to be concerned with SD's obsession with babies?

[Yannia]

My first is due in November. Me and DH so excited, and so is SD, 7. Problem is, she's obsessed with babies, and this makes me extremely nervous. This paired with her inability to listen has made me dread her being around when DC is born.

Last week, I went to visit a friend who has a 2 month old. SD came with me. I thought it would be nice for her to spend some time with a tiny baby before her brother/sister is born. She was absolutely awful. She wouldn't put the baby down, my friend had to tell her off, when she was put down for a nap in the next room, SD said she was going to the toilet, however she was actually going to see baby. She woke the baby up and when my friend went in baby had milk on her face. SD had taken one of her milk bottles and tried to feed her even though she was told not to. She lied about going to the toilet. When I held baby, she whined and said that the baby wanted her, not me and went off in a strop when I told her not to be rude and that babies are not toys. She tried to put her toy dummy from her doll in the baby's mouth and in the end, we had to leave.

I was completely embarrassed, my friend was stressed and had asked me not to bring her round again until baby is older (completely understandable), and even though this is something we have talked to her about numerous times, she just will not listen.

I love that she loves babies, and know that when the novelty has worn off she will likely be a wonderful big sister, however I am so nervous about those early weeks and don't want to have to worry about leaving baby on their own in their Moses basket briefly whilst I pee/brush my teeth/shower etc.

How do me and DH tackle this? We have talked to her sternly about it but it just seems to be a recurring thing every time she is around a baby. It's worrying me and I'm close to saying that I refuse to have her on my own when baby is first born because I can't cope with both of them.

I understand I may sound like I'm being completely over the top, I just worry about my baby, am extremely anxious already and could really use some advice on how to tackle this.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks. Y

@ShovingLeopard she often has quiet time, so she has to sit on the stairs for 20 minutes and think about what she's done. She then has to tell us what she did wrong and why she shouldn't have done whatever it was she did, before she's allowed to come down. It works well at the time but in the long run it doesn't sink in.

I would be annoyed that she woke a baby from a nap. That's not something to mess with.

@KimchiLaLa I could tell my friend was angry. But also concerned for me. She send me a lovely text stressing her concern but also her support and love etc.

My DD was like this at 8 years old. When the baby actually came and she realised just how much crying tiny babies do she lost interest after a month. The whole waking baby up on purpose though didn't stop until baby was about 4 months. Make sure that someone can watch baby so you can have one on one time with her. Also when she comes to meet baby 1st time try not to be holding baby so you and her can have cuddles or whatever. Also the "baby" brought a present for her. Dunno how much it helped 😊

@NotSoThinLizzy we've already written her a letter from the baby and bought a toy to give her.

I won't be getting someone to watch baby so I can have one on one time with SD however. Not for a while anyway. Her dad will be the one having one on one time with SD so I can have time with newborn to get the hang of things! Especially as baby is due close to Christmas holidays. SD will be around a lot of the time but it is safe to say that as a first time mum I will need some time to myself to learn what I'm doing.

I'm a bit like this with babies and I'm in my twenties. They're just so cute

@bonnyblithe haha! Apart from I should hope you don't put tiny toys in their mouths when their mums aren't looking

Ahh good plan 😊 when your knackered with a newborn it's good to have somebody to take baby. Mind don't try to do it all by yourself. I did with my 1st and fell at a few hurdles 😂.

@NotSoThinLizzy I'm absolutely terrified! This baby means so much to me. Numerous miscarriages later I'm just terrified of losing this one. I'm an anxious mess!

My first son has autism.he was violent from an early age ,by the time we knew we had a problem I was pregnant with my second son...I had to keep the baby with me at all times .within days of being born he had bit him on his eyebrow.i also had a 3 year old dd.husband had 2 weeks parental leave ,then got sent to Scotland for 3 weeks...it was hell,but I coped.i had him in a baby carrier a lot of time,I had the pram in whatever room I was in....I did lots of activities with my older 2 so the baby could sleep....you will cope ok op x 😁.shes not there all the time ,and you could get some new DVDs and crafts a present for her from the baby x

Sounds like she has a problem with impulse control, OP.

Obviously the explaining/getting her to think is teaching her in the long run, but I wonder if the sitting on the stairs is just not quite painful enough to stop her doing it again if the urge takes her? Obviously, her feelings need to be taken into account, but there also needs to be a consequence she wants to avoid. Not advocating anything draconian, just maybe a rethink about what is an effective consequence, e.g. would losing a privilege be more of an incentive to behave? What's her currency?

Her behaviour sounds a bit unusual for her age, so you might need to up the ante a bit (while also being sensitive to her feelings.... it's a balancing act!)

@ShovingLeopard I think you're right. I sound so naive but it's so hard to deal with when it isn't your child and you have never parented before. I have no idea where to start.

I'm sadly getting to a point where I dread having her around.

Oh honey. Pregnancy hormones are bitch too. But in all honesty I was the same and I felt I had something to prove to everyone (I was 16) so it was me and baby against the world. I was hit with post natal depression and it didn't get picked up untill baby was a year old after an attempted suicide. I believe it Wouldn't of happened if I had taken up offers of babysitting and advice. Mind to rest when baby is here

I completely see where you’re coming from OP, yes of course you love your SD she’s an extension of your DH who you love and as you say on the most part she’s a sweetheart but I can promiseeee you that those first few weeks/months are the most draining moments in your life, It knocks you for six the reality of a baby, your baby that depends on you every second of everyday, it’s overwhelming and you cannot be expected to have your SD and your newborn when you’re alone in those early days. You’ll want to be having naps through the day with baby and not much else. You won’t have the energy to watch over you SD too. Make sure you let DH know that you won’t be looking after them both on your own for a while. And yes, as a first time mum it’s a whole new life you’re walking into you need time just you and baby to bond and learn from one another. Look after yourself, this is a good time to be a little selfish for you and baby. Good luck!

It's worrying me and I'm close to saying that I refuse to have her on my own when baby is first born because I can't cope with both of them

You could easily have the same problem if your SD was your DD, and you wouldn't banish your own child, would you? So whatever you would try with a child of your own, do that.
If you make her feel rejected at a time when she will already be anxious about being replaced by a new baby, you may never be able to undo that.

@HotblackDesiatoto if it was your own child you would have done it all before. You would know what breast feeding entails, you would be used to a lack of sleep most likely, you would have a child who listens to you as their parent (not a SD who doesn't), you would be so much mor experienced and would be far less terrified. I think it is completely a completely different scenario, to be honest!

Thanks @Notsooriginalwerther

She does sound young for 7 and it will be hard given it’s your first. But you should be able to find lots of advice as it is completely typical of older siblings (although not I think for a 7yo) . I have a 2m old and a 3yo and I don’t leave the 2m old alone with the 3yo at all. Peeing they come in in the bouncer/ floor in front of open door/ cot wheeled to where I can see it from toilet , depending which bathroom. Showering bouncer in bathroom but really I do that when dh is home. Ds is constantly on top of baby, pulling head around for kisses, pulling limbs down as I’m carrying him, diving in for kisses that are more likely to cave his little skull in, waking him up. It’s very constant and obviously rather exhausting!

Although you say her mum and dad are very on board with her and are having words and so on bottom line is neither of them l notice are saying that you shouldn't have to have SD when your dh isn't around, you are under no obligation to have her on your own with baby, one of her parents needs to have her. Seems they are putting their own work /childcare rotas above you and new baby's needs. Otherwise you could so easily be relieved of this unnecessary worry by dh or. exw simply saying that they will look after their own child when the other is at work etc.

@Bahhhhhumbug one of my huge concerns is that her mum lives 30
Miles away, and her school is 20 miles away. So far it has been impossible for DH to do school runs so I do them. I have no idea what we are going to do other than DH not seeing his DD very often. It's so complicated and I'm so stressed about it. It's actually written in to a court order the days that he has her so these cannot change.

My niece was 6 when I had my first dd and she was the same as your describing with my dd (I use to have her for three days a week for my sister to go to work & 1 night a week she'd sleep over, I'd tell her i d be back in a min and I'm putting baby to bed she sneak up the stairs & such things but I think it was mainly excitement and such and soon once the novelty wore off she started listening a lot more, I choose not to exclude her & let her 'help' with certain things as I felt excluding her would cause jealousy issues as I have a very close relationship with my niece, I don't think asking dh to not leave you with them for the first week of two is being unreasonable but extending much more than that I personally feel you would be pushing her out and to me you choose to have a child with a man who has a child from a past relationship of course the babies safety comes first but that's something you find ways to deal with take sd with you to brush teeth same as I had to with my niece and my dd1 & dd2 frankly in my opinion your pushing her out before the baby even arrives

if it was your own child you would have done it all before. You would know what breast feeding entails, you would be used to a lack of sleep most likely, you would have a child who listens to you as their parent (not a SD who doesn't), you would be so much mor experienced and would be far less terrified. I think it is completely a completely different scenario, to be honest!

But thats all about you. It's not about her, thats my point. Yes, its harder for you in some ways, but that is what you signed up to when you chose to be this childs stepmother and to have a baby with someone who already has a child. It sounds as if you want justification to be able to put this child aside so you can focus solely on your own,and its simply too late to do that.
She's seven years old and her dad is having a new baby who will live with him all the time while she doesn't get to do that. Look at it from her point of view as well as your own.

@Makesmilingyourbesthobby I think expecting me to have them both on my own one to two weeks after baby is born, considering she isn't my daughter, is really quite a big ask.

I am @HotblackDesiatoto - I don't want to push her out, or push her to one side. I want support and to not be on my own with her in the first few weeks as I am concerned about her behaviour and how I will cope.

Twenty minutes time out age 7??!