to be concerned with SD's obsession with babies?

[Yannia]

My first is due in November. Me and DH so excited, and so is SD, 7. Problem is, she's obsessed with babies, and this makes me extremely nervous. This paired with her inability to listen has made me dread her being around when DC is born.

Last week, I went to visit a friend who has a 2 month old. SD came with me. I thought it would be nice for her to spend some time with a tiny baby before her brother/sister is born. She was absolutely awful. She wouldn't put the baby down, my friend had to tell her off, when she was put down for a nap in the next room, SD said she was going to the toilet, however she was actually going to see baby. She woke the baby up and when my friend went in baby had milk on her face. SD had taken one of her milk bottles and tried to feed her even though she was told not to. She lied about going to the toilet. When I held baby, she whined and said that the baby wanted her, not me and went off in a strop when I told her not to be rude and that babies are not toys. She tried to put her toy dummy from her doll in the baby's mouth and in the end, we had to leave.

I was completely embarrassed, my friend was stressed and had asked me not to bring her round again until baby is older (completely understandable), and even though this is something we have talked to her about numerous times, she just will not listen.

I love that she loves babies, and know that when the novelty has worn off she will likely be a wonderful big sister, however I am so nervous about those early weeks and don't want to have to worry about leaving baby on their own in their Moses basket briefly whilst I pee/brush my teeth/shower etc.

How do me and DH tackle this? We have talked to her sternly about it but it just seems to be a recurring thing every time she is around a baby. It's worrying me and I'm close to saying that I refuse to have her on my own when baby is first born because I can't cope with both of them.

I understand I may sound like I'm being completely over the top, I just worry about my baby, am extremely anxious already and could really use some advice on how to tackle this.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks. Y

So you have decided that you will be treating her differently after you have your baby, and she will see her father far less as a result?
Poor child, she is going to feel so replaced and rejected.

On the days that DH has her, he needs to actually HAVE her.
At least until a time that you are comfortable to have them both for short periods.

It's lovely that you and SD seem to get on so well, but she is not living with you full time and she has both a mum and a dad.

Not sure how you will work it out, but I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Also, a cheap 2nd baby bouncer in the bathroom/for upstairs is a great idea.
I had a Velcro baby (now 4) who O couldn't put down anywhere that I wasn't, and yo be honest I had most pees with baby on me for a while too (and into toddlerhood)

this may sound a bit extreme - we use to have a "hook lock" outside bedroom doors upstairs for safety with our children to keep them out during day - high up out of reach. (never to lock them in - you understand) beauty about them is in emergency an adult can break them open - you just land up with small holes in doors! - we also used them inside toilet bathroom door for our (well my dh - as stated mums don't have privacy in loos or bathrooms for years think "five minutes peace" with Mrs Big the elephant children's stories) privacy. nb if the dc did break it open you would hear it (bell on door like old shops too :) )

I think expecting me to have them both on my own one to two weeks after baby is born, considering she isn't my daughter, is really quite a big ask.

So do I. I was in hospital for 3 days after birth, then it was a good 3 weeks before I could get up and down stairs comfortably, and 8 weeks until I was well/healed/strong enough to take baby out in the sling on my own (and I’m early 30s and pre-pregnancy was running half marathons and working a physically demanding job so pretty fit). So it’s ridiculous to assume anything about what you’ll be able to manage in the early weeks.

It is absolutely ok to ask for help as a new mum, and to me it sounds like the help you want is not to have sole responsibility for both children until you feel ready. I’d start by saying that to your DH and working out a solution together.

Sorry I don't want to sound harsh but you chose to have a baby with a man who was already a parent. I don't think you get to opt out of that now because you want the full first time mum experience.

You send an eight-year-old child to sit on the stairs to 'think about what she's done' for TWENTY MINUTES?

Jeebus Christ, no wonder the poor wee toot is confused about her place in the hierarchy.

Could your sd go to after school club and your dh get her on his way home.
Or you time it so you get her from asc and get home at the same time as dh

Give her her very own baby? A realistic pooping doll with bottles etc and a toy pram? It could be a present from your baby?
So you look after your baby, and she looks after a baby too, just not your one.
Give her some draws with nappies in, a changing station style, the whole shebang (cheaply), an eBay baby rocker, little cot etc etc.
It's really important for children to come to terms with this through play, and this might help divert attention from the actual baby.

I agree with all other safety measures mentioned like second rocker in bathroom etc, and it's only when she visits.

Well despite all the difficulties of who lives where and court orders etc etc that can't be changed l still say that your dh and her mum need to sort this out between them. You need to be firm and say that you cannot look after their dd alone with your new baby at least for the first few weeks. If one of them has to have some time off work or do some more long drives back and forwards with dsd then so be it.

tbh I find your friend's behaviour odd rather than your SDs. Most mothers of new babies would have them in the same room rather than alone with no monitor which I presume was the case or you would have seen SD enter the room before she could wake the baby and try to feed her
Don't blow this out of all proportion. You have a child who is excited about her sibling. You need to involve her and supervise her. Yy you'll be on a learning curve but all mothers are. Your curve just includes involving an older sibling. You'll all be fine as long as you keep everything in perspective. There's an undercurrent in your posts that suggests you resent the fact you'll be sharing your time as a new mother with your SD. You need to overcome those feelings. Your SD is part of your family.

@HotblackDesiatoto how will she see her father far less?

One of my friends kids is like your SD. Her parents are totally on it when she's around little babies and really strict. I've never seen it before or I wouldn't believe an otherwise intelligent child could be so resistant to learning how to behave around a fragile new baby.
You are going to have to be really strict and so is your dh.

@KERALA1 I don't want the full first time mum experience. It's not possible. I just want some extra support and not to have sole responsibility for extended periods of time with my new baby and SD in the first few weeks.

OP you are being sensible in trying to plan how you will manage the situation when your new baby arrives, and you have every right to want time to get to grips with things.

I'm very concerned that people are labelling her behaviour as naughty, although I would agree that she sounds as if she has difficulties with impulse control.

Do you think she understands what you tell her in other situations?

You seem quite wedded to your idea of what the 'full first time mum experience' is. You may need to be more flexible. Not only in regards to your SD but also in regards to being a mum. Having fixed ideas can make it more difficult to navigate the inevitable challenges and changes that happen. My concern is that you're gearing up to blame your SD if the reality of your experience doesn't match the ideal in your head.

@ThistleAmore yes we do. This has been a handful of times. Once when she smashed a glass against the wall because she wasn't allowed a fizzy drink, once because she climbed in the cupboard and got some matches out and was playing with them in her room. These are pretty serious things to have done and actually I don't think 20 mins sitting on the stairs is a bad thing for something that could have caused serious harm or burnt the house down! For lesser things of course we don't sit her on the stairs for 20 minutes but it's not going to hurt her in the long run if it is occasional and when she's been really very naughty.

how will she see her father far less?

Did you forget your previous post?

one of my huge concerns is that her mum lives 30
Miles away, and her school is 20 miles away. So far it has been impossible for DH to do school runs so I do them. I have no idea what we are going to do other than DH not seeing his DD very often

@WinnieFosterTether I have no ideas of what it will be like. All I want is time to get to grips with it without having to worry about looking after SD on my own who struggles with boundaries and having to do school runs. I genuinely don't think that this is a big ask, especially if only for the first few weeks.

@HotblackDesiatoto I said I was concerned about it. Do you think I should be doing 2x40 mile round trips with a new born two weeks after they've been born? If I stop doing it, DH will inevitably see his DD less. Or do you think I should just do it even though I will have a two week old and will be exhausted? Is it only my responsibility to ensure that she is picked up from school?

I think the problem with any thread involving stepparents/children is that the relationship is always different. My stepDD lives with us full time, and has done since she was 3. She's now 7. I don't love her any differently to my own DD (age 1), and she listens to me like she listens to her dad. In other families, the stepparent almost never spends time with the child. I guess that most stepfamilies are in between.

Luckily DH got nearly 4 weeks off, so there were two of us while we had a tiny one. Later in my maternity leave, I loved the afternoons of picking stepDD up from school and spending time with her. Babies really are quite portable and my relationship with stepDD got a lot closer.

I think YWNBU to not do the school run for the week or two after paternity leave (DH can do it during paternity leave) if there are other options, e.g. she stays with her mum during the week and visits you at the weekend instead. But YWBU to completely avoid spending time with her or to stop her seeing her dad.

I noticed the sentence Her dad will be the one having one on one time with SD so I can have time with newborn to get the hang of things!
I know that your DH isn't a first time dad, but I hope he's still able to have plenty of involvement and one on one time with this baby.

My stepDD wasn't as obsessed with babies as yours, but she did constantly want to cuddle, kiss and play with DD when she was newborn. DH and I spoke to her about how babies grow and being a big sister is a really special role, but different from a parent's role. After about a month she got a bit bored of looking after the baby anyway. She's still loving with DD and they absolutely adore each other, but she no longer begs to change nappies! I expect the novelty will wear off your stepDD too.

I honestly didn't realise that not wanting to do school runs, not wanting to have a new DC and SD on my own, and needing to be able to have some of that responsibility taken away from me for the first handful of weeks was so unreasonable. Genuinely, if it is then I hold my hands up and apologise.

young for her age annoys me as a description as it was udes frequently about my DD. She wasn't young for her age. But she did have impulse control and attention issues. I still think that had she been a boy she would have been diagnosed with ADHD She seems to be managing it better at 11.

I think it may help to think of her behaviour less as 'bad' and 'immature' and more as possibly displaying some additional.needs.

Dd is also obsessed with all and any babies and wanted to treat them as living dolls for quite a while. Interestingly she was not like this with her baby brother.

Some children who are insecure in their attachments also want to be around babies because they symbolise things they are unconsciously seeking: babies are recipients of unfettered, unconditional, devotional care and attention. That's my cod psychology but I'm 100% sure it's true.