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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that partner's wedding invite has been rescinded?

273 replies

Marginal · 12/08/2018 23:55

Save the date was sent 4 months ago for very close friend's wedding. I see her every few months because I live 120 miles away now. We discussed at the time that she was having kid free wedding but that partners were invited. Checked with mine and he'd love to go, make a weekend of it, great stuff.

However, wedding invites were given out at a dinner with friends recently and only my name was on the invite. I checked this with her in front of said friends and she said yes just for me, thought it might be easier with childcare???

I didn't make an issue in front of everyone but she seems to have arbitrarily invited some people's partners and not others. One friend's partner has been invited and we've all only met him once - she's been out for dinner and drinks with mine and stayed at our house, gone on days out with us, all sorts!

I'm going to broach it, just plucking up the courage to tackle it - OH is hurt and has asked me not to but I'm feeling more and more irritated, so I need clarification.

I don't want to miss her wedding as I consider her one of my closest friends, but I'm confused by this change of heart. Before I go hurtling in, AIBU?

OP posts:
Fiveletters · 12/08/2018 23:57

People will say it’s her wedding so her choice but I’d be annoyed, especially if she had previously said different. I’d mention it, but not in a confrontational way.

BigPinkBall · 13/08/2018 00:01

On the one hand weddings are expensive and perhaps she didn’t quite realise the cost when she said your partner could come but then on the other hand I think if someone’s in a long term relationship then you do have to invite their partner so perhaps she should have chosen a cheaper/bigger venue when she realised she couldn’t invite everyone.

Either way this will be a stressful time for her so my advice is suck it up and either go or don’t go but don’t make it into a big thing.

Pebblesandfriends · 13/08/2018 00:02

I wouldn't go, and my DH wouldn't if roles were reversed.

dinosaurkisses · 13/08/2018 00:02

YANBU, I’d be quite hurt that she’d changed plans without giving me a heads up but also that she’d given me scrap excuse.

If it had been the case that costs were getting too high, or she was running out of space etc I’d appreciate her honesty, but to try and claim that she was trying to save me hassle by not inviting my partner, that wouldn’t fly.

PaulRuddislush · 13/08/2018 00:02

Exact same thing happened to me about 18 years ago. She'd been single for ages and me and dh treated her like part of the family. Her dh clearly thought we were not his type and we didn't socialise as couples but she continued to come round on her own and spend time with us. Wedding invitation was for me only where as others had partners invited that her oh clearly clicked with. I declined the invitation and we drifted apart rather rapidly after that.

Original poster
Marginal · 13/08/2018 00:08

For clarity, I can't imagine it's a cost issue because she isn't doing food or night do. It's church wedding, then private family meal (none of us are invited to that) then meeting for celebration drinks. I'm hoping it's a misunderstanding because I don't want to decline but equally I'd be upset if shoe was on the other foot.

OP posts:
BigPinkBall · 13/08/2018 00:09

Oh dear, I wouldn’t travel very far if she’s not even putting food on, sounds like she’s doing you a favour by giving you an excuse not to go!

Thehop · 13/08/2018 00:10

Thank you for your invite, we’ve got a sitter so can both come! Woohoo!

timeisnotaline · 13/08/2018 00:12

I wouldn’t go.

MissConductUS · 13/08/2018 00:19

A bit OT, but a wedding without feeding the guests is just really odd to me.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 13/08/2018 00:20

She might be a bridezilla, of course she might.

But she also might be someone trying hard to make the day work. Weddings are a big fiddle-faff (that's an actual word!). She CLEARLY wants you there and equally clearly does NOT want your kids to be. Both of those are her right.

I imagine she doesn't particularly care one way or another whether your OH is there, but wants to make sure you can be there. She MIGHT be worried about numbers (there probably IS a max amount allowed). She DEF doesn't want your DC there.

Is your OH the father of your children? I might be wrong, but i'm kind-of picking up from your post that he isn't? If so, is the bride friends with your ex? Does she want to invite him and might be trying to avoid awkwardness?

Ask her straight. She MIGHT be being U, but she also might just be juggling and might be being inadvertently thoughtless.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2018 00:26

It's church wedding

Anyone can come to the church.

*then private family meal (none of us are invited to that)

No issue there then
then meeting for celebration drinks

So everyone's buying their own drinks...no reason he can't come.

Under those circumstances...I'd tell her I've got childcare covered and as she mentioned partners would be invited, I've already told OH about it.

It's either that or I wouldn't go.

BakedBeans47 · 13/08/2018 00:28

God, it sounds like an utterly shit wedding anyway.

That aside I think she’s been very rude. I’d politely decline. Doesn’t sound like you’ll be missing much anyway.

SmellMyBeads · 13/08/2018 00:33

Sounds extremely selfish. 'Family meal only'. She should cut out the crap and have a family only wedding. That's ridiculous expecting people to attend the ceremony and then piss off to feed themselves.

Very strange she hasn't invited your OH. Surely childcare issues should be dealt with between the child's parents!

I know where I'd stick her invite.

HellonHeels · 13/08/2018 00:33

The family dinner will take at least 2 hours, whatever is everyone going to do while that's going on? Go out for a pizza? Sounds an odd set up.

Skittlesandbeer · 13/08/2018 00:37

I’d get in touch saying that you wouldn’t normally ask, but given the two of you made weekend plans and bookings based around him going to your wedding, you would check.

Be clear that she had originally said you were both invited- don’t let her get away with implying you imagined it. Then ask by what criteria partners were disinvited, given that xx friend’s new boyfriend was still on the list. Keep it light and breezy, in the spirit of ‘I just want to understand better, so I can explain it to DH and the venues we’ve booked’.

It’s fair enough that you ask, and you’re allowed to engage a bride in a few seconds of awkwardness. They are not fragile princesses, they are event managers. And presumably, a close friend. If she kicks off, she’s being unreasonable (again).

Original poster
Marginal · 13/08/2018 00:37

KeepServingTheDrinks - you may want to rethink reading between the lines too much! OH and I have been together for 14 years and we have two children together. We've known the bride for ten years. Fully understand a child-free wedding, no issue there. And childcare would be easily sorted Smile

About the food and drinks, to those who've mentioned it - it's a bit odd I know, but her betrothed doesn't want a huge fuss and they're keeping costs down, which is understandable. I think it's a compromise because I know she'd like a bigger affair.

Also sounds like many of you agree that it's a big off. Hmm

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 13/08/2018 00:39

Doesn't sound much fun really.

Seems a long way to go for a few drinks, add on the cost of a dress no overnight stay.

I wouldn't bother even if DH was invited.

Original poster
Marginal · 13/08/2018 00:39

*bit off

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2018 00:42

If you invite an adult to your wedding, it should ALWAYS include a +one for their partner.

cheesemongery · 13/08/2018 00:47

Maybe she honestly thought it would be easier re childcare. I'd just ask her and say we're both up for coming is that okay? If she dithers or says no, then you have your answer.

mediumbrownmug · 13/08/2018 00:52

Previous posters have suggested some ways you could approach her about it; but, to me, she’s made pretty clear her feelings about you, your DP, and your hospitality. I wouldn’t go, personally.

Flightbite · 13/08/2018 00:54

It's rude! Sorry long term partner not invited! I'd be declining my invite if I were you.

Floralnomad · 13/08/2018 00:59

I wouldn’t bother to say anything I’d just send a no thanks reply and if she asks why tell her .

Zommum · 13/08/2018 01:13

I would confirm and make sure oh isn't invited, make sure she knows you have child care. If he isn't invited regardless, and you have booked accommodation and have a child free weekend don't waste it, you go to the church then go and enjoy the weekend!!! Don't worry about going to the drinks after, when asked about it later be honest.