to be concerned with SD's obsession with babies?

[Yannia]

My first is due in November. Me and DH so excited, and so is SD, 7. Problem is, she's obsessed with babies, and this makes me extremely nervous. This paired with her inability to listen has made me dread her being around when DC is born.

Last week, I went to visit a friend who has a 2 month old. SD came with me. I thought it would be nice for her to spend some time with a tiny baby before her brother/sister is born. She was absolutely awful. She wouldn't put the baby down, my friend had to tell her off, when she was put down for a nap in the next room, SD said she was going to the toilet, however she was actually going to see baby. She woke the baby up and when my friend went in baby had milk on her face. SD had taken one of her milk bottles and tried to feed her even though she was told not to. She lied about going to the toilet. When I held baby, she whined and said that the baby wanted her, not me and went off in a strop when I told her not to be rude and that babies are not toys. She tried to put her toy dummy from her doll in the baby's mouth and in the end, we had to leave.

I was completely embarrassed, my friend was stressed and had asked me not to bring her round again until baby is older (completely understandable), and even though this is something we have talked to her about numerous times, she just will not listen.

I love that she loves babies, and know that when the novelty has worn off she will likely be a wonderful big sister, however I am so nervous about those early weeks and don't want to have to worry about leaving baby on their own in their Moses basket briefly whilst I pee/brush my teeth/shower etc.

How do me and DH tackle this? We have talked to her sternly about it but it just seems to be a recurring thing every time she is around a baby. It's worrying me and I'm close to saying that I refuse to have her on my own when baby is first born because I can't cope with both of them.

I understand I may sound like I'm being completely over the top, I just worry about my baby, am extremely anxious already and could really use some advice on how to tackle this.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks. Y

You have some time before the baby arrives to try out different consequences for bad behaviour. Hopefully you can hit on an effective strategy/consequence in that time, so that she is more likely behave around the baby. I think it is important to start this process now, so that she doesn't associate any change of regime with the baby.

I think it is tricky for you, as she is a step. I don't read any wish on your part to push her out, just an understandable concern about the safety of the baby. It is very normal to feel ultra-focussed on the safety of your newborn, especially as a first time mum. Add in the problems with conceiving, your SD's impulse control issues, and I totally understand where you are coming from. Can you start talking now to DH about finding a way through?

What I think doesn't matter, its not my life, I'm just putting forward an alternative view. You made your choices, and now you want to change everything. Why would you say to me "why would she see her father far less" when you know you are going to stop doing the school runs and she WILL see her father far less? Why lie ?

You are having the second child in the family, not the first. You simply don't get to put the first child aside for a while when you focus on your baby, at least not without serious consequences.

All I hear is your feelings, your pov, your needs. At no point do you mention the childs feelings or needs. Not once.

I do think people are expecting too much of you here. You have a step child with what sounds like boundry issues, that are genuinely causing you to worry for your baby's welfare - its natural you should want help, and you and your baby come first imo. The 7 year old has to see repercussions for her behaviour, or perhaps that's why she's continuing to act out, because she doesn't get them? I sympathise, and would feel the same - there are two other parents who could help out given the situation and should do.

@MirriVan I don't want her out of the way. She lives with us a large part of the time of course that's not the case. I just want a small amount of time to myself to breast feed and have a bit of privacy without her being difficult and if DH isn't there then I worry how I will cope. Not all the time, but my concern is that she is very hard work at times, finds it difficult to listen and I worry what it will be like if I have them both on my own for long periods of time. I don't want to be doing 40 mile round trips numerous times a week in the early days and I am jut overly anxious about what it will be like looking after both of them, especially after her difficult behaviour last week.

I really don't want to push her out and of course want her to be involved. I'm sad it came across the opposite.

Well of course if she has a complicated delivery that's a total different matter but yes me personally I don't see why it would be so hard in watching a newborn and a 7 year old If she has a good labour a week or two after the baby is born, i have 3dd and a niece i have half a week & I coped just fine couple of my friends have similar situations, most second times mums too, if the sd is use to being cared for by op i think sd is just going to feel left out if no is talking a month or two i understand her concerns but they will have a bigger issue if sd gets envious of the new baby

It's hard for her to cope with a 7 year old and newborn because the 7 year old has already displayed dangerous behaviour around newborns and also that she doesn't listen.

@HotblackDesiatoto but what is your solution? If you think I should drive 80 miles a day 3-4 times a week when I have a newborn then tell me? And I'll genuinely think about whether that is reasonable or not. Personally I don't think it is.

If you are supposed to do theschool runs what happens if you need a c section? No driving for six weeks? Her parents have to think about you as well

You seem quite wedded to your idea of what the 'full first time mum experience' is
This struck me too, I'd have loved to give birth to my babies and BF them and for DS not to have difficulties that may stem from his early experiences but... You get what you get really, and unlike some people you're forewarned.

My solution is that you sit down with your partner and work out what you are both going to do that suits you AND her, and not just you.
I'm not telling you what to do. I'm telling you that its not acceptable to stop considering her needs because it is no longer convenient for you to do so.

I've clearly given completely the wrong impression on this thread haven't I.

If it's any consolation I posted a while back about a step parenting issue and was told by a huge number people that I was a mug and being used and that the school run should be done by the parents. I went against the grain and do 8x school runs/pick ups a week. I do so much for my SD. I don't resent it. I don't want praise for it. But it's not the case that I want her out of the way. Gosh, that's not the case at all.

I honestly didn't realise that not wanting to do school runs, not wanting to have a new DC and SD on my own, and needing to be able to have some of that responsibility taken away from me for the first handful of weeks was so unreasonable. Genuinely, if it is then I hold my hands up and apologise.

I don't think any of that is unreasonable tbh. I've got 3DC and just had to get on with it when DS and DD2 arrived. But I already knew what I was doing due to DD1! I can get 3 DC up and out a lot faster than I could get one newborn up and out. I've not slept well for 6 years and I'm used to it but those first couple of months were killer. No way would I have wanted to be worrying about school runs.

No solution, just sympathy.

I have no expectations of what it will be like being a first time mum!! I'm just referring to having a little bit of time to get used to the idea and to adjust. I DO NOT want SD out of the way and I DO NOT intend on treating her poorly. I just need some help because her behaviour is really difficult and I am concerned about how I will cope with them both after just two weeks of help from DH.

What I don't understand is why you are asking MN who don't know you or your setup or your previous decisions, instead of doing the far more obvious and helpful step of talking to your partner and working it out with him?

Like ohnothanks, I wonder if attachment issues could be behind this?

I know a little girl with a total obsession with babies and baby dolls. She has attachment issues due to a rough start in life (followed by adoption into an amazing family). I’ve always wondered whether the baby/doll thing is connected.

I’m sure there are some great articles on attachment theory and therapeutic parenting out there, that could help you decide if this might apply to your DSD.

The little girl I know is 8, btw, but I’ve known her since she was 4.

My DD was like this when we had her baby brother, she was 3. We just told her when she was being over baring and clingy with him and praised her for the really useful things she did to help.

She could also be showing an obsession with babies because of understandably jealousy over the new arrival.

I don't think YABU in the slightest. I think what would BU is either of her parents still expecting you to do the school run shortly after giving birth and / or expecting you to look after your newborn AND DSD on your own. The dynamics really aren't the same in a blended family. She's not your child and as such you can't be expected to treat her exactly the same.

People are being really harsh here! Even if you could/should/would do the school runs with a new baby, how can you leave them in the back unsupervised knowing she likes to put things in the baby's mouth?! It's a nightmare OP and I don't blame you for being concerned and wanting advice

I always made sure my older dc sat on floor when they hugged baby (under supervision!) working on the principle baby didn't have far to fall that way.& right from word go they helped at bath time with washing babies hair etc -

Yanbu! I don't understand why sd needs to be with you alone at all to be honest, she has two parents, you've just had a baby, why would you be stressing having them both at once when she has two parents at home/work/doing whatever who can give her/arrange something else for her, why would you be default childcare? And everyone saying but what if she was your own? She's not so mute point.

To be honest she sounds like hard work and none of that behaviour is normal. Really you should have left your friends earlier even. My DD was 7 when I had dd2 and I've seen loads of similar gaps and none of what you describe is normal at all. You can totally include her, she's a kid and needs to be part of the whole thing but only when her Dad is around imo, after a few months you cab reevaluate but my priority for me would be me and my baby (and the safety of my baby given what you have said here)

YANBU - some people on this board hold step mothers up to impossible standards, I wouldn't take it personally. I'm not a step parent but I wouldn't post about any issues I had if I was, as people just project so much.

Your DH needs to step up here and think about how he's going to support you and SD during a period of change- what would he do if you were sick or unable to drive for an extended period of time? He should be looking at using a chunk of annual leave for the weeks after his paternity leave finishes for the days SD is staying with you, and if needed submitting a flexible working request to allow him to pick up a bit more of the slack with school runs etc.

@HotblackDesiatoto my partner is away with work and I am going to talk it through. SD is with her mum for the next two weeks of the holiday. I have seen him once for an hour since she acted up last week and just wanted a bit of advice from MN before I sat down and discussed it properly. I don't think that's such a bad thing.

She sounds like she is well meaning but over enthusiastic and of course has a very immature understanding of the safety issues associated with babies, so I think while there do need to be boundaries and sternness may be required here, it's mainly about channelling her enthusiasm into something appropriate and safe, plus ground rules, rather than seeing her as some kind of huge danger to the baby (while recognising that you absolutely cannot trust her judgement, and mustn't leave them unattended together). It would be sensible to almost think of her as though she is a younger child and approach the behaviour as though she was younger, rather than setting her up to fail if she's unable to process things as a typical 7yo would. The sneaking around and lying is a problem, though - I totally appreciate it's not your place to suggest but the obsessive behaviour to the point of sneaking around plus the lower processing age makes me wonder if she's being assessed for anything at all? But perhaps this is irrelevant - you'll need to take her as you find her in any case, and any new sibling relationship needs close supervision. If she is having issues with "not listening" it's probably not that you (parents, plural) need to be sterner, but that you may need to reduce your expectations of her and up your control over her environment - children's impulse control varies massively and some of them really can't stop themselves from doing things they've been told not to do. Or using techniques like the one mentioned about getting DC to think about what they are doing before they do it, or more of a redirection approach. Sometimes DC can get really fixated on an idea - like trying to give the toy dummy to the baby for example - and they won't necessarily listen to instructions which run counter to their idea but if you give them a safe/appropriate outlet to do what it is that they want to do then they can be satisfied by that and stop pushing for the inappropriate version.

You're right that it's a completely different scenario as a FTM who is also a stepmum, because you don't have the luxury of this baby being a first baby, so to speak. It's good that you recognise this and that it's going to be an extra challenge because I think it's much harder when people expect their experience as a FTM to be more typical, as they end up resenting the DSC for getting in the way of this experience. So it's great that you're thinking now about how to include her and manage your anxiety around the situation which is bound to be natural. OTOH there are lovely positives for your new baby not being the first in the family, so it is important to include big sister and foster that relationship between them.

I think as others have said, you should be able to bring the baby with you when you do things like going to the toilet, even though it's annoying. You could get a video monitor for if you want to leave the baby for naps and place it somewhere very visible, so that SD knows she can't sneak in there unnoticed. It's worth noting that SIDS guidelines suggest that naps be in the same room as you for the first 6 months anyway, though of course not everybody follows this exactly. I also think it's fine to ask that another adult is around when SD is around in order to make supervision easier, at least until the baby is a bit bigger and more robust.

I think I would take the approach of talking lots and lots to SD about the safety guidelines of babies just as though you were teaching her about anything interesting. You could intersperse it with general baby facts too of course, general things about development, what they need, etc. Then when baby comes close supervision and having another adult around as much as necessary. Lots of reminding of the boundaries (Remember, babies can't have food until they are bigger. Remember, baby needs her own dummy which is safe for babies and she can't have it if it's got dirty, she'll need a new one, remember, babies can't have blankets or pillows, they are too little - etc etc). I found when DS was quite little and in a defiant phase that direct instructions were often a bit too much for him but "reminders" often worked much better.

And remember - babies survive having siblings, even overenthusiastic ones, they really do. And it's lovely that she's so interested and excited about the new baby. I'm sure you'll (all) find your way with the two of them. Good luck :)