whined and said that the baby wanted her, not me and went off in a strop when I told her not to be rude and that babies are not toys. She tried to put her toy dummy from her doll in the baby's mouth and in the end, we had to leave.

I was completely embarrassed, my friend was stressed and had asked me not to bring her round again until baby is older (completely understandable), and even though this is something we have talked to her about numerous times, she just will not listen.

I love that she loves babies, and know that when the novelty has worn off she will likely be a wonderful big sister, however I am so nervous about those early weeks and don't want to have to worry about leaving baby on their own in their Moses basket briefly whilst I pee/brush my teeth/shower etc.

How do me and DH tackle this? We have talked to her sternly about it but it just seems to be a recurring thing every time she is around a baby. It's worrying me and I'm close to saying that I refuse to have her on my own when baby is first born because I can't cope with both of them.

I understand I may sound like I'm being completely over the top, I just worry about my baby, am extremely anxious already and could really use some advice on how to tackle this.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks. Y

Nobody has said they are not important, but they are not MORE important than anything else.

To the OP they are and I can’t blame her. Her stepdaughter’s school runs will not be at the top of the list of her priorities trust me. It is for her PARENTS to sort.

Just to give a bit of perspective, I’m due to give birth to my 4th child and have 3 school aged children already. I do not expect to have my responsibilities towards them lessened when they go back to school and will carry on taking them to school like I have to because I am their MUM. I have parental responsibilities and if I do not fulfill them that is on me. If they were my stepchildren I would not be taking them to school because it’s going to be hard work and I just would not put myself in that position for children that aren’t mine.

OP has a parental role. Nobody forced her, she took it on, her choice. That is the point you are missing, its now too late to simply say "not my kid, not my problem, only my baby matters".
That ship sailed with the choices she made.

Why is a change in routine for 6 weeks being dressed up as "discarding" a child?

A sort of parental role. The expectations shouldn’t be the same as the expectations of the actual parents. The parents should do 99% of the hard work.

Or even 100% for that matter. The stepparent is an extra.

This thread is insane. No wonder OP hasn't come back! Some people seriously need their heads bashing together. Do you really think that a woman who has taken on this much responsibility for a child who is not hers and has committed to doing school runs and a huge chunk of child care has simply just decided that he doesn't give a shit? I think not! She's having her first baby for fuck sake has everyone forgotten what that's like. Not a step child, but her own flesh and blood that she would do anything for. You all need to get a damn grip of yourselves and fall back to reality because a few of you seem to live in this warped universe where step mothers should play super hero. Honestly, this thread is completely nuts. OP if you're still there, don't stress. This should fall on to your husband and his ex. You are not unreasonable to want a few weeks to spend time with your baby and to not want to do long school runs. What you are asking is entirely reasonable.

@hammeringinmyhead because some folks on this post seem to have entirely lost the plot by the looks of things.

*HotblackDesiato
*
OP is a first time mother, but she has made the choice to be one in a family that already contains a child, so in a very real sense, she is not a first time mother. Or at least can't act like one.

Ehhh yes she is and yes she can. No one has the right to negate a new mothers ENTITLEMENT to those first precious weeks. She is a Step Mother NOT a mother. They are very very different . The child in question has a mother !*
*
I'm amazed my notions are so controversial and that so many of you see a step child as disposable and replaceable. Which is precisely how this child will feel. She doesn't understand about birth and motherhood, all she knows is that her stepmother cared for her and spent time with her and loved her until she had her own baby and then didn't want her around anymore. And none of you care about that in the slightest.
Very sad to see.

That is a ridiculously emotive thing to say. No one (especially not the OP) has suggest that the SD is either 'disposed of' or 'replaced'. The child has two parents who need to step up and parent their child. Her mother has a strong part to play and her fathers part has already been discussed ad infinitum . The issue is simply not one for the step mother to solve. It's for her parents.

@HotblackDesiatoto did you honestly just say that in a sense OP is not a first time mother? Jesus Christ, that's absolutely shocking. Poor woman. As I said no wonder she seems to have left the thread.

Oh my god of course she’s a first time mother. This child absolutely is her first born 100%.

did you honestly just say that in a sense OP is not a first time mother? Jesus Christ, that's absolutely shocking

Yes, of course. I find it shocking that you disagree. But I guess that shows how little people value step parents or step children.

Give me strength...

I'm sure her actual biological mother would be delighted to hear that her daughter is in fact another random woman's firstborn.

hammering I... Just... No words...

I'm sure her actual biological mother would be delighted to hear that her daughter is in fact another random woman's firstborn.

I find it shocking that you disagree. But I guess that shows how little people value step parents or step children.

I find it shocking that you think a stepchild is a stepparent’s first born, unless they have adopted them of course then that’s different. The op’s stepchild is not her first born, the baby is.

YANBU she clearly can't be trusted. I would absolutely be saying that SD can not be there when you're alone with the baby. It would give me extra stress about having to keep an eye on what SD is doing as well as being a FTM (congratulations, btw). That's extra stress that you don't need. Take the time to enjoy it, without SD.

CamberwellNicholls. It appears some posters (well let's be honest, one in particular) appear to have lost a grip on reality.

It feels like being in the middle of the 'I want to be called Loretta ' Monty Python sketch from the Life of Brian when Eric Idle wants the 'right to be able to have babies'.. even though 'it's a sign of his struggle against reality' A step mother is not a mother. She is not a replacement mother or a pseudo mother or a quasi mother. The child HAS a mother. The OP is NOT a mother, she has neither given birth yet nor adopted a child. When she does give birth she WILL be a mother for the first time - making her , a first time mother. To suggest anything else is a serious sign of having lost a grip on reality.

I am a step mother.
I am a mother.
Some of my step children live with me.
I love my children absolutely and unconditionally. Above all and every one else including my husband, my parents and my brothers.
I love my resident step children as I have got to know them better through living with us for the last three years but not in the same way as I love my own.
I am deeply fond of my non resident step children. If/when they come to live I expect my feelings will increase. Depends if they are easy or not. That's the difference. Behaviour from your own does not affect love. With SC it absolutely does. To pretend otherwise is just stupid.

I do not tell them this. (Except my own who I have a different relationship with).

Everybody appears very happy .

@fontofnoknowledge I'm a step mother also to a 6 year old girl. I'm also pregnant with my first so can completely relate to OP! I adore DPs DD (we don't use the term SM, she says I'm like an extra special aunt!). Whilst I don't have the same worries, DP has told me I'm not doing any housework or childcare duties in the early days and that he wants to make sure me and baby are both settled. I can imagine he isn't comfortable with the idea of me driving his DD anywhere on almost zero sleep. It's about supporting each other through, and I don't think OP is asking for much here.

To suggest that she is any shape or form NOT a first time mother is completely insane. Utterly bonkers. I actually laughed when I read it it's that ridiculous a thing to say!

CamberwellNichols you have far far too much common sense . Stand by with full body armour for being so ridiculously sensible and having an equally pragmatic DP. It will never do on MN where ALL step children will definitely grow up to have deep psychological damage if their step mothers do not treat them exactly as their mothers do , whilst of course never interfering, commenting on behaviour or in fact attempting to act like 'mother' in any way.

@fontofnoknowledge body armour at the ready! Think this thread has died a death now however.

OP all the best. Enjoy this magical time with your first! I am sure things will fall in to place and it's likely that DP will realise how much help you need anyway once baby has arrived!

I have a feeling you'll be just fine and so will your DSD. I cannot stress how important it is that you are consistent in your approach to her. Of course don't forget to show her that you love her too, but you don't need to make everything about ensuring she is okay. That mainly falls on her Dad!

What wellwouldyoulookatthat said.

I've read through the thread and think overall the OP and SD and others will be fine. SD probably has additional issues, which should be looked at with school. DH doesn't sound very involved, and OP I think you will find your patience with him will wane with the birth of your own child if he carries on with disinterest and high expectations of what you can take on. But I'm sure you'll get there, as many women do eventually.

BUT the massive school run is completely unsustainable for your family now, with another child. It's not a good idea for a baby to be in the car for that long. As the baby gets older (5-6 months up to 18 months I would say) it's highly likely they will HATE being in the car and cry the entire time. And older than 18 months it just seems odd and unfair to subject a small child to such long car journeys on a regular basis. Your options are: a) move closer to SD [which might seem extreme but actually I think would be best for everyone, in part because it might allow more flexibility in contact arrangements in the future], b) change contact arrangements so regular school pickups are not required or c) DH changes logistics so he does most of the pickups.

Good luck, and congratulations on your baby!

@Yannia Have you actually spoken to your husband about this? Who does he think is going to do the school run?

Can't believe all the responses on this thread. OP you were very brave or naiive posting in AIBU as a stepmum, you poor thing.

In my view all that needs solving here is either dad does the school runs for his own child, or HE pays and sources someone to do the school runs or school wrap around care.

It sounds to me like he's fought all the way for 50/50 access but then doesn't actually do the slog of parenting and school runs at all, instead getting the op to do them rather than doing them himself or paying for childcare/school transport, he's also using OP for free childcare while he's working away or working late. What did he do before you got together OP in regards to being a working parent? I'm curious to know. Or if he'd not met you what would he be doing for childcare??

It is NOT feasible for you to be doing the school runs now for quite some time. So HE needs to sort that out.

Your stepdaughter's obsession, behaviour, lying to get to your friend's infant IS on the more extreme side. I think everyone's advice to take baby with you is wise rather than leave baby behind when leaving a room. Stretchy slings are lovely, and easy too.

I've been a step child, I've been a step mum, my son now has a step mum. So I'm aware not all mums are evil incarnate and can see it from all perspectives. As step mum you should not be expected to be doing more than the actual parent in the house, your DP should be doing the school runs and hands on parenting of his child. I never took on the role of subsititute mum when I was a step parent. They had a mum already, and they had a dad who was perfectly capable of parenting in her absence. My step sons and I are still on good terms now and are not at all scarred from me being a mum to my own child and not to them, they were quite happy and secure having already have had 2 parents.

Time to start putting your needs first, and making him step up and be around more for his DD.

Oh and also, as an additional thought, your situation worries me slightly. You've moved away from your own support to live with him, live in a rural place far out from anywhere, seem to be very biddable to meeting HIS needs, etc. Are you working? If you are I'm wondering how if you are doing a lot of these school runs.

I really hope you have lots of real life support and a good network of friends and family around you, and some financial independence, as tbh your DP sounds like he has the potential to be a bit of a knob!