to be concerned with SD's obsession with babies?

[Yannia]

My first is due in November. Me and DH so excited, and so is SD, 7. Problem is, she's obsessed with babies, and this makes me extremely nervous. This paired with her inability to listen has made me dread her being around when DC is born.

Last week, I went to visit a friend who has a 2 month old. SD came with me. I thought it would be nice for her to spend some time with a tiny baby before her brother/sister is born. She was absolutely awful. She wouldn't put the baby down, my friend had to tell her off, when she was put down for a nap in the next room, SD said she was going to the toilet, however she was actually going to see baby. She woke the baby up and when my friend went in baby had milk on her face. SD had taken one of her milk bottles and tried to feed her even though she was told not to. She lied about going to the toilet. When I held baby, she whined and said that the baby wanted her, not me and went off in a strop when I told her not to be rude and that babies are not toys. She tried to put her toy dummy from her doll in the baby's mouth and in the end, we had to leave.

I was completely embarrassed, my friend was stressed and had asked me not to bring her round again until baby is older (completely understandable), and even though this is something we have talked to her about numerous times, she just will not listen.

I love that she loves babies, and know that when the novelty has worn off she will likely be a wonderful big sister, however I am so nervous about those early weeks and don't want to have to worry about leaving baby on their own in their Moses basket briefly whilst I pee/brush my teeth/shower etc.

How do me and DH tackle this? We have talked to her sternly about it but it just seems to be a recurring thing every time she is around a baby. It's worrying me and I'm close to saying that I refuse to have her on my own when baby is first born because I can't cope with both of them.

I understand I may sound like I'm being completely over the top, I just worry about my baby, am extremely anxious already and could really use some advice on how to tackle this.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks. Y

I think you need to consider your step-daughter's needs more, and her biological parents need to consider yours more. It looks like they're forgetting that actually getting the hang of caring for a baby is daunting, first time round; and it also (sorry, can't phrase this more gently ) looks like you aren't currently capable of putting your own needs to the side and attending to your children's first - which is probably true of all of us before we have children, and I'm not at all sure how that works for step parents.

I think it has to fall to your DH to pick up more of the slack over the first 4-6 weeks or so. Nice if SD's mother can also flex a bit for you, but not really her responsibility - he's the one having a new baby, not her.

My DC1 was nearly 6 when DC2 arrived. He has some issues with impulse control but not outside of normal for his age, and isn't a big fan of babies generally, but he was like a bloody moth to a flame about waking her for the first couple of months. It was so frustrating - I wanted to put her down to sleep so I could be with him with both my hands and all my attention, and he knew it, and he needed that time with me, but he also somehow couldn't resist lurking too close, knocking gently into the crib, stroking her little hands... gah. He also wanted to pick her up all the time and I did just have to keep her with me including going to the toilet etc - but this is my DC2 so I don't really think about it, I'm used to it, and it doesn't even occur to me to think about what having this baby would be like without the sometimes unhelpful presence of DC1.

I really can't see that a 20-min timeout is a good move btw. Not because playing with matches is ok, but because 20 mins reflecting on that is just not going to happen. That's 20 mins random daydreaming at best, nurturing feelings of resentment and rejection at worst.

She sounds an absolute nightmare. DS1 was 3 when DS2 arrives but he wouldn't ever do this. Think it sounds like a discipline/behaviour problem in general x

This thread!

Can I suggest you've actually had quite a lot of supportive posts here, which you're not acknowledging, just arguing with the people who are against you..

Oh god sorry I took forever to write that and lots of other posts have come up since I hope I haven't missed anything glaringly important.

Oh - the other thing I wanted to add - you said about envisaging DH having 1-1 time with SD while you're with the new baby? Some of the time, definitely, but if you are serious about your own relationship with SD I think you need to also swap around some of the time. Of course you won't feel or be the same with both children, but it seems a really powerful opportunity to affirm to your SD that she remains important to you even when you have your own baby too.

@Whateverletmepost I'm acknowledging everything I really am. Just genuinely baffled at some people's opinions. I'm guilty of responding more to the emotionally charged comments which I apologise for, however I really am reading and taking everything in to account!

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair oh of course! I want DH to have time on his own with our DC, this is actually something we have discussed but I think it is really important. My dad said his time alone with me was so special and I would love DH to have a similar experience.

I think people have interpreted this as me wanting to never see SD. For her to never be around. To push her out entirely. It isn't the case.

Who was supposed to be supervising SD when she was able to play with matches? There's an odd mix of rigidity and lack of supervision. Rigidity in what you think your experience should be without SD and lack of supervision of your friend's new baby, and SD. It's absolutely the case that DCs can play up with the arrival of a sibling. The solution to that is to supervise accordingly not to decrease interaction with SD.
I think you should mention your concerns to your MW because I think you need support to adjust your expectations about having a baby and a SD.

I really understand you - I went a little white just reading your OP, it does sound extremely concerning. How often does she stay with you two?

If it makes you feel better, I am a FTM with a dog. My dog is wonderful but I would never, ever leave him alone with DS. Therefore I have had to worry about that constantly and take the dog or the baby with me whenever I go into another room - it’s very easily done and becomes second nature.

Honestly the SD sounds high needs and like normal discipline measures may not be appropriate for her. Therefore extra supervision is entirely appropriate especially when the new baby is tiny and vulnerable. This is not about wanting to push her out. It is important to recognise that having your first baby not be THE first baby is a different situation but I don't think OP is blind to that at all.

@WinnieFosterTether I was supervising her and I was in the bathroom for less than 5 minutes. She climbed on the kitchen counter, went in to the back of one of the cupboards and pulled some matches out. I beat myself up for it for a while and DH didn't exactly make me feel good about it either. That is not the point of this thread, at all. I can't supervise her 100% of the time.

@crispysausagerolls she's with us every week for for either 3 or 4 nights. It alternates so it's 50%... thankfully we don't have any pets

Shes sound like my neice and nephew both ott re dd. They better now shes older but it was the excitement re babies. Totally normal. You need to do some work with a doll before x

@BertieBotts definitely. This is exactly what I'm trying to say. I'm under no illusion that I have a SD and that her needs are also important!

I think people have interpreted this as me wanting to never see SD. For her to never be around. To push her out entirely. It isn't the case

Not push her out entirely perhaps. But push her away, to take time off. But you don't get to take time off from parenting older kids because you have a new baby, and that goes for step families as well.

Honestly, I'm worried about what's going to happen to SD when baby arrives.

She's a part of the family too. She deserves to be treated as such.
I think you're coming across a bit PFB.

Whilst it is your first, it's not the first.
Step-Children don't just disappear because a new baby comes along, the current routine alters slightly - to fit in with the current child and the new baby.

No child on this earth listens 100% of the time though & it's all about teaching her not stopping op from watching her & it's about supervision with them in my opinion, with the school run though i completely agree with op 40 miles alone driving in the car with them both would be too much for her to supervise & drive

@HarshingMyMellow and that's all I want? For the routine to change so I am not alone with her in the first 6 weeks. I am concerned that that is not doable and was asking for advice. DH only has two weeks off and could be working away as early as the third week. I'm concerned that I will be picking up his DD whilst he gets back late from work, and will have no support whatsoever. I just wanted advice on her behaviour and on how to cope with the fact that I don't feel like I will cope with having SD on my own with a new baby for the first few weeks. Nothing bad is going to happen to her and she needs to learn that she can't be around the baby 100% of the time. I may want to breast feed on my own a few times in the early days, I may want to take baby away for a few minutes if they are crying, I may need a SHORT time alone to do a number of things but can't do that if SD has difficult behaviour, I have her on my own with DH at work, and am struggling.

She sounds like a very young 7 who is over excited & hasn't been around many babies. A more mature 7year old whose been around babies would take in the info you've given & not go off doing possibly dangerous stuff. I'd be giving her lots of calm, highly supervised access to real babies, so a baby isnt a hugely new thing to get hyper about . From teaching that age group, 75% of them would be fine round a baby. The rest were very immature & would need their over excitement reining in & very close supervision.

Yannia

My point about the dog wasn’t that you have one, it’s just that with a first baby it’s entirely possible to be on “red alert” re supervision because of another factor, and still be relaxed and fully enjoy the time with the Baby (which you seem concerned with).

FWIW I don’t think you come across at all as though you want to push DSD out at all; you just sound like an excited and worried new mother who doesn’t want anyone to harm their baby and has good cause to think that DSD may unintentionally and enthusiastically do something which might. It’s tricky.

you just sound like an excited and worried new mother who doesn’t want anyone to harm their baby and has good cause to think that DSD may unintentionally and enthusiastically do something which might. It’s tricky.

Exactly this

@Yannia can you not realise how awful that sounds? Especially from a 7yo perspective?
New baby comes, SM no longer wants to spend alone time with SD for 6 weeks. A lifetime for a small child. This also means that SD is highly likely to see her dad less and when she does see him, she has to share with a baby.

You chose to get involved with a man who has a child, you then chose to have another child with this man. SD gets no choice in the matter.

Did your partner move 30 miles away from his daughter or did her mum move her?
Either way, he does need to make arrangements to pick up his own child.

Her being obsessed (odd choice of word) with babies seems to be a slight red herring here. It comes across as you using that to ship her off out of the way for 6 weeks while you spend time with your baby.
Unfortunately, kids don't just disappear when it's convenient for you.

I feel sorry for SD.

You mentioned before that she has attention issues and is impulsive and seems young for their age? Is that right? Who noticed this? Have school mentioned anything?

I vaguely remember your previous thread about doing the school run. If I remember correctly, your DH never does it, only you, which means you are driving 120 miles just to take his daughter to school. I'm not sure if you do pick-ups and if that's included in the 40 miles you mentioned earlier. If not, then some weeks you could be driving almost 250 miles taking and collecting your SD to/from school. It's clear you do a lot for her, and care for her, but like many new mums you are anxious about how you will cope. There are threads on here all the time from pregnant women worrying about what life will be like with a baby, which is exactly what this is about. Part of the reason you are so anxious is because you have witnessed your SD displaying worrying behaviour around a small baby. Add in the fact that you think she is possibly emotionally immature, does not listen to you as she would a parent, and the fact that she has a history of doing unpredictable and potentially dangerous things while your back is turned for a few minutes - well it's no wonder you're concerned! YWNBU on the last thread, and YANBU now