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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that partner's wedding invite has been rescinded?

273 replies

Marginal · 12/08/2018 23:55

Save the date was sent 4 months ago for very close friend's wedding. I see her every few months because I live 120 miles away now. We discussed at the time that she was having kid free wedding but that partners were invited. Checked with mine and he'd love to go, make a weekend of it, great stuff.

However, wedding invites were given out at a dinner with friends recently and only my name was on the invite. I checked this with her in front of said friends and she said yes just for me, thought it might be easier with childcare???

I didn't make an issue in front of everyone but she seems to have arbitrarily invited some people's partners and not others. One friend's partner has been invited and we've all only met him once - she's been out for dinner and drinks with mine and stayed at our house, gone on days out with us, all sorts!

I'm going to broach it, just plucking up the courage to tackle it - OH is hurt and has asked me not to but I'm feeling more and more irritated, so I need clarification.

I don't want to miss her wedding as I consider her one of my closest friends, but I'm confused by this change of heart. Before I go hurtling in, AIBU?

OP posts:
itsoknottobeokok · 13/08/2018 09:02

I'd still go, I'd be upset but I'd go if she means a lot to you. I'd also just sign the card from you and half the gift you are giving.

ChasedByBees · 13/08/2018 09:08

I think it’s really off to rescind an invite. I would tell her that you had made plans for the weekend together based on you both being invited. If he had never been invited you could have made that work but for me, it would be a both or neither situation now.

Clionba · 13/08/2018 09:10

As others have said, you've not really been invited to anything, have you? He could got to the church and go to the bar. It's a very odd situation, and a peculiar wedding.

SandAndSea · 13/08/2018 09:15

Every situation is different but, in my experience, it would be best to sort this out now, rather than leave it. I left it and then found it difficult to remain close, or even interested, in the couple long-term. That's just me though.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 13/08/2018 09:17

Good luck with the talk. If she doesn't immediately apologise and say of course he can come, I'd explain how hurt you are, given some other dp's are invited, and then i'd let the friendship slide.

If no dp's were invited, it would be a different matter.

CombineBananaFister · 13/08/2018 09:18

Does seem a bit hurtful to your OH. If she's already clarified that it's just for you, I don't see what else you can say?
If you want to know the reason why, then fair enough, just be prepared that it may cause awkwardness - it's not to be related to cost etc.
Personally, I wouldn't go as I do think it's very rude in these circumstances. Yes it's her wedding but I slightly disagree that you can do whatever the hell you want with no manners are regard for other people's (legitimate) feelings. I'm not saying she should have to pander to everyones whims and wishes but why do people think that as soon as you're planning a wedding then you can behave like a selfish arsehole to those who you normally care about and love.

deepsea · 13/08/2018 09:22

As pp said, I would call her and reconfirm arrangements and confirm dp will be with you for the day.

If she says he isn't invited then I would decline and say you are not comfortable having already invited him at her request and you have organised childcare as well, in the nicest possible way you have no choice but to decline and wish her a lovely day and card will follow in the post.

I think it is a huge snub to your dp to invite some partners and not others. It sounds very badly organised and planned tbh so maybe she has just made a mistake?

Aeroflotgirl · 13/08/2018 09:22

That is very rude. I personally would not go.

diddl · 13/08/2018 09:23

So you would be staying with your parents-so you could leave your kids with them?

It's one thing to want childfree, it's another to decide who childcare will be!

You would think that your OH isn't wanted there!

I wouldn't go-sounds like a whole faff!

WilburIsSomePig · 13/08/2018 09:25

Could you politely remind her of the conversation you had 4 months ago when you were told partners were invited and tell her you've already told your DH?

To be honest, I wouldn't go now even if she said he could come. I would hate to ask for an invitation to anything.

ENormaSnob · 13/08/2018 09:26

I wouldn't go.

Sounds a pile of shit anyway.

ArcheryAnnie · 13/08/2018 09:27

It's fine for her not to have invited your partner - though it is a bit odd.

It's not fine at all for her to have invited your partner and then rescinded the invitation. That's horribly rude.

BuntyII · 13/08/2018 09:33

Your friendship is going to suffer either way so you might as well talk to her about it. If you do she might be a bridezilla and kick off about how it's her special day 🙄 but if you don't you'll keep this resentment forever and not really want to speak to her again anyway.

Yet another friendship destroyed by an unreasonable bride. These big showy weddings everyone has to have these days have a lot to answer for.

SnuggyBuggy · 13/08/2018 09:34

The wedding reception is how you thank your guests for coming to witness your wedding. Inviting people to your wedding then expecting them to go of and sort out their own meals is very rude.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 13/08/2018 09:34

I don't think your partner was actually invited though. Did it have his name on the save the date at all!? You asked informally and she replied informally.If she had planned the guest list/ wedding details already she wouldn't have needed save the dates.

QueenoftheNights · 13/08/2018 09:37

for whatever reason, I think she doesn't like your DP and maybe there is some back history that you aren't aware of or even just her feelings towards him in spite of the times you have all spent together.
It's clear she doesn't want him there. Childcare is a red herring to let her off the hook. There is clearly a reason why she doesn't want him there.

I think I'd either ask her directly, or say you can't go as you don't want to do the journey and spend the day hanging about till drinks and then be on your own when other people are couples.

whoaskedyou · 13/08/2018 09:41

I would guess your friend sent out 'STD' cards when she hoped for a grander wedding and has been worn down into accepting a low key affair by her domineering OH. Also, do they have a problem with your fella?

As for the day itself, a church ceremony followed by a pub meal with friends followed by a drinks gathering sounds OK to me. I'm unclear as to what the drinks part involves as a lot of people on here seem to suggest it's just turn up at a pub at a prearranged time and I doubt that. She may have hired a function room, paid for an open bar and be planning some surprise vol-au-vents!

You need to have a friendly chat with her about it all. Do you want to keep this friendship or not? She may be having her arm twisted or just not realise the trouble she's causing.

VanillaSugar · 13/08/2018 09:41

These big showy weddings everyone has to have these days have a lot to answer for

Except ... it's quite the opposite.

LoveInTokyo · 13/08/2018 09:42

The wedding reception is how you thank your guests for coming to witness your wedding. Inviting people to your wedding then expecting them to go of and sort out their own meals is very rude.

This. If you can't afford a bid wedding, have a small wedding. Most people - even close friends - won't be offended if they don't make the guest list for a very small wedding. But inviting people to your wedding and then refusing to spend any money on feeding and watering them, when they may well be spending a lot of money just to get there, is very bad manners.

Yet another friendship destroyed by an unreasonable bride.

I would rather spend the money on an extra place for someone's plus one than spoil the friendship or make the friend not want to come. I get that some couples are on such a tight budget that they can't do that, or their venue is strictly limited on numbers. But the OP's friend isn't even spending money on her guests anyway!

I don't think your partner was actually invited though. Did it have his name on the save the date at all!? You asked informally and she replied informally.If she had planned the guest list/ wedding details already she wouldn't have needed save the dates.

Sorry but you don't send someone a save the date or invite them "informally" if you're not intending to follow it up with a proper invitation.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2018 09:42

@butlerswharf
Yes there are cheeky fuckers out there. This is one. You would have a point if:
a) the invite were not given then rescinded
b) were it an invitation to an exclusive venue instead of a public space

Can you not see the difference? It’s playground stuff.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2018 09:44

Oops. This is not one.

montenuit · 13/08/2018 09:44

oh fgs is she a friend or not?

just bloody ask her? It could be she thought you wouldn't be able to come without the kids if she asked you both.

You don't have to make a big deal of it, it's hardly like she is having to carefully manage numbers/meals/seating plans.

Just tell her the kids are sorted, your OH can make it too. See how she reacts/what she says. You'll quickly know if an issue or not.

Trinity66 · 13/08/2018 09:44

It is really rude especially when she had told you he was going before that

Nanny0gg · 13/08/2018 09:45

You should decline.

As a matter of interest, are they providing the drinks in the evening?

LoveInTokyo · 13/08/2018 09:46

It could be she thought you wouldn't be able to come without the kids if she asked you both.

This is bullshit though, isn't it?

You invite both the couple, and then if only one of them can come due to childcare, only one of them comes due to childcare issues.

A friend has just done this for my wedding. She is coming on her own and her husband will stay home with the baby. (Both husband and baby were invited.)